by Lacey Black
With her head nestled against my neck, I stroke the top of her hair, brushing it back with my fingers. I love the way the soft strands feel entwined between each finger, the way it tickles my palm when I grasp it in my hand. At another time, this would be the start of something dirty and erotic, but not now. Not tonight.
Soon, her soft cries turn to sniffles. Reaching over, I set my glasses down on the nightstand, grab a Kleenex from behind my alarm clock and hand it to her. Her face is void of makeup and has been for much of the night. Her eyes are swollen and her face blotchy, but something inside my chest bursts with longing and happiness, and it feels a lot like love. My heart palpitates in my chest, jumping around and tapping out a happy little jig. So much I want to tell her, but can’t. It’s not the right time, and I don’t think she’s ready.
“When I first met Josh, Meghan brought him to dinner for the twins’ birthday. He was so quiet and shy, which you can imagine how that went over with my family. Anyway, Grandpa walked over to him and told him that if he was going to make it in this family, he was going to have to strip naked and dance along to Prince in the middle of the yard. Of course, he was completely flabbergasted at the thought, and just when he was about to make a mad dash for the highway, Grandpa started laughing and told him that he was joking. And the crazy part is, we still don’t know if he really was. Josh rolled with it, though, and was just a part of our family from that moment. He went everywhere Meggy went, would do anything for her. He loved her so fiercely, so infinitely that I don’t know how the sun will come up in a few hours in his absence.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet him. Ryan told me great things about him,” I tell her soothingly, rubbing small circles on her upper back.
“They’ve become close in the last several months. With Chris’s constant absence, they were the only guys. They hung together during every sisters’ nights, and even some just because they wanted to watch a football game or some fight on Pay-Per-View. Levi is around a lot too, but not as much as those two were.”
“Levi?” I ask, racking my brain to connect the name with a face.
“He’s Abby’s best friend. They actually live across the hall from each other, but have been best friends since grade school. I’m pretty sure they secretly love each other, but refuse to acknowledge it. He’s an EMT and firefighter here in town and plays guitar in a band.”
“I’m sure I’ll get to meet him soon.”
“Yeah. Probably at the funeral,” she says, choking on the words.
I pull her closer yet, the front of the shirt she’s wearing wet from all of her fallen tears. “I’m sorry you lost him, sweetheart. I’m sorry your entire family has lost someone so loved by each of you.”
“Thank you,” she whispers, her lips grazing against my neck sending ripples of lust straight to my groin.
“Try to get some sleep.”
“I should be with Meghan.”
“Let’s get some sleep and we’ll go be with her tomorrow, okay? Right now, you need some rest.”
“Okay,” she finally concedes, taking a deep breath.
I feel her relax in my arms, the weight of her worries finally starting to lift. She drifts off to sleep, her warm breath tickling my skin. My own exhaustion starts to set in, my lids too heavy to keep open any longer. We’re in for a rough and long few days, that’s for sure, but I plan to be by her side every step of the way.
There’s no other place I’d rather be.
* * *
Three days feel like a lifetime when you’re planning a funeral. I wasn’t able to take the entire week off from work, but was able to move appointments for three of them. It’ll make the end of my week busier than hell, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. Being with Payton while she grieves the loss of someone she loved is the most important thing right now.
We made it through the visitation in fairly one piece, but now we have the funeral tomorrow. I, for one, am not looking forward to this in the least. And I didn’t even know the guy.
Tonight was brutal. Meghan was overwhelmed for much of the evening, and that was hard for Payton to witness, which, in turn, made it difficult for me. The five Summer sisters sat back, helpless, while Meghan greeted person after person, heard condolence after condolence. Four hours of putting on a brave face and having dozens of people tell you how sorry they were for your loss.
It fucking sucked.
We’re pulling back into my driveway now. Payton struggles not to fall asleep in the passenger seat, the result of sleepless nights. I wanted her to stay with me so that I could hold her in my arms, but she wouldn’t. Not only did she stay with Meghan one night, but she didn’t want to disrupt my daughter’s routine.
Well, forget that.
Tonight, she sleeps in my bed.
“Come on, honey,” I say as I park my car and get out to help her. She’s wearing a black dress that hugs her curves, with that long brown hair that I love twisted up in some sort of fancy knot on her head.
“I should get going,” she mumbles as she stands beside me, nodding towards her car parked in the street. I watch as she sways a bit, practically dead on her feet, for lack of a better term.
“Not tonight, sweetheart. You’re exhausted. Come inside and you can crash here. After Bri gets off to school, we’ll run to your house and you can get ready.”
“Ready. For the funeral. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”
“I know,” I concede, kissing her forehead before steering her towards my front door.
“But Brielle is here.”
“She is.”
“But don’t you think that will confuse her? If she sees me here at night and then again in the morning.”
“I think my daughter is going to be too excited to even realize. She asks about you every night.”
“She does?” she asks, stopping and turning towards me when we reach the door.
“Every night.”
Big green eyes stare at me. She looks nervous, yet pleased at the same time. Before I can formulate a reply, she kisses me. For as much affection as we’ve shown each other in the last few days, this kiss is different. It’s not of security but of desire.
Her lips are soft and warm and mold to mine perfectly. Her body lines up seamlessly. Her hand to my chest is an accelerant to my raging libido. We fit. Click into place like puzzle pieces.
Like she was made for me.
I’m pulled from my thoughts by giggling. Payton realizes it at the same time and together we pull apart and glance at the front door. My daughter is there, smiling like the cat that ate the canary.
“You guys are kissing,” she snickers, her hands covering her mouth.
“And you were snooping,” I say as I pull the screen door open. My daughter doesn’t fly into my arms the way I expect her to. No. She flies into Payton’s.
“No snooping, Daddy. I heard you pull in and Mimi said Payton was with you!”
Even though she still looks exhausted, she’s smiling at Brielle, holding her against her chest. The image they make steals my breath, making it hard to breathe. Bri’s little arms are wrapped around Payton’s neck and she’s squeezing tightly.
“Careful, Bri. Don’t hurt Payton.”
“She’s okay,” she replies before placing a kiss on my daughter’s forehead.
“Are you gonna come play?”
“Not tonight, Bri. It’s bedtime and Payton’s very tired. She had a very long day.”
“‘Cause your friend went to heaven?” Bri asks innocently.
Payton’s eyes fill with tears and she smiles fondly down at the girl in her arms. “Yeah, because my friend went to heaven.”
“That makes me sad,” Bri whispers.
“Me too.”
“You know what makes me feel better when I’m sad?”
“What?” Payton asks, her full attention to my daughter.
“My daddy snuggles with me and rubs my back. Maybe Daddy can snuggle with you and rub your back for you too.”
She smiles down at Bri a breathtaking grin. “That sounds like just what I need.”
“Can I snuggle with you too?” Her eyes look so hopeful.
“I would love that,” Payton confirms.
We finally make our way into the house. Mom is standing there, wearing her own grin. I’m about to ask her what she’s smiling at, but I think I already know. Payton puts Bri down, and they instantly lock hands. The movement doesn’t go unnoticed by me, nor Mom.
“I’m very sorry to hear of your loss, dear.” Mom steps forward and wraps her arms around Payton’s neck. “Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you and your family.”
“Thank you,” she chokes out, stunned by the onslaught of attention and emotion it’s creating.
When mom leaves, I send Bri to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Payton, on the other hand, heads to my room to get ready for bed. After a quick sweep of the house, making sure all of the doors are locked and the lights off, I head to find my little girl. She’s just finishing up her teeth, so I have a seat on the toilet lid until she’s done.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Uh huh!”
“Are you okay if Payton sleeps here tonight?”
She turns those brown eyes on me. I can tell she doesn’t understand why I’m asking.
“It’s just that I want to make sure you’re okay with her staying here. When you wake up in the morning, she might be sleeping in my bed.”
“Like married mommies and daddies?”
“Yeah,” I reply, choking on air.
“But you’re not married.” It’s not a question.
“No.”
“Are you gonna get married?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. It’s too soon to know the answer to that.”
She looks to be deep in thought, so I let her work it out in her own head. If she has more questions, I know she’ll ask. Like most young kids, she’s inquisitive and never has a problem vocalizing her curiosity.
“It’s okay wiff me. She’s really sad and I don’t like to see her sad.”
“Me either, honey. That’s why I’m having her stay here. She’s very tired, but if it makes you uncomfortable, then I can take her home.”
“She said I can snuggle wiff her.”
“She did,” I confirm, giving her a slight grin.
“Can I be in the middle?”
“Of course.”
“Then let’s go. She’s sad and needs to snuggle, Daddy.”
Together, we walk out of the bathroom and into my room. Payton is standing there, staring out the window, lost in thought. Her hair is brushed out, her face void of what little makeup she wore to the visitation. I notice immediately what she’s wearing. She has the button-up shirt that I consider hers now, and a pair of my cotton shorts. They hang on her hips slightly, hugging her thighs in a way that sends blood to my groin.
Not a good time, wayward dick.
Bri walks up to her and hugs her waist, pulling Payton’s attention back to us. She glances up at me, the question clear in her eyes. So, I answer her with a smile. Yes, this is okay.
The girls walk to my bed and climb on. Payton lies on her side with Bri facing her, their arms linked. I watch for a few minutes as they make small talk, my child telling my woman all about her school day and what my mom made her for dinner. I slip inside the bathroom and get myself ready for bed. Once my teeth are brushed, I throw on a pair of cotton shorts folded up in the laundry basket of clean clothes that I hadn’t put away yet.
When I get back to my bedroom from the en-suite bathroom, I flip on the lamp before turning off the overhead light. Then I make my way to my side of the bed and tuck in beside my daughter. As soon as I’m settled, I glance across the bed and into the emerald eyes of Payton. They’re laced with humor along with her weariness.
We lie together, my arm across Bri, her arms wrapped around Payton. It’s a lovely image, one I’ve never really allowed myself to envision. But now? Now, that I’m experiencing it, I’ll never get it out of my head. I’ll remember this moment, this mental photograph, for the rest of my life.
“Do you feel better, Payton?” Bri asks, her voice quiet as sleep starts to take her.
“I feel amazing, Brielle.”
Glancing up, I gaze at startling green eyes that reflect my own emotions. It takes every ounce of control I possess to not tell her that I’m in love with her. My heart is beating wildly in my chest, my eyes locked on hers. Her features are soft and relaxed. Content.
Payton’s eyes finally grow heavy and start to close. Brielle has gone quiet and still between us. I lie there, watching them both sleep for as long as possible until my own eyes become too heavy to keep open, and then, I finally allow myself to drift off to sleep.
One thing is certain: I feel pretty amazing too.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Payton
Will things ever get back to normal? No. A week after we bury my sister’s fiancé, the Summer family is having to navigate a new normal. One that still involves tears and a huge void where one person once was. Everything has changed, and none of us really know where to start.
First off, there’s Meghan. She’s not our Meggy right now. She’s grieving something none of us ever hope to experience, and if I could take her place in this traumatic turn of events, I would in a heartbeat! I would do it for any of my sisters, and know they would do the same for me.
Even if it hurts.
I haven’t spent the night with Dean since the night of the visitation. Not because he didn’t ask, but because I needed space. It would be so easy to get caught up in the magical bubble he wraps around me. You know the one where everything is cozy and comfortable and content. He and his daughter and the way they make me feel like a part of their little family.
And that right there is the problem.
I can’t be a part of their little world. Yeah, sure, in theory, when I close my eyes, I can see myself sitting on the couch with both of them, wrapped up in a blanket and watching a Disney movie. Or all of us seated at the dinner table enjoying a meal I cooked. Or what about bedtime where Dean and I tuck Bri into bed before slipping into his room, where we fall into our own and make love until we’re both sweaty and exhausted.
Those are dreams.
No long reality.
Reality for me is lonely, and while I might be able to gloss over it with time with him and his daughter, it won’t hide the truth forever. He’ll want more kids.
And that’s where I would come in.
But I can’t give them to him.
One thing I’ve learned in the last week is that love hurts, painfully so. And while I’d gladly take the place of my sister so she doesn’t have to feel an ounce of this heartache, it’s also made it brutally clear that there is no happy ending in store for Dean and me. As much as I’d love to see it happen, it can’t. It won’t. He’ll be disappointed in me just the way Cole was all those years ago when we finally broke up.
I know what I have to do, and it hurts.
I don’t sleep because when I close my eyes, I see their faces. I don’t eat because my stomach can’t handle it. I can’t breathe because the ache of knowing he won’t be there when I want to talk makes it too painful to do something as simple as moving oxygen in and out of my body.
The agony is coming and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
* * *
It’s Friday night and the shop closed a little over an hour ago. I’m in my office, working on an order to be delivered next Wednesday when I hear a knock on the back door. My phone has been in my purse much of the day, and I’m sure it has texts and messages that have remained unseen.
Reluctantly, I get up and head to the door. My gut tells me it’s Dean, which wouldn’t surprise me since I haven’t seen him much in the last week. With taking much of last week off for Josh’s funeral, I’ve been playing catch-up like crazy at the shop. Rachel helped keep it running, but not the behind the scenes stuff. The off
ice and clerical part, as well as the inventory and ordering is all me.
So when I open the door and Abby is there, I’m a little surprised.
“Hey,” I say, holding it open so she can enter.
“Am I interrupting much?”
“No, no. Just going over some of the order forms that need to be sent in. My next shipment is coming Wednesday, and it couldn’t be soon enough. Since I wasn’t here last week, I didn’t get anything this week. I’m dangerously low on my staples.”
She follows me into my office and glances around at the stacks of papers on my desk.
“Have you eaten?” she asks before turning those mirroring green eyes on me.
“No,” I say, just as my stomach growls.
We laugh together while she digs out her cell phone. “I’ll order pizza.”
“Sounds good,” I sit down behind my desk and shuffle the papers that need to be filed.
“Oh, wait. You don’t have plans with Dean tonight, do you? Am I messing something up?”
“No, no plans.” I avoid eye contact and keep moving papers around on my desk.
I notice right away that she’s quiet and can feel her eyes on me. Instead of looking up and confronting her inquisitive eyes, I keep my head down, piling the papers. It only takes a few moments before I feel the weight of her stare and know that I’m avoiding the situation, not her.
“I haven’t talked to him much this week,” I confess.
“Why?” she asks, sitting down in the seat in front of my desk.
“It’s not going to work.” Saying those words aloud is almost gut-wrenching.
“I know how you feel,” she whispers. My eyes fly to her. She looks so defeated with her hands twisting together in her lap.
“What’s the matter?”
“I don’t think I can be friends with Levi anymore,” she confesses, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
“Why not? You two have been friends for as long as I can remember.”
“I know. He’s great, really. But lately, things have been…different.”
