A nod.
"With your mind’s eye, I want you to follow what I say, okay?"
Adrenaline surged as panic gripped her and she pushed up to face Ryland. “Ryland… I don’t want to know! They’re filthy fucking rats! Please, I don’t want to know!” Ryland raised one eyebrow and leaned forward to emphasize her point. “We just discussed this, Jesse. What you want and what’s going to happen are two different things. You have no choice. You have to remember.”
Jesse’s jaw hurt as she clenched it to control the sobs that were threatening to erupt from deep inside her. She pushed to her knees, searching for a way to get away from Ryland.
Morgan moved over beside her. She touched Jesse’s shoulder and waited until she focused on her. When Jesse looked at her, Morgan put the palm of her hand on the younger woman’s cheek.
“You’re afraid, aren’t you?”
Jesse couldn’t answer; she just stared into Morgan’s eyes.
Morgan lowered her chin as she held Jesse’s gaze. “I’m not.” Morgan’s calm reassurance helped ease her panic. Jesse felt her stomach loosen and her breathing ease somewhat. When she’d gotten herself back under control, she took a deep breath, lay back onto her stomach and waited for Ryland with her head face-down on her hands.
Ryland reached up and ran her hand through her friend’s hair, amazed at how Morgan could come up with exactly what Jesse needed to pull herself together. Morgan shrugged, and Ryland had to smile at how pleased she looked with herself. Morgan moved back to where she’d previously been sitting, and Ryland turned to Jesse. "We’re going to start again Jesse. With your mind’s eye, I want you to follow what I say, okay?"
Jesse didn't move, so Ryland continued. “Look at your hands, then move down to your shoulders. When you're there, I need you to nod to let me know you've gotten to that part of your body."
Jesse nodded.
"Now move down to your back."
Another nod.
"Now down to your calves. Can you still move your legs?"
Jesse nodded and waited.
Ryland was missing something, and she studied Jesse as she lay on the grass. "Okay, Jess, go back up to your hands again and let me know when you're there."
Jesse thought about her hands and nodded slightly.
Ryland pictured Jesse's hands on the board. What am I missing? "Is anything happening with your head?" When Jesse's thoughts moved from her hands to her head, her breathing became labored and Ryland moved up and put her hand on her back. “Talk, Jesse...what's happening?"
Jesse shook her head and pushed into a sitting position. Her throat constricted and she gagged, her lips gradually turning purple, her lungs straining for breath. Ryland watched for a few seconds. “You can breathe...open your airway and breathe."
A few seconds turned into a minute, and when Ryland was sure Jesse was about to pass out, she slapped her hard across the face. Jesse was so shocked she stared at Ryland's hand, her breathing forgotten. Ryland moved back and looked at Morgan.
“Come over here." Morgan immediately slid closer to Jesse.
Ryland gave Jesse a moment to catch her breath. “Okay, Jesse, we're going to try this again, and I need you to talk to me. We're in my back yard, not in the room. You can breathe just fine. Tell me why you can move your legs but the rats are still able to get to them."
Jesse put her hand to her cheek. “That hurt."
"Did it work?"
Jesse didn't answer.
“All right, now, tell me why you can move your legs but the rats can still get to them."
Jesse thought back to the room, then sank back into the grass.
Her breathing became labored as she struggled to bring in enough air.
Ryland looked at Morgan. “Sit her up."
Morgan moved around behind Jesse and pushed her into a sitting position, holding her up by sitting behind her with her leg up against her back.
Ryland said, “You can talk."
Every time she thought of the room, her throat closed and she couldn't breathe. She held her throat and shook her head, panic in her eyes.
Ryland sat back on the grass, brought her knees up and casually wrapped her arms around them, her hands hanging relaxed and unconcerned. She breathed deeply and spoke calmly, perfect control in her voice. “Listen to my voice, Jesse. Slow your breathing. You can breathe. We're in the back yard, and Morgan is helping you. Slow your breathing."
Jesse closed her eyes and concentrated on relaxing her throat.
Gradually, her breathing became less labored and her throat opened up. She nodded. “I know what he did."
"Tell me."
Jesse reached back and pushed Morgan's knee out of the middle of her back, then slid backward until she was between Morgan's legs and was able to lean up against her chest. Morgan sat with her hands in the grass behind her, supporting the two of them.
Jesse's throat closed again, but she focused on Ryland's relaxed posture and forced herself to relax along with her.
"Whenever I start to think about it, my throat closes up."
"Your subconscious is trying to push too much out at once and it gets confused between memory and reality. Tell me one step at a time. What happened?"
Jesse filled her lungs, then slowly let the air out. "He had a wet rag." Her eyebrows came down and she looked left.
"What did you just remember?"
"That it was wet."
"Wet with water?"
Jesse shook her head. “Gasoline. He...he forced my mouth open. And if I moved any part of my body, he shoved the rag in a little." Her breathing became labored again and she began choking.
Morgan put her hand on Jesse's forehead and made her lean her head back into her shoulder. “Easy, Jess. I've got you, not him.
I've got you and you can breathe. Breathe slowly...open your airways."
Her breathing slowed again. “He smeared food on my leg and...if I moved when they bit me, he'd laugh and…push the rag in farther...with a stick. If I didn't move, he pulled it out again."
She stopped again, grabbing her temples as she tried to piece together the fragments of memory that kept firing painfully across her brain. She spoke between breaths, forcing the words out, trying to stop the escalating pain as her voice grew steadily louder. “I'd pass out and...every time I woke up...every time, he'd laugh...and ask me how I enjoyed the fumes." She pushed harder into her temples, needing to concentrate on her breathing instead of the pounding in her head. "This is why I don't want to do this Ryland!
My head—"
"Just keep talking, Jess. The pain will go away."
She raised her voice, trying to hear her own words over the roaring in her brain. "I don't know how many times I passed out.
But one time, I woke up...they were gone and I kicked the rats off."
She yelled at Ryland then, hating her for making her remember. “I killed them! I crushed them against the wall with the heel of my foot! I crushed them!" She turned and buried her head against Morgan, crying as Morgan pulled her close. “I killed them! I killed them!" She screamed the words over and over until nothing came out except her ragged breathing.
Morgan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She looked at Ryland, cold fury burning a swath down her throat into the pit of her stomach.
Ryland held Morgan's eyes a minute. "We're done for today, Jesse. We're all done." She reached over and began to slowly massage Jesse’s shoulders. “I'm sorry you have to relive these nightmares, Hon, but it's the only way we can give you back control of your life, your mind. We'll get through it together, I promise." Several minutes passed before Jesse's breathing slowed and she gradually relaxed into Morgan's arms. Ryland wished there were an easier way to accomplish what they needed to do, and she was extremely thankful to have Morgan there to support Jesse and, in Jesse's eyes, to protect her.
They remained on the grass until Jesse wiped her face with her hands, pushed away from Morgan, and walked down the path toward the barn.
&
nbsp; Chapter Fourteen
A week later, Morgan walked into the barn after Jesse had finished the morning feeding. She grabbed a halter from a hook right outside the tack room door. "Can you ride?"
Jesse nodded and went into the tack room to get Ryland's saddle.
Morgan stood in the doorway of the little room. “How well can you ride?"
"As good as you."
"Oh, you think so?"
"I know so." She pushed past Morgan and set the saddle on the rack.
"I want to start exercising three horses in the mornings to make sure all of them are ready to hunt. From now on, you'll need to saddle three instead of two. You'll be riding out with Ryland and me."
Jesse nodded and pulled another saddle from the tack room.
She heard the telltale creak of the hinges on the barn door as Cody and Rico walked into the barn looking for Morgan. When Cody saw her standing next to Jesse, he walked over and handed her a leather leash that had been chewed in half.
"We found this in Amanda's kennel today, Ma'am. I'm not sure who left it in there, but it looks like she made short work of it." He turned to Jesse. “Good morning, Jesse. Good to see you're still with us."
Jesse grabbed a halter to bring out one of the morning's horses.
Cody stepped in front of her and held out his hand to shake. “Hey, no hard feelings I hope."
Jesse didn't break stride. She leaned forward, spit on his hand and continued on to the stalls.
Morgan saw a flash of hatred run across Cody's features before he composed himself and wiped his hand on his jeans. He turned to Morgan. “Well, I'll keep trying. I think she'll come to realize I only had the good of the farm in mind."
Morgan nodded. “How did this get into Amanda's kennels?"
She looked from Rico to Cody, waiting for an answer.
Rico held up his hands and shook his head, and Cody shrugged. “Neither of us left it there, and if you didn't…." He looked pointedly at Jesse as she walked back toward them with Barney in tow. He turned back to Morgan. “I don't know, Ms.
Davis. I'm sure it won't happen again."
Morgan watched him closely. She wanted to get the results from the fingerprints the sheriff had lifted from the pack of cigarettes before she dealt with him, but it was getting harder and harder to keep her temper in check. She angrily tossed the remains of the leash onto the work table. “See that it doesn't."
"Yes Ma'am. I'll personally double check the kennels at night before Rico and I leave to make sure there's nothing in them that shouldn't be there." He glanced at Jesse as he and Rico went back outside.
Morgan stopped Jesse as she was reaching for another halter.
"I don't want you around him without a third person present. If he comes near you, either leave and look for Rico or me or go up to the house to find Ryland."
Jesse grabbed the halter. “I don't think so." It had been a week since their last session because Ryland wanted her to relax before they pulled out another memory. Her control had been slipping the last few days, her headaches were worse and her patience was shot.
It had taken all she had not to beat the fake smile off Cody's face, and she didn't feel like playing nice right at the moment.
Morgan put her hand up to Jesse's chest to stop her. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me." Jesse shoved Morgan's arm away and walked past her down the aisle to get Aristotle out of his stall.
Morgan grabbed the back of Jesse’s shirt and pulled her up short. She put her head close to Jesse's and said quietly, “Don't confuse your two lives here on the farm, Jess. When you're working with Ryland and when you're an employee working for me—they're two different things, and I'll put you through a wall if you ever answer me like that again. Do I make myself clear?"
"Let go."
Morgan let go with a shove and walked back to start saddling Barney. As Jesse reached up and rubbed the front of her neck, she saw Ryland standing in the doorway watching her. She muttered a slew of invectives and continued on to Aristotle's stall. She went in and angrily slammed the stall door behind her. It took a minute to fasten the halter and adjust the length so it rested comfortably on the big horse's head. When she turned, Morgan was standing behind her in the stall.
"Do you remember what I said I'd do if you ever take your anger out on one of my animals?"
Morgan's words were the last little push Jesse needed. She stepped toward her boss, hands clenched into fists. “Fuck you, Morgan! I'd never do anything to any of your goddamn animals!"
She spit out the words, furious that Morgan would even bring up something like that.
Livid didn't begin to describe Morgan's reaction. It was all she could do not to knock Jesse across the stall and be done with it.
"You look like you want to fight. You want to throw the first punch, go ahead."
Jesse almost let her fist fly, but at the last minute she clenched her jaw in frustration and lowered her hands.
Morgan put her hands on her hips to keep from throttling her and leaned closer. “Now you listen to me, and you listen good. The only reason I don't fire you right this second is because I gave you my word I wouldn't give up on you, but you're welcome to quit anytime." She stopped and gave Jesse a chance to do just that.
Jesse swallowed her anger and remained silent.
"I will not allow you to disrespect me on my own farm." The two of them locked eyes until Jesse looked away. "You will never swear at me again, you will not ignore me, and you will not slam around the barn like a five year old child. Look at me when I'm talking to you!"
Jesse raised angry eyes. Morgan stepped even closer until their faces were within inches of each other. “Don't push me, Jesse, because I'll always come out on top. I'll say it again, if you want to quit, do it. Otherwise, curb your foul mouth and live by my rules."
Jesse didn't trust herself to be civil, so she pushed back from Morgan and reached around to grab Aristotle's lead rope. Morgan turned on her heel and strode out. Jesse waited a few beats, then followed.
Ryland finished saddling Barney, took the lead rope from Jesse and tied Aristotle to a ring bolted into the wall. She picked up two brushes and held one out. When Jesse took the brush, Ryland stepped up to the big horse and started brushing his neck. Jesse moved around to the other side and brushed his flank.
Morgan brought Somerset up and saddled him herself. When they were ready, the three of them rode out into the pastures. Jesse, still fuming, kept about twenty paces behind the other two. She'd known her temper was out of control, and she was angry with herself for deliberately pushing Morgan farther than she'd ever pushed her before.
She thought about Cody. She hated him, that was a given, and she wanted to pound him into his grave, but Morgan had ordered her to leave him alone. The thought of destroying his face was looking better every day.
They picked up their pace and began cantering up hills and jumping logs and fences. Jesse had been up on horses since before she could walk, and riding was second nature. She hadn't noticed Morgan and Ryland watching her over the last jump. When she saw them, she reined Aristotle to a stop, waiting to see what they wanted.
Morgan shifted in her saddle. “Come over here."
Jesse moved her horse closer to theirs.
"Where did you learn to ride?"
"I grew up riding horses on my family's farm."
"Where?"
Jesse had no intention of telling them where. She sat quietly and waited.
Morgan lowered her head. “I asked you a question."
Jesse smoothed her horse’s mane. “I'm not trying to get you mad. I just don't want to tell you where, that's all. That's my business, not yours."
Morgan sat a minute, then reined Somerset around and cantered away.
Ryland said. “She'll listen when you talk to her like that, Jesse.
It works a whole lot better than anger."
Jesse fidgeted with the reins. “Yes Ma'am."
"You'll get control of your anger aga
in. Unfortunately, you can expect to become angrier before you start to get better. It's one of the by-products of what you're going through. Morgan knows that. It just takes her a little longer to remember it sometimes."
Ryland pulled Barney around and headed after Morgan. Aristotle pranced in circles, wanting to follow, but Jesse kept him in place until he settled. “I'll be damned if you're gonna start telling me what I can and can't do too, you ornery piece of horse flesh. Now settle." When he stopped fidgeting, she turned him in the direction the others had gone and made him walk slowly across the field.
Chapter Fifteen
At one, Morgan stood at the window and watched Jesse walk up the path to the house. The fall leaves covering the path were heavy with rain and the clouds blanketing the sky mirrored her mood. She was still upset by the confrontation that morning, and she wasn't ready to deal with whatever they were in for today. She sighed and walked over to the couch, mentally girding her loins for battle.
Jesse still knocked at the front door even though they'd told her to just come in when she was at the house. Ryland made her way from the kitchen to the door, wiping her hands on a towel as she welcomed Jesse inside.
Morgan smiled inwardly as Jesse walked into the living room.
She looks about as enthusiastic coming into this session as I am.
Jesse wouldn't meet Morgan's eyes, and she sat as far away from her on the couch as she could get.
Ryland took the armchair closest to Morgan. "I can see we need to talk about the morning's events." She waited patiently, hoping someone would break the ice. When neither did, she asked,
“So which of you wants to start?"
Morgan turned toward Jesse and put her arm on the back of the couch. “I think we said pretty much everything that needed to be said.” She looked at Jesse. “We understand each other perfectly, don't we?"
Jesse had her back to Morgan and didn't answer. Ryland waited to give her a chance to respond, though she was sure Jesse wouldn't say anything without being prompted.
"When we're here, Jess, you can say whatever you want to Morgan, as long as you're respectful. Just don't call her names and keep your profanity to yourself."
The Door at the Top of the Stairs Page 11
