“We aren’t together,” Marco said, enunciating each word like Andrea was a preschooler with a listening problem. “It’s over with me and Desiree. It was a mistake. A big mistake. The only good thing that came of the whole mess is that I realized how much I miss you.”
“Okay, let me get this straight. You and Desiree are no longer together.”
“Right,” he said, looking prematurely happy. “That’s it.”
“And it’s also true that you just found the ring in the safe-deposit box recently.”
“Yes.”
“So how was it that Desiree was at the house to try the ring on? I mean, if you’re not together anymore and you just found the ring, how did that timing work out?”
His smile faded. “You don’t understand.”
“So you’ve had my ring for a while and didn’t return it to me? Or, you just found it and Desiree tried it on recently, which means she’s still in your life? Which is it?”
“Neither one.” He held up a hand to explain and Andrea had an image of him running in place trying to catch up to his lies. “I did just find the ring. Desiree came back to the house for some of her stuff, and she saw it on the table. I told her to leave it alone, but that woman is a bubblehead. Doesn’t listen for crap. Not like you, Andrea.” He kept talking, reminiscing about a vacation they’d once taken to the Florida Keys. It had been a fairly idyllic trip and he was trying to suck her into the emotional vortex of their shared good times. Nothing like traveling with Desiree, he said, and went on to list all the ways she annoyed him.
Wanting to flee, Andrea felt her hand tighten around the leash that wasn’t there. Her stomach clenched the way it did during every dispute she’d ever had with Marco. He would never admit when he was wrong. Ever. Never said he was sorry. He never admitted to forgetting or misunderstanding or doing any of the things that human beings do. Marco was always right, and he would just keep on talking until the dizziness of his words made her head ache. Before, she had always given in. Good grief, most of the time she wound up apologizing for things he had done.
His other strategy, which he was employing now, was to change the subject to one that made him look good, and then get her to agree with him. Most of the time she’d walked away feeling lucky to have him. Out of all the women in the world, Marco had chosen her. That’s how she used to think, anyway.
She looked at him across the table, still talking, his hands gesturing, completely in love with his own words, and suddenly the obvious hit her. She had no ties to him anymore. Marco was not her problem. She had a car, a good job, a nice condo, friends and family, and a dog. And now she had her grandmother’s ring. Andrea did not need him. If she never saw him again, her life would go on and all would be fine. She grabbed her purse and pushed back from the table. “I have to go, Marco,” she said. “Don’t call me again.”
She rushed out of the place, her coat draped over her arm. As she passed the front window, she spotted him inside, still looking at the doorway she’d just walked through. The expression on his face said he couldn’t believe it. Stunned, that’s how he looked. Andrea, who’d always been as malleable as a marshmallow, had finally stood up to him. She felt a sense of pride, but on a more practical level, she also felt cold. Once she’d gotten past the window, she stopped to put on her coat and gloves. Part of her thought Marco might rush out and try to change her mind, but he didn’t. That wouldn’t have been his way. He liked to be in charge and chasing her would have reeked of desperation.
When Andrea got back to the office, she called Jade. They never talked on the phone during work hours, but Andrea couldn’t wait and she knew Jade would understand. She told her the whole story, ending with, “And then I told him, ‘Don’t call me again.’”
“Whoa,” Jade said. “Very ballsy of you. It’s about time. I heartily approve.” Jade had been telling Andrea to grow a backbone the entire time she was married. Back then, she thought Jade couldn’t possibly understand how much compromise was required in a marriage, how much of a trade-off was necessary to keep things running smoothly. She’d been deluded back then.
“I can’t believe he let Desiree try on my ring. I hate thinking of her touching it,” Andrea said, tilting her hand to see the light catch the gem. With the ring still on, she’d washed her hands with liquid soap and water as soon as she’d gotten back to the office, trying to scrub away all traces of Marco and Desiree. It smelled like antibacterial soap now, which wasn’t the most appealing odor, but it gave her the satisfaction of knowing she’d wiped it clean and it was all hers again.
“Yeah, that was sick. But you know, she’s pretty much touched everything else you used to cherish.”
“She’s welcome to it now,” Andrea said. “I don’t want anything to do with Marco anymore.”
“So tell me about this Dan.”
“Ah, Dan.” Andrea leaned back in her chair and took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “What can I say about Dan?” She tapped her fingers on the desk. “He’s just really great.”
“Oh my God, you’re totally in love with him,” Jade exclaimed.
Andrea sat up. “No, don’t be ridiculous. I barely know him, how could I be totally in love with him?” In fact, she thought, they’d hardly begun to talk when Marco had arrived. It wasn’t anything Dan said, or did, it was just something she sensed about him. Something really appealing that was hard to put into words. A quiet strength. A decency. Warmth. He didn’t seem like the type of guy who had anything to prove. “I just really liked him. You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just hit it off? I don’t know how to describe it, really. I just felt like we clicked.” She thought Dan felt the click as well, but it was possible she was projecting her own hopes onto the situation.
“So what’s your strategy for seeing him again?” Jade asked.
“Strategy? I don’t have one, really. I have lunch at the coffee shop a few times a week. Maybe I’ll run into him again.”
“Well, that’s pretty lame.” Andrea heard a crunch on the other end of the line, the sound of Jade taking a bite out of something, probably a carrot stick.
Andrea said, “That’s all I’ve got. I don’t know his last name or anything else about him.”
“You have to think a little harder than that. What else do you know about him?” said Jade, who prided herself on always thinking creatively.
“I’m not calling Desiree, if that’s where you’re going with this.”
Jade said, “No, my dear Andrea, that’s not where I’m going at all. You know more about this guy than you realize. He drives a large red pickup truck, right? Did you catch the license plate number?”
“No.”
“Okay, what I’d do next is tell Joan he left his gloves or something behind and you don’t know his last name. She might know his name or maybe he paid with a credit card and she can look it up.”
“Not doing it.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s manipulative and underhanded and immature. Plus, Joan would just tell me to give the gloves to her, that she’d hold onto them until he came in again.”
Jade was undeterred. “Well, how about this? You call Bodecker’s on Main and ask if Desiree and Dan had a reservation for lunch the day we saw them there. If it’s in his name, then voilà! You’ve got him.”
“Jade, are you even listening to yourself? That’s creepy. Besides, they aren’t going to give out that kind of information.”
“They will if you come up with a good reason.”
“And what would that be?”
“I don’t know. This is your thing, not mine. Help me out here. I can’t be brainstorming all by myself.”
Andrea said, “I think I’ll just see if I run into him again at the coffee shop. If it doesn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be.”
“It wasn’t meant to be,” Jade said, lightly mimicking. “D
on’t tell me you’re leaving it up to the universe to decide. The universe has better things to do. You have to take charge. Make it happen. Do like Martina Dearhart says and open your arms wide and say ‘hello, love!’”
This was Jade at her most exuberant. Andrea could picture her on the other end of the line with arms outstretched and chin lifted heavenward, doing jazz hands. She could be very convincing when she wanted to be. “That’s all well and good,” Andrea said. “But I think I’m going to stick to my plan.”
“Your plan is no plan.”
“And yet,” Andrea said with finality, “it is mine.”
“Well,” Jade said, not even trying to hide the fact she was chewing, “good luck with that.”
THIRTY-ONE
Outside the wind howled under the eaves, keeping Dan awake. Even with Christine gone all this time, he tended to stay on his side of the bed, or at least that’s how he started out when he first settled in for the night. Sometimes he’d wake up in the morning in the middle, covers askew, his arm flung over her pillow as if he had been holding her in a dream.
Other times, like tonight, he felt her presence so strongly it was as if he could reach out and touch her. The energy and warmth emanating from her side was exactly as it had been when she was alive. Once, half-asleep, he actually slipped his hand under the covers and let it drift over, half expecting to feel her there, to be able to caress her palm the way he used to, but she wasn’t there, of course. He never made that mistake again, but when he got the sense she was there in those moments between wakefulness and sleep, he found himself talking to her, whispering the way they always had. He felt better afterward, talking about his troubles, foolishly hoping Christine had actually heard him.
Sometimes he talked about work, but most of the time it was about Lindsay. Nothing major, just basic parenting issues like the fact that she wanted to stay out all night after the prom. All of her friends were going to a party at one of her girlfriends’ houses, and then the whole group planned to go out for breakfast in the morning. Lindsay had argued she’d be going off to college in the fall and then he’d have no idea how late she stayed out. When Lindsay presented it that way, it sounded reasonable. Was one night now so different from the freedom she’d have next September? He didn’t think so, but he wished he could run it past his wife. She always had such a good take on things.
Sometimes, after having one of these one-sided discussions, Dan woke up knowing the answer to his questions. Did Christine have a hand in that, or was it his subconscious at work? He wished there was a way to know for sure.
That night, listening to the soft moan of the wind, something different was on his mind. It troubled him that he’d felt a connection to Andrea, the woman he’d run into in the coffee shop. He liked her. And while they had sat across from each other at the table, everything around them fell away. The background noise, the other people—none of it mattered. It was just them and there was nowhere else he wanted to be. Surreal, in a way.
He couldn’t put his finger on what it was about her that affected him this way. True, she was pretty without being flashy, easy to talk to, and had a ready smile. But it was more than that. Andrea seemed familiar, and not just from seeing her in the parking lot at Bodecker’s on Main. There was an immediate comfort level with her. He knew from past experience this was not a common thing. It wasn’t just that he was lonely (which, in fact, he was, although he’d deny it if anyone brought up the subject), because he didn’t feel this way about everyone. That Desiree, for example. He’d have to be the last man on the planet to welcome her presence in his life and even then he’d want to live in separate houses. And not in the same neighborhood even. No, it was more than simply being lonely. There was something about Andrea, something he couldn’t put into words.
Dan had even felt a surge of jealousy when that other guy showed up, the loudmouth Jethro who’d barged in like he owned the place. The only thing that made him feel better was Andrea’s reaction. She wasn’t all that happy to see the guy and she looked somewhat wistful that Dan was leaving. He felt that way too.
And that was the problem, the conflict that raged inside of him. He couldn’t be attracted to another woman because he still felt married to Christine. It was so odd that she was no longer his wife, because they hadn’t gotten divorced, never even talked about separating. Ever. They’d been happily married, rarely argued, still enjoyed each other’s company right to the end. She never once got on his nerves to the point where he wished her gone. The fact that she was ripped out of his life was a tragedy. He was not single by choice, and yet he was indeed single, because he was alone. He’d been left behind.
He whispered, “Christine?” His voice melted into the darkness, and he went on. “Christine, I miss you.” Outside the howling had subsided to a low moan. It would be a bad night to be stuck outdoors. “Lindsay will be gone in a few months, and I’ll be alone in this house. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with that. How am I supposed to go on without you?” He waited, taking a deep breath. “Would you mind so much if I had someone else in my life? No one could be like you, I know . . .” A lump formed in his throat. This was insane, he thought, this talking to himself. He was getting all worked up, and for what?
A sign, he’d give anything for a sign, but he knew life didn’t work that way. He was on his own. He sighed and the wind outside echoed the sound. Dan lay there for a long time, thinking about how he would live his life going forward. Drowsiness washed over him and he felt himself sinking comfortably into the mattress until at last he was asleep.
THIRTY-TWO
The next day after work, Andrea found herself singing along to the radio as she drove to visit her grandmother. Anni sat comfortably on the passenger seat, her nose pointed at Andrea instead of the view out the window. Andrea found herself talking to Anni in a high-pitched, silly voice. She had no idea where this voice came from. One day it was just there.
She reached over and gave Anni a pat. “Are we going to see Gram? Oh yes we are, oh yes we are.” Anni’s ears perked up, responding to the inflection in Andrea’s voice. “She’s going to love seeing you again, my beautiful baby.”
After pulling into the parking lot at the nursing home, Andrea snapped the leash onto Anni’s collar and led her across the parking lot. Anni had developed a distaste for wet, slushy snow and walked carefully, pulling her feet up in an exaggerated way, like she was walking on hot coals. “I don’t like it any more than you do,” Andrea said, coaxing her along. Of course, people didn’t have to actually walk barefoot in the snow, so it wasn’t the same thing at all. Anni’s feet had to be freezing and wet. Maybe, she thought, it was time to get some of those little doggie boots she’d always thought were so ridiculous. Funny how different the view looked from the other side of the fence.
Once past the glass doors, Andrea recognized the older lady with the silver bouffant hair who sat behind the counter. She’d been the one who’d made a big fuss over Anni the last time they’d visited. Today she had a phone against her ear, and one finger held up to indicate she’d be right with the older gentleman who stood waiting in front of her. Her face showed a flash of recognition upon spotting Anni and Andrea, and she smiled and waved them through without making them sign in.
Everywhere they went, they got star treatment, Andrea thought. Who knew having a dog elevated a person’s status to that extent? In the elevator, Anni stood facing the door, like she knew how this was going to go. When the doors slid open, she scampered out, immediately evoking comments from people in the hallway.
“Hey there, little doggie!”
“Look at that cute puppy.”
“Aww.”
A white-haired woman parked in a wheelchair outside her doorway stopped Andrea to ask, “Can I pet her?” and when given permission, reached down to tentatively touch the top of Anni’s head. “Oh so soft,” she said. “So sweet.” Andrea, who had planned to go right to Gra
m’s room, felt the urgency fall away and stayed rooted to the spot. She crouched down next to the woman’s chair. “She likes you,” she offered. “You seem to have a knack for petting her in just the right spot.” The woman’s hands were gnarled, the veins evident through papery skin, and her movements were shaky, but she managed to pet Anni’s head with short strokes. For her part, Anni sat still, as if she knew.
After a few minutes, Andrea got up and patted the woman’s hand. “We have to go, but I’m glad we got a chance to visit with you.” The woman nodded, not saying anything, but when Andrea glanced back, she was waving to them with trembling fingers.
This was a good thing, sharing the joy of having a pet. And such a simple thing to do. When Andrea got to Gram’s room, the door was open. Still, she knocked on the doorframe before coming in. “Gram?” she said.
A young woman in scrubs sat on the bed facing her grandmother, who was sitting in the recliner with her arms raised toward the ceiling like she was surrendering. Both of them turned to look when Andrea walked in.
“Did I come at a bad time?” Andrea asked.
The young woman shook her head, making her dreadlocks shiver. “Just finishing up her PT. I was putting Mrs. Keller through her exercises. We’ve got to stay limber, you know.” She stood up and gently guided Gram’s hands down to her lap. “We can wrap up early, Mrs. Keller, since you’ve got a visitor.”
As she walked past Andrea, the physical therapist reached down to give Anni a pat. “What a sweetie,” she said.
“She seems to have a fan club here,” Andrea said.
“Just keep bringing her back.” She stood up and Andrea saw that her name badge had “Alicia Banks” printed under her photo. “The residents really seem to respond to animals, especially calm dogs like this one.”
Hello Love Page 17
