by K. S. Smith
****
As I sat in the waiting room of the hospital I feared for my wife and our unborn child. I couldn’t survive without Reagan; I needed her like I needed the oxygen in my lungs, without one the other simply would not survive.
It had been over an hour when the doctor finally emerged, a look of defeat on his face as he approached me, his head hung, eyes concentrating on the floor.
“Mr. Conrad?” he asked as I shot up out of the chair, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.”
“Where is my wife?” I begged, fighting the tears that were now pooling in my eyes.
The doctor’s head snapped up, “Mrs. Conrad is doing just fine under the circumstances, but I’m afraid the baby...”
He dropped his head again, “I’m sorry Mr. Conrad, but the baby didn’t make it.”
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach as I backed away from the doctor, collapsing into the seat that I’d just been sitting in. My elbows rested on my knees as I buried my face into the palms of my hands. This can’t be happening, our baby, gone. I thought to myself as the tears pooled in the palms of my hands.
Before I could get it together I felt the warmth of the doctor's hand on my shoulder, “You wife is in room 2284 when you’re ready.” I sat there a moment longer, his footsteps getting quieter as he exited the waiting room.
Standing from my chair I sucked in a deep breath, releasing it as I pulled my palms over my face, doing my best to rid the tears from my eyes and began the journey down the sterile hallway toward my wife who I knew would be more broken than I’d ever imagined possible.
I stood in the hallway staring at the room number, willing myself to wake up from this devastating dream when a nurse approached me and stood at my side, “You are free to go in, she could use some company, this has been very difficult for her.”
I sluggishly glanced down to the tiny nurse who was standing to my right and forced a smile on to my face, “Thank you,” I said nodding in her direction hoping that she truly understood how much I appreciated all that they had done and would continue to do for Reagan while she was here in this hospital mourning our unborn baby.
As I gradually pushed the large wooden door open I sucked in a deep breath, holding it a moment before exhaling. Reagan was lying in the hospital bed turned on her side facing away from the door. I crossed the room and stood next to the bed, gently resting my hand on her hip as I leaned down to brush my lips against her head.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” I whispered quietly into her ear before kissing her head again.
Her soft whimpers quickly escalated into deep heart wrenching sobs that filled the entire room and just like when the doctor had given me the news, my heart sank again, aching for my wife who had to endure yet another loss.
I slowly made my way around the hospital bed and sat down in the seat that was next to Reagan’s bedside. I stared into her eyes as the tears continued to pour. Unsure of what I could say to make her feel better so instead I just reached out for her hands that were cupped underneath her chin.
Almost instinctively Reagan pulled back from me and I felt a twinge of pain deep within as I recognized her beginning to retreat like she’d done in the past.
I inched up closer toward Reagan and was nose to nose with her, “Baby, please don’t pull away from me, not now. We need each other more than ever during all of this.”
Her eyes closed momentarily before she opened them again, her lashes wet with tears, “Please just let me be alone, Cole. I need time to process all of this.”
Reagan shifted her weight and turned to face the other way as I leaned back in the chair, realizing that my wife, for the first time in our marriage was pulling away from me.
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
I gripped the steering wheel on my way home so tight that I thought my fingers were going to fall off. My wife didn’t need me in one of the most difficult moments of her life. Letting up I sighed, she does need you, she just doesn’t know any other way to cope with loss, this is what she does, she pushes people away.
My headlights shined on our house as I pulled into the driveway. Sitting there for a moment I prepared myself for what I was about to walk in to.
I stepped into the foyer, the room was silent, all of the lights in the house were still shining brightly. My shoes sounded against the floors as I trudged up the stairs toward our bedroom. Standing in the threshold I glared at the bathroom, my eyes focusing on pool of blood that still remained on the floor and without even a thought I crossed the room and slammed the bathroom door shut before collapsing down onto the bed, exhausted and emotionally drained.
****
The bright sunlight peeking through the window woke me out of the deep sleep that I must have fallen into last night and I climbed out of bed. I patted my pockets looking for my cell phone when I remembered that I’d dropped it on the bathroom floor the day before.
I cringed at the thought of seeing that room, covered in blood, all over again, but I pushed through it and swung the door open, scooped my phone up off of the tile floor and slammed the door again before making my way into the guest bathroom downstairs.
Warm water washed over my iPhone as I rinsed the dried blood off of it, thankful in that moment for my lifeproof case. I had three missed calls from Addison, but there was nothing from the hospital or Reagan’s cell phone.
I found the number for the hospital and dialed Reagan’s room, a nurse answering instead of my wife, “Hello.” The unfamiliar voice sounded through the phone.
“Good morning, this is Cole, Reagan’s husband; may I speak to my wife please?”
I listened as the nurse spoke to Reagan, “Mrs. Conrad, your husband is on the phone.”
I did my best to be as quiet as possible so that I would hear Reagan’s response, but all I got was the voice of the nurse again, “I’m sorry sir, she is resting at the moment, you’ll have to call back later on.”
Angry I hung up and slammed the phone down on the vanity, gripping the granite edge as I looked at myself in the oversized mirror. Get it together, Cole. This is Reagan, you love her regardless of her crazy ways. Get yourself cleaned up and get back to that hospital to be with your wife, I thought as I peered at my blood stained shirt.
Showered and in clean clothes I drove through town on my way to the hospital, dialing Toni in the process.
“Good morning, Cole, how is your morning going?” Her voice was pleasant and I didn’t want to worry her any so I kept my cool and got straight to the point.
“Off to a rocky start, but nothing to be worried about. I need you to call The Bellevue and have Tina send over a cleaning crew to the house. We need a full top to bottom clean and I’d like them to have it completed by noon.”
“Will do, should I expect you in the office at all today?” She asked, her voice still full of cheer.
“Not today, in fact if you would push all of my appointments to next week that would be great.” Turning into the hospital I ended the call with Toni. “I’ve got to run, email me if you need anything.”
“Absolutely, have a wonderful day. Please tell Reagan and the bun in the oven hello for me.”
My stomach instantly knotting as I hung up and the thought of telling all of our family and friends that we’d lost the baby washed over me.
****
The doctor was at Reagan’s bedside when I walked in, both of them turning to look at me before focusing back on their conversation.
The doctor continued, “There will more than likely be more bleeding, mostly just heavy spotting as the worst has already passed. I’ve called in a prescription for pain medicine to the pharmacy; take them as needed, but no more than three a day.”
He continued going over his instructions with Reagan as I stood back, knowing that she still needed her space. Once he was finished he turned and looked to me with sympathetic eyes before leaving the room.
I glanced over at Reagan who was sitting on the edge of the bed, her legs dangling off of th
e side while she stared down at her lap.
I crossed the room and stood in front of her, pressing lightly against her knees as I cupped her face in my palms, lifting it so she was looking up at me. Tears pooled in her eyes as she studied my face.
“How you feeling?” I asked softly.
I watched as her arms cradled her belly and her shoulders sunk, a forlorn look taking hold of her face, “I’m devastated, Cole. I really don’t know how else to put it.” The tears began to flow down her cheeks.
I wrapped my arms around my wife and held her tight as she continued to cradle her belly that once held our growing baby, “Come on, let’s get you home and into bed.”
I did my best to help Reagan, but she pushed back with resistance every step of the way home. As I merged into the left turn lane from the hospital Reagan spoke softly, “Turn right, please” She whispered.
“Where are we headed?” I asked, curiously.
She spoke as her eyes stared out of the passenger’s side window, “I can’t go back to the house, not yet. I need all of the baby stuff gone first. Take me to The Bellevue, I’ll stay in the penthouse until I can have someone go home and clear everything out.” A helpless sigh escaped her lips and I knew this conversation was over.
We’d already designated the baby’s room back at the house and Reagan and Addison were already doing their best to fill the room with all of the necessities. They both knew we still had plenty of time to prepare, but didn’t waste any time.
Now it would be up to me to figure out what I was going to do with all of the things they’d bought. I couldn’t imagine that my wife would want me to give them away, but I knew she couldn’t bear to look at them or have them stay in our house.
As I pulled up to the valet attendant at the Belleview I knew this was something I’d have to have help with, but right now all I could do was focus on Reagan.
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
Reagan was tucked into bed and the staff knew to leave her alone unless she needed something specific. Meanwhile I was on my way home, without my wife.
The drive seemed like it would take forever as I thought back to the conversation between Reagan and I back the penthouse suite of The Belleview.
“Thank you for bringing me here,” Reagan whispered as she climbed into the large California King sized bed and snuggled up with the plush pillows.
Brushing her hair behind her ear I leaned down and kissed her forehead, “Of course, now get some rest. I’m going to set up in the living room and get some work done, if you need anything let me know.” I kissed her lips this time only to taste salt from a tear that had fallen down her cheek.
Bringing my attention back to her beautiful face I watched as the tears began to roll down her cheeks. I used the pads of my thumbs to softly wipe them before Reagan reached up and took my hands into hers.
“I need to be alone, Cole. I just need time and space, maybe just a few days until I can wrap my head around all of this.” Her eyes pleaded with me for a moment and then redirected toward her hands that were now fidgeting with my fingers.
Angry, my initial thought was to scream no, but instead I quickly calmed myself down so I was able to get my point across without hurting her even further.
“I’m not going to leave you alone, Reagan. You’ve just lost our baby, there is no way I am going to leave you here all by yourself to mourn that loss without me. This is something we need to do together, as husband and wife. I can’t imagine what you are going through right now, physically and emotionally, but you need to understand that the baby was mine too. You think it’s going to be easy for me to go home and walk past that room? Not a chance and I don’t expect you to have to endure that on your own, so why should I? When we said our wedding vows we promised together that we’d be there, for better or worse. This is probably as worse as it is going to get, I’m not walking out on you now.”
Reagan continued to look down at her hands that had now pulled away from mine and her delicate voice softly sounding, “Please Cole, just go.”
I’d heard these words before from Reagan and nothing good came of it, but deep down I knew it would only cause her more grief if I stood there and fought with her about letting me stay. So instead I leaned in and lifted her chin with my finger, “You want me to go, fine. I’ll go home, but I’m telling you right now, you’ve got two days. Two days to sort this all out in your head and then I’m coming back to pick you up and bring you home, do you understand me Reagan Conrad?”
I emphasized her last name, trying to remind her that we were a team now and it was no longer just about her, now it was about us.
She nodded just before my hand slipped around the back of her head, pulling her toward me as I pressed my lips to her forehead. “I love you Reagan.” I whispered before turning and leaving my wife there all alone to deal with the loss we’d just endured.
Unable to go upstairs once I was home I collapsed down onto the couch in the living room and finally decided that it was time I fill a few people in on what had taken place over the past two days.
“Well hello there handsome, how is my very best friend and dear cousin doing on this beautiful afternoon?” Addison asked in her usual chipper tone and I knew she was referring to Reagan and not me.
“Not good, listen I’ve got some bad news,” I heard her suck in a sharp breath over the speaker of the phone and I quickly went on before she could begin asking a million questions. “Reagan miscarried the baby yesterday afternoon; she was hospitalized all night and released today.”
Her tone went from chipper to remorseful in a split second, “Oh Cole I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how you both are handling this, especially Reagan. Can I come over, I know she probably doesn’t want company, but this is me. Hell I don’t even need your permission, I’m on my way. I’ll leave the baby with Case.” I could hear Addison sweeping through the house gathering her things.
“She’s not here, you’ll have to go to The Belleview,” I said, knowing that Addison would understand.
“She’s pushing you away, isn’t she?” Addison stated her question matter of factly because we both knew that she wasn’t really asking.
“She is, I’ve given her two days in the penthouse to deal with everything but after that she comes home, no questions asked.”
There was silence for a moment on the other end of the phone and then I could hear her rustling again, “I’ll try to talk some sense into her, I love you Cole and again, I am so sorry for your loss.”
A weak smile covered my face, “Thanks, love you too. Shoot me a text with any updates, please.”
“I will, promise.” And then the call ended.
****
An hour had passed since I’d talked to Addison when I heard a knock on the front door. Not in the mood to deal with anyone I ignored it. Another knock, this time louder. I ignored it again. A few moments later I heard the garage door opening and instantly knew it had to have been one of the only two people who knew the code to our garage keypad other than Reagan and I.
I didn’t move from the couch when the door opened, instead I just sat there staring at the blank screen of the television. My ears followed the footsteps behind me into the kitchen as the refrigerator door opened and glass bottles clinked against each other.
Next thing I knew Case was sitting down on the couch next to me with a beer bottle in each hand before he passed one over to me, “I’m sorry, man.” He said before taking a sip of his beer.
I nodded and followed suit, taking a long drag before I spoke, “Thanks.”
We’d both finished our beers and were on round two before either one of us said another word, not able to sit in silence any longer I broke first, “Where’s Charlotte? Addison didn’t take her to see Reagan, right?”
“No, I dropped her off with Teresa and Theo for the evening. I figured you could use some company and they were happy to babysit.”
A twinge of pain hit my chest thinking about how excited they were to b
abysit when Reagan told them we were expecting, “You didn’t mention anything to them, right?”
Casey shook his head, “No, that’s for you and Reagan to tell, not me.”
I nodded, knowing that he was right; soon Reagan and I would have to tell everyone that she’d lost the baby and that was not something I was looking forward to.
CHAPTER THIRTY
I’d given Reagan the two days I promised her and now she was on her way home. I’d called her that morning to see if she needed me to pick her up, but she’d assured me that she was fine and would be getting a ride from Teresa who’d come over to have breakfast with her earlier that morning.
The house was spotless and I’d had the foyer filled with twelve dozen long stemmed red roses, so it would smell like a garden when she arrived. I knew deep down that it might have been a bit overboard, but I didn’t care. I paced back and forth for about half hour after I received the call from Reagan that she was on her way and finally went in to my office to pass the time when I realized that they may have had a few other stops before she’d arrive.
After several phone calls to clients and a few discussions of new deals that were in the works I’d realized that two hours had passed and still nothing. Now I was starting to get worried, so I picked up my cell phone and called Reagan. She answered on the third ring.
“Hello.” Her voice was soft and absent of emotion.
“Hey babe, is everything alright? I was starting to get worried.”
“Everything is fine; Teresa and I will be there in five minutes.”
