by Laura Gibson
May 14th 2010
Ethan
Ethan pushed the sweaty curls of golden hair out his face and wiped up the excess fluid from around the crack in his radiator with a black shop rag.
He sighed heavily and picked up a flat head screw driver and started to score the edges around the crack, hoping he wasn’t going to further damage the old part.
He applied the JB Weld and again prayed for a miracle.
He needed his van to be able to go on the trip cross country and he needed the trip more than he’d like to admit.
His cell phone vibrated in his pocket and he ignored it, knowing it would just be his mom. Or his aunt. Or one of those overly pushy church ladies that always seemed to want to give his family casseroles.
“Looks good.” Logan’s voice sounded from behind him and Ethan turned around to greet his old friend with a lopsided grin.
“It’ll have to do.” He managed to sound more confident than he felt in that moment. It was always up to Ethan to be the nonchalant one. The one that had no fears and all the answers.
He was Ethan Gunn, and he knew exactly what that meant.
The soft summer breeze cooled his brow and he tried not to think of what it was going to be like, leaving this place and going back home.
He hadn’t been back there in years, and now, he had decided to spend three whole months there.
Not really like he had a choice, Ethan relented, mom was becoming unbearable and he just needed some time to figure things out. Figure things out. Ethan sighed; he made it seem so simple.
“Is Kell coming tonight, or are we on our own?” Ethan knew Kelly wouldn’t be there, he wasn’t really the moral support type of guy, but sometimes it was nice to have people on your side, cheering you on.
Logan shrugged, trying to look passive, but the darkening of his brow said it all, “Nah man, he said something about having other stuff to do.”
Ethan tried not to look too disappointed, it wasn’t supposed to be in his nature to care about these things, he was supposed to be the happy carefree one, the one that did whatever he wanted and didn’t worry about the little stuff that could potentially hold him back.
Well, that was all nice in theory, but Ethan had come to the realization he couldn’t really live his life that way, not really.
He wanted more than what he had given himself. He wanted to be the type of person his parents could be proud of.
Ethan wasn’t sure when it had exactly started, but there was a different sort of feeling in his chest, a kind of drive that his mom had never really pushed out of him, one his father had berated him for not having.
He wanted to stop being Ethan, the sloppy, underprepared brother, and he just wanted to be Ethan. He wanted to grow up.
It had really started two years ago, when Rachel got kicked out of Phillips and immediately cashed in all her credits for an early graduation.
That’s when Ethan knew he had screwed up.
If Rachel could do it, why didn’t he?
So Ethan got a job. Not a fancy job, just one at a local diner.
But it was a good start and he felt like he was actually accomplishing something.
Logan and Kelly had always encouraged him, but Kelly was always on the fringe of the group, the one that hung around, but was never really a part of it.
Ethan bought the van with his own money he had made from the diner and spent nights trying desperately to get it to run.
Thankfully, his efforts always seemed to pay off when he put it towards his baby and he was proud.
It was almost like a boost in confidence.
Then his dad had called him.
‘Get your G.E.D.’ were the orders Ethan received before noticing a slim envelope in the mail from his father.
A check to pay for the classes and tests.
Ethan was skeptical at first but he cashed it and decided, for the first time, to actually listen to his father.
Now.
Well, now it was the night to take the last big test. The one that would tell him whether or not he was going to get his G.E.D.
He had asked Logan and Kelly to wait for him outside, to maybe celebrate if he got it... or get flat out wasted if he didn’t.
“Well, maybe he’ll show up, anyways.” Ethan flashed another grin. He decided to change the subject, talking about their next big move. The trip his mom begged him not to go on.
It was going to be the last thing Ethan attempted before he settled down for mediocrity- the last big thing to prove to his dad that he hadn’t wasted his life away, which, to be honest, he pretty much had.
“Got everything ready to go?” Ethan asked, his throat dry from the summer heat and his own anxiety regarding all the upcoming events.
Logan made a face, “I think the beast could use a couple more test runs.”
Ethan felt the sweat on the back of his tee shirt cool and stick to his skin; it was uncomfortable and refreshing all at the same time.
“We’ll see what happens.” Ethan said, getting into the fridge and looking for something eat.
He heard Logan sigh and had to laugh, “Logan, it’s alright, we’re gonna do just fine.”
Logan raised an eyebrow, “That’s what you said last time.”
“How was I supposed to know the radiator was cracked?” Ethan asked, incredulous.
The last time they had tried to drive the van anywhere it had broken down in front of biker bar no one had ever heard of. That day was full of an unusual amount of miscommunications and shenanigans.
All three friends had ended up being banned from the bar and Kelly had to spend the night in jail. It was not something they looked back on fondly.
Logan poured himself a glass of lemonade and took a seat at the island in the kitchen. He stared at his glass and didn’t say anything for a long time. “I mean, I know we have to.” His voice was lower, “It’s just. What about Kelly?”
Ethan met Logan’s worried expression head on, ready to combat any other protest that might come from his best friend's mouth.
But none came; they just sat there in silence, letting the hum of the air conditioning unit drone on in the background.
Both of them were thinking about the upcoming trip and the things Kelly had told them just the other night.
Kelly had never met Rachel, or at least, not the Rachel Ethan called his sister.
He had always been upstate visiting family whenever Rachel would come around and so when he finally saw a picture of her, he was shocked, if not completely floored.
That’s when it all came out.
That’s when Ethan knew that his sister wasn't really his sister anymore. She was a different sort of creature, she had become secretive. But she wasn’t different. Was she? Rachel had always had her own way of doing things.
He knew that if Rachel wanted him to know, she would have told him, so he decided not to bring it up. To pretend like he didn’t know anything, but it was harder than he originally thought.
The entire scandal had flipped in front of his eyes and he understood why Phillips kicked her out, and why she didn’t fight it.
But for the time being, he still had to be Ethan. Charming, happy-go-lucky Ethan. The sloppy older brother that could never get his life together, because then she would feel comfortable and then maybe she would tell him.
Ethan took a sip of his own lemonade and looked out the kitchen window, at the wind chimes Rachel had made when she was four and still attempting to be creative.
The watercolor paint was chipping off most of the glass pieces Rachel had strung together but there was enough to send sparkles of light cascading on and around the window sill.
Ethan took another sip of the lemonade and tried to hide his disappointment with everything.
He had to do better this time around, he just had to. It wasn’t just him he was trying for anymore, was it? He was Ethan Gunn, damn it, and it was time he started behaving like it.
Ethan’s left hand balled into an angry
fist at his side and he tried to hide the scowl growing on his dirty face, but he knew there was no use. Logan had already seen everything, had already known everything, before Ethan ever had a chance to live it down, before Ethan ever had a chance to digest any of it.
So what was the use in hiding it?
When Kelly had first finished his tale Ethan had slugged him as hard as he could. What other impulse was he supposed to have?
Kelly had said repeatedly that he had tried to protect Rachel, but he didn’t. He had failed. He was a failure and Rachel had to pay for it.
Now, they had barely spoken and Ethan wanted to know just what was going through that man’s head, thinking it was okay to let Rachel make the decisions for everyone. Thinking after everything that happened she was in the right frame of mind to think logically.
Ethan shook his head and tried not to let the anger get the best of him. But it boiled deep and he knew it was only a matter of time before it came out again.
Chapter Ten
Phillips Academy
Charleston, West Virginia
October 6th, 2008
Rachel
Rachel couldn’t stop thinking about all the information that she had acquired over the past few days pertaining to Kelly Hill. She knew more now than she did before, but that didn’t make him any less enticing. If anything, she only wished to know him more. Or more of him.
She sat in Phillips extensive library that morning with the sole purpose of distracting herself from Kelly Hill, but she kept finding herself going back to one of the library’s computers, typing Anna’s name and stopping herself. Did she really want to read about it? Did she really want to delve deeper into a world that she didn’t understand?
Rachel typed in ‘Anna Hill, death’ and held her mouse over the search button, weighing her options. She could press enter. She could learn as much as she possibly wanted to and then Kelly would cease to be a mystery and she would be allowed to move on with her life. Or she could just walk away and forget the whole thing.
She could move on completely and let sleeping dogs lie. This wasn’t her fight. This wasn’t her drama. This, whatever it was, was between Jefferson and Kelly. If Rachel inserted herself into the argument things might get even messier.
Kelly had already proved he was ready to come to blows about the whole issue, what would happen if a third party started trying to find things out that were none of their business? What if Kelly came out looking worse off than Melody had tried to paint him as? What if Rachel found something she wasn’t ready to handle?
Rachel bit her lip and closed the browser window. It wasn’t her place to go prying. No matter how much she wanted to know she knew if she was meant to know, she would find out sooner or later. It would just be for the better if she returned to her studies and tried to move past everything.
Jefferson had asked her not to talk to Kelly and Rachel was going to try and honor that. Jefferson had always been kind to her; there was no reason to doubt his motives. And it wasn’t Jefferson that had become violent with someone. It wasn’t Jefferson that was trying to hide something from everyone.
Rachel bit the inside of her cheek and started to gather up her things for the day. She needed to find something else to fill up her time; otherwise she was just going to think the problem to death. Otherwise it was never going to leave her mind and she knew sooner or later she’d end up looking up Anna’s death, hoping it would give her some sort of closure to the Kelly dilemma.
Rachel walked out of the library and hugged her books to her chest tighter, wishing again that she had never signed up for a roommate. She didn’t want one. She had never wanted a friend before. She had never needed a friend. Now, look at the trouble she had gotten herself in.
Friends, boyfriends, they were all more trouble than they were worth and Rachel just didn’t want to deal with it.
As Rachel walked she thought back to the conversation she had had with Kelly on her favorite bench and found herself smiling.
“Just know that there’s someone out there that doesn’t care.” He had said, half joking. But the sentiment hadn’t been lost on her.
Oh, to be able to live in a world where it didn’t matter what she did. Where she didn’t have to work at impressing anyone and she could just be for a while. What a beautifully simple idea.
Rachel found herself taking the long way around, just so she could pass by that very bench and was very surprised to see someone was already sitting in it, as if he had never left.
“Well, Mister Hill.” Rachel stopped in front of him, the smile on her face genuine despite the conflicting emotions in her mind, “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
“And yet here I am.” Kelly was smiling, his green eyes sparkling in the midmorning light.
“Yes you are.” Rachel laughed; she was sitting down next to him before she really knew it, letting her guard down.
“I can’t say that I wasn’t hoping you’d stop by today.” Kelly leaned back on the bench and put his arms up. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve got any other reason to visit Phillips.”
Rachel blushed and looked down at her lap. At one time she could be thinking Jefferson was probably right in telling her to stay away from Kelly and then in the next one she would never feel more comfortable than when she was sitting next to him, as if they had been old friends for years. “Well, I can’t say I’m not glad to see you, too.” She looked at him, her lips still smiling, still happy to know he was there.
Kelly’s eyes were kinder than she thought they would be, after everything she had learned about him. They were gentle eyes that still managed to dance even though the sadness pulled them down slightly at the corners.
“So, Rachel Gunn, what are you up to today?” Kelly asked, looking at her books.
“Just the same as before.” She put one hand on her books and left the other underneath them, holding them in place, “Still trying to be somebody, I guess.”
Rachel didn’t know why she said that last part, but had to concede, it wasn’t untrue. It was just more honest than what she was going for. How odd was that? The person she had the least reason to trust was also the person that made her feel the most comfortable.
“Well, if it’s any consolation, I already think you’re somebody.” Kelly gave her a crooked grin, “But that might not be much, coming from a guy like me.”
“And why do you say that?” Rachel asked, wondering if she was going to finally get the full story about Kelly Hill or if she was going to have to do more digging.
“Because I’m just a man.” Kelly’s smile grew sadder, as if he was feeling the truth in his words, “And in this world that doesn’t add up to much.”
“Well, it means something me.” Rachel wasn’t smiling anymore, her face had grown serious and she wanted him to know she meant it. It did mean something to her. It meant a lot.
They sat on the bench in silence for a little while before Rachel decided it was time to broach the subject that plagued her mind. But she had to know. She just had to.
“My roommate is Melody Jeffords.” Rachel started and noticed Kelly shift, but said nothing. “And she’s dating Jefferson Williams.”
Kelly sniffed and looked straight ahead. “And you want to know if any of it is true? Right?” His tone was flat, monotone and unbroken.
Rachel bit her lip again but she knew it was already too late, she was already committed. “Well, I’m sort of seeing Ryan Prescott.” She looked at him sideways, seeing what sort of reaction that would cause.
Kelly smirked, “I already knew that one.”
Rachel nodded, “And I saw you. The other night when you punched Jefferson Williams.”
That made Kelly grin. “Yeah, that happened.”
“Melody told me you were a creep and Jefferson asked me not to talk to you.” Rachel was honest. She had no real reason to hide anything from him, so she wasn’t going to try. If they didn’t want Rachel to repeat any of this information, they should have said so. Or th
at was how Rachel reasoned away her feelings of guilt at betraying her friends’ confidence.
Kelly shrugged. “Melody’s probably right, depending on who you ask, and Jefferson wouldn’t want me to talk to anyone he likes.”
“But is it true? Are you really that bad of a guy?” Rachel’s brow furrowed, Kelly’s cavalier attitude about his character was throwing off her judgment, why wasn’t he trying harder to defend himself?
“No.” Kelly shook his head, “At least, I don’t think so.”
“Ryan told me about Anna.” Rachel pushed at last, bringing up the last bit of information she had.
Kelly nodded, “Yep. That’s where it would all lead back, isn’t it?” He sighed and rubbed his face in his hands, “You know, you just want to let something go and it just keeps coming back. It’s one hell of a thing.”
“I’m sorry.” Rachel felt the reproach, “I shouldn’t have brought her up.”
“No. You’re fine, Rachel.” Kelly gave her another sad smile, “It was bound to come up sooner or later.”
Rachel put her hand on his knee, trying to comfort him, but not knowing how.
“You know, when you have an older sibling you expect them to be able to tell you right from wrong and show you the right way to go.” Kelly swallowed, “But Anna was never like that. She was a year older than me, but I always felt like I was the one making sure we made it home safe every day.”
Rachel could relate to that, Ethan had always been the same way. He was one step behind in the responsibility department. Always had been, always would be. “I have a sibling like that,” she offered, trying to connect.
“What are they like?” Kelly asked, trying to deflect the topic from his own familial tragedy.
Rachel shrugged again, “To be honest, I don’t really know anymore. We don’t really have a relationship. Haven’t for some time now.”
Kelly nodded, “Why?”
Rachel shook her head, trying to figure out a good way to answer his question, but there were no simple words for him. “Our parents are divorced and live across the country from one another; consequently we live in different places. There’s really no time for us to do the whole bonding thing.”
