by Jordan Cooke
“Tanya,” she corrected him. “And don’t try to get back in my good graces, Trent Owen Michaels! You condo-hopper!”
“But you’re the one who’s been really cold to me lately!” Trent looked like he might cry.
Max closed his eyes. “Please, the two of you. And Tanya, for God’s sake, I never said you existed in a talent- free—”
“Cartwheelth, cartwheelth!” shouted Legend, spraying Max again.
“Legend!” shouted Max, spitting sand. “Corliss, why aren’t you doing your job?”
“Because, Max—”
“I can take Legend for a walk, Max,” said Anushka, looking angelic.
Max looked stunned. “You would?”
“No!” shrieked Tanya. “I need time away from the set! I’ll take Legend for a walk! Me, me, me!” She jumped up and down in the sand. Legend joined her.
“And me, me, me, Maxth!”
“Quiet…quiet…QUIET!” Max was standing on his tiptoes with his hands balled up into little fists. His voice was now girly again. “Tanya, you’ve become like Anushka, and Anushka, you’ve become like a pod person! My head is splitting open and where is the one whose name I can never remember who writes the scripts?! Corliss, go find him!”
Corliss hung her head…and then ran off.
“Cartwheelth, cartwheelth!” resumed Legend, vaulting between Trent and Tanya.
Rocco stepped forward. “May I say something, Max?”
Max threw his hands in the air. “Why not? Everyone else has.”
“What’s happening here is approaching a full scale insurrection. You’re condescending to the cast and contemptuous of the crew. You refuse to assuage our insecurities because you’re too busy worrying about your own. And I’m sorry to say, as a result, this ship is moored in the harbor.”
Everyone froze. There was no sound but Tanya sniffling.
“Rocco,” Max said, swallowing his embarrassment and proceeding coolly, “I appreciate your thoughtful assessment of the situation. I’ll certainly take it into account as we move forward.”
Anushka turned toward JB and whispered. “He only kisses Rocco’s butt because of his famous family.”
JB said, “Jesus H! Who is this family of yours, Rocco, that everyone is always talking about?”
“That can wait till later,” said Max, watching helplessly as the remains of his power was leeched away.
“No, Max. Everyone might as well know now. It’s bound to get out soon.” Rocco looked at each of them. “DiTullio is my mother’s maiden name. I don’t use my father’s name ’cause I don’t want to ride on my family’s coattails.” Rocco took a big breath. “You might as well know. It’s Bellucci.”
“As in Serena Bellucci, the famed director?” asked JB.
“My cousin.”
“And as in Fredrich Fields Bellucci, legendary director of The Mafia King series and internationally renowned furniture designer?”
“My uncle. Jude Barth is another cousin. He changed his last name but everyone knows he’s part of the royal family. That’s why Max listens to whatever I say, right, Max?”
Max smiled painfully.
“Certify me speechless,” said JB.
Tanya clapped through her tears.
Just then, Corliss ran back, dragging Petey Newsome. He looked like a zombie. His hair was matted against his head and his clothes were rumpled like he’d been sleeping in a ditch.
“You requested me, Max?” asked Petey lifelessly.
“Thank God you’re here. I need you to rewrite the scene we’re doing but put it outside somewhere where there’s no sun.”
Petey just stared at him. “But we’re in Southern California, Max,” Petey droned like a member of the living dead. “The sun is kind of everywhere.”
“Not my problem.”
Petey weaved a little and then sat down in the sand and wept. “I just can’t do it anymore,” he said as his nose ran. “Trying to field your inane requests while splitting my affections between one diva goddess named Anushka, and Corliss, the marrying kind!” He wiped his nose on his black sleeve.
“Hey,” said Tanya, looking offended, “what about me?”
“Oh my God,” said Max, at the end of this tether. “This entire production is on the verge of emotional collapse! Corliss, get my Scientology counselor on the phone.”
“Max—”
“Okay, Corliss,” Trent said, “if you’ve got something with this dude here, then I’m going back to Tanya.”
“Oh, no, you are not,” said Tanya with a look of realization.
“I’m not?” he said, confused.
“No, you are not! It’s Corliss?! How could you?”
“Tanya, it’s not true!”
“I’m loving this,” said Anushka.
“Drama for your mama,” said JB.
Tanya stormed off, wailing so loudly that seagulls up and down the beach took to the sky.
Anushka helped Petey up. “Come on. Let’s go back to my trailer. I’ve got an idea for a rewrite.” She put an arm around him. “Don’t worry, Max. I’m his new muse—and the most invaluable cast member you have. You’ll have that rewrite in no time.” She tugged at Petey.
“But what about Corliss?” he said, looking forlornly at Corliss.
Anushka sized Corliss up as she took Petey away. “Corliss obviously doesn’t know what she wants. Ain’t that right, Cor?”
Corliss knew it was true.
“All right,” said Max. “Everyone go—but stand by—everyone except Corliss.”
His assistants took their leave, drinking their pomegranate juice. Rocco and JB followed. Trent went, too, wiping his eyes. Max approached Corliss.
“Corliss, that exhausted me. But I have to commend you in the matter of TNT. Who’d have thought you’d seduce Trent yourself? A brilliant strategy.”
“But Max—”
“Now if you wouldn’t mind finding Tanya and telling her you’re breaking up with Trent.”
“Excuse me? What?! Are you kidding?”
“Not at all. The next scene we’re shooting, Tanya’s character, Tessa, has to be very happy and she can’t be all swollen from crying.”
Corliss didn’t respond.
“Corliss, you’re just staring at me.”
“No, I’m not, Max. Do you know what I’m doing?”
“No, what?”
“Counting to ten silently.”
“But that’s what I do.”
“That’s where I got it. And do you know why I’m counting to ten silently?”
“No, why?”
“Because I’ve had it.”
“Had what?”
Corliss reached down into the very depths of her being to find the courage to say what she had to say. “Look, Max, you’ve made me do things so unethical and against my principles that I never in my entire life would have considered doing. And now it’s utterly and completely and seriously time for me to—”
Just then Legend appeared out of nowhere and cartwheeled directly into Max’s stomach.
“Oomph,” Max said, before crumpling to the ground.
“Max?” said Corliss, bending over. “Are you all right? Can you hear me?”
“Ith he okay?” asked Legend.
Max said nothing.
Corliss felt for Max’s pulse. “I think we need an ambulance.”
“Cool. I love ambulantheth.”
Nine
Figueroa Hotel—7:53 P.M., the Next Evening
Corliss sat on a folding chair in the actors’ holding area—a small tent filled with tubs of bottled water and baskets of LUNA bars. She was wearing a pair of spiky Manolo Blahniks and an off-the-shoulder Zac Posen original. Her hair was pulled back in a loose braid, which swooped up to the back of her head where it was held in a Regina B hair clip. Elsa Peretti hoop earrings set off a neck even she didn’t know she had until that very morning, when Uncle Ross said, “What do we have here? Oh, look, a neck!”
Corliss wanted to look amazing
for her last day on The ’Bu. The night before she’d read an article in Psychology Today called “The Psychological Benefits of Dressing for Success.”
She fingered her pink Kate Spade wallet and looked inside. An airplane ticket stared back at her.
Tanya entered the holding area. Her face was scrunched up in pain. “What are you doing in here, Corliss? Everyone’s outside.”
“Just making peace with my fate.”
“Your fate?” she said, holding her stomach. “Great outfit, by the way.”
“Thanks.” Corliss didn’t know if Tanya was still mad at her about Trent. “That sweater dress looks great on you.”
“Stella McCartney, thanks,” she said, holding her stomach again.
“Are you okay?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Tanya, look, I’m sorry about all that Trent stuff—it’s all a complete misunderstanding. You have to believe me.”
“Don’t worry, Corliss, seriously. I’m way over Trent.”
Corliss didn’t believe her.
“It’s true,” said Tanya, bending at the waist and grimacing.
“Tanya, what is it?”
“Cramps. Do you have any Advil?”
Before Corliss could answer, Tanya swiped her wallet and looked inside.
“Tanya, give that back!”
Tanya stared into the wallet. “There’s only a plane ticket in here. Are you going on a trip?” Tanya caught sight of the ticket before Corliss tore it from her hand. “Indianapolis? What kind of trip is that? Why don’t you go to, like, Honolulu?”
Corliss looked away. “If you must know, Tanya, I’m going home. Forever. Back to my people.”
“Dressed like that?”
“No, I’m scheduled to fly next Monday. I just like looking at the ticket. It makes the rest of my time here more bearable. My uncle said he’d get me an internship on Grey’s Anatomy if I wanted, but I’m done with show business. Also, that show makes my teeth hurt.”
“Why are you saying you’re done with show business? Don’t you like Hollywood?”
“I like the people. And the work is fun. And maybe it’s just this show, but somehow when you put the two together, it’s just too nutso.”
Anushka stepped in, looking breathtaking in bloodred vintage Versace with silver Gucci sandals and a matching clutch bag. “What are you chicks doing in here? Everyone’s standing by on set.”
“I have bad cramps and Corliss’s teeth hurt.”
“Ugh. I had cramps, too! Ha! Just what this set needs—the two of us on the rag at the same time.” Anushka reached into her clutch and pulled out a little bottle. “Lucky for you, I just so happen to have these on me if you guys want some. Never go anywhere without them.”
Corliss shook her head.
Tanya reached for the bottle and examined the label. “What’s Naproxen?”
“It’s just like Advil times a hundred. Prescription, so it’s totally legit.” Anushka tipped the bottle. Two pills came out. “Here ya go.”
“Tanya,” said Corliss, “are you sure you want to take those?”
Tanya threw the pills in her mouth and grabbed some bottled water to wash them down. “What, Corliss?” she said after she swallowed them.
“Nothing, forget it.”
“Ow.”
“They’ll kick in soon, Tans.”
“You’re the best, Anushka.”
“No, I’m not. In fact, I stink. The truth is I’ve been giving you bad acting tips on purpose.”
“What do you mean?”
“So that you would look bad and I’d look better by comparison. I didn’t know what to do when my character was all, like, some really dowdy girl from Indianapolis with no taste—”
“Hey! Sitting here!”
“But things have turned around recently and, like I said, I’m in rehab mode—which means making amends. I swear I’m going be a total professional from now on, and I’m sorry I made you look like such a complete and total spastic clown.”
“Ow.”
“Yeah, Tanya,” said Corliss, “that’s gotta hurt.”
“No, it’s my cramps still.”
“Don’t worry, Tans, you’ll be better in about half an hour,” said Anushka with a little grin.
“Anushka, you are the best. I probably should be mad at you, but I dunno—I’m just not. I wondered if you were giving me really bad acting tips, but the truth is you were the only one giving me any tips at all. You made me feel like I belonged. Now I see it was because of creepy-crawly reasons, but Iforgive you.”
Tanya and Anushka hugged. Corliss shook her head. How did I end up in this business with all these crazy people? Oh, yeah, I wanted to go into the mental health profession.
“Okay, PMSers,” Corliss said, looking at her watch. “Let’s get to the set. Max Marx, you are in for a little surprise…”
Figueroa Hotel, Water Bar and Pool—8:11 P.M.
The glamorous patio was tricked out in a fantasy Moroccan theme that conveyed an air of exoticism: flower petals and fire pits floated in the pool and bronzed, bare-chested waiters strolled about in billowy silk pants.
Corliss could see Rocco and Trent already in place by the pool. Dressed in dark suits, with their hair slicked back, they looked as if they’d just stepped out of an Armani ad. When Anushka and Tanya joined them poolside, the effect was electric. Even JB, bouncing into view in a crisp Zegna suit, managed to convey some kind of off-kilter sophistication.
Yep, Corliss thought, they are truly the best-looking kids for miles. And after today I’ll never see them again.
Max made his entrance onto the patio with his assistants fanning out behind him in a perfect V formation. “Hello, people of The ’Bu.”
Corliss noted he seemed to be in an uncharacteristically good mood.
“Today I am in an uncharacteristically good mood,” he said as he rounded the pool. “Do you know why?”
“No, why?” they all said rather weakly.
“I’ll tell you. Even though I was kicked in the stomach by Legend yesterday, and I had to go to Cedars Sinai in an ambulance, I returned to my home last evening to find two wonderful things: the best anti-anxiety prescription on the market and the best rewrite I’ve ever read.”
Rocco looked skeptical. Tanya applauded. “I got pills, too!” She winked at Anushka.
Max smiled benignly. “The rewrite was written by a young man named Petey Newsome, who has apparently just joined the writing staff. The network must have hired him behind my back, but good on them. They made an excellent choice.”
Corliss rolled her eyes. Anushka coughed.
“So I hope you’ve all recovered from yesterday’s debacle—that’s Rocco DiTullio’s word, I acknowledge,” he said with a tip of his head in Rocco’s direction. “Because Petey Newsome has delivered a rewrite that takes place here at Figueroa Hotel at what is called the magic hour—those heartbreaking twenty minutes of deep blueness that occur as the sun sets. This scene should function as a staggering counterpoint to all that blinding sun we use in all the other scenes in the pilot.”
“So, places please. We have to be entirely prepared—we’ll only have the correct light for a very few minutes.”
Corliss got out of the way, clutching her wallet and the ticket within like a security blanket. The cast took their places around the pool. The camerawoman got behind her camera and refined the focus.
“Max,” the camerawoman said, pointing at the light in the sky. “We’d better get moving.”
“Okay, people. Very simple. Trent, your character, Travis, is waiting poolside, not knowing if Tessa, Tanya’s character, will stand him up or not.”
Corliss’s heart raced. All of a sudden she felt excited. She recalled having this feeling a few times during production. But then she remembered all her disappointments and told herself to calm down. Remember—these are insane people!
“Tanya,” continued Max. “All you have to do is come from the hotel and walk along the pool until you reach
Trent. Anushka, once Tanya reaches Trent, you will come on as Alecia and throw a lounge chair at Tessa’s head. It misses and goes into the pool. That’s when JB comes on as Ollie and says his funny line and then Rocco comes on as Ramone and has his monologue about their empty lives. Okay?”
Everyone nodded. Tanya raised her hand.
Corliss held her breath. Here we go.
“Just one question, Max. Where exactly is the pool?”
All the actors looked at each other. Then they looked at Max.
“Tanya,” Max said with the infinite patience of someone on anti-anxiety medication, “the pool is this large wet thing in front of us.”
“Oh,” she said, squinting. “For some reason everything seems a little fuzzy.”
Corliss shot Anushka a look. Just how strong were those pills?
“We’d better go,” said the camerawoman to Max, looking up as the light in the sky moved from blue to violet.
“Okay, people, this is it.”
The actors prepared themselves and took their places. Max looked up at the darkening sky, waited a moment for it to turn a deeper shade of blue, and then said, “Action.”
Trent stood, waiting for Tanya. She didn’t come out of the hotel. Max signaled Corliss to tell Tanya it was her cue. Corliss ducked into the hotel and, after a moment, Tanya emerged. She looked confused. Out of view of the camera, Corliss made a little walk signal with her fingers. Tanya mimicked it back, with a hushed giggle. Then it seemed to dawn on her that she was the one who should be walking.
She began her trek alongside the pool. Max bit his manicure. She seemed a little wobbly. Trent kept looking back over his shoulder to see if she would make it. Suddenly, JB entered, jumping his cue.
“Ollie’s here! Time to party!”
Tanya flinched when she heard his voice.
“Oh, God,” said Max as Tanya turned.
Oh, God, thought Corliss as she saw Tanya catch her heel.
“Oh, God,” yelped Tanya as she stumbled. She regained her balance and took a big breath. Then with seemingly no provocation other than a faint breeze, perhaps, she stumbled again, this time toppling backward and landing in the pool with a giant splash.
“Cut, please,” said Max.
JB looked confused. “Did we restage this?”
