by David Essex
All was as it always was, but Danny couldn’t help feeling uneasy. He had a loving wife, a beautiful daughter, a new home to look forward to. But sometimes, too many changes could be overwhelming.
Where would these uncharted waters take him? Perhaps it was the thought of moving away from the area he had known since he was a baby that was confusing him. And then of course, there was the battle to come. “A life-changing contest,” Costa had said. Danny’s life was already changing.
For the better on paper, but what about in reality?
His thoughts were broken by Ruby’s crying. Danny looked at her cherry-red face and open mouth. She looked like a baby bird, waiting hopefully for its mother to return with food. Reaching into the bag hanging on the pram, Danny picked up the baby bottle of milk his mother had filled before they left. Taking Ruby in his arms, he tucked the bottle teat between her little red lips.
As he watched her feeding, all the grey clouds in his mind disappeared.
Seeing her so helpless and dependent on him cleared his thoughts. The desire to get things right and build a happy future for his baby girl welled up in him, a feeling as strong as the oak tree that they sat under which shaded them from the sparkling sun.
With Ruby fed and happy and trying to munch on one of Rosie’s rusks, Danny wheeled the pram out of the park again. “We should get back, Ruby,” he told his daughter. “Mummy will be wondering where we are.”
At the last minute, he decided to make a detour to Lenny’s garage.
Lenny was in his usual position underneath a car.
“I’ve brought someone to see you, Lenny,” Danny told Lenny’s legs.
“Is that you, Danny?” came Lenny’s voice from underneath an exhaust pipe.
“You remember Ruby, Len,” Danny said as Lenny slid out from underneath the car. “Ruby? This is your uncle Lenny.”
Lenny’s face lit up. “Ain’t she got big?” he said, as Ruby wriggled and fretted in Danny’s arms. “Beautiful too. Good job she takes after her mother. Let me wash me hands so I can hold her.”
“She’s all yours,” said Danny.
As soon as Lenny took her, Ruby stopped fretting and became still and serene.
“I think she likes me,” Lenny said proudly. “She’s got taste.”
Lifting the little girl high in the air, Lenny then started to sing a soft lullaby, making up the words as he went along. Ruby was hooked, a wondering smile spreading across her little face.
Danny loved seeing them together. “You look like the perfect grandad, Lenny,” he said in admiration.
Lenny finished his song. A mesmerised Ruby had already fallen into a happy sleep in his arms. Taking Ruby from Lenny, Danny put her gently in the pram.
“She is lovely,” Lenny said, looking down at the pram. “You’re a lucky boy.”
“I know,” said Danny. “So did you hear about Albert? Leaving and that?”
Lenny made a face. “He told me,” he said. “He thinks a lot of you, Danny, but not a lot of Costa and Cohen.”
“That ain’t a reason to leave,” said Danny, fishing for answers.
“He’s got his reasons,” was Lenny’s enigmatic reply. “He didn’t want to talk too much about it.”
It seemed to Danny that Lenny either wouldn’t or couldn’t throw more light on Albert’s decision.
“I know where he lives,” he said aloud. “Above that junk shop. I could go and have a chat with him, maybe. You know, away from the Live and Let Live.”
“Not a good idea,” said Lenny. “Albert don’t have visitors. He has let me in his flat only twice all the years I’ve known him. So Danny, I hear Costa and Cohen are working for you, got your next fight planned?”
Danny reluctantly dropped the subject of Albert. “Yeah, they’re doing good. I’m fighting Billy Livermore in a few months’ time.”
Lenny whistled. “Now that’ll be a tall order,” he said with a smile. “But don’t you worry. Your number-one fan will be there to support you.”
This statement of loyalty meant a lot to Danny. With Albert gone, he’d felt sort of abandoned. Having Lenny around at least would be something.
They wished each other warm goodbyes and Danny headed back to Wendy’s house. As he pushed the pram along the cobbles, Danny allowed himself to focus on the task ahead. Albert or no Albert, he was going to give the Livermore fight all he had. His family deserved it. His future depended on it.
*
The next few months were busy. Danny tried to avoid the distraction of moving, leaving most of it to Wendy and her willing parents. His priority was to be fit and ready for the fight.
Lenny had kindly lent him a Ford Zodiac, and after a handful of lessons and a near-botched driving test, Danny was soon driving back and forwards to the gym. Patsy had Danny working well, and the occasional sighting of Albert at the Live and Let Live was not as awkward as it could have been.
It was true, though, that things with Albert were different. Albert never watched Danny train any more, and their conversation was little more than small talk. Albert would occasionally take Patsy aside and ask how Danny was doing, but that was the extent of his involvement. There was a chill between Danny and Albert now, although their relationship had not entirely frozen over.
On the other hand Costa and Cohen were getting closer to Danny every day. There were almost daily visits to check on progress. They brought sports writers to interview Danny, photographers to capture the boy, and food supplements to aid his concentration.
“Vitamins, are they?” said Patsy, examining the supplements one day.
“Only the best for our boy,” said Cohen.
“Whatever they are, they’re working,” said Patsy as they watched Danny pummel the pads with renewed aggression. “His stamina, strength and energy have all improved.”
“How’s his temper?” asked Costa, casually examining his fingernails. “Along with the benefits, these vitamins can sometimes get a fighter a little worked up.”
“Short,” said Patsy.
Cohen and Costa nodded as if they’d expected that.
“There’s always side effects,” said Cohen. “Worth it though, right?”
Patsy watched Danny work through his routine. “Worth it,” he agreed.
After each tough training session, Danny would climb in his borrowed Zodiac and drive home to his new house and family.
Wendy and her mum had performed miracles in Chigwell. Most of the moving boxes were now empty, and furniture was being delivered daily. Ruby loved being in the garden. The new house was starting to feel like home.
Danny loved the house. He felt a sense of achievement having put a roof over his family’s head. As for the sky-blue Zodiac, he especially loved the bench seat and the column gear change. It wasn’t a Porsche, but he did feel like one of his heroes, James Dean, as he motored from East London to leafy Essex. He had paid Lenny a deposit, and promised to pay the balance from the takings of the upcoming contest.
Things were good in Danny’s life. Patsy was pleased with his progress, and although Danny still missed Albert and his words of wisdom, there was a job to do and he had to be ready.
Days were peppered with the odd press interview and a lot of serious preparation for the big fight. Patsy and Danny had watched film footage of Livermore nearly every day, looking for a weakness, a soft underbelly, an opening that Danny could attack.
“He’s over-confident,” Patsy told Danny as they watched the footage. “Look, he drops his guard too much. He’s strong coming forward but not so secure in defence. Pushing him back will be a good option, I reckon.”
Cohen found a couple of new sparring partners for Danny, fighters that mirrored Livermore’s aggressive style. Danny found it useful, but was of course aware that the real thing would be a tougher nut to crack.
*
As the months passed, Danny and Patsy started to frequent Costa’s club in Soho. The good life was seductive, and without a firm date for the fight, it was easy to drift
into late nights and too much alcohol.
One night, Danny observed Costa roll up a five-pound note into a tight tube and sniff some white powder through it.
“What you doing?” he asked.
Costa pinched his nose. “Just a little pick-me-up,” he answered, smiling. “Here, try it.”
Danny took the note and copied Costa, sniffing the white powder. The buzz was almost immediate. He liked it.
“You got any more of that?” he asked.
Costa was more than happy to supply Danny with the cocaine whenever Danny asked. Danny started asking too often. Before long, Wendy and even Ruby had become second to Danny’s new lifestyle.
Arguments were becoming frequent events. Danny’s mood swings and short temper made him difficult to live with.
“You’ve changed so much,” a tearful Wendy said one night. “You hardly acknowledge Ruby when she calls you Daddy. You ignore me too. It’s like we’re not even here. What’s happening to you?”
Danny felt twitchy and ill. “What’s happening to you, you mean?” he bit back. “You ain’t the girl I married. All you care about is bloody Ruby.”
“So?” Wendy spat. “Don’t you think you should care about her too?”
Danny got up. “I don’t need this.”
But Wendy was in full flow. “It seems to me all you care about is going out all night,” she said, following him out of the room. “This is not working, Danny. I’ve had enough, you hear me? When you are here, it’s like you’re some-where else!”
“Maybe I should be somewhere else then!” Danny shouted.
Sensing the hostility, Ruby began crying, reaching out for her mother to pick her up.
“Now look what you done,” Wendy said as she picked up Ruby and tried to comfort her.
As Danny looked at the tears rolling down Wendy and Ruby’s faces, he felt nothing.
Wendy seemed to flinch as she looked into Danny’s eyes. Lowering her voice so as not to upset the already distraught Ruby, she delivered an ultimatum.
“You’ve got to change, Danny,” she said.
“Bollocks,” said Danny irritably. “What do I need to change for?”
Wendy wiped the tears from her and Ruby’s eyes. “You’re not the man I married either,” she said. “You’re someone else, someone I don’t know.” She took a deep breath. “I think you need to leave.”
Danny saw red.
“Good idea,” he yelled. “What a fuckin’ good idea.”
Ruby started crying again like her little heart was broken. Danny ignored her. He went up to the bedroom, stuffed some clothes and belongings into his bag, snatched up his coat and car keys and walked out the door. He felt nothing but blind rage. Not an inkling of remorse or sadness. Nothing at all.
*
Danny was suffering cold sweats the whole way to London. Pulling his vitamins out of the glove box, he knocked back a couple of pills and wondered where to go. He thought about Rosie’s place, but decided to drive to Costa’s instead. Costa had a flat above the club. Perhaps he could stay there. Good life downstairs, cocaine on tap.
At the club, Costa was holding auditions. Twitching by the bar, Danny watched the scantily dressed girls parade up and down. Costa’s preference would have been a parade of scantily dressed young men, but he had his mainly male clientele to consider.
“All right, Tommy,” Danny said during a break in proceedings. “Do you reckon I could stay in your flat for a while?”
“Why?”
Danny wiped his nose. “Me and Wendy have broken up. I need somewhere to stay till I get myself together.”
Costa put his arm round Danny. “Of course you can, son,” he said. “You’re one of the family.”
*
Months passed. There was still no fixed date for the fight, and training sessions were becoming less frequent. Danny made many excuses, and Patsy grew tired of hounding him. Danny was living in a different world now, physically and mentally. The drugs and the nightlife engulfed him. The focus on his boxing career became almost non-existent.
Patsy had told Albert about Danny and Wendy’s break-up months earlier. Albert’s first thoughts had been with the little girl.
“What about Ruby? Idiot, what’s the matter with him?”
“I don’t know, Albert,” Patsy admitted.
Albert felt heavy-hearted. “Do you think this fight with Livermore is ever going to happen?”
Patsy grunted. “They’re certainly taking their time about it.”
Albert felt more worried than ever. “How’s he training? I haven’t seen him for a while.”
“Not so good. He’s finding it hard with no date fixed for the fight.”
Albert sighed. “Say hello to him, will ya?” he said. “It must be tough, not knowing. Like you’re in limbo.”
*
Wendy and Ruby were making the best of things. Wendy’s parents were a godsend, doing their very best to soften the heartache. Mr Bristow helped Wendy with money and Mrs Bristow gave her time.
Months went by without any contact from Danny. He even missed Ruby’s second birthday. Wendy did all she could to put Danny out of her mind, but it wasn’t easy, especially when Ruby said “Daddy” and pointed to their wedding photograph.
Wendy had thought about putting the photo away, but decided that would be putting away the good times they’d had. So she left it there, sitting on the shelf, reminding her every day of what they’d lost.
She felt like her life was sitting on the shelf beside the photograph. Ruby filled much of her time and much of the space left in her heart, but at night the heartache would come and almost overwhelm her.
*
Danny seemed lost in his twilight world of drugs, drink and late nights. Cohen was the first to notice.
“The boy won’t be worth nothing if he carries on the way he is,” he warned Costa one night.
Costa shrugged. “He’s a young fella, he’s just having a good time.”
*
Danny was not having a good time. His moods swung like a pendulum, and he suffered acute fatigue that only the cocaine and his vitamins seem to cure. Costa had made a few advances, suggesting drugs for sex, but Danny managed to keep his distance.
Through the dark times, Danny’s past life would come to him in flashes. Wendy, Ruby, Albert. Whenever this happened, he would steer his thoughts to drugs, numbing any remorse or pain. To wallow in a stupor was better than facing the truth.
*
One afternoon, as Danny lay in bed with his usual pounding headache, there was a loud knock.
“Danny?” said Cohen through the door. “It’s Jack. You in there?”
Danny tried to get his mind in gear. He stumbled from the bed and opened the flat door.
Cohen looked at him. “Look at the state of you,” he said. “Tommy was supposed to keep an eye, but here you are like a deadbeat. What’s the matter with you?”
Danny muttered something about being tired. Cohen cut through his stammering.
“I’ve got some news about the fight,” he said.
“Yeah?” was all that Danny could muster.
Cohen prodded him in the chest. “The fight is in two months. You better sort yourself out, you’re in a fuckin’ state.”
Marching over to the bedside table, Cohen grabbed Danny’s cocaine stash and threw it out the window. Danny ran to the window, but it was too late.
“Sort yourself out!” shouted Cohen, and slammed the door behind him.
Danny went into panic mode, his heart beating like a drum. This jolt from the real world was a shock. He could only think about one thing.
He needed to get to Patsy.
He dressed and washed and went to his car, full of cold shivers, hot sweats and blurred vision. He took a couple of vitamins to ease the symptoms as he drove East. Making it to the Live and Let Live, he parked erratically by the side of the road and went in.
Albert was getting things ready for opening time.
“Danny! Where yo
u been? Blimey, it’s been ages! How are you? How’s Ruby? She must be a handful, growing up fast I bet.”
Danny leant against the bar. He felt completely exhausted. “Dunno,” he said. “I ain’t seen her.”
“Since when?” said Albert.
“Dunno. A year maybe? Get us a drink, will you Albert? I got a pain in my head today like a fuckin’ hammer.”
*
For a moment, Albert was too shocked to respond. Patsy had told him Danny and Wendy had split up, but he’d never expected that Danny would abandon his daughter.
“I was sorry about you and Wendy splitting up,” he said.
“These things happen,” Danny said. “Where’s Patsy?”
“Not here yet, should turn up soon.”
“Where’s that drink?” Danny asked.
Albert pulled himself together. “Do you want an orange juice or something?”
Danny shook his head. “Jack Daniel’s.”
“I don’t think so,” said Albert. “You’re training, ain’t you?”
Danny slammed his hands on the bar. “Who are you to tell me what to do?”
Albert noticed Danny’s hands were shaking and he was sweating.
“You all right, Danny?” he asked.
Danny shook his head like he had water in his ears. “If you ain’t serving, I’ll wait upstairs.”
Albert watched Danny go. The boy was a different person. Patsy had not said that Danny had changed so much. Then again, Albert remembered that Patsy hadn’t seen him for a few months.
He was deeply concerned. He wanted to help put back the sparkle in Danny’s dead eyes. But how?
Entering the empty boxing gym was like opening a door to memories. Danny sat at the ringside, shaking and thinking. He regretted talking to Albert the way he had, but it was too late now. How was Patsy going react to the order of “all systems go” from Cohen? Patsy knew full well that Danny was out of shape and struggling.
“Albert said you were here,” said Patsy, regarding him from the door of the gym.
Danny rubbed his eyes. “Cohen’s fixed the Livermore fight for a couple of months’ time.”
