by Melody Dawn
“Hello, mama…is that you?”
I don’t hear anything but silence until my father’s voice suddenly fills the line. His deep voice echoes in my ear as he says, “Chloe, I am going to ask you to refrain from calling here again. You are upsetting your mother. If or when we decide we want to speak with you, WE will call you. Until that time, do not call here or I will be forced to block your phone number.”
It takes everything within me not to cry, but I don’t. I simply hang up the phone in response, knowing that I have just lost my parents for good. There will never be another holiday with them, nothing, it’s like I never existed. I resolve then that I will make it by myself. Obviously, I’m meant to be alone. I will not let another person in as long as I live.
I lie in my rented bed for two days without moving unless it is to visit the restroom and brush my teeth. Because I haven’t eaten in two days, my stomach is letting me know it needs food right away. I know I need to move, but I just can’t get up and get dressed. Everything seems so pointless to me now. All the stupid things I used to do like getting mani/pedi’s, shopping for shoes and purses, going to the beach…just pointless. Alex Sterling will never visit the beach and I doubt his parents will be doing it too soon themselves. I know that I am wallowing in self-pity, but right now, it’s all I can manage.
My cell phone rings and I almost don’t answer it until I see it is my attorney calling. Before I can get my greeting out of my mouth, he tells me that he has heard from the prosecuting attorney’s office and they want to meet with us tomorrow. He feels like this is a good thing…most likely a plea bargain. I really could care less, but I know I need to go to the meeting. I agree to meet him at Mr. Sander’s office at 10:00 a.m.
I hang up and pull myself out of bed and lay my clothes out for the meeting. I know I need to look calm and collected so Mr. Sanders aka the piranha, won’t smell blood in the water. One thing my mother taught me was to always look the part, don’t ever let anyone see your weakness, or they will use it against you. Good advice from the bitch that gave birth to me…at least I have that from her. Then, I get back in bed and try to drift off to sleep. I sleep on and off throughout the afternoon and into the evening. As for the nighttime, I toss and turn while watching mind-numbing infomercials.
The next morning I slip on a little black dress that is made for the office, going to brunch, or you know, going to beg for your life. Ha, I’m on fire today. Disgusted with myself for even having a thought close to being funny, I grab my purse and keys and walk to my car. It feels like I’m on autopilot because before I know it, I am in the parking lot of the Judicial Complex of San Diego County. Walking into the building, I already feel sick. My heart says I need to be punished, but at the same time, prison scares me to death.
Seeing that I’m a little early, I sit in the lobby of Mr. Sander’s office. I don’t have to wait long as he opens the door at the same time my attorney walks to where I’m sitting. Mr. Sanders motions us into a conference room that holds a court reporter and I am guessing his assistant.
Smiling at us in a smarmy way, he says, “Mr. James and Miss Schaeffer, right this way, please.”
He herds us over to a long conference table and then sits down with a large file in front of him; I’m guessing that its mine.
The prosecutor begins by saying, “So, Miss Schaeffer, after reviewing your case and speaking again with Daniel Latham, I feel it is more than appropriate to offer you a plea bargain.” My attorney starts to speak and Mr. Sanders says, “Please wait until I’m done before you ask questions.” What a prick! “Again, after further review and investigation, I feel it is more than generous to offer you a deal of Vehicular Manslaughter with Ordinary Intent. This plea deal will involve one year of confinement in a minimum security facility…”
“Bullshit,” my lawyer yells! “You know this case does not call for imprisonment. She is just as much a victim as the Sterlings are. How is she supposed to be held accountable for an action she was not cognizant of making? We aren’t agreeing to any deal that includes confinement. You know as well as I do that if she is pled down to a misdemeanor, which her circumstances fit completely, the penalties of the Penal Code 191.5(b) include Misdemeanor probation, up to one year in prison, and/or a fine of up to $1,000. Don’t make me take this to court; your star witness is a fuck-up that drugs girls, I will annihilate both you and him in court!”
With his tirade coming to an end and his face an alarming shade of red, I lean over and ask Mr. James if he is ok.
Taking in a deep breath, he says, “Of course, I am, Miss Schaeffer, I deal with pricks like Mason all the time.”
So, Mr. Sanders’ first name is Mason; they must be on a friendlier basis than what I originally thought. Mason or Mr. Sanders just smiles and says, “OK, Jordan”. Jordan; Mr. James’ name is Jordan? Huh, I never would have thought that. Focus Chloe, I tell myself, this is somewhat important, you know!
Mr. Sanders leans in and says, “Here is the deal and I’m not budging on it. I will plead her down to misdemeanor vehicular manslaughter with ordinary intent. She will serve no jail time, but she will be under court probation for one year, which means she will have to check in periodically for status reports. She will also be assigned some type of community service and I don’t mean that charity crap most rich people try to do when they get in trouble. And finally, she cannot leave the state for the year she is on probation. Take it or leave it, I am being more than generous considering your client took a life.”
At this sentence, my lawyer rolls his eyes, but I’m more thankful than I can say. I stand up and go to Mr. Sanders’ desk. I put out my hand for him to shake and say, “I’m very thankful, sir, for what you are doing for me. I have no problems with the conditions. I would like to work at the San Diego Children’s Hospital if that is acceptable.”
At his nod, I keep going. “In addition to the fine, I would also like to create a fund for Ethan and Cheyenne Sterling’s medical treatment. I have a trust fund that my parents can’t touch and it’s an amount that I will never put a dent in. I know I can’t bring their son back, but if I can at least help alleviate their physical pain and make their lives easier, I want to do so. You may think I am doing this to soothe my conscience and most likely I am, but I also really want to help them. I will have my trust attorneys draw up the paperwork and send it over to you. I’m assuming the Sterlings would rather not see my face so I think it will be more appropriate if you give it to them.”
For the first time, he looks at me with grudging respect and says, “That is a kind gesture, Miss Schaeffer. Is there an amount I should tell them when I speak to them this afternoon?”
”Yes,” I say, “One million dollars to be paid either in a lump sum or annually, however they choose.”
I hear the intake of breath from both men, but I don’t look to see their reactions. I just want to get out of here.
Mr. Sanders is the first to speak and he says, “Very well, Miss Schaeffer, after you sign these papers agreeing to your plea bargain, you are free to go. Your attorney will contact you with your first court appearance for your probation court status report. Oh, and before you go, when will you be paying the $1,000 fine owed as per our agreement?”
I hear Mr. James snort, but I just tell him, “I can pay it now.” I make the check according to his instructions, sign my papers, and walk out a free woman. But, it’s apparent to me that I’m only free in body, my mind is in a prison that I don’t think it will ever escape.
Realizing that I’m shaking, I try to roll into a ball to get warm. It has been so long since I let myself think of those days. I know in my soul that these feelings I have will never go away. The guilt, shame, self-loathing, they are here to stay…and they should. I fucking killed a baby!
The ache in my chest intensifies and I know that my heart is not only breaking for the loss of Alex Sterling, but for the loss of myself and Jayson. I need to end this with him before it goes any further. As good as a man that he is, he isn
’t going to stay with someone like me. And I know that the longer we are together, the harder it will be for me to leave him. I decide that I will end it tomorrow. With that thought in mind, I try to force myself to sleep…5:48 is going to come early in the morning.
And I was right, my eyes popped open at exactly 5:48 a.m. I laid there psyching myself up for ending it with Jayson. The thought of it made my heart hurt so badly. Then I had the idea that maybe I could wait a few weeks and enjoy my time with him. I would just have to lock down my feelings for him. Yes, I know that I’ve ruined that by saying I love you, but I just had to get a handle on it. I would always love him, but I couldn’t let it go anywhere….for his sake.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chloe- 4 weeks later
Things have been going well on the surface for Jayson and I the past few weeks. We have spent a lot of time together in between his work and our classes. I know I said I was going to end it, but I couldn’t do it. Selfishly, I just wanted to have some happiness for a little while longer. And yes I know how self-centered that sounds. I rationalized to myself that Jayson could always find someone new, but I couldn’t. So, I buried my head in the sand and hoped for the best.
Stupidly, I thought I could contain my feelings for him and that I would just look back on us as my first serious relationship. Unfortunately, I didn’t take into consideration that both of our feelings would deepen even more than they already had. I knew it was time for it to end…and I had to end it in a way that would make him never look my way again.
So, lying in my bed watching the sun rise over the city of Houston, I realize that this is the day I lose the man of my dreams. Never in a million years did I believe that I would find my forever at the young age of 21. Or that once I found him, I wouldn’t be able to keep him. My heart literally hurts at the prospect of telling him it’s over.
At this thought, I roll over onto my stomach and the tears start falling hard and fast. I try to muffle the noise so I won’t wake Madison, but soon I hear the door open, and my mattress dips down as she crawls up next to me.
Stroking my back, she asks, “What’s going on, honey? Why all the tears?”
I just shake my head because saying the words means it’s real.
Wrapping her arms around me, she asks, “Is this about Jayson? Are you upset with him?”
I shake my head no, but still don’t answer. Because I’m not giving anything up, the questions keep coming. “Chloe, you’re scaring me. What could be so terrible? Did he cheat on you, hurt you in some way…?” When I again shake my head no, she stares hard into my face and says, “Oh, I see; you’re running. What are you going to do? Are you going to break up with him?”
“Yes”, I whisper.
Madison looks like she wants to slap me. With a harsh tone, she asks, “Why are you doing this to yourself…and to him? Isn’t all the self-loathing good enough? Now, you are going to hurt yourself, not to mention a man that treats you like a queen and looks at you like you hung the moon! Do you have any idea what the rest of us would give to be looked at like he looks at you?”
I begin crying again because my heart is literally breaking. “You don’t understand!”
She snaps at me and says, “You’re right, I don’t, because you won’t let anyone in. You’re about to lose a good man and if this behavior doesn’t stop, you’re going to lose me. I love you, Chloe…more than my family, but I can’t continue to watch you self-destruct. Especially when you have Jayson, me, and even Connor trying to help you.”
I shut my eyes trying to block out what she is saying.
Sighing, I hear her ask tiredly, “So, when is it happening? Because I’m not going to be here when it goes down.”
I croak out, “I’m going to call him as soon as I know he’s up. I know you think I’m heartless, but I can’t do this to him anymore. He’s going to be a freaking doctor, for Christ sake, Maddie. And I know where this relationship is heading. So, what if he introduces me to a colleague and they happen to be from California and know my case. He could lose a promotion over me. Not to mention, just be wholly embarrassed of who he’s in a relationship with.”
Madison looks at me and says heatedly, “You are taking away his choices! You don’t know how he would react because you won’t tell him! So, you would rather hurt him than woman up and let him know that you were a VICTIM!?”
It all becomes too much for me and I scream at the top of my lungs, “I’m not a victim, I’m a murderer…can’t you see that?”
With tears in her eyes, Madison shakes her head. “No, I don’t see that. What I do see is someone so goddamn scared to live their life that they would rather hide away than to accept the love of a man that most girls would give their right arm to have.”
“Get out, Maddie!” I say shakily.
As she reaches my bedroom door, she says, “Don’t worry, I’m going, Chloe. Text me when you’re done. I think I may go home for a few days.”
With everything swirling around in my brain, I decide I am going to go to Jayson’s house and talk to him there. I don’t want him driving while he is upset. Not really caring about what I look like, I take a shower and once I’m out, I pull my curly hair up into a bun on top of my head. I grab a t-shirt that says, “Unicorns Are Forever” and pull on blue jean cut off shorts. I shove my feet into my flip flops and run back to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Once, I’m done, I swipe on some lip gloss, spray myself with perfume…ok, maybe I care a little.
Once, I’m in my car, and getting on the freeway, I call Jayson. I knew I had to wait to call him where there was no turning back.
He answers with a sleepy, sexy voice and with his next words I start to melt. “Hey princess, are you ok?”
Closing my eyes only for a brief second since I’m driving, I say, “Yes, I’m fine. I need to come by and see you.”
His voice sharpens, “You need to see me…what’s all this about?”
“Nothing” I snap. “Can’t a girl come by and see her boyfriend or do I have to schedule a time?” I know I’m being a world class bitch and he’s silent for a moment.
Quietly he says, “Sure, come on by. I’ll have breakfast waiting.”
I say, “Ok, see you in a few minutes” and hang up before he can say I love you.
I drive up to Jayson and Connor’s house and notice there is a strange vehicle in the driveway. Probably one of Connor’s nasty hookups. I ring the doorbell and the door opens revealing a beautiful middle-aged woman. Oh, you have got to be kidding me! Is there no end to the women this guy will screw? I know that I’m transferring my emotion to Connor so I don’t have to deal with what is really eating away at me.
She leans in to hug me and I immediately step back. The look on her face makes me feel sort of shitty, but what does she expect, this isn’t a meeting of the Reece twins’ hook-ups.
She opens the door wider and says, “Come on in, dear…breakfast is on the table.”
Ok, this is weird, certifiably weird. I get to the table and there is Jayson, Connor, and I blink heavily because there is another one of them…granted he is older.
Jayson comes over to me and says, “Hey baby, I see you met my mom.” HIS MOM? Oh hell, the woman at the door is his mom.
“I, uh, I…oh my God, I’m so embarrassed!”
They are all looking at me like I’m crazy. I know there is no way to explain my behavior so I just decide to tell the truth. “I’m so sorry, I thought you were one of Connor’s…friends”, I whisper loudly. Jayson and his dad look at each other and start laughing so hard, it looks like they are going to burst an aneurysm. Jayson’s mom is smiling, but Connor looks like he wants to really hurt me; I’m not used to seeing him without a smile on his face.
“My mom, little bit? You think I’m fucking my mom?”
Hearing his shocked response, I can’t help but giggle especially when Mrs. Reece says, “Language, Connor…we don’t say ‘fuck’ at the breakfast table!”
He rolls his eyes and says, “W
hatever, old woman, you have the mouth of a sailor!”
She smiles widely and says, “Not at the table, I don’t. Besides we have a guest.”
Connor grumbles, “She’s not a guest, she’s a royal pain in the ass!” At this comment, all of them burst into laughter. For a moment, I forget why I’m there and I bask in the feeling of family, one I’m not used to having.
Jayson pulls me down onto his lap and says, “These are my parents. My dad, Dr. Phillip Reece, and my mom aka Connor’s girlfriend, Ava Reece.
I poke him and say, “Shut up! You could have said your parents were here when we were on the phone.”
I realize how normal we sound and I quickly look down at my hands. I have got to get a handle on this. Jayson looks at me strangely and I know he can tell there’s something wrong.
After everyone eats, I help Mrs. Reece, or Ava, as she insists I call her, clear away the dishes. I stand there at the sink rinsing the plates and glasses when I feel the tears start to sting my eyes.
I try to hold it in, but when she puts her arm around me and asks, “Honey, are you ok? What can I do to help?”
Her kindness makes me lose it…I don’t deserve it, because I’m getting ready to hurt her son in the worst way. I shake my head no and suddenly I feel Jayson’s arms around me. We stand there for a moment and I selfishly try to memorize exactly what he feels and smells like.
Looking around, I realize that we are alone. He takes my hand and says, “Let’s go upstairs.”
I start to say no, but he says not to worry, everyone has left for the day. I know I shouldn’t go to his room; it’s too much temptation, and I’m too weak. Once we get up there, he strips down to his boxer briefs and gives me one of his old t-shirts. We get into bed and before I know it, we’re in our position again. It’s like our bodies know and automatically gravitate to each other.
We lie there for a while until he asks, “So, what’s happening in that mind of yours?”
