by Jordan Shay
Caleb made a sharp left down an oil well road and led the horses down the hill, away from the roadway. We stopped nearly into the brush, and about 100 yards from the oil well.
I had no idea what was happening, and I couldn't find my voice to ask. “Anna, I don’t know what’s gonna happen this week. I just want you to know that I’m here for you.” He placed his left hand on Anna’s knee, and put his right arm around her back. She let him, it felt comforting. Caleb continued, “If you want to stay, I’m here for you. If you want to leave, I’ll help you get to wherever you are going.”
Anna replied, “Thanks, Caleb. You’re a gift. I don’t know why God gave you to me, but I’m thankful to have you in my life.”
Caleb said, “No Anna. You’re my gift. You are the diamond in the haystack.” She smiled at him, their eyes connected, and Caleb said, “I know you and Derek are a thing. I get it. I just wanted to thank you for letting me steal a kiss earlier. This time Anna, I’m not going to steal one. Instead…” He looked deep into her eyes, pulled her near him, her heart pounding like a bass drum, and he said, “Can I kiss you, Anna?” She was surprised, but not shocked.
“Yes.” I’m not sure why I said yes, but I did.
Caleb leaned in, and pressed his lips firmly to mine. Their lips met up perfectly. He moved his tongue around both of my lips slowly. First the top, then the bottom lip. Suddenly, but gently, he pried open my lips. It was a kiss that was very different from Derek’s, but left me with tingling sensation. That was one hell of a kiss. A passionate kiss. A sexy kiss. They kissed for several more minutes, both of them getting hungrier and hungrier for each other. The excitement grew for myself, and I was certain for Caleb too. I was stunned that I wanted him so bad. Derek’s face flashed in my mind, but only briefly. In this moment, I wanted Caleb and only Caleb.
“I know it’s not proper for Amish to talk about it. But, I feel like we have broken a lot of rules lately, so I’m gonna break one more.” Caleb said with a smirk. Then he continued, “Anna, you excite me. I feel these feelings that I’ve never felt before. Private feelings...do you know what I mean, Anna?”
I knew exactly what he meant. Private feelings were sexual feelings.
“Caleb, I’m feeling the same feelings. I’ve got to be honest with you, I felt a little confused about this, coming down here. But then you kissed me. That kiss, Caleb, was incredible. Those feelings you’re talking about, I feel them too.”
I took Caleb’s left hand that had been resting on my knee, and pushed it under my dress, up toward my pussy. His eyes bulged; he was surprised, maybe a bit shocked. But he let me do it. He didn’t pull his hand back. He let me guide him. Guide his large hand with masculine fingers, right up to my dripping wet pussy.
As I helped Caleb to navigate his fingers around my pussy, I asked, “Are these the type of feelings you're talking about?”
He took a big gulp. He nearly couldn’t speak but managed to squeeze out, “Yes.”
I leaned over and began kissing Caleb’s neck, directing him on what to do next. “Stick a finger or two in.” Caleb quickly did as I said, and took turns rubbing my clit, the lips, and putting a couple fingers in and out of my now wet and anxious pussy.
He said, “I’ve never done this, Anna. I’ve heard about it. Dreamt about it. But to actually feel it. Shit, you feel amazing.”
I replied, “Can I feel you, Caleb?”
It was like someone just told Caleb he had won the lottery. His eyes lit up with excitement, and shock. He replied, “Okay.”
Still playing with my pussy, Caleb leaned back a bit for me to get to his dick out. Working like a true professional, I easily got into Caleb’s pants, and started rubbing his cock with my right hand. Slowly, up and down. It was swollen with excitement. The top was wet; pure virgin excitement. To my surprise, Caleb’s dick was big. Bigger than Derek’s. It excited me even more.
“Your touch Anna, it feels awesome.”
I replied, “Yours does too.” Jokingly I said, “Are you sure you haven’t done this before?”
He laughed, and then moaned. “Damn! Sinful, but it feels amazing.”
We continued pleasuring each other. Caleb whispered in my ear, “I don’t want to stop, Anna. I may go to hell, but it seems worth it. Do you want…”
And before he could finish his sentence, I stood up, back hunched over in the buggy, and straddled Caleb. “Yes,” I said gently, but a low, husky, sexual tone.
Caleb sat on the buggy seat, dick fully exposed. I had each knee on either side of him, both of us looking face to face. He reached under my dress and held my ass cheeks. I slowly slid down on top of him, watching his expression, with every inch I slid down, until I could go no further. He was completely in.
“Holy Shit.” Caleb said.
I started slowly moving up and down on Caleb’s stiff cock. My eyes completely locked on his. He began thrusting his hips in an upward motion, and we quickly found a rhythm that we both enjoyed. It was effortless, almost like we were meant to be together.
I felt my ass cheeks start to quiver, and I knew I was close to orgasm. This excited Caleb, and he thrust harder. Faster. We didn’t say anything, just kept going. Then it was full release for both of us. Simultaneously. My head fell forward as I relished the feeling of orgasm. Caleb’s fell back, and he let out a moan. A moan that will forever ring in my head. The sound of ecstasy. The sound of pure release.
We slowed out pace as our orgasms calmed, and then we stayed there. In that position. Caleb holding me by the ass, and we just looked at each other. Maybe we were meant to be together.
Shit just got real complicated.
“Anna, whatever happens, I will cherish this day forever. If you want my heart, I will give it to you. If you want Derek, I won’t stop you. Your happiness comes first.”
Dammit. That was so like him. Who says shit like this? What man fucks you then tells you, the choice is yours to make. He just wants you to be happy. He is the most unselfish man on this earth. How could she let him go?
I finally dismounted and sat next to Caleb. I pulled my dress back down, and he buttoned his pants back up. We both sat there, staring ahead. Catching our breath.
“Are you ready, Anna? Ready to get back to your family?”
Reality set in. I forgot about the sickness that I felt when I thought of going back to my family. My stomach tossed and turned, then I replied, “Let’s go. Might was well get it over with.”
Caleb gave a couple clicks to the horses with his voice, and led them back to the road. They weren’t far from her house. She sat close to him, and he enjoyed it. “I’ll drop you off by the stop sign, okay? Should only be about a 5 minute walk for you.”
“Okay,” she said.
They arrived at the stop sign, and Caleb said “Whoa” to motion the horses to stop. Caleb and I looked at each other. This time, with new eyes. Somehow, they now looked different to each other. A good kind of different. Appealing. Desirable.
“Thanks, Caleb. For everything.”
“You’re welcome, Anna. I’ll be in touch. In the meantime, if you need anything, I mean anything; I’ll be there for you.”
I kissed him goodbye, got out of the buggy, and began walking home. I didn’t look back, I just heard the clippity-clop of the horse’s shoes getting lighter and lighter. The distance between me and Caleb quickly grew, and I could no longer hear the horses.
Chapter Twelve
Once I had arrived at my driveway, I stopped and stood, looking toward the house. I admired the glowing lamps through the window. The large front porch where we had so many gatherings. The house I was born in. Grew up in. The house I had walked away from and left. So much had happened in the past few days. These few days felt like a lifetime. I started walking up the driveway, gravel crunching under my thick soled shoes. The clouds were gray, and little tiny snowflakes began to fall. It was beautiful.
My farm. The snowflakes. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have stayed.
As I neare
d the house, I took in the peacefulness. It was quiet. Every once in a while I heard a sound from the barns. Probably Ella and Twilight. Or even the goats. I stood at the back steps trying to gather my courage and took a deep breath. This is it Anna. Get your shit together and go inside. Before I lost my nerve, I walked up the five steps, and right into the house. The door was always unlocked. Mama was in the kitchen, and quickly turned her head toward the door as I entered. My heart was a bass drum inside my chest.
Mama squealed, “Anna! You’re home!” Then she proclaimed for the whole house to hear, in her loudest voice, “Anna’s home! The Lord has brought her home!”
And with that last remark, I cringed. No. No, it was not the Lord that brought me home. It was Caleb. He brought me home, by my own will. By choice. Suddenly, the reasons I left, came swirling back in. At that moment, I knew what my choice was. To say a proper good-bye, make peace with my decision, and leave. Start my own life. Whatever, and wherever, that was.
Abe came barrelling into the kitchen. “Anna! Oh Anna, I missed you so!” I cried as I bent down and gave Abe the biggest hug ever.
“I missed you squirt! Feelin’ better?”
He replied, “Yes, much better!” We hugged for a long minute before a weird silence overtook the room. Papa had walked in. He didn’t say anything, but his eyes said it all. He was disappointed, yet relieved. His Anna was home. A small smile crept up on his weathered face.
“Well, I’m filthy and tired.” I knew I needed to apologize, but getting past the lump that had formed in my throat was difficult. I swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. Sorry for the pain I have caused all of you. I’ve been confused lately. I needed space. I’m sorry.” My eyes were fixated on my papa, and he nodded slightly.
There were no questions, no conversation about where I had been. Just like I had learned, growing up, it was better to sweep that shit under the rug instead of talk about it. Why was I so worried to come home? It was easier than I thought it would be.
Mama gave me a smile and a nod. That was the ‘okay’ to go get cleaned up. I slowly walked upstairs, feeling like a visitor in my own home. When I arrived at the landing, I could see into my room, and my bed, all made up. Visions of me as a child running and jumping onto the bed filled my mind. I walked straight, and headed into the bathroom. I scrubbed myself, top to bottom. Washed the dirt and filth out of the locks in my golden hair. I took my time. When I was done, I slipped into a nightgown and stared into the mirror at my reflection. I wondered why I was so different from the other ladies in the community. Why couldn’t I just conform and be happy about it? Conforming seemed so...vanilla. Boring. Unadventurous. I know Papa always called me his wildflower. If he only knew. Vanilla was not for me.
I had to admit, my own bed did feel wonderful. Better than wonderful. I crawled under my homemade quilt and settled in. The events of the last few days swirled around my head in random flashbacks. I closed my eyes to take them all in. So many memories; cooking with Derek, waking up next to him, Caleb’s kiss, the walk in the wood, the toasty warm fire popping and cracking filling the cabin with the scent of pine. And of course, that tryst with Caleb. Guilt flooded in and took over my memories. But it was just so damn good.
Funny how my life has changed so much in the last month. Changes that I mostly brought on all by myself. Well, actually, totally brought on by myself. So many decisions I made, such as sleeping with Derek. And then, Caleb. It was hard to explain how I felt about everything. It was strange. I could honestly say at this time I had no regrets. About anything. I had committed sins in my culture, and I didn’t feel particularly bad about that. That confused me because I knew I should.
This is just another reason I do not belong in this community. I continually managed to convince myself I was making the right decision.
Exhaustion made my limbs feel so heavy, but my mind was awake.
“Anna?” I heard a knock on the door. It was Abe.
“Yeah, buddy, come on in.” The door slowly creaked open, and Abe peeked inside. As if he were afraid to come in, or talk to me, or…or what? “Come on kiddo, what’s up?” I propped myself up on my elbows in bed.
He tiptoed in the room, quietly shutting the door behind him. He walked over to my door slowly, as if afraid.
“What’s wrong, Abe?”
“Nothing really. I mean. I was just…I’m just really worried that you are leaving the family.” I sat straight up in bed now. He had my full attention. “Are you leaving, Anna?” Abe asked.
“Why do you think that? Because I was gone for a few days?” My heart was heavy as I looked as his sad little face. He frowned, and his eyes looked directly at me, seemingly pleading for an answer from me. An answer that he would like. I had no idea what to tell him at this point. I wasn’t even sure what I was doing yet. Or was I?
“I heard Aunt Cheryl talking to Mama about it. She said you had sinned and you were leaving the family and we need to just forget about you.” He hung his head down, his fingers nervously playing with the edge of my quilt.
“Abe, don’t worry about what mean old Aunt Cheryl says.” I swung my legs over the bed so I was facing him. I grabbed him in a bear hug so tight he started giggling.
“I’m so happy you’re home, Anna!” When I finally let go of him he jumped back and bounded for the door. He stopped at the door, and turned around, “Anna, can you help me with the horses tomorrow?”
“You got it kiddo.” He ran out of the room, forgetting to close the door behind him. I sighed, and stood up to go close the door. Suddenly, Mama was in the doorway looking at me. She startled me so bad, I jumped and my hand flew to my heart. She made eye contact with me, and in one swift movement she shut my door, leaving me standing in my dark bedroom, alone.
Back in bed, I took a long time to fall asleep. My mind wouldn’t stop. I was worried that Abe would always remember that conversation we just had. Would he think I had lied to him? And my Mama. The stern look she had given me had left me feeling unsettled. I’m not sure how long it took, but I finally drifted off to unconsciousness and didn’t stir until morning.
I woke up to the rich aroma of bacon filling my nose. Breakfast. I rose, and went to the bathroom to wash up and get dressed. I choose a conservative lavender dress, and put my white apron over top. I brushed out my blonde hair, and then wrapped it in a tight bun, attaching my bonnet over the top. Perfect Amish Anna. I laughed at my own thoughts.
Mama had bacon, eggs, and potatoes on the table, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited for some of Mama’s cooking. Mama, Papa, and Abe were already at the table when I sat down. Papa shook his head.
“Anna, you can sit here for now, but if the Bishop decides you are to be shunned, you will not sit here.” He continued to eat as if what he said was normal, and did not bother him one bit.
“I understand Papa.” We ate, mostly in silence. Papa was the first one to leave, presumably heading out to the fields to check on the winter wheat.
A few more minutes and Abe excused himself, saying he was going to go care for the horses. He glanced at me as he said it, but I could tell he was afraid to speak to me, or he was instructed not to. I nodded.
When I was done eating, I started gathering up the dishes and put them in the tub of water that was already prepared. I grabbed a towel, and was about to stop cleaning when my mother’s hand grabbed my shoulder. “Stop, Anna. I got this. Go help your brother in the barn please.” I was a little taken aback, but I did as I was told.
Twilight and Ella were restless this morning and Abe was having a hard time working in their stalls with them in there. I grabbed their halters, slid them on, and led them each out to the pasture to give Abe more room to work. Once I released them, they took off galloping, seemingly happy to be free and in the open air. I can totally understand their need for freedom. Pretty soon it will be me running off in the distance, basking in my freedom. I watched the horses for a few minutes, and laughed at their playfulness.
Abe and I finished
their stalls, and filled their water buckets. After tossing in a flake of hay for each horse, Abe and I were finished. We walked together back to the house.
I saw a buggy parked in the driveway, so I knew someone was here. I hoped to God it wasn’t Aunt Cheryl. Maybe it was Caleb? I told Abe I would catch up with him later and sent him off to check on the goats. Not wanting to alert anyone of my presence, I slowly and quietly opened the screen door and stepped into my living room, closing the door gently. I heard voices. Father.
“Look, John, I understand if you don’t want her back to work. She certainly acted out of line and her mother and I are working on that.” My father was talking to Mr. Johnny? A wave of nausea came over me, and I covered my mouth. That fucking bastard was in my house, and everyone was acting like he was the victim. Bastard.
“No, Mr. Yoder. I would gladly take Anna back. She is young, I understand sometimes they are emotional. I’d love to have her back. Give her another day to regroup. Send her in Wednesday morning.”
