“I want you more, Blake. I’m very happy with our little family. I said I would have liked to have a child with you, but it’s not the right thing to do.”
Rolling to his back, he stared at the ceiling again. “I feel like we’ve suffered a loss.”
“We have.”
They remained quiet for a long time, and he debated whether or not to actually speak the words sitting on the tip of his tongue. What the hell. “Do you want to try again?”
“No.”
He turned to her, a bit surprised. “Are you sure? Because if you’re in, I am. I want to make you happy.”
“Blake, if there was a physical reason I couldn’t have children, would you love me any less?”
He didn’t even have to think twice about that. “Of course not.”
“That’s how I feel about you. My pregnancy was an accident, and I’ll see Beverly to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
He sighed in relief, but the pain in his chest still twisted. If they could be certain the good genes would outweigh the bad, he’d have a hundred babies with her. Yes, he’d been lying to himself for a long time, and another wave of sadness and loss came over him—loss for something he had told himself he didn’t want, but now wished he could.
Exhaustion rolled through him—he wasn’t used to such a rollercoaster of emotions. Usually, he could keep things pretty level.
Not today.
As he rubbed his face with the palms of his hands, he realized the date. Christmas Eve. He sure as shit didn’t feel like celebrating anything, and as he glanced over at Sophia’s pale and drawn face, he could tell she didn’t, either.
However, he knew they would both get up, get dressed, and put smiles on their faces because of Megan. She came first for both him and Sophia, and they wouldn’t allow their loss and sadness affect this special day.
“We should get up,” Sophia said.
Although he wanted nothing more than to lie here all day with her and comfort each other, she gave words to his previous thoughts.
“Yeah, we should.”
Throwing back the covers, he stood, determined to put one foot in front of the other and to make it the best Christmas Eve he possibly could.
Chapter 18
As he sat with Sophia on the couch listening to Abby read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, he wished the ache in his chest would subside. He supposed it would over time, and each day would be a little better than the previous one.
He’d lied to himself for so long saying he didn’t like kids. Of course, he’d always loved Megan like his own, but he immediately looked for reasons to dislike others. As he gazed over at Noah asleep with Phoenix on his chest, and Cohen standing, rocking his and Annis’ child, envy twisted within him. Both fathers literally held a part of themselves in their hands, something they’d created out of love. How he wanted that with Sophia. He couldn’t even imagine the pride of holding his own flesh and blood.
Cohen had once told him that their baby was the one thing he’d done really well in his lifetime. Although it hurt, Blake knew he’d never be able to say that. Instead, he’d have to focus being the best mate and father to the family he currently had, one he loved more than his own life.
Pulling Sophia closer, he kissed her forehead. They had decided to keep the pregnancy and loss to themselves. Even Alaina didn’t know, and she’d spent two full days with Sophia. The only one who had been privy to the information was Beverly, and he gazed over at her. She watched them both carefully and gave him a smile that conveyed her condolences and understanding.
He sipped his Sprite, wishing Sophia and he could disappear. It had become difficult to keep up the charade that everything was fine, that he didn’t have a problem in the world. The laughing, joking around, and pretending he felt happy had been exhausting.
As he watched Killian and Megan, their eyes glowing, smiles on their faces as they hung on to Abby’s every word, tears stung his eyes again, and he squeezed Sophia’s shoulder. Even with the loss, he had to remember to be grateful for his blessings.
Abby finished the story, and dinner came and went. It never failed to amaze him the sheer amount of food they consumed as he watched a turkey, a ham, a roast beef, and all the fixings disappear. Finally, it was time to get Megan to bed.
He held Sophia’s hand as the three of them took the elevator down to their floor. Megan still seemed riled up as she chatted about Santa and the cookies they’d left out for him.
Sophia helped her get undressed, and then the three of them laid down in Megan’s bed together, with Megan sandwiched in between him and Sophia.
They talked in soft whispers for a bit, then Megan said, “I’m the luckiest kid in the world.”
He grinned, thinking she would think that because she lived in such a nice house and Santa would be arriving soon.
Sophia glanced at him, then asked, “Why is that, honey?”
“Because I have you two. I have the most perfect family ever.”
As he reached for Sophia’s hand, her warm, glowing eyes shimmered, but she smiled. He looked at his girls, and love swelled so strongly in his heart, it seemed like the damn thing may burst.
Yes, they’d suffered a loss, but in the end, it was for the best. Each day would get easier, and he’d be able to come to terms with it, and his own self-doubt. He had his two girls who loved him, and if they asked, he’d figure out a way to bring down the moon for them.
Megan had been right. The three of them made the most perfect family, ever.
Noah and Abby
As new parents of a baby who doesn’t sleep more than a couple hours at a time, Noah and Abby are having difficulties finding quality time to spend together. Both feel more like roommates than a mated couple, yet, they don’t know how to close the gap that has developed between them.
When Abby surprises Noah with a special Christmas gift, they finally get the time together alone that both desperately crave, but will it be enough to keep them both happy?
Chapter 19
Christmas Eve
Noah stood in the shower, his hands planted on the tile in front of him as the hot water hit his shoulders. The tension he carried seemed to fade a bit as his muscles relaxed, but the warmth only made him feel more tired. He shut his eyes and reveled in the peace and quiet the stall offered. The water hitting the walls was rhythmic, lulling him into an almost dream-like state. It all felt so good and serene to have a few moments to himself to just allow his mind to—
He startled when he heard the door open and Abby walked in.
Hell. Had he just fallen asleep standing up in the shower?
“Hi, Noah.”
“Hey.”
He wiped the steam from the glass door and gazed at Abby to see what she was doing. Hoping she’d be naked and ready to join him under the spray, he frowned when he saw that wouldn’t be the case. She had come in to get more baby wipes, her face drawn and pale. It had been another long night with Phoenix. The kid didn’t sleep for more than two hours at a time, and both he and Abby seemed to be at their wits end, and only made it through the each day on sheer will, not energy.
The bathroom door clicked shut, and he sighed. He hadn’t been too keen on having children, but Abby had pressed him. Eventually, he’d given in, wanting to make her happy. The pregnancy had been difficult for them, as Abby seemed to cry at everything. Tears flowed when she became angry, when she watched a commercial on television that somehow struck a chord within her, and he’d even seen her cry when she laughed. She’d been an emotional rollercoaster, and when they were together, he never knew what could set her off. This only made him wish he’d never agreed to have children to begin with because each tear he saw fall killed him a little bit, like death by paper cuts.
However, when he met his son for the first time, all that changed. He’d palmed the little head, and marveled at the tiny hands and feet. Unbelievably, hours would pass, and all he’d do was stare at their baby, awed that he’d had a hand in creating such utter perfectio
n.
But, the kid didn’t sleep.
For eight weeks, they’d been taking shifts. One would sleep while the other stayed with Phoenix. To make matters worse, the kid liked movement, and he liked being in the baby carrier that strapped to the front of the chest. So, if Abby had been up every few hours with him, that meant that Noah took over baby duty at some point in the morning so she could sleep.
It was a good thing the kid couldn’t read, because he usually paced the silo in the early morning hours reading police reports about gruesome murders while either holding the baby or having him strapped to his chest.
Yes, he loved his son more than he could ever imagine, but the truth of the matter was the little guy had come between Abby and him. They rarely spent any quality time together, and when they did, it seemed as if they just waited for Phoenix to need them and start crying.
He shut off the water and grabbed the towel and ran it over his body.
And, sex? Forget it. Abby had been cleared two weeks ago, but they hadn’t made it happen. He worried that he’d hurt her, and she said she was just too damn tired. To him, with the birth of Phoenix, they seemed more like roommates than they did a mated couple. He kept hoping it would get better, but the time dragging on only seemed to separate them more.
In a nutshell, he missed his mate.
Although he hated feeling this way, it also seemed as if he’d taken a back seat to Phoenix in Abby’s eyes. It had become all about the baby, and never about him. His thoughts seemed petty and childish, but he couldn’t help them. For years, it had just been the two of them, and they had concentrated on each other. Now, they were like two ships passing in the night, giving each other a quick wave, and maybe a smile. He sighed. Things needed to change.
She opened the door again, carrying Phoenix in one arm. She’d dressed him in a little Santa outfit, and he had to admit, the kid looked cuter than a litter of puppies. Abby wore a green sweater that only seemed to make her look more tired. She bent down and pulled some burp rags out from under the sink, never meeting his eyes.
There had been a time where her gaze would have slowly raked over his naked body with appreciation, and she’d give him a sexy grin that would light him on fire. Apparently, even burp rags had become more important than him.
“We’re going to go up and get ready to read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.”
Damn. He’d forgotten about that. Catching a few hours sleep had been forefront in his mind, but now he had to go upstairs and put on his happy face.
He dropped the towel to the ground, hoping she’d glance his way. “Okay. I’ll be up in a minute.”
Phoenix burped and white goop oozed from his mouth and over Abby’s shoulder.
As he stared at the pale liquid slowly inching its way down Abby’s green sweater, she sighed and stared at the floor.
“I was hoping to get the burp rag before he did that. Now, I have to change.”
She left the bathroom and shut the door.
As he combed his hair and got dressed, he prayed that at some point, he and Abby would come back together because he certainly wasn’t happy with their current relationship, and he doubted she was, either.
They used to be good together, but now, he barely recognized their relationship. It seemed to be a very hollow and empty version of what it had once been, and it saddened him.
He took the elevator up to the main floor. Christmas music played softly through the speakers, and all the lights had been turned on. The silo really did look festive with the greens, reds, and golds. Someone handed him an egg nog, and he chatted with Kade for a bit, while Axel stood close by. The male usually didn’t say much, but he seemed to watch everyone and everything. His move improved a bit, but the egg nog only seemed to exacerbate his exhaustion.
Abby told everyone to come into the Great Room. He sat down on the couch and she handed Phoenix to him. Stretching out his legs in front of him, he inched down the couch until he could rest his head on the back cushion. Then, he laid the sleepy little guy on his chest.
Abby had turned off all the lights, the Christmas tree being the only illumination in the room. It gave the area a nice, peaceful glow.
As he listened to Abby’s sweet voice, he took another sip of egg nog, and yawned. He tried to stay awake, but it proved to be a futile effort.
A moment later, he drifted off to asleep.
Chapter 20
Christmas Day
Fuck.
Phoenix’s cries woke him. It used to be that when he heard them, he’d jolt awake and jump out of bed as if someone had jammed a lit rocket up his ass. Now, he rolled out from under the covers and stumbled over to the bassinet at the end of the bed on unsteady legs. Glancing over at the clock, he noted that it had been two hours and fifteen minutes since the kid last woke. Abby had fed him then, and as Noah picked him up, the pungent odor of baby poo hit his nose. His stomach rolled and he gagged, but the scent woke him more than any amount of coffee could.
He cradled Phoenix and took him over to the changing table, wondering how something so small and innocent could produce something so vile and nasty. “You’ve got a mess in there, don’t you?”
As he changed the diaper and tried to calm his dry heaves, he fought the urge to vomit all over his son. Through it all, he heard Abby rousing.
“Good morning,” she said, her voice laced with sleep.
There didn’t seem to be anything good about this mess in front of him at any time of day.
“Hey.”
“Merry Christmas.”
“Same to you.”
He thought about how the day would go. They’d all open presents, then the kids would probably go crazy for a while, and that might be fun to watch. He didn’t know what Hudson had planned as far as meals, but since he had the stench of baby shit lodged in his throat, he couldn’t even imagine eating.
Abby placed her hand on his shoulder, and he turned to her, leaned down, and gave her a chaste kiss. She wore a blue nightshirt that sat at the top of her thighs, her hair a tangled mess around her sleepy face. He glanced down at her legs, wishing he could get in between them.
She crinkled her nose. “He really stinks.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I have a present for you.”
He raised his eyebrows at the tone of her voice, which indicated he’d really like this gift, and a brief list of all the things he’d like ran through his mind … and all of them involved her being naked. Abby on her back, Abby on her knees, Abby on top of him … hell, he’d take Abby any way he could get her.
“What is it?”
“You and I are going to a resort for the night.”
He jammed the dirty diaper into the special wastebasket that supposedly trapped the odors, but failed. Maybe his son had particularly fierce poop. “We are?”
“Yes.”
It sounded nice. A change of scenery always did a person some good, especially when work and home interwove so closely. However, he also knew that even a small trip involved packing copious amounts of baby gear. He knew how they’d be spending some of their afternoon. “Well, we better get the baby stuff packed up after we open presents.”
“He’s not coming with us.”
Noah quickly buttoned the onesie, then picked up the baby. With his nimble fingers, he’d become an expert at the tiny snaps and buttons. He just wished he could use his talents on Abby's body.
He furrowed his brow; she had to be joking. She wouldn’t think of leaving Phoenix overnight. But as he studied her face, he realized she was serious. “Really?”
She laid her hand on his forearm, her gaze earnest. “Yes. Just you and me. Hudson and Beverly said that they’d watch him for us.”
He smiled, liking the sound of this gift more and more. Twenty-four hours away, alone with his mate? Could it get any better?
Probably not.
“When do we leave?”
“Today.”
Leaning down, he kissed her again, su
ddenly feeling uplifted and finding a spark of energy. “That sounds fantastic, honey. We could use some alone time.”
She nodded and wrapped her arms around his waist. He pulled her in tight. In one arm, he had his son; in the other, he had his mate. Later, he’d have his mate all to himself, and his mind whirled with all the dirty things he wanted to do to her.
The awful diaper forgotten, his day had definitely taken a turn for the better.
Merry Christmas, indeed.
Chapter 21
About ten miles away from the silo, relief swept over Noah, and the tension he felt throughout his body truly did ebb, probably for the first time since Abby had announced she was pregnant.
He loved his son, and would kill for him without thinking twice, but damn, he needed his time with Abby. After these precious twenty-four hours, they had to have a talk about how they could still be a couple and find time to be alone, but still be good parents to Phoenix.
As he glanced over at her, his cock pulsed in his pants. She sat with her head back and the window down. The late winter sun hit her face, her eyes closed, a small smile playing upon her lips as the wind whipped a few tresses of her hair. Damn. He hoped Phoenix had that dash of freckles across his nose as a toddler, just like Abby’s. It would be as cute as a roomful of white baby bunnies. He also wished Abby’s sensible judgment and bravery upon their son, and he hoped the little guy could love his moha even half as much as he did.
How she’d ever fallen for Noah, he didn’t know. He just hoped he never fucked things up too badly so that she would want to leave his pathetic ass.
A few nights ago as he sat up with Phoenix, he'd picked up a men's magazine from the coffee table in the Great Room, and wondered who had brought it in. Never one to really read magazines, he thumbed through it and came across an article that said women got turned on when their male talked dirty to them. After a thorough read, he'd scoffed at the article, but as they got closer to the resort, he'd thought he'd give it a try.
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