“I know,” Cali said, sounding sad. “Logan cared so damn much, but I think he believed being protective was the same as loving someone. And it isn’t.”
“Sometimes you can be too protective and it turns the other person into a weakling. That’s not good,” Pete commented.
“Not that I’m an expert on love. Hell, all my relationships crashed and burned, and it wasn’t because I was being like Logan. I have my own unique set of problems.” Did she ever. Russ Turner haunted her, and now she had a new obstacle that would make a romantic relationship that much more difficult.
With a groan, Pete said, “I’m guilty of that, too. I haven’t had one good relationship yet. I’m beginning to think I’m cursed or have a black cloud hanging over my head.”
Cali held his frustrated gray gaze. “Why is that, do you think?”
“I honestly don’t know, Cali.” Pete finished off his sandwich and sipped more of the wine. “I’ve discussed it with my parents—that’s how bad off I was. Not that I figured it all out.”
“What was your mom and dad’s conclusion about your relationship issues?”
“My mother said I just hadn’t met the right woman yet. That I was learning about relationships just like everyone else did—by going through many of them.”
“And how would you know this special woman from the rest?” Cali finished her sandwich and nibbled on some of the salty Frito-Lay’s. Right now, Pete looked incredibly relaxed. His eyes were light and filled with warmth—toward her, she thought. That scared and lured her simultaneously. Her wounded emotions screamed at her to open up to him, to be vulnerable and available. Yet the terror of intimacy, of having this turn into another fiasco like the one with Russ, warred violently within her.
“Mom told me I’d dream about this woman, or in the middle of the day, even when I’m busy, she would automatically pop into my head. And that every time I thought of her or pictured her face, my heart would swell with such happiness I’d feel like I was going to explode.” Pete sipped the last of the wine and put the cup aside. Holding Cali’s interested gaze, he added, “And when we were apart, I’d feel like I’d lost my other half. I would hear her voice in the breeze around me and hear her laughter in the tumbling of a brook. Mom said that when I was in love with the right woman, all these things would happen.”
“That’s beautiful, Pete.” Cali wondered if any man would ever see her that way. She was a hard hat. A woman in a man’s world of steel and concrete. Sadness filled her heart as she sat there realizing that no one would ever likely see those possibilities in her.
Pete held her gaze. His voice dropped to a rasp. “Cali, I know things have been rough for you since the kidnapping. You’ve struggled daily since your return. I’d like to help you if I can.” Something shifted. Cali felt it. As if Pete’s husky, emotion-laden words had just unlocked the key to her heart that had been a prisoner for so long.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
DROWNING IN THE CARING warmth of his eyes, Cali began to melt. There was such vulnerability in Pete’s tanned face, the way his mouth curved to validate what he’d just whispered to her. He wanted to help her.
Without thinking, Cali reached out and touched his cheek. His gray eyes grew dark and stormy with desire. Just as quickly, she withdrew her hand and tucked it in her lap, her fingers tingling wildly. The tension mounted between them and Cali found herself, for once, without words.
“The kidnapping has changed you, Cali. I’m concerned for you.”
Voice wobbling, she managed to whisper, “Pete, I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’ve been so emotionally unstable since coming back here.” In a corner of her mind she wondered if this was an owner telling her she was going to be released from her job because she wasn’t performing up to par. That struck terror in Cali. Not again.
“I know,” Pete said sadly. He captured her tightly balled hands between his, then released them. “And I think I know why. You were afraid to come to me about all of these changes brought about by the attack. I fought not saying anything, Cali, for as long as I could. I saw you wrestling with a lot of feelings. And I wanted to try and help.”
Looking down at her hand, Pete saw how long and supple her fingers were as she spread them out after he’d touched them. There was something strong and beautiful about Cali’s hands, and he’d always been drawn to them. She was an engineer, someone who built megalithic structures that cost billions of dollars. She was one with the earth. She had to be in order to be a builder. All those things were such positives in Pete’s view.
There had been such strength and yet an incredible gentleness when he’d squeezed her hands, Cali thought tearfully. “Are you going to fire me?” she blurted. There, the worst of her fear was verbalized. Stomach knotting painfully, she saw surprise flash across his eyes. His mouth opened and then quickly closed.
Pete gazed deeply into her emerald eyes. “Why, no. Of course not. Is that what you thought? That I’d brought you out here to release you from the job?”
Tears blurred Cali’s vision. “Oh, Pete. I don’t know what to think.” She choked back a sob. Pressing her hand against her lips, she battled the powerful emotional response to his simple question. Finding her voice, she rasped, “I know I haven’t been a very good manager since coming back from the kidnapping. I battle anger, fear and anxiety every hour. They come and go unexpectedly. I have lost my temper and yelled at workers and supervisors when I shouldn’t have. I try so very hard to stop it from happening, but I don’t know what’s going on or why. I feel almost out of control. I’ve never felt like this and I don’t know what to do about it. Or how to stop it.”
“I have a story to tell you, Cali,” Pete answered quietly. “I want to share something very personal with you about my parents. My father, Morgan Trayhern, worked for a secret organization within the government. He labored tirelessly to put a lot of South American drug lords behind bars. To halt the drug trade to the States. He thought our family was safe.” Pete grimaced. “What he didn’t expect was that the cartel would kidnap not only him, but my mother and my older brother, Jason.”
“Oh, no,” Cali whispered. She pressed her hand to her lips and stared at Pete. His face was dark and filled with memories of that painful event.
“They were kidnapped. My parents were drugged, separated and taken to different countries in South America. My brother, who was six years old at the time, was taken to Hawaii, to another drug lord’s estate.” Pete picked some blades of grass and tore them apart between his fingers. “My father was tortured daily. My mother was drugged and raped.”
“My God,” Cali said. “How horrible.” She couldn’t begin to understand the impact that would have had on his parents, much less their children. “How did they escape?”
“Several months later they were rescued. My father was nearly dead when they found him.” Pete shrugged painfully. “My mother, well, she was frank about the rape. She said a part of her died and was taken from her, that it forever changed how she looked at men, how she looked at her husband. And herself.”
“The injury to their marriage must have been horrendous, Pete. I simply can’t wrap my mind around such an awful experience.”
“It’s impossible to imagine,” he agreed quietly, sifting the bits of grass between his fingers and watching them drift to the ground. “I was born after all of this, of course, but eventually, my parents told me, when I was old enough to understand.” He gazed at her, his tone hushed. “My parents suffered major PTSD symptoms. So did Jason. I grew up, more or less, with that poison in our family. I came to recognize it, since my parents grappled with it daily. So did my brother. In fact, Jason was so wounded by the experience that it nearly ruined his military career. We were all scarred by what happened. I saw the damage PTSD does to a person, to a marriage and to a family.”
Cali took a deep, ragged breath. “Why are you telling me all of this, Pete?”
“Because I see the same symptoms in you, that my parents once had.
” He gave her a searching look. “And I’m sure I’m overstepping all boundaries here with you, but I just can’t stand seeing you suffer anymore. I want to help you, not fire you.”
Closing her eyes, her hand pressed against her pounding chest, Cali fought back hot tears. Voice quavering, she said, “Dr. Wright said I would have PTSD. Logan told me to get help from a therapist. I didn’t want to believe that the Taliban had hurt me that much. I fought everyone on this. I didn’t want the enemy to win, didn’t want to admit they had taken a chunk out of me, out of my life.” Opening her eyes, Cali glanced over at Pete. “And now you’re bringing it to my doorstep. I can’t fight a third person on this. I’m just too tired, Pete. I used to look forward to my time at the site, but now it’s a daily nightmare that just keeps going and going.”
Choking down the tears, because she didn’t want him to see her cry, Cali added, “I’ll do what I have to do to get well. It’s enough that you aren’t going to fire me.”
“I have a solution, Cali. One that I hope you’ll agree to.” Pete reached into the saddlebag for two airline tickets and handed them to her. “Come home with me for the first two weeks of June. To my parents’home in Montana. They will help you understand your feelings. My mother will be your guide, if you want.”
Stunned, Cali stared at the ticket. They were for first class seats on a major airline, from Kabul to Anaconda, Montana. She read the departure date, then searched Pete’s face.
“Go home with you, Pete?” Her world shifted. Cali felt an array of disjointed feelings, along with a sudden, unexpected ray of hope produced by his offer of help.
Sheepishly, he said, “When your father came to the hospital and you were still unconscious, I had a long talk with him before they called me back to the site. I’d already talked to Dr. Wright, who warned me that you’d have PTSD to battle afterward.”
“You told my dad about this plan?” There was disbelief in her voice. Her father hadn’t said a word to her about that particular conversation!
Pete nodded. “Yes, I did. I wanted to let him know that I supported you getting well. That your work on the site was superior and I believed you deserved my help. And—” Pete smiled hopefully “—he was the one who suggested we take two weeks off and go to my parents’ home. Your father said that learning from people who have already had the experience is the best way to heal.”
“Yes, my dad believes that.” Cali sat there digesting the plan. Her father was very good at evaluating people, and he had an eye for quality. Turning the tickets over in her hands, she looked down at them for a long time. Compressing her lips, she finally lifted her head, and saw genuine concern in Pete’s eyes.
“Okay, who is taking over for us if we leave?”
“Logan will take your place. And my number two, Captain Lane Johnson, will do my work while we’re gone.”
“Logan? He left already.”
“Not as far away as you think,” Pete told her. “He’s in Kabul right now.”
“But he said he was going home.”
“Logan is working with my bosses and the accountants to get up to speed regarding the project. If you agree to take the time off, he’ll come back here and be able to keep everything on schedule. More than anything, Cali, your brother wants to see you get well.”
“I wondered why he was acting so funny. He was so overly protective of me.”
“Logan saw the changes in you, Cali. He came to me about it. He was worried I wouldn’t understand, but I assured him I did, and that I’d create a plan of action to help you.”
Shaking her head, Cali sighed and looked around the quiet glen. “Does your home have running water like this?” she asked, gesturing toward the creek.
“Does it ever,” Pete said, excitement in his tone.
“So will you fly home with me, Cali? Give yourself a chance to heal?”
Her heart in turmoil, Cali whispered, “It would be a professional vacation of sorts, okay?”
“I understand. This trip is about your health. I want you well. And I want to continue to work with you here at the site when we get back.” His spirits rose as he saw Cali study the tickets in her hand. “Listen, at worst you’ll be spending two weeks with my family in the Rockies. You aren’t required to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Mulling it over, Cali said, “The truth is, I could use a break.” She touched her temple, which was rapidly healing. “And I think I’d rather talk to people who had PTSD than see a therapist right now.” Because she was emotionally fragile and Pete made her feel safe and more stable, Cali saw the trip as a positive step. Together. But she didn’t say that. Cali didn’t want to promise Pete anything, although she could see concern in his gaze and hear caring in his roughened voice. “I’m willing to talk to your parents about the kidnapping and what it’s doing to me. But if that doesn’t work, then I’m going to have to see a therapist. I can’t stand this up-and-down emotional drama inside myself. It is taking my focus away from work.”
“I’ll bet my parents can help you understand it, and you’ll get a lot out of this trip. If you need a therapist afterward, that’s fine, too. We’ll do whatever you need to heal from this, Cali.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pete. That means a lot to me.” In all honesty, even though Cali had worked with Pete for a year, she had no idea what he was like personally, on a day-to-day basis. The extra dimension of having him with her during this most vulnerable time scared her. But what was she going to do? Cali knew she desperately needed support and guidance right now.
“Logan said you wouldn’t come to me,” Pete said softly. “He didn’t say why, but that it had something to do with your past.”
“Logan was right,” she admitted. “If anyone but you had wanted to do me this favor, I’d have turned the offer down.” Cali was too frightened to tell him about Russ or the subsequent hell her professional life had become. Logan knew all about the debacle and he had never told anyone. Her big brother was a guard dog for her, and Cali was grateful. Right now, she needed protection.
“That’s a compliment I’ll accept,” Pete said, taking the tickets back from her and stuffing them into the saddlebag. Cali trusted him enough to go home to heal. That sent a wave of euphoria through him. “You’ll get to meet my whole family and you can size them up and decide if you want to work with them. If you don’t, they’ll certainly understand. You’re not going to a prison, Cali. I want you to feel as if you’re having a vacation of sorts. This isn’t mandatory, nor will it affect your job status here or with me. If you’d rather handle this another way, I’m open to that, too.”
“Thanks for giving me choices, Pete. I guess I’m in shock over the idea, that’s all.” Staring down at her clasped hands, Cali added, “My dad knows about your suggestion and thinks it’s a good one, so I’m not going to argue with that. He’s been a guiding light in my life and has never led me astray.”
Pete said, “Speaking of parental support, my mother is jumping up and down for joy because I’m coming home. Frankly, we’re both needing to cash in our vacation time, anyway. This is one way to do it.” Pete gave her a crooked smile. “I think you’ll like my mom. People trust her instantly. Everyone automatically opens up to her.”
“Okay, Rough Rider, I’m willing to try this,” Cali said, picking up her paper cup and drinking the last of her wine. “Any man who thinks his mother is great has my vote of confidence.” Her pulse was fluttery. Her stomach churned with anticipation, fear—and what else? Every time Cali looked into Pete’s strong, tanned face and those laughter-filled gray eyes of his, she felt helplessly drawn to him. And afraid to call what she felt for him anything other than her crazy symptoms.
“That’s great, Cali.” Pete rose and dusted off his rear. “I have a good feeling about this.” And he did. But he couldn’t delve too deeply into the fact that Cali was going to be home—with him. In a strictly personal environment. Unable to erase the anxiety he felt, or the raw yearning for her as a woman, h
e went over and bridled the gelding. Then he leaned down and unhobbled the horse, reins in hand.
As Cali rose from their picnic site, she picked up the cups and handed them to Pete to stuff into the saddlebags. How did he really feel about her coming home with him? Trapped? Obligated? The way his mouth crooked upward told Cali he was very happy right now. And she didn’t wish to spoil the moment with all of her hard questions. One step at a time, Cali cautioned herself as he mounted the Arabian, which was eagerly eating grass. One step at a time.
“I’ve never been to Montana,” she confessed as Pete held out his hand and helped her mount behind him. Settling into place, she took the saddlebags over one arm and wrapped the other around his waist.
Pete reined the gelding around. “You’ll love it. We live in the Rockies, in a beautiful area. As a kid I always liked waking up in the morning and inhaling the scent of pine coming through my open window.”
The Arabian picked its way along the trail. Sunlight beat down on Cali and she felt a contentment she’d never experienced before. Listening to the birds calling out to one another, the stream gurgling noisily, Cali sighed. “I think that going home with you is going to help me so much. You’ve become so important to me.”
She spoke the words so softly. They came unbidden, without her thinking first. Was it the prospect of the trip stopping her normal mechanism of holding the secret, personal feelings inside? Cali didn’t know. This honesty and intimacy with Pete was so new that it made her feel like she was walking on the thinnest of ice and at any moment could fall through.
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