"How long were you there?"
"A night, part of a day." She looked at Ryland, who nodded, and Jesse thought she saw approval, maybe a little. Maybe she'd done okay and they were done.
"Then what?"
Jesse's heart sank. “Goddamn you, I told you what you wanted and I'm done!"
"Then what happened?" Ryland watched Jesse squeeze her eyes shut, fighting to hold in the tears. She motioned for Morgan to gently tap her knee because she needed those flood gates opened.
Morgan did what Ryland asked, and Jesse opened her eyes.
Ryland repeated. “Then what happened?"
Jesse covered her eyes, ashamed as one by one tears began falling down her face. “I got down. My arms are down and everything is black."
"How did you get down?"
"He—" He pounded the nail out from the other side. He pounded and laughed then pulled. Jesse stood as she watched the thin spikes slide through her wrists. Her stomach turned sour and she was afraid she'd be sick again. She reached up and pulled her hair, trying to stop the memories, trying to stop hearing Ryland.
"Sit down Jesse, and tell us what you see. You have to remember, then tell me what happened so we can put the memories in their proper place. That's why I keep asking you to describe what you're seeing. Each time you talk about what happened, your headaches will begin to be less painful, and eventually they'll go away completely."
What Ryland said made sense. She needed to stop the pain one way or the other. “He hit the nail out with a hammer, then...then jerked it out the rest of the way." She looked down on Ryland, wanting to be done. Ryland didn't move, and Jesse felt panic welling up from somewhere deep inside her chest. What's she waiting for? The nausea increased and she ground her teeth to keep from throwing up.
Ryland sat patiently, knowing there was more, but unsure what direction to go in. She thought maybe she'd back off a little and then move on. “After you were down, then what?"
Jesse relaxed slightly and sat back on the couch, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. Memories edged their way into her mind, slowly at first, then picking up speed. They weren’t clear and she was unsure how to bring them into focus. She sat in troubled silence, trying to see what was there.
Ryland watched her. “Tell me what’s happening.”
“They’re not clear. I see movement, but I don’t know what I’m seeing.” She pointed to her forehead, then looked to Ryland for help. “Here — you know, in my mind.” Ryland’s confident smile reassured her, made her feel Ryland knew what was happening even if she didn’t.
“Don’t worry, Jesse. That’s perfectly normal. The more we bring out the memories, the clearer they’ll become. For right now, instead of trying to see the memories, talk to me about whatever comes to mind—what the men are doing, the feelings that come up
—even if you don’t know why you’re feeling them.”
“I think they filled something…a long sock...with sand....
They hit me with it." The vise around her chest eased somewhat, allowing her to breathe and her stomach to settle as her mind opened and she began to remember.
"Once? Twice?"
Jesse shook her head. "No, in shifts. I think one would hit me for a while, then another would take over. He'd told them to hit where it wouldn't do permanent damage...you know, not on my kidneys or my head. I was okay." Suddenly, the memories were so clear when they came, the faces in focus, the sounds exact. She watched as red splotches appeared on her skin and darkened as blood seeped into the tissues.
"Why are you rubbing your arms?"
The voice jerked her back to the present and she realized her arm wasn't really blood red, hadn't really swollen to twice its normal size. “I was afraid they were too swollen. I thought they'd explode if they hit them again."
Morgan listened and had to concentrate on not reacting. What else had been done to this woman? For the hundredth time, she wondered whether they were doing the right thing by forcing her to remember. Ryland projected the familiar aura of acceptance and confidence, so she sat back and kept her thoughts to herself.
"Did all of them enjoy hitting you?"
Morgan looked at Ryland again. What kind of a question was that?
"No."
"Tell me about the people who didn't enjoy it."
Jesse thought for a minute, then shook her head again. “No."
“Yes."
Jesse sat quietly, thinking. "Well, it wasn't people...it was one person, a man, but I don’t remember him."
Ryland nodded. She knew Jesse wouldn't purposely lie to her, and that was critical in trying to work through repressed memories.
"So there was a man who didn't like beating you. But he did it anyway?"
Jesse closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose trying to remember. "I don't know...he—" She stopped and shook her head.
Ryland was getting more and more comfortable with the cues.
There we go, Kiddo. “Open your eyes and tell me what you just saw."
"No. I didn't see anything."
"I said open your eyes." Instinct told her they were edging up to another critical memory, and Jesse needed to listen.
Ryland glanced at Morgan, who said, “Jess, open your eyes and answer the question."
Her eyes opened and she glared at Morgan, who didn't bat an eye. Jesse looked away, her face red. “When people were there, he'd hit me. When they weren't, he'd pretend to hit me. That's all...no big deal."
Ryland thought a minute. So what was the big deal? What couldn't you see? What didn't you want to see? "So he was a friend?"
Jesse stared at Ryland and slowly shook her head.
"What happened to your friend?"
"Nothing."
"What happened to your friend? Did they ever find out what he was doing?" Ryland watched Jesse blink twice, three times, then disappear.
"Shit!" She leaned forward and grabbed Morgan's shoulder.
“Her mind's shutting down. Grab her head. Make her look at you, Morg! Make her come out!"
Morgan heard the urgency in her friend's voice and quickly grabbed both sides of Jesse's face. "Jesse, look at me." When she didn't respond, she grabbed Jesse's hair and jarred her head. “Jesse, open your goddamn eyes and look at me!"
Jesse blinked and focused on Morgan's mouth. She knew she'd just heard something, but she wasn't sure what it was.
Ryland said, “Look in her eyes, Jess. Just look in her eyes and relax for a second." Ryland leaned on the arm of the chair and studied Jesse, who was staring desperately into Morgan's face.
Morgan let go and Jesse sat back and closed her eyes. Ryland spoke quietly. “I'm sorry, Sweetheart, but we have to finish this one while Morgan and I are with you. I can't have it come out while you're alone. Tell me what you saw."
Morgan worked on slowing her pounding heart and trying not to look as panicked as she felt. What almost happened? She searched Ryland's face for an answer. Ryland caught her eye and smiled reassuringly. Morgan turned to Jesse and waited to see what else she'd need to do to keep her from falling into oblivion. Jesse's eyes were closed, and Morgan felt Ryland's hand on her knee. She looked up, and Ryland mouthed, “She's okay. It's okay." Morgan nodded and took in a long, slow breath. She heard Ryland say again, “Tell me what you saw."
Jesse covered her eyes with a shaking hand. "They came in and he didn’t hear them. They saw what he was doing and—"
She stopped, as Ryland knew she would. "You're doing fine.
Now one more time, Jess, look at Morgan and let's all see what happened to your friend. Then we're done for today, I promise."
Jesse lowered her hand and looked at Ryland.
Morgan reached over, took Jesse's hand between hers and covered it. "I've got you, Jesse, and I'm not gonna let you go. I promise. I've got you, and I can bring you back and keep you safe."
When Jesse's gaze finally shifted from Ryland, Morgan waited as Jesse wiped sweat from her forehead and cheeks with her free hand.
/> "They...they pinned me down on the floor. They put a gun to his head, then forced—" Her throat hurt as she took in a strangled breath. “Then forced his head down onto my face and—" She squeezed her eyes shut to block the image exploding through her brain. “And they pulled the trigger!"
Morgan stared in horror as Jesse crumpled into a ball on the couch, sobbing. Her mind was absolutely blank as she reached down and pulled Jesse into her arms, holding her tightly, wondering whether she'd ever be able to let go.
Chapter Ten
Ryland decided to give everyone a break for the next few days. It had been five years since she'd seen her last patient, and she remembered now how draining therapy could be for everyone involved. This was the first time in forty years of practice she'd ever lived on the same property as her patient, and she wanted to move slowly while she felt her way into Jesse's head. She'd avoided the barn except for her morning rides with Morgan, giving Jesse a complete break from anything to do with therapy.
Morgan was out with one of the landowners clearing trails, and Ryland was ready to get out of the house and stretch. She'd ridden Barney that morning and her pocket was overflowing with carrots to thank him for a wonderful time. On the way down the path, she ran into Cody coming toward the house.
"Good Morning, Dr. Caldwell. I was just coming up to speak to you. Do you have a minute?"
Cody's angelic demeanor never fooled her. She knew a snake disguised as a wagging tail when she saw one. "Of course, Cody.
Can we talk on the way to the barn?"
Cody shook his head. “Actually, here would be better. I have a kind of dilemma, and I could use some advice."
Ryland walked over to her favorite bench. She loved the artistry of the metal work along the back, a fox sitting quietly in a field. She patted the spot next to her, inviting Cody to sit. "So, what's this dilemma?"
Cody sat, and did a fair imitation of a concerned young man.
“Well, it's about Jesse. She and I get along pretty well, and I don't want to get her in trouble or anything, but what she's doing is against Ms. Davis' rules and it's kind of dangerous."
Ryland wondered where he was going with this. His foot nervously tapped under the bench, and swirls of red dotted his face. “What exactly is she doing? And I think it would be more appropriate for you to talk to Ms. Davis about whatever concerns you might have."
He shifted on the bench, crossing his feet at the ankles. “Well, like I said, I know she's always in trouble with Ms. Davis, and I didn't want to get her in more trouble by ratting her out." He reached down, picked up a leaf and started tearing pieces off it, then dropping them back to the ground.
Ryland never had much patience with people trying to manipulate her. "Cody, stop dancing around what you want to say.
What do you think she's doing?"
He sighed dramatically. “Well, over the last few days, I've been finding cigarette butts behind the barn. There's no smoking anywhere on the farm, that's the rule. Today, I caught her back there smoking, and when she saw me, she asked me not to say anything, but I'm worried the barn might burn down or something."
There was no doubt in Ryland's mind he was lying, but if Morgan even thought Jesse might be smoking near the barn, she'd climb all over her first and ask questions later.
She rested her hand lightly on Cody's shoulder, giving the impression they were both on the same side. “You're right, that's definitely a problem. I think it would be a good idea if I spoke to Ms. Davis about it. That way we can keep you out of the middle."
Cody acted relieved. “I'd really appreciate that, Dr. Caldwell.
Thanks." Ryland watched as he headed back down the path to finish his work. There was a swagger in his step as he kicked through the leaves without even a passing glance at the beauty surrounding him.
Ryland stayed where she was, anxious now for Morgan to get home but worried about her reaction to Cody's "news." The wind played with the leaves around her feet. She brought the bag of carrots out of her pocket and absently played with the plastic as she walked the rest of the way to the barn.
The outdoor stalls were beautiful: silver pipe, painted and polished to perfection. Where an observer might expect dirt or spider webs in the corners, there was nothing but clean metal. Ten stalls lined this side of the barn, and she walked along them, quietly speaking to the horses and feeding each one a single carrot.
Barney, who occupied the stall closest to the front of the barn, paced in a circle waiting for her to return to feed him what was left in the bag. The carrots disappeared one by one, with Barney getting the lion's share and the rest of the horses straining to see whether he'd gotten more than they had. The empty bag went into her pocket and Barney snuffled around her jacket, searching for more. Ryland's watch beeped, and she started back for the house, thankful she had a little time to gather her thoughts before Morgan returned.
When Morgan did finally come in for dinner, sore muscles sent her straight for the couch to stretch out. Ryland bent down and kissed her forehead before handing her a glass of wine.
Morgan took a sip and grinned. “So, you want me to relax before you tell me something I'm not gonna want to hear. I can read you like a book too, you know."
Ryland laughed and lay down next to her with her hand resting on Morgan's stomach, her head pillowed on her shoulder.
"Shhh...just drink your wine and I'll pour you another glass when you're done."
"Uh oh. That bad, huh?" Morgan took another sip and put the glass on the coffee table. She wrapped Ryland in her arms and they lay quietly, enjoying each other's warmth. Occasionally, Morgan sipped her wine, not really wanting to break the mood. When she'd finished the last little bit in her glass, she kissed the top of Ryland's head. “Okay, I'm very relaxed and I have the woman I love in my arms. I know I don't want to hear this, but go ahead."
"Before I tell you, would you promise not to storm out of here with assault in your eyes?"
Morgan smiled again. “I promise."
Ryland eased into the subject, anticipating Morgan's reaction.
“Cody came to see me today. Morgan, I don't trust him; I've told you that before."
Morgan nodded.
"Well, he said he's been finding cigarette butts behind the barn, and this morning he caught Jesse smoking back there. I'm ninety-nine percent sure he's lying though." Morgan stiffened beneath her and her hands curled into fists, bunching up the shirt on Ryland's back in the process.
When Morgan took a deep breath and relaxed her hands, Ryland breathed easier. "I am so glad you always keep your promises; thank you."
"What if he's not lying? What if she's smoking to challenge me again? Ryland, that has to be a no second chance rule."
"Do you want me to go with you when you talk to her?"
Ryland pushed up off Morgan and let her swing into a sitting position.
Morgan put her head in her hands, thinking. "I need to search her room first, see if I find anything in there. It'd probably be better to have you with me so she can't accuse me of taking something—
not that she has anything to take."
Ryland nodded and they walked slowly to the barn together, neither of them anxious for a confrontation. The door to the barn was standing open, and they stepped inside. Morgan called out,
“Jesse?"
Jesse shouted down from the loft. “Yeah?"
Morgan quietly asked Ryland. “Why does she always have to push the envelope? I've told her when I call, she needs to come find me. What kind of employee shouts yeah to her boss?" She climbed the ladder and stood over Jesse. “Yeah? I don't think yeah is what you really meant to say."
Jesse, who'd just finished sweeping a pile of dirt into a dust pan, stood up and wiped sweat off her face with her shoulder.
"What? I'm trying to get this finished so I can feed. I don't have time to jump every time you call." She watched Morgan's face harden and realized now probably hadn't been a good time to push.
She shifted nervou
sly and waited for the explosion.
Morgan glared at her, silently counting to thirty to give herself time to calm down. The longer she was quiet, the more anxious Jesse became. Though she was unaware of the countdown, at twenty-two, Jesse said, “If you go down, I'll be right down after you."
Morgan didn't move, and neither did Jesse. Morgan finally broke the silence. “That's good, because at thirty, you were going down without the benefit of the ladder."
Jesse shifted. “Yeah, I figured that." She followed Morgan down and hesitated when she saw Ryland standing next to her apartment door, waiting.
Morgan pointed to her room. “Open the door; I need to look inside."
Jesse straightened up from wiping hay off her jeans. It was Morgan's farm, but the apartment belonged to her. "Why?"
Morgan's temper inched up another notch as she pulled out a set of keys, unlocked the door to the apartment and stepped inside.
Ryland watched the color rise in Jesse's cheeks as Morgan rummaged through her personal belongings. She stepped forward to forestall the disaster she knew was about to occur but before she could get to her, Jesse's temper flared red and she barged into the apartment, slamming the door open hard enough for the door knob to put a hole in the wall. "Get the fuck out of my room!"
Whatever control Morgan had managed to maintain over the last several weeks disintegrated as she turned and started for Jesse, who jammed her shoulder into Morgan's stomach and rammed her backward into the wall. Morgan had been in her share of fights, and she grabbed Jesse around the hips while she was still bent over, lifted her off her feet and slammed her to the floor face first, landing on top of her with all her weight. She put her knee in Jesse's back and pushed herself up while pushing down on the knee. She happened to glance up at Ryland, whose angry scowl was focused directly on her. "What?"
"This is her room, Morgan. A simple explanation wouldn't have killed you."
Morgan pushed herself to a standing position, pulled Jesse up by her shirt and wondered how she'd ever allowed Ryland to talk her into this mess. “I was searching your room because I heard you've been smoking near the barn. I'm looking for cigarettes."
The Door at the Top of the Stairs Page 7
