Ella didn’t think so anyway, she wriggled around and had a stretch, at least that’s what it felt like, and I paused mid-sip enjoying the sensation. I was feeling her moving around everyday now, usually at about mid-day and again sometimes late at night, so she was right on cue. I took Rob’s hand and held it on my bump. As if prearranged she obligingly pushed a foot against me, or it might have been a hand, anyway the look on Rob’s face as he felt her move was one of absolute wonder, and I smiled as if it was all my doing and look at how clever I was.
We stayed very still with Rob’s hand resting on my bump, looking like we were playing a weird game of statues, both smiling our heads off for almost ten minutes, and then she got tired and went back to sleep.
‘It’s amazing to think . . .’
‘Isn’t it.’
‘Can you feel that all the time?’
‘No not all the time, just a couple of times a day usually.’
‘Amazing. Does it hurt?’
‘No it doesn’t hurt at all.’
‘What d’you think she’s doing in there?’
‘Just stretching probably.’
‘Amazing.’
We sipped our wine and I snuggled into the crook of his arm.
‘Are you looking forward to it?’ Rob asked not looking at me and deep in thought.
‘The birth you mean? Yes . . sort of. I’m looking forward to having Ella and being able to hold her, but I’m not looking forward to the actual labour bit, not at all.’
‘No I guess that’ll be pretty painful.’
‘I’m trying not to think about it too much.’
‘I’m sure it’ll be alright, I mean women have babies all the time don’t they, so it can’t be that bad.’
‘Only a man would say that.’
‘No think about it, loads of women go on and have another one, or two, or more maybe. So it can’t be . . .’
‘Can we change the subject?’
‘I’m sure it’ll be alright Judy. I can understand you being worried, a bit scared even, but really it can’t . .’
‘A bit scared! Tell you what next time you’re having a baby let’s see if you think it’s not that bad, and how ‘alright’ it is.’ I said breaking away from him.
‘I was just trying to help, you know to stop you worrying too much.’
‘Well . . I am, and trust me you would be too if it was you.’
‘Yeah I guess so.’
‘I know so. Can we please change the subject now? I really don’t want to think about all that, not today.’
‘Okay. Sorry.’
‘Okay then.’ I said and snuggled back into his embrace.
‘I had an idea last night.’ Rob said holding me tightly with his chin resting on the top of my head.
‘Mm hmm.’ I answered distractedly, more in tune with the feel of him rather than anything he was saying.
‘Yeah. You know I have to go and do this seaside shoot, well I remembered you said you liked the seaside in winter and . .’
‘You remembered that?’
‘Yes of course, you told me that night . . well we both said we liked it didn’t we, anyway I wondered if . . . .’ and he trailed off without finishing his sentence.
I pulled away slightly so I could see his face. ‘If?’ I said.
‘Well if you’d like to go with me, I mean if you want to.’
‘I’d love to spend a day at the seaside. Which one, where?’
‘The thing is I’ll probably have to stay over, they want at least one shot of a sunrise over the sea, you know the sort of thing, and well . . that’ll mean I have to be there at whatever o’clock in the morning and . .’
‘You want me to stay over with you?’
I straight away went into meltdown. My face didn’t register the pandemonium I was feeling, at least I tried not to let it show, but inside my head the remaining brain cell was bouncing around like an oversized ball bearing in a pinball machine. I mean of course I wanted to go it sounded fantastic. I’d be with Rob, and we’d be together all night, and he’d asked me to be there when he was away working and that sort of implied he was ‘serious’ right? I pictured a late night walk along the beach hand in hand, and helping him get just the right shot at dawn the next day, and . . oh I don’t know a million and one things all mega romantic and about as ‘serious’ as you could get.
Course on the other hand would that mean sex? That question I kept avoiding was now staring me in the face. Obviously I fancied him like mad and was more than up for it, but how would Rob feel making love to a pregnant woman and seeing my bump in all its glory. And how would I feel seeing Rob seeing my bump. And last but by no means least could I actually do it, you know actually have sex given my largeness.
Of course on the other, other hand, did he mean staying over as in sex, or did he mean staying over as in separate rooms and he hadn’t even thought about sex?
‘Is that . . okay. I mean if you’d rather not I understand, I just thought . .’ Rob stumbled over his words.
‘Would it be . . um . . would we . .’ I couldn’t say it, I didn’t know how to phrase it and couldn’t bring myself to just blurt out does that mean sex or not.
‘If you want we could have separate rooms.’ He said looking me straight in the eye, and somehow in that moment I knew that wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted us to share a room, share a bed, have sex.
‘I . . won’t that be expensive having two rooms.’ My pinball brain cell was now bouncing back and forth between two buffers, ding, ding, with all the lights flashing and everything. And won’t that be expensive I’d said, of all the naff stupid remarks to make that had to be the naffist.
‘Is that what you’re worried about, the expense?’
‘It’s just that . .’
He bent his head and kissed me long and hard. It was the perfect antidote to the foot in the mouth disease I was suffering from and effectively put a stop to me making any more of a fool of myself. He tenderly stroked my face while we gazed into each other’s eyes. It was pretty obvious then that we both knew what we were really talking about, and it wasn’t whether he could afford to pay for an extra room.
‘I think I’m falling in love with you Judy.’
‘I think I’ve already fallen in love with you.’ I said hardly daring to breath.
‘Come on.’ He said taking my hand and pulling me towards the bedroom.
‘But . . but . . I’m having a baby?’
‘I know. I’ll be careful. Come on.’ He reached over and turned the oven off, while I panicked at the thought of the old lady oversized bra I was wearing and what he’d think.
He led me into the bedroom, and suffice it to say that my pinball score went into the billions beating all previous scores by a mile.
34
1st January – Week 31
It was new years day and my new year’s present from Ella was my belly button popped, I don’t mean burst open or anything gross like that, what I mean is I’d always been an inny and now I was an outy. The whole stretched stomach thing had reached its ultimate capacity, at least I hoped it was the ultimate, and there wasn’t even enough room left in there to accommodate an inny belly button.
Not only was my belly button doing weird things but I had a thin white line down the centre of my stomach that I know wasn’t there before. I consulted both baby bibles. One didn’t mention anything about lines appearing, but the other one said a lot of women get it, apparently it didn’t signify anything in particular and wasn’t harmful or deadly or anything, it just happened. I had stopped looking too closely at my naked body months ago, ever since the whole nipple area changing colour thing had started happening. It was too depressing so I avoided it as much as I could and just kept my metaphorical fingers crossed that everything would magically go back to normal after Ella had been born.
Rob on the other hand was fascinated, in fact it was him that had first noticed. When he asked me about the white line I was mortified at first, but when i
t became obvious that he wasn’t put off in any way, he just had a sort of macabre interest in the whole thing, well it seemed a bit macabre to me anyway, I relaxed a bit and even started to enjoy his absorption in the whole subject of my ever changing body.
It had only been a week, one short week since we’d first had sex, but those six days had been intense. For one thing neither of us were working so it had been six actual whole days, and nights, and we’d spent practically every minute of them together. He’d spent hardly any time at all downstairs, only to get clean clothes, not that we’d got dressed much if you know what I mean, so he didn’t really need clean clothes. It felt like he’d moved in and I loved it, every minute of it. We’d talked and talked into the early hours almost every night, made love, fallen asleep and made love again when we woke up. We’d had showers together, cooked dinner together or phoned for a takeaway, watched cheesy Christmas films together, and talked some more. It was bliss, and my mind went back to when he’d first told me he was looking for a place of his own and I’d considered offering to let him stay with me rent free with all the sex he could handle. I almost told him about it, but it was still all a bit new, the me and him thing, and I thought it better to wait until we’d been together a while longer.
Today was our last day before I had to go back to work and Rob had to phone round to see if he could get some more photography commissions. Apart from the seaside job the weekend after next he had nothing lined up until mid March, and that was only a one day maybe that might not even come off.
Neither of us had said anything about the future. I’d carefully avoided the subject knowing how skittish some guys are about any sort of long term commitment, and even though I’d gotten to know Rob quite well in a lot of ways, I still wasn’t a hundred percent sure about whether he saw us as a long term thing or not. I mean it wasn’t just about me and him was it, there was a baby to consider. I knew he was okay about me having a baby, more than okay he was happy about it, but did that mean he was okay about having one as a permanent fixture. Or having a girlfriend as a permanent fixture come to that. Anyway to be on the safe side I made sure I didn’t say anything that might lead him to think I was thinking in terms of years rather than weeks or months.
Then he said he really should try and get some more work, and the sooner the better, that we’d need the money if I wasn’t going to be working for much longer, that someone had to be able to provide the nappies and baby milk. So then I knew, well I had hope that he wasn’t thinking in weeks, he was thinking long term, at least I was almost sure he was.
‘And I should probably get on with the decorating.’ He said while we were still sat in bed, lingering over a late breakfast that he’d made us both earlier. Since finishing the living room what with one thing and another he’d never got round to painting the bedroom. ‘Maybe we should do Ella’s room next?’
‘Maybe, not today though eh, it’s our last day together. I have to be back at work tomorrow.’ I said as I snuggled up to him and he kissed the top of my head.
‘Okay boss. No decorating today. But tomorrow while you’re slaving over a hot computer all day, I’m going to give this room its first coat at least. And you need to start thinking about how you want to do Ella’s room.’
‘I already know. It’s going to be pink of course, a very pale pink, and maybe have a border, you know like those ones we saw when we were getting the paint, with all the teddy’s on, or maybe the one with the fairies, that was kind of cute.’
All these home making plans gave me a warm glow inside. Who’d have thought this time last year, back in the days when I had no-one to worry about but myself and I was determinedly anti-relationships of any kind, that this time this year I’d be on the verge of having a baby and be pleased about it, even looking forward to it, and that I’d be seriously considering a very definite relationship with someone. No not considering, I’d considered already and was totally committed to the idea.
‘Do you want to go and choose it today?’ Rob said.
‘No not today, anyway every where’s closed isn’t it? Let’s go on Saturday.’
‘Okay. So if we’re not decorating and we’re not buying supplies what are we doing today? Let me think, what could two people with nothing to do and nowhere to go specially do? Mm . . .’ Rob said sliding down under the covers and pulling me with him. ‘Bit of a no brainer really’ he added grinning wickedly.
I struggled to sit up again and laughing said ‘I need to shower and wash my hair’.
‘Your hair looks great.’ He said pulling me back down.
‘Tempting as your offer is, and I might take you up on it later, I really need to shower.’
‘Might?’ He said releasing me.
‘Maybe, who knows? If you play your cards right I could possibly be persuaded.’ I said all flirty.
‘You know I cheat.’
‘Cheat?’
‘At cards. I cheat. So there’s no maybe or might about it, you and I will be back here sometime later today to finish what we almost started, guaranteed.’
‘I love it when you get all masterful’ I said grinning as I got up. ‘Makes my knees turn to jelly and the hairs on the back of my head tingle.’
‘Well why didn’t you say that before. Okay get back here now, right now.’ He joked bossily.
‘Later. I’m having a shower.’ I said laughing.
‘Damm I knew it was too good to be true, a woman who liked being told what to do.’
‘Later, you can tell me what to do later.’
‘Promise?’
‘Cross my heart.’
I went to the bathroom and Rob laid in bed day dreaming about exactly what he was going to be telling me to do later. As I turned on the shower he shouted through to me ‘I’m considering whipped cream, lots of whipped cream, have we got any?’
‘Pervert.’ I shouted back, to which he laughed.
As I stood under the cascading water soaping myself I mused over how amazingly wonderful everything was, and how just when you thought there was no such thing as ‘the one’ there he was. Rob was definitely my one.
I washed my hair and was lingering longer than I really needed to under the water rinsing out the shampoo, luxuriating in the sensation. Suddenly my body wasn’t so gross, it was big alright but since Rob I felt alive, sensuous, sexy even.
‘I’m just going downstairs to see Mac and Marsha, let them know I’m still alive, I think Mac goes back tomorrow morning so I want to see him before he goes.’ Rob shouted through to me.
‘Okay.’ I shouted back.
I reluctantly turned the water off and grabbed a towel wrapping it round myself as I walked back into the bedroom. I towel dried my hair and combed it through, then rubbed the anti stretch mark lotion all over my bump that I’d bought and had been applying every day since the end of the summer, so far it didn’t seem to be working at all, but I contented myself with the thought of how much worse it might have been if I hadn’t been applying it. I sat down on the edge of the bed and dried between my toes, an area that was becoming more and more difficult to reach as each week passed, I pulled on some pants, wrestled into my old ladies bra and looked at myself in the mirror. Rob must be out of his mind if he fancied me looking like this I thought, maybe he was, maybe I’d nabbed myself a weirdo of the first order. But I didn’t care, I loved this weirdo.
As I heard Rob returning from downstairs I pulled on a pair of jeans and grabbed his sweatshirt that he’d left on the bed, and was huge enough to completely cover my bump.
‘How is everyone down there?’ I shouted out to him.
‘Everyone down where?’ My mother shouted back.
Oh hellfire and damnation, just when everything was just about perfect my mother has to turn up and ruin it.
‘Mum.’ I said coming out of the bedroom. ‘I didn’t know you were coming today.’
‘Everyone down where?’ She asked again.
‘I thought you were Rob.’
‘He’s here then
. I was beginning to think he didn’t exist.’
‘Course he exists. He’s gone downstairs to see his sister. I thought you were him.’
‘How are things?’ She said surveying the room that was to say the least, looking as if . . well I believe the polite term is lived in, and no doubt preparing herself for this visits housekeeping lecture.
‘Things are fine. I thought it was next weekend you were coming?’
‘Surely I can drop in to see my daughter without a special invite can’t I?’
‘Course you can I just meant . . is everything alright Mum?’
‘Everything’s fine’ she said looking decidedly un-fine. ‘Well aren’t you going to put the kettle on and make some tea? And what on earth are you wearing?’
‘It’s one of Rob’s old sweatshirts.’ I said walking through to the kitchen that was even more ‘lived in’ than the living room.
She followed me out to the kitchen. Something was definitely up. She’d been here two minutes already and hadn’t even mentioned the mess everywhere, and I know she’d noticed it, she always notices everything. I filled the kettle and flicked it on, then made a start on washing up last night’s dinner things that were stacked up in the sink.
‘So how’s your father?’ She asked casually. But I wasn’t fooled she was never casual when it came to Dad, so whatever it was had something to do with him.
‘Dad’s okay, he was when I saw him on Christmas day anyway. Why has something happened?’
‘Yes something’s happened. He’s been seeing someone else that’s what’s happened.’
‘Oh.’ I concentrated on the job in hand and didn’t dare look at her.
‘You knew? Why didn’t you tell me?’ She said indignantly.
‘I . . it was . . well I didn’t know exactly . . I sort of guessed.’
‘You should have said something. I was mortified when Jean next door said she’d seen him and that Stella Frankham in Starbucks on the weekend sharing a slice of apple cake, and making a complete fool of himself by the sound of it. Apparently he was all over her, so Jean said.’
‘Oh . . well I suppose . .’
39 Weeks Page 25
