by J. S. Lynn
That is, except Jeff. As Caroline’s older brother, he knew what she was like. I remember one time, we both carried Caroline home when she was passed out. It was at a party that one of Jeff’s friends had thrown. I agreed to go, even though I was a little nervous about going to a party where I didn’t know any of the people from my school. I had been talking to other guests and lost track of Caroline. Jeff and I both had to search for her, looking from room to room in the house. We finally found her asleep in a bed after hooking up with some guy she met who was in college. Luckily, nothing bad happened, but I was angry with her as I carried her home.
“Wow,” Jeff said when he looked at me. “What did you do to her?” I was wearing the bright pink dress Caroline gave me and a pair of her high heeled shoes. I had straightened my coarse, wavy hair to be straight and smooth and I had agreed to let Caroline do my makeup which she did vibrantly with bright blue eyeshadow and hot pink lipstick. “You have to stand out,” she told me. “I want you to shine right next to me.” I had put on a few sprays of Caroline’s fancy perfume and even let her do my nails a matching pink.
Caroline had decided to wear an elegant black and red dress. It had a deep red color and was strapless, showing off her skinny body. It was black in certain parts and red in others. It had a sort of new and modern style. She told me that she had picked it up at a boutique in New York. “It was quite expensive,” she told me. “I was going to wear it out, but I decided to save it for my birthday. It is something special.” I liked the dress, but it was definitely Caroline’s style. She had on strappy black heels and held a matching black clutch.
“Do to me?” I said. “Do I look bad?” I asked cautiously.
Jeff stood at me for a few minutes. His eyes lit up and he looked over me from head to toe. “No. No, it’s not bad. I’m just not used to you looking dressed up like that,” he said. “You absolutely stand out.” He smiled at me.
I caught my reflection in the mirror. The more I saw the dress and the way it showed off my curvy body, the more I liked. The necklace looked glamorous and just the right amount of jewelry against my chest.
“Oh, we’re going to have so much fun. It will be just like old times,” Caroline squealed. I smiled at her. I was sure that I wouldn’t be let down.
*****
At around seven, people started showing up at Caroline’s house. Caroline had had parties at this house before and her parents even knew she liked to party. Lots of people started coming though the door. Most were people I didn’t really know. I wondered who Caroline invited and how she knew so many people that I didn’t know at all.
The music started playing. People were dancing and drinking. I walked around, pacing the house. Caroline was in the center of the living room, talking to several people. Many people knew it was her birthday. Well, at least some people knew. Caroline took her spot, in the center of attention. She looked to be having a great time drinking, laughing, and dancing.
I knew that I was supposed to be having fun, but I couldn’t help but keep the eye on her place. There were people I had never seen before. We had invited people we both knew from high school, but most of these people were strangers touching Caroline’s stuff. I checked each room, yelling at people who were touching things they shouldn’t and making sure everything went okay.
I saw one of my friends from high school who Caroline and I both knew. Her name was Georgia. She had wavy, blonde hair. Even though I didn’t know her as well as Caroline did, I was relieved to see her. “Oh, Georgia, hi!” I said.
She squealed when she saw me. “Betsy? Is that you? Oh my, I haven’t seen you since high school.”
She had a beer in her hand and was a bit tipsy. “Yes, it’s me. How have you been?” I said. I was happy to see someone I knew. I went over and talked to her for a little bit. “What a party,” I said. “It is getting a bit wild.”
“You know Caroline,” Georgia said. I remember going to prom with a group of our friends and Georgia being there. Caroline and Georgia had been in a school play together and knew each other pretty well. Georgia loved to act and you could tell it was her passion. I also remembered that she loved to gossip about people in school.
“Georgia!” Caroline said, coming over to us. “Hi, I knew you would make it!” Georgia was the only one of our friends I saw from our high school so far. Caroline and Georgia started talking. Caroline was definitely getting drunk. She had a few guys with her and Brian was standing with her as well. They were all laughing and having fun and I couldn’t help it, I felt like I was missing out on something.
I started talking to Brian while Caroline and Georgia were talking. “Fun party,” I said.
“I guess,” Brian said. He was looking around and didn’t seem interested in me. He didn’t seem to like me that much.
“Is Jeff with you?”
“I don’t know where he is. He seems to have run off,” he said laughing.
I went over to Caroline. There were some people tossing some of her stuff around. “You want to make sure some of these people leave,” I said to Caroline. “I don’t know if you want this party to get out of control. We don’t want to get in trouble.”
“It’s fine,” Caroline said. “It’s my birthday, its fine. They will leave eventually.”
I rolled my eyes. “And don’t drink too much,” I said, noticing she was starting to get wasted and it was still pretty early in the night.
“You need to loosen up,” she said. “You are too stiff! You are always like this, too serious. You need to have more fun!” I was taken aback by her comment. Was that what she thought of me? She never told me that before. We always had fun together.
“I am not serious,” I said, starting to yell. “I am just being realistic. You don’t want your party to end badly do you?”
Caroline gave me a look and didn’t say anything to me. “You worry too much,” she said. “Take a drink.”
I didn’t have to drive Caroline home tonight, so what was the difference if I had a drink or two? I held a plastic red cup with beer in it and started drinking it. Whatever, I thought. Maybe I do need to loosen up and have fun. I started to loosen up as the alcohol started to hit me. I started to dance with Caroline and her friends. Caroline sang along to the song, her voice loud and in charge.
Brian was dancing too, with some girl, I noticed. She was laughing and they looked like they were having a good time. Brian was dirty dancing and a few girls were with him. I was kind of surprised to see Brian dance like that. Is that what he liked to do? Dance like that?
Not far away I saw Jeff. He was also doing the same thing, dancing with other girls. They acted like they didn’t know each other. He glanced over at me and stared at me as he was dancing with another girl. He had deep hazel eyes and an innocent face. It was a face that was familiar, somebody who was always nice to me and a friend.
He went over to me, looking at a bit worried. “Is Caroline okay? You know how she gets,” he laughed. Caroline was dancing with a guy and looked like she having the time of her life. She didn’t even notice I was in the room.
“She’s the birthday girl,” I said.
I looked over at Caroline, throwing her head back and laughing. An actress in New York City. A party girl here. What did she need me for? She looked like she knew all these people. Wherever she went, she stood out. She was like a shining star. “Caroline,” I said, waving at her. She didn’t see me until I called out twice. Finally she waved at me and went back to talking and dancing with that guy. The music drowned me out.
“I am just worried this party will get out of control. I am just going to go downstairs and check on things,” I yelled out to her.
Jeff looked at my worried face. “It will be okay,” he said and smiled. He touched my shoulder for a second and after a few moments, he let go. “I will come with you.”
“Okay, whatever” I said. We exited the crowd together. The music started to soften as we went out of the living room. I glanced around for people I knew,
but didn’t seem to know anyone. I noticed a lot of people were going down in the basement. Some people were going upstairs. I went down in the basement and just looked at the people from the stairs. Jeff was behind me. There were more people dancing and having fun. Some people were making out. It looked like a mix between a high school and college party. A lot of people were yelling. “Everybody needs to leave by midnight,” I yelled out at the crowd.
Some people looked up at me. Nobody seemed to care that much about what I said and Jeff just laughed as he stood behind me. “By midnight, everyone leaves” he yelled out, echoing what I said. I don’t know if he made a difference, but more people looked up at us. He went downstairs.
Maybe I do need to loosen up. I took another drink. My eyesight was starting to get hazy and I let out a laugh. “You like this song Jeff?” I asked. He smiled at me. I took both his hands and we started dancing together in the basement. For a second, I forgot about everything - trying to watch Caroline and my worries. I just danced during the three minutes of the song with Jeff. He seemed to be in to it too. Even though he was Caroline’s brother, I had never danced with him or really seen him outside of hanging out with Caroline. Had we ever been alone together? I remembered one time…
*****
Last summer, when I came home from school to stay with my parents during the summer, Caroline and I had spent a lot of time together. We caught up on stories from college and told each other all the things we had missed. Caroline had tons of stories of course, from funny strangers in New York, events she went to, fancy parties, and celebrities she had spotted. She told me about auditions she went to and acting classes she had taken. She had been in a couple of plays, but she was mostly trying to perfect her acting. She wanted to be a movie or TV star, of course, and wanted to make it big time. “No matter what I do,” she told me. “I love to be in the spotlight. A model or an actress, this is my time to shine.”
That was one of things I always liked about Caroline, her take charge attitude. She was fearless and brave. On one Friday during the summer, she showed up at my house and told me that we were staying overnight in a beach house about an hour away. “Pack up,” she said. “We are going to have a great weekend.”
I threw an overnight bag together with my swimsuit, some sunscreen, and clothes. We headed out to the car. Brian was in the driver’s seat with Jeff in the passenger seat next to him. Caroline and I headed for the backseat. “It is August,” she told me, the hot sun blaring down at the car. “We haven’t even been to the beach this summer so I decided we need to have a small beach party.”
The beach was about an hour away. We stayed at a resort with a nice beach house. That weekend was a good memory for me. We went to the beach and played volleyball and then went swimming in the deep water, cooling us down from the summer heat. At the end of the night, we lit a campfire and told stories. As Brian and Jeff went back to the beach house later on, Caroline and I stayed watching the campfire die, telling stories of college. I laid on the cold sand and watched the stars above us, hearing the waves crashing in the background.
Caroline told me that she was going back inside to the beach house. “I have to shower before tomorrow,” she said. I usually would go back with Caroline, but I felt so relaxed and at peace that I never wanted to leave that spot. “I will head back in just a couple minutes,” I told her. “I’m just going to make sure the fire dies safely.”
“Alright,” she said and headed back. I lay on the sand and closed my eyes. I could felt a light breeze against me. The water and the waves making a sound in the background, giving me a feeling of peace. When I opened my eyes, I saw the stars twinkling above me and could hear noises in the background. At first, I thought it was an animal and jolted up, a little shocked. I could feel my heart stop.
It was just Jeff though, Caroline’s older brother. He was picking up his wallet on the ground. It seemed that he left his wallet and keys by the campfire. “You out here all alone?” he asked. The sky turned a deep black. It must have been starting to get late. No one was out on the beach but us.
“Yeah,” I said looking at Jeff. “It is just so peaceful to look at the stars and listen to the waves.”
Jeff sat down next to me, the fire glowing between us, sending smoke up to the stars. He looked at the waves and we listened to them together for a few moments, just enjoying the scenery. It just felt so natural to sit next to him. “It is peaceful,” he agreed after a few minutes. “The beach is one of the best spots to be isn’t it?”
I smiled at him. “Definitely. There is nothing like the beach at night.”
“Ever go swimming in the water?” he said. “I bet it gets colder at night.”
Swimming in the water at night at the beach? I had never done it. It sounded dangerous. Was the water colder? Was it safe to swim at night? I had on a tank top over my polka dot bikini top. I had my swimming bottoms on. I thought of what it might be like to swim at night on the beach. Were there sharks in the water? What if you got lost in the water at night and drowned?
Before I could think of any more excuses, Jeff got up and took of his top. He put his shirt down, folding his wallet in to it. He kicked off his sandals, touching his bare feet to the sand. Before I knew it, he was walking towards the water, the fire still burning. “Wait, Jeff what are you doing?” I yelled.
I watched his body fade as he jumped into the waves. I could hear his body against the water and watched as dived into the ocean and came up for air. His body had a kind of glow with the stars in the background. The moonlight danced against the water. It was the perfect temperature out, not hot like it was in the daytime, but just the right amount of cool air in the hot August months in summer.
I looked behind me. No one was there. It was empty on the beach at night. Without thinking too much, I lifted my shirt off and ran down against the sand and into the water with Jeff. The cold waves hit my skin. I let my entire body go underwater. It felt good against my body. I came up for air, feeling the water drip off my dark hair and onto my back. I laughed and looked up at the stars. We swam together for a few minutes, Jeff going underwater, copying me. Not saying too much, we splashed in the water together.
I don’t know how long we were in the water together. But we went in the water together and then came out without saying anything. When we both came out of the water, we dried off and put our clothes back on silently.
We walked back to the beach house, stumbling in the deep sand. Jeff commented, “The water is not too cold at night. It was just right.”
We both tip toed inside, careful not to wake Caroline or Brian. Caroline was sleeping on one bed, the one I shared with her. Brian were sleeping in the other, the one he shared with Jeff. We went inside quietly, trying not to wake anyone up. Caroline had showered while I was out and her wet hair hung against her head as she slept. I looked at Jeff. He was creeping into bed and I did the same.
When the morning came, I didn’t speak again of that night. Jeff never said anything to me so I never said anything to him about it. When Caroline asked me if I got home okay last night, I just mumbled that I came in right after she left. I don’t know why I lied, but I just did. I didn’t know what she would think of Jeff and my swimming together at night. Was it something bad we did? Was it weird that I was hanging out with her brother when I always had just hung out with her? Caroline and I were a pair, we did everything together. Jeff and I were never alone, he was just Caroline’s older brother. I didn’t think I did anything wrong, but I wanted to keep this moment a secret for some reason. It was a private moment, something I did without Caroline, with another friend. It was a white lie and a moment I would keep just to myself.
*****
As the song ended, I could see Jeff was laughing and smiling. I liked dancing with him. If Caroline and I were friends, why couldn’t Jeff and I be friends too? We knew each other just as long and we had moments together. If Caroline and I danced together, so could Jeff and I. We danced again to another song.
/> Thinking of the time at the beach, I wonder if he remembered swimming together. Was it something special to him too? Was it just something I remembered? I didn’t know.
As the music played, I leaned over to him and whispered, “Remember how we swam in the ocean together?” I didn’t mean it to sound like I was seducing him, but there was something that seemed like I was flirting with him in my voice. I smiled at him and he looked at me, his eyes glowing brightly.
“How could I forget?” he said. “Our moment at the beach.”
Did he really remember? Did it mean something to him too? I knew he was gay. He was attracted to men. But there was something in me that was attracted to him. I mean, gay guys were supposed to be cuter than straight men, right? It was just one of those things. You wanted what you couldn’t have. I thought my friend’s gay brother was cute. It was just one of those crushes, right?
I looked at him, but couldn’t mouth the words I wanted to say. There was a blur of haze around me and I could feel the music pumping through me. The night all of a sudden seemed beautiful, all of the people around me, the powerful thumps of the music, dancing with Jeff. Caroline was having a good time and I could too. It was her birthday and I could have a good time without watching over everything making sure it was right.
*****
I can’t remember much after that. My memories are a blur. Hooking up with Jeff, that happened. I could remember his tongue down my throat, his lips against my shoulders. I remember him pulling down my dress a little, but nothing much more after that. I did not know exactly what happened. I didn’t think we went all the way. When I woke up, the shoulder of my pink dress was off and my shoes were off. I didn’t feel funny. I felt right, like I had wanted to be there. I had liked it, I knew that much. I remember being on top of him and whispering that I always thought he was attractive. I remember laughing with him. There was some memories of us talking together. What about, I couldn’t remember. I didn’t even remember walking upstairs.
