by P. K . Lynch
‘I don’t know how we kept a straight face,’ whispered Rik, while May and Jimmy were at the bar.
‘He’s a nightmare,’ Sissy agreed, ‘but she’s not as bad as I thought.’
‘Aye, just a shame she doesn’t take care of her dogs though,’ muttered Cam, knocking back the last of his pint. ‘Might ask them about that tonight.’
‘Don’t,’ Sissy said. ‘I don’t want any trouble.’
‘Plus,’ said Rik, ‘he’s a big fuckin’ bloke.’
‘It’s all fat,’ said Cam, and then sniggered wetly into his empty glass. ‘I could take him.’
Sissy and Rik exchanged a look. They’d seen this before from Cam, nights when he poured drink after drink down his neck as if he were trying to douse a fire. If they could get him home and shove a spliff in his hand he might be fine, but before they could move, May returned, carrying a tray of little glasses with a luminous green liquid in them, Jimmy carrying beers behind her. ‘Drinkies for everyone!’ she trilled as she sat down, bustling up against Cam, forcing Rik and Sissy to shift along. Jimmy perched awkwardly on the end while May distributed the shots by holding the glasses between a red manicured thumb and middle finger, her other fingers daintily splayed. ‘This is what you young ones like, isn’t it,’ she said. ‘See, Jimmy? What did I tell you? We’re living it up tonight. Cheers!’
Jimmy grew quieter as May got louder and drunker. Cam seemed to relax as more drink was brought to the table. As the night wore on, Sissy and Rik forgot they’d ever been worried. Whenever they offered money, May told them to put it away.
‘You’re only littlies! What brings you down here anyway? I know what he’s here for,’ she nodded at Jimmy. ‘He’s old and big and ugly like me. But you lot are gorgeous and lovely and young, ain’t they, Jimmy? Oh, I wish I was young like you again, I do.’
She leaned over and pinched Cam’s cheek. ‘Oh, what? You jealous?’ she said to Rik, with a cackle. ‘Here you go, you have one an’ all.’ Turning to Sissy, in a low voice she said, ‘I can tell I’m not his type, but boys do get jealous even so. It’s a mum thing. They’re all the same.’
Sissy smiled, feeling more than a little woozy. The pub had filled up and was noisy with chat and jukebox tunes from the eighties and nineties.
‘So what about those dogs then?’ Cam’s voice cut through the blur.
‘Oh, I love my dogs,’ May said straight away. ‘Well, only one’s mine. The little brown one. Cha-cha. The big one’s his. The husky. Bolt’s his name.’
‘Aye, cos whenever you call him, he bolts,’ said Jimmy, spinning a beer mat around on the table. ‘Daft mutt. Low intelligence. Probably the runt. I was ripped off. Still, what you going to do?’
‘Give him to someone else if you don’t like him,’ said Cam.
Jimmy pulled his head back, revealing the wonder of his three chins stretched ear to ear.
‘I never said I don’t like him.’
‘You just said he was a runt.’
‘Aye, but I never said I don’t like him,’ said Jimmy, who looked increasingly perplexed by the direction of the conversation.
‘You never take him for a walk or anything.’
‘Aye, I do.’
‘How come your back garden’s covered in shit then?’
‘Cam,’ Sissy said, warningly.
‘Cos you never walk him, that’s why,’ Cam continued. ‘Or the other one. What’s it called? Cha-cha? It’s out of order to have dogs and not even walk them. That’s like a basic human right, know what I mean?’
Rik spluttered into his glass. Jimmy and May eyed Cam, their jaws slack with confusion.
‘Know what else is a basic human right?’ he continued. ‘I’ll tell you. To be able to walk into your garden and not eat flies because of the amount of shite lying about everywhere. Or to be able to walk into your garden without putting a hanky over half your face because of the smell. Man, it’s fucking rank. Can you two not smell it?’
May turned to Jimmy. ‘I’ve never heard the like, have you?’ Then back to Cam. ‘No, I can’t smell it. You’re talking rubbish.’
‘No, he’s not,’ said Rik. ‘We saw you out there one day with air freshener.’
Sissy’s head rolled from Cam to Rik. Were they seriously doing this after the amount of free drink they’d just been given?
‘Sorry,’ said Rik in response to Sissy’s horror-struck expression. ‘I can’t pretend. It’s disgusting,’ he said, leaning over the table and speaking straight into their faces. ‘And do you know what else?’ He stood up and his wagging finger came out. ‘You two are too old for this. Seriously? Did you think for one second about the irony of trapping us in a corner so we can’t go anywhere and telling us to live our life and we’re only young once? Do you think we want to spend one of our precious Friday nights being badgered by a pair of old crones? No disrespect, but do you know what I mean? I’ve been working hard all week. I just want to relax and enjoy my night.’
Jimmy suddenly stood up and leaned over to grab Rik, but almost as quickly Cam stood and put his hand on the bigger man’s chest.
‘You want to take this outside, big man?’
‘Cam! Jesus, no!’ said Sissy, trying to pull him back to sitting.
Jimmy looked down at Cam and flicked his arm away, which hit some of the glasses on the table.
‘Bloody hell, Jimmy, you’ve spilled me drink all down me,’ wailed May, dabbing at her chest with some serviettes.
‘Aye, well,’ said Jimmy, sneering down at her. ‘That’s what you get for pouring money down these wee runts’ throats. I fucking told you.’
Everyone was stunned by sudden change.
‘Stupid cow,’ he continued. ‘See what you’ve done. Can’t even come out for a quiet drink, oh no, always got to turn it into a party. Am I not good enough for you on my own? Throwing yourself at other blokes. You fucking disgust me.’
And then he was gone, leaving May crying into her glass and the three teenagers aghast.
Hesitantly, Sissy put her arm around May and tried to console her, but it only seemed to make her cry harder. ‘There, there, it’s okay, it’s okay,’ Sissy crooned. ‘Nothing to cry about.’
Rik hurriedly finished his drink and slipped off to the bathroom, while Cam remained on his feet, eyes trained on the door in case Jimmy might fly back in at any moment. He sucked his teeth and wiped his chin. Adrenaline flooded his system. His hands were shaking. He felt like maybe he should go for a run to try to shake off the energy. He scanned the room for Rik. Typical of him to start something and then disappear. A tanned woman with red lips and poker-straight blonde hair gave him a small pouty smile as she walked past. His eyes followed her distractedly, her rolling backside moulded on top of long muscular legs. She reached her table and was swallowed up by a middle-aged gang of raucous girlfriends. She threw a glance over her shoulder and smiled at him again. He’d begun to notice an increase in the attentions he received from older women. At first he’d imagined they were just being unusually friendly but gradually he was coming to the conclusion there might be more to it than that. Sissy and May were deep in conversation and there was still no sign of Rik. He’d probably ditched them in favour of the local gay club, which they’d discovered one night when Cam had ducked into what they thought was a deserted industrial estate to piss.
His eye was drawn again to the blonde. She’d pulled out a small mirror and was touching up her lipstick, but it seemed maybe the mirror served a higher purpose because when he looked at her she turned round to face him immediately. She dipped her head to the side and her hair fell in a long platinum swoop. She smiled at him quizzically, are you up for this or not, and he struggled, he really did, and then he nodded towards the door, and thirty seconds later she followed him out.
The smell in May’s house wasn’t as bad as Sissy had feared. More of a stale musk with a faint tinge of urine than the used toilet she’d half-expected. She could cope with it. The dogs barked and jumped crazily around them, ignoring
May’s orders to stay down. They quietened when she chucked some biscuits in their bowls. The cats curled and draped along the sofa but shifted themselves obligingly so Sissy could take a seat among the thick carpet of animal hair lying over everything.
The house was a similar layout to next door, but the front room had been knocked through, turning the downstairs into one long space that had the potential for elegance.
‘This is great,’ Sissy said, eager to please her new-found friend. ‘We couldn’t do this next door. Cam sleeps in the living room.’ As she said it she realised that wasn’t strictly true, that more often than not he slept in with her.
‘Thought you was just renting?’ May called over the sound of cupboard doors opening and closing.
‘Yeah, but we couldn’t do it even if we weren’t. What’s so funny?’
May staggered through from the kitchen with a bottle in her hand.
‘Nothing, really. You’re so young, that’s all. To hear you talk about knocking down walls and all that. It’s sweet.’
Sissy looked at the whiskey May plonked down between them and felt sick. All she really wanted was some water and a cup of tea. May poured them each a finger’s width.
‘There you go, sweetheart. This is Jimmy’s but he won’t mind. Make you feel at home.’
‘Will he be all right about what happened earlier?’
May smiled, her eyes like wet glass. ‘Oh yeah. He’ll come round. Don’t worry about him. He’s probably crashed out upstairs already.’
‘Does he act like that a lot?’
‘Like what? Oh, that. No, he don’t mean it. He’s under a lot of stress, and, no offence, but your friends weren’t very nice to me either. But that’s just blokes for you. They can’t help it. Ain’t you got any brothers?’
‘No. Only child.’
May nodded, sagely.
‘Little princess, ain’t ya? I bet you’re the apple of your daddy’s eye, ain’t you? What? Have I said something wrong? Oh, I have, haven’t I. I’m sorry, sweetheart. Oh my goodness, come here. Tell me all about it.’
Sometime later, when the flood reduced to a trickle, Sissy sat wrapped in May’s arms and gratefully revelled in her attention, feeling it was a long time since she’d given herself over to someone else like that.
‘Poor mite. And that’s how you’ve ended up here, is it? And there’s me talking about my troubles all night long. You must think me dreadful.’
‘No, no, not at all. I’m sorry to go on like this.’
‘What you got to be sorry for? Oh, that’s us all over, innit? Women. Apologising for everything. Well, some women. I still can’t believe your mum took that letter meant for your dad. What was she thinking? Look, here, take a hanky.’
Sissy pulled one from the box May offered and blew her nose. ‘Apparently my gran took it and gave it to her. But I don’t even know if I believe her. She’s so pathetic, she could say anything. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, does it? Even if it’s true, she still let her move in with us, like she condoned it, or like she could take his place or something. Like I wasn’t enough. Anyway, the truth doesn’t even come into it. The fact of the matter is the letter’s still here, isn’t it, above the ground, not down there with him.’ Her voice broke again. ‘Oh, hello,’ she said in surprise to the husky who had come over to investigate.
‘That’s Bolt,’ said May. ‘Handsome boy.’
The dog nuzzled against Sissy, demanding to be stroked.
‘His eyes are different colours,’ said Sissy, blinking through her tears.
‘Yeah, it’s quite common with the breed. Jimmy thinks it’s a defect. Shame.’
The dog curled up and lay on Sissy’s feet, making her laugh. She ran her hands over his thick coat and ruffled the back of his neck. ‘Cam’s right, you know,’ she said, made brave by drink and honest conversation. ‘He should be getting out more. It’s not fair.’
‘I know,’ May sighed. ‘But tell me this, if I do it, right, then I’ll always be doing it, won’t I? And I already do enough for him.’ She indicated upstairs where Jimmy presumably lay, snoring in a stupor. ‘Why should I start doing even more?’
‘How about I take them then? For a walk, I mean. I’d like that.’
She’d never walked a dog before, but suddenly it seemed like her life’s purpose.
‘I mean it. I love dogs. I’m free during the day. It’ll do me good too. Oh, say yes. Please say yes.’
May chewed her lip. ‘I dunno. Dunno what Jimmy’ll make of it after tonight, to be honest.’
‘Yeah, but it wasn’t me. I didn’t say anything bad, did I? He can’t hold tonight against me. And anyway, dogs need to be walked, no matter what he thinks about it. He’s lucky someone hasn’t phoned the RSPCA by now.’
‘Yeah, all right,’ May replied, sharply. ‘We love our dogs. We don’t hurt them. Anyway, what about Cha-Cha? You can’t take one and leave the other. It ain’t fair.’
Sissy eyed the small sleeping dog on the couch beside May.
‘Of course,’ she said. ‘I’ll take them both.’
May agreed Sissy could walk the dogs on days Jimmy was working. She gave her a key, with the strict instruction not to enter if the truck was parked outside.
Having a reason at last to get out of bed boosted Sissy’s mood. Most days she gave them two walks, timing it so they were back in the house by 5 p.m., thereby minimising the risk of running into May, who, in the sober light of day, might change her mind about a relative stranger popping in and out of her house. The dogs looked healthier and barked less. The shit in the garden dried up and shrank to the size of pebbles. Sissy struck up conversations with other dog walkers and, slowly, began to realise how isolated she’d been. She had the sensation of emerging from behind heavy curtains. She felt lighter and more positive.
‘You do know it’s not an actual job though, right?’ said Rik one evening, after another soul-crushing day in sales.
‘Hey, leave her alone,’ said Cam. ‘It’s her business.’
Rik raised his eyebrows and gave a long low whistle. ‘Someone’s changed his tune.’
Sissy was relieved but confused by Cam’s turnaround. She’d stayed so late at May’s, she’d failed to realise he hadn’t gone straight home from the pub. When she’d tiptoed in around 3 a.m., she’d found him asleep in the living room. Guiltily, she’d climbed the stairs, oblivious to the tension disappearing from his body as he heard her steps retreat.
In the darkness, Cam had sighed and stretched as best he could on the sofa that was his ill-fitting bed. When at last he fell asleep, it was with a deep sense of shame that mingled confusingly with his burgeoning teenage pride.
They skirted around each other on the Sunday. Sex and intimacy was so much harder when not prefaced with a night’s worth of drug-induced dancing as foreplay. They cast thin jokes about Rik’s whereabouts and wished separately for his return. It was one of the longest Sundays either of them had ever known.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Dismissed Notifications
One cold afternoon a few weeks later, Sissy was at the top of the nearby sports field trying to dissuade Bolt from eating another dog’s shit when the distant figure of Cam appeared at the other end. It wasn’t yet dusk so she knew she had time to return the dogs before May came home, but still she automatically checked the time on her phone. Mid-afternoon and another missed call from her mother, who had been calling more often of late. Sissy dismissed the notification, as usual, and headed towards Cam, leaving Bolt to do whatever disgusting thing he had to do.
The smell of freshly baked bread carried over from the nearby factory. ‘I love that smell,’ said Cam, when they met in the middle. ‘Do you think they’d give me a job?’
‘Oh, Cam. Not another one.’
‘What could I do? I told you the French cunt’s a bastard. Hello, boy!’
Cam scratched Bolt behind the ears. The dog jumped up and Cam allowed him to knock him down. They rolled on the cold ground together.
‘He’s just been eating shit, you know.’
Cam laughed. ‘I know what that’s like, don’t I, boy? I know what that’s like.’
They moved to the edge of the field and continued their walk round. Cam threw a tennis ball for Bolt, while the little brown dog waddled resentfully by Sissy’s side, picking up pace only when offered biscuits.
‘So this is what you’ve been doing, is it?’ said Cam. ‘Just coming here every day?’
Sissy shrugged and looked off to Canary Wharf blinking in the distance. ‘Pretty much.’
‘Don’t you get bored?’
‘Is it any worse than going to work?’
‘I don’t know. Is it worse than having no money?’
Sissy sighed and shrugged again. She was bored of this conversation.
‘You not going to tell me to mind my own business like usual?’ Cam risked a cheeky grin, knowing he was in dangerous territory. Sissy knelt down and gave Cha-Cha another biscuit, feeling the weight of reality enclose her. She’d thought somehow everything would sort itself out, but as the weeks turned to months it was clear she was going nowhere. Rik had a whole life she knew nothing about. Even Cam had plugged himself into some social scene she wasn’t part of. She wondered where he disappeared to but couldn’t bring herself to ask. Instead she waited for the weekend when a pill would reliably dispel the week’s worry and bring her to a place of elevation, where the truth revealed itself to her and she re-understood the point of her existence. The days between weekends were flotsam, a tedium to be endured so long as ecstatic transcendence was her weekly reward.
She steered the conversation towards their weekend plans and found Cam unwilling to commit to anything. ‘Just don’t fancy it, that’s all,’ he said, as he stepped away to play some more with Bolt.
‘Do you want to do something else then?’ she asked, doubtfully.
‘Nah,’ he replied, tossing the ball. The dog lunged after it, his long blonde hair frisking behind him. ‘Gonna be a bit busy. Been invited to a party.’
