by Laura Gibson
Put in enough hours and you’ll get rewarded for your efforts, something her dad always said whenever Rachel would complain that she was doing too much without enough of a pay off at the end of the tunnel.
Well, she had put in hundreds of hours... and now, she had gotten Jamie. Her dad had been right.
So why did Ethan fight him at every turn?
It was no secret that Ethan and their dad had always had a volatile relationship. Too many differences under one roof, their mom would say. Too many differences and not enough understanding.
But Rachel could say the same about her.
No one was as clean as they wanted to look. Rachel knew that more than anyone.
The divorce had been civil. The family had never been.
Family ties had always taken a backseat to proving who was right in an argument; arguments that held no restraint for harsh words or feelings. If you had something to say in the moment, better spit it out, because the other person could pull out verbal daggers at a moment’s notice, leaving you bare, defenseless and bleeding.
Rachel had always reasoned away that if Ethan would just be good, if he could just get his act together, then everything would be okay. But that was never the case. Ethan couldn’t control himself much the same way you couldn’t tame a squirrel.
No matter how many daring jumps the squirrel performed, one of those days every onlooker knew it was only time that stood between the squirrel and a quick drop to the pavement. One wrong step and that would be that.
Rachel sighed and tried not to think about what Ethan’s wrong step would be, she knew it was inevitable, but she didn’t want to guess about it. She never wanted to think poorly of her brother, even if that was the only thing he ever gave her.
He never tried so therefore, he never succeeded. But with that, he never had a chance to fail and Rachel knew that that would hurt Ethan more than any amount of lethargy ever could.
If Ethan tried, really tried, and still came up short, it would ruin him.
Maybe Ethan was aware of that.
Maybe that was the answer to everything after all.
Rachel reached up to look at her makeup in the rearview mirror, just to pass the time while she waited on them to return.
In the reflection she saw Kelly walk out, hands in his pockets. He looked in her direction for a moment, but instead of sauntering over like she thought he would, he turned and walked in the other direction.
For a while, Rachel watched him go, feeling that same pang of guilt as before, but when Ethan and Logan emerged, shopping bags in both hands she pushed it from her mind.
Logan slung his bags in the car and jumped over the door after them, he slid across the back seat so that he was sitting directly behind Rachel and stretched his long, tan arms across the head rest. “Great summer car, Rachel.” He was smiling and moving his head to a beat that only he could hear, “Really enjoying the ride.”
“Thanks.” Rachel gave him a polite smile; she looked at Ethan, “Find everything you need?”
Ethan shrugged, “Think so, gotta get it home, and then we’ll find out.” He let out a nervous chuckle.
“Where’d Kelly go?” Rachel tried to sound just concerned enough to come across as curious rather than actually concerned.
“Eh.” Ethan shrugged, “Its Kelly.”
“He’s moody.” Logan added, “Sometimes you just gotta let him do his own thing.”
Rachel pulled away from her parking spot and headed home, “Is he walking home?”
“Maybe.” Logan laughed. “I don’t know, he just said he needed some fresh air and split.”
“And that’s normal?” Rachel knew she was frowning, but she couldn’t help herself.
“Pretty much.” Ethan was nodding, “Why? You think he’s gonna get abducted or something?”
“No.” Rachel flicked on the blinker and turned right, “I just thought it was odd.”
“Ooh someone’s worried about Kelly.” Ethan teased her, nudging her sharply in the ribs.
Rachel tried to move away from the brotherly ribbing, but didn’t laugh at his joke, “Not really.”
“Don’t worry, Rach, he’ll find his way back. Always seems to.” Logan tried to reassure her.
“I wasn’t worried.” Rachel defended herself. But wasn’t she? Isn’t that why she had asked in the first place? Because she was worried, because she was afraid she wouldn’t see him again. Even after everything that had happened, the thought that he could walk out of her life again was a painful one.
The occupants of the car were silent for a few blocks before Rachel opened her mouth, she really couldn’t help herself, she had to know how Kelly had gotten to be staying with her. “So how did you meet Kelly?”
Logan took this as a joke and started laughing in the backseat while Ethan tried to answer her question. “Well, we’ve always known Kelly. I mean, I think I met him the day we moved to Hartford.”
Ethan had started living there when he was eleven. That meant that he had known Kelly for ten years, long before she had even known he existed.
“You never talked about him before.” Rachel said with a shrug, hoping she didn’t look too curious.
Ethan returned the shrug with one of his own, “I guess I never really thought I needed to.”
“Hm.” Rachel let the subject die in silence and drove the rest of the way home that way. Letting the others think what they wanted.
They got home fine and Rachel excused herself back to her room almost immediately, planning on calling her mom as soon as she was alone.
Rachel closed the door behind her and pulled her smart phone out of her clutch, seeing that she had gotten several new emails from various universities that wanted her to attend in the fall, regardless of the one black spot on her otherwise perfect record. She guessed they didn't mind that much that she stabbed a fellow student in the shoulder with a pencil; so long as she kept her grade point average up.
She sighed and knew she would have to pick one out at some point in time, but she figured she could push it off just a little bit longer. Just long enough to figure out what she actually wanted to do with her life.
Rachel bit the inside of her cheek and tried to think of what she really wanted to do with her life. She had always had a plan. Always. Now, with the impending doom that was adulthood she couldn't quite seem to get her act together.
She dialed her mom’s number and put the receiver to her ear, waiting patiently through the rings. She was sent to voicemail and Rachel contemplated leaving a message. Deciding not, she hung up the phone.
Rachel closed her eyes and rested her head against the phone, wishing for a moment she had a normal relationship with Helen DeVross. But that would be asking too much wouldn't it? Normal wasn't in the cards for Rachel Gunn. Never had been.
A familiar sound coming from the driveway alerted Rachel to the arrival of her father, who was back an entire day early from his trip.
Rachel took a few minutes to check just exactly which universities had implored her to give them a chance so that she could discuss them with her father and then left her room.
Helen DeVross might have been hard to deal with, but Peter Gunn was Rachel's father. Her mentor and the only person who had ever really let her know what it meant to work hard and earn the things you got in life.
She bounded down the steps, excited to see him after an entire week but stopped on the stairs when she saw Kelly standing there, looking up at her. His fingers to his lips, signaling her to be quiet.
Rachel tilted her head to the side, confused, but then heard the also familiar sound of shouting coming from the kitchen.
Not even in the same house for ten minutes and they were already at each other’s throats.
Rachel was crestfallen, it wasn’t like Kelly didn’t know that they always fought, or even how it made her feel, but she never wanted him to see it. She never wanted anyone to see this part. She didn’t need Kelly to think that he had to take care of her.
Rachel stood on the steps leading to the first floor and paused in front of Kelly, her breath hanging in suspension with her body. Why was it so hard to push past Kelly and address the fight downstairs? In the whole time he had been in California Rachel wanted to do just one thing and now, she felt it more than ever.
He was trying to stop her from going into the kitchen, as if she hadn’t heard everything that was being said before. As if she didn’t know that the moment her father had gotten home he would find something to be angry about with Ethan. He was trying to protect her. Still.
Rachel took a deep breath in and stepped around Kelly, her mind made up.
The problem with Ethan was that he just didn’t try.
If he ever tried their dad wouldn’t be so hard on him, that was the truth and she knew it.
It wouldn’t always be a knockdown, drag-out fight; it would just be a few short words, clipped and angry, but nothing like this. Not like this.
Rachel looked at Kelly and felt embarrassed; he shouldn’t have to see this. Not this part. This part that Rachel had always worked so hard at keeping hidden from everyone that knew her. Even Kelly, with his infinite knowledge of her, she had hoped this wouldn’t have happened in front of him.
“Dad, it’s not that big of a deal!” Ethan was shouting now, his voice deeper than usual, lined with a rich tone of anger.
“No, it’s never a big deal with you, is it?” Rachel heard her father’s lower voice, the rage building in the back of his throat. “It’s a never a big deal when it’s someone else’s money.”
“Dad, it’s just a van.” Ethan was getting exasperated now, “I needed it for work.”
“Ethan, I gave you that money for your G.E.D, not for some wild hippie van. You need to get your life together and clean up this,” Peter's voice broke off as he thought of the next word, “Mess. You’re a slob, Ethan and it’s embarrassing.”
The words weren’t directed at Rachel, but she felt them cut just as deep. She knew her dad had always looked down on Ethan’s pursuits and they had nearly come to blows over it before but this was over the top. Something must have happened while she was upstairs.
“Gee, Dad, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” Ethan’s voice dripped with sarcasm.
“Oh don’t give me that.” Rachel’s dad had simmered down quite a bit, but his tongue was still just as sharp as ever, “You’re a slob, Ethan. You’ve always been a slob and you’ll always be one.”
Rachel took a breath in and descended the stairs.
She rounded the corner and saw the two warring parties in the kitchen stuck in a stalemate.
“Did you know about this?” Her father turned to Rachel then, wondering if he had to rope his daughter into the yelling as well, or if Ethan was on his own.
Rachel felt her head shaking back and forth, her lips being unable to move. She had no idea Ethan had used the money their dad had sent him on the dilapidated van sitting outside. If he didn’t want to use it on school, why not just send the money back? It sure would have saved a lot of trouble, or so Rachel told herself.
Not believing her one bit her dad closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his right hand, “You know, this, I expected this from Ethan, but you,” He made a noise in the back of his throat, “I thought you were better than this.”
Rachel had to hand it to her father. It was the baby squirrel incident all over again. Ethan had found a baby squirrel on the ground and decided to hide it in his room, nursing it back to health and trying to keep it as a pet. Rachel knew about Larry the squirrel from the beginning but Ethan had begged her not to say anything, a fact Rachel regretted the very moment Larry made his daring escape.
They chased the squirrel out of Ethan's bedroom and down the hall, following it right to the moment is crawled up Peter Gunn's trouser leg.
Their father exited the kitchen and Rachel heard the door to his study slam shut.
Rachel stared at Ethan for some time before she decided to say anything but when she opened her mouth Ethan held up his hand, “Not right now, Rach.”
Rachel closed her mouth and just stood there, listening to her steady breathing, wishing she could figure out a way to help him.
“You coulda stuck up for me, ya know.” Ethan was still mad and looking for someone to take it out on, Rachel being the only convenient target at the moment.
“He made some decent points.” Rachel’s voice was softer than normal, she didn’t want to hurt Ethan’s feelings any more than what had already happened but she did want him to see a little bit of reality. Yes, their father’s delivery had been wrong, but couldn’t Ethan see the logic behind it?
He was twenty-two years old; he needed to stop acting like a child.
Ethan glared at her and crossed his arms over his chest. “You would say that, you get everything you want, Rose.”
Rachel felt her facial muscles twitch at the nickname Ethan pulled out whenever he was angry with her or felt mistreated. He had come up with name after seeing a few episodes of The Golden Girls and decided that it fit Rachel just fine.
He was acting like a sulking little boy and now he wanted her to be just as upset with him as he was at her, that way they could get the fight out of the way and over with.
It was a vicious, dangerous, cycle the entire family lived in. They picked at one another to cause reactions and then delivered tremendous blows once there was any sort of conflict.
Rachel twisted the ring on her index finger around anxiously and she stared at Ethan, willing her spirit to calm down, to not give in to Ethan’s baiting in front of guests.
For the first time, Rachel noticed that Logan was in the kitchen with them. Had he been there the whole time?
Kelly leaned against the door frame that lead from the living room the kitchen and he stared at her with those penetrating green eyes.
He had wanted her to stay on the stairs, to not make a sound so that he could protect her from the argument, but couldn’t he see? Didn’t he already know? This is the way it had always been. She lived in this mess; there was no protecting her from it. There was just surviving it.
There was just waiting it out till something better came along.
Rachel used to be able to escape to Phillips; she could make her father proud from a distance and not have to worry about all the different ways that she could disappoint him. All she had to do was everything that she could. And it was easy to an extent. It had always been easy.
Except when it wasn’t.
Except when everything she did was just below his standards, then she endured the quiet rage as she was lumped in with her delinquent brother.
“How did he think we were going to get here?” Ethan was scowling. “If he didn’t know about the van, why the hell did he even agree to let us stay here?”
Rachel had no response for him; she just stood there, praying that Logan and Kelly would forget all of this. Praying that this had never happened in front of them.
“Do you want to leave early, dude?” Logan was trying to be consoling, but his tone was flat, uncomfortable. No one knew what to do in this situation.
Ethan slid his eyes from Rachel to Logan and then back again. He seemed to mull over this option he was just presented for a moment before speaking again.
“I need a break.” Ethan grumbled out, grabbing his car keys and heading for the door.
Logan took one look at Rachel and gave a half-hearted shrug before following his friend out the back door.
The door slammed behind Logan and Rachel gave a small jump. She was working extra hard to maintain the facade in front of Kelly, but she really just needed him to leave now.
She needed to be able to be herself, alone and on her own so that she could bounce back from this whole catastrophe, why couldn’t he see that? She needed some air to breathe.
“You alright?” Kelly’s voice was soft and she knew he was trying his hardest to make things right for her, even if it wasn’t his place to do so.
She forced a smile, the same one she always did when things like this happened, “Of course, just a little family drama, nothing I can’t handle.”
Kelly knew that she was lying she could see it in his eyes.
“Do you wanna get outta here?” His question was more than a question and she felt it in her core.
He was offering her a life raft from the dysfunction.
Rachel’s stomach twisted in guilt as she thought about that and she had to push through once more to gain the upper hand. She had left Phillips for a reason. If she backed out now everything would be wasted. Everything she had done would mean nothing.
“Kelly, we’re not friends.” Her voice was low in the back of her throat, her words hollow. “Stop acting like it.”
Kelly’s eyes narrowed at the rebuff, “Listen, Rachel this doesn’t have to be about Jefferson.”
Rachel stared at him, her mouth a small line across her face. It would always be about Jefferson. That was a fact neither one of them could escape. “Just leave me alone, Kelly.”
Rachel didn’t wait for a response before she walked back to her room, far away from the dysfunction of her family and the mess with Kelly. She could feel him boring holes into her retreating back but she couldn’t give in now. Rachel had made all these decisions too long ago to change them now.
She looked at the unopened letter on her night stand.
Why couldn’t anything just stay buried?
Chapter Four
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
August 12th 2008
Rachel
Maybe it was the way the sunlight caught his eyes that early morning, or maybe it was the sweat he was so unashamed of that clung to the golden curls of his hair and dripped down whenever he jostled his head. Whichever, it seemed Rachel was smitten with Ryan Prescott from the very beginning and nothing would ever tear her away.
Not to mention that Ryan Prescott came from a very good stock, something her father would find admirable and her mother would see as acceptable. He received well enough grades and was active in just enough extracurricular activities to be deemed desirable by all counts on Rachel’s list of required attributes. He had even placed high in several advanced classes, classes that Rachel herself had fought to get into.
