by Laura Gibson
Rachel had always prided herself as being the one more grounded in reality out of the two, but looking back on it now, she realized they were more the same than she had once given Melody credit for.
She just kept her hopes and dreams more tight-lipped than Melody had. So close to the chest no one even knew half the things that Rachel wanted to happen with her life.
Now, with the new school year beginning and Melody busy with what she described as an epic love, Rachel was left to dream alone. Tagging along in the shadows; included, but never really noticed.
But it was alright, she preferred it this way. With everything falling into place she was able to get completely lost in her education, in her own version of happiness.
That was until Ryan Prescott noticed her.
Until he gave her that lopsided grin that made her feel weak in the knees.
After that she was sold on the idea that there was more to life than just what she had worked for. And then she met Kelly Hill and she realized how closed off she truly had been.
With these realizations Rachel was able to understand something about Jefferson Williams she probably would have never seen before. But by that time it was too late. Even after all the sacrifices Rachel made, she was too late.
With her silence she hoped he would be just an outcast. An embarrassment. A black spot on the history of Phillips. Nothing more.
In just a few short months, Rachel would be closing the door to her room at Phillips for good. All of her things would be neatly tucked away in cardboard boxes, ready to be shipped. Waiting for her last sign-off. Waiting for her to open them back up in a new place. In a new home.
But at the beginning of October, none of that had happened yet.
Melody still laughed like there was nothing in the world to hold her back and Rachel could join her.
Rachel jogged up to Melody eating on the side of the large white fountain and apologized, out of breath.
“I lost track of the time!” Rachel explained, trying to steady her breathing.
“That doesn’t sound like you.” Melody gave her a quizzical look. “What were you doing that had you so engrossed?”
Rachel sat next to Melody and started to unpack her own lunch. Melody had purchased hers through the school’s kitchen, but Rachel had prepared her own ahead of time. She liked to keep things organized and balanced, including her lunch which was separated by calories and nutrients.
“I ran into someone on my way back from the library.” Rachel opened her yellow tiffin box and slowly began to remove the contents, each one wrapped in deli paper to keep them clean and fresh.
The wind picked up and pushed the water falling from the fountain onto their laps and Melody squealed in surprise while Rachel merely moved from the annoyance.
They relocated a little bit away from the fountain and Rachel watched the wind stir Melody’s blond locks. In her memories, she knew there was something special about this moment, something hidden.
After everything was settled Melody turned back to the conversation at hand, “And who might that be?”
Rachel tried not to smile, but every time she thought about Kelly she couldn’t help herself. He made her feel… important. Like she mattered just because she was there. Not because of who she was, or what she could offer him, but just because she existed. “Don’t be mad.”
Melody squinted, “Rachel Gunn, I told you to stay away from him.” She tried to sound angry, but Rachel could tell that she wasn’t. Not really. Not in so many words. “Kelly Hill is a creep.”
Rachel sighed, “Yeah, you said that. But I think he just might be sad, you know his sister died, right?”
“Yeah, everyone and their mom knows that Anna Hill died with a heroin needle in her arm. Do you not read the newspaper?” Melody sounded more callous about the subject than before.
“So how does that make Kelly a creep?” Rachel asked, wondering if Melody had more information for her or if she was just being bitter.
“You don’t know him, Rachel. Trust me.” Melody was scolding her now. “He’s not the type of person you want on your side, and if you value any of your friendships right now, you’ll stay out of it.”
Rachel stared at Melody, she had never been this closed off before. Usually she was always up for some salacious gossip, ready to spill anything that might have come her way. Why was she keeping so tight lipped now?
Rachel shrugged, trying to drop the subject, but not completely forgetting about it, “I just thought he was an interesting guy.”
“Interesting is not the word I would use to describe him.” Melody’s voice was low as she looked off past Rachel’s shoulder, “But the guys are coming, so I wouldn’t talk about it anymore.”
Jefferson and Ryan joined them in short time, each one smelling like dirt and sweat, having just come from some sort of skirmish out on the lacrosse field.
Primarily, Lacrosse season didn’t begin until spring, but most Phillips boys liked playing a few friendly games year round and so the field was kept open for them, exempting only the winter months, at which point in time the fields were closed down and the boys had to play indoors.
That of course didn’t stop the adventurous few who stomped through the layers of snow just to get a few hours of play in.
“Hey.” Ryan was out of breath, as sweat dripped down from the bridge of his nose, his face was red from exertion and he was beaming at Rachel as if she was the cause for his breathlessness.
“Hi.” She smiled back, her affection for him tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Ryan had brilliant brown eyes that reflected back with bits of bronze and gold glittering in them. Large round orbs of thought and joy. His face was peppered with soft brown freckles and he had an easy gait about him, a nice sort of demeanor that made Rachel feel relaxed and comfortable.
“What are you girls up to?” Jefferson was less appealing looking, with his sharp chiseled features, his hawk-like black eyes and his bulky, yet thin, frame. He wrapped his toned arms around Melody’s small waist and pulled her backwards into himself.
He kissed her cheek as she laughed and pushed him away, “You’re gonna get my clothes dirty!” Melody scolded him, but Rachel knew it was all an act. She adored Jefferson and his attentions he afforded her; she wouldn’t trade them for the world.
Ryan bent down and snagged a sugar cookie from inside Rachel’s tiffin box and took a large bite before she could protest.
“This is pretty good, Rach.” He nodded his approval. “You make this yourself?”
“Of course I did.” Rachel smiled through her frown at him, “You’d think I’d feed myself prepackaged poison?”
“Hey, I happen to like my poison!” Jefferson argued, laughing, producing a Twinkie from God knows where and taking a large bite, “Makes me feel alive.”
Rachel made a face, “If by alive you mean, slowly dying then sure- it makes me feel that way too.”
Ryan’s phone went off and he checked it.
His face darkened and Jefferson nudged him, “Something wrong?”
“Just my loser cousin.” Ryan shrugged, “Guess he’s visiting Grear or something.”
“Didn’t he set fire to the admissions office?” Melody swallowed a bite of her sandwich, “I thought he was banned from school property?”
Ryan shrugged and shook his head, “Guess not.”
Rachel took a bite of her chicken salad and thought about that. She had heard so many things about Kelly; she didn’t know where he landed on her scale of likable people. In one moment he could be the most charming ever and in the next she was finding out that he was an arsonist.
“Sometimes I miss ol’ Kell.” Jefferson laughed and looked at Ryan, “You know. Pre-Anna.”
Ryan remained despondent. “He’s an idiot, Jefferson.”
“Yeah, but remember how it used to be? After hours, sneaking into the pool, the wild parties. He was a legend.” Jefferson looked almost wistful, an expression that wasn’t lost on the rest
of the group.
“Geez, why don’t you get his number, Jefferson, sure sounds like you have a crush on him.” Melody teased.
“Ah baby.” Jefferson kissed her cheek, “You know I could never live without you.”
Rachel tilted her head to the side. Something about the tone in Jefferson’s voice told her otherwise.
Later on, she would have wished she had paid more attention to that tone. She would hear it more frequently as the year went on, always on the last hint of his breath; he was hiding the truth from everyone till the end.
Jefferson was gifted with the idea he was invincible and that nothing could touch him, but when he put that idea to the test there were a few people who planned on standing in his way.
Rachel just wished they had tried a little harder.
Agoura Hills, California
June 11th 2010
Kelly
Kelly wanted to help Rachel but he didn’t know how. They both had held onto their secret for so long he had thought it made them connected in some way, but seeing her like this, looking at what it did to her, it made him feel anything but a connection.
She was alone in her grief and her despair and he was wallowing in his guilt and they were separate from one another. An overwhelmingly large part of him wanted to go to her, to hold her again, but the emptiness in her soft eyes begged him to stay away, to hold his ground and watch her fall apart.
He had kept his knowledge of what had happened between Rachel and Jefferson to himself because Ryan had begged him to and because Rachel had refused to say anything herself, so he decided it wasn’t his place.
He took the money the Williams offered him and he went with the story Rachel had cooked up in that pretty little head of hers, because he didn’t know what else to do. He thought it would all blow over, like more over privileged rich kid problems did, but it didn’t and now look at the mess they were in.
Someone had died because he didn’t say anything. Because no one said anything. Because he was too pissed off at Casimir to remember that he still held all the cards.
Kelly swallowed and cleared his throat. His hand gripped the door frame for all he was worth, holding himself back.
Then her eyes cleared and she was shattering, the air barely making it to her lungs. “Kelly, I-” She tried to force out but he knew there was nothing past those two words. There was no statement she could form that would make her world seem any less broken.
He felt his body move towards her and his arms found their way around her small frame, holding her together, trying to steady her. “I know.” He whispered the only words he could think of, the only words that were echoing in his mind, his lips brushed the top of her golden hair with a light kiss, one he couldn’t hold back, “I know.”
It wasn’t like he meant anything by it. But she was his idea after all. His interesting, beautiful idea and he had watched her hurt in more ways than he thought a normal person should have to endure.
He had witnessed her strength and her resilience, and then, he had seen why. Why she felt the need to protect a place like it was a person. Rachel was more than an idea now. She was a promise, one he felt in his bones. One that he had to protect. She wasn’t just one more commitment in a long string of commitments; she was an ideal he had reached for. And now it she was breaking apart in front of him.
Kelly felt her put her full weight into the embrace and really hold him back, as if she could read his thoughts, as if she knew he would do whatever it took to make her feel whole again.
This was a decision she had made, but she didn’t have to live with the consequences alone.
“I didn’t know.” Her faint whisper was barely audible as her shaky breath warmed his shoulder.
Kelly pulled her in tighter, trying to transfer his strength to her. Trying to be what she needed. “It’s gonna be okay, Rachel.”
There was a creak on the stairs and Kelly felt Rachel lurch beneath him, pulling away, severing the briefest of connections. The movement jolted him back into the true reality of the situation and he turned to see Ethan and Peter standing there, staring at them. Not them. They were staring at her. Waiting for her to say something.
Kelly looked back to Rachel and saw the fear in her clear blue eyes disappear as she replaced it with something more dignified. She smoothed her dress and twisted her gold watch around her wrist.
When she spoke she wasn’t afraid anymore. She had changed in the blink of an eye, had hidden away under the surface of a pristine mask and now presented herself as the true Phillips girl that she was.
“Does anyone know what happened yet?” Her sentence was only there to buy her more time. The TV said what happened, and both she and Kelly knew just who was to blame, but she needed time. She was processing everything in that peculiar brain of hers.
“I just got the call before I saw it on the news.” Peter was the first to answer her. Ethan met Kelly with accusatory eyes, as if he was to blame for what had happened. As if he could have done something to stop it.
“What call?” Rachel asked, her voice soft, she swallowed and blinked and Kelly could see everything whirling behind her eyes as she thought of every possibility, every avenue of action she could take from this point. Because there was no going back now. It wasn’t Rachel that Jefferson was trying to hurt anymore. She couldn’t make the same mistakes that she had before.
Kelly swallowed his own guilt and tried not to hold eye contact too long with Ethan; instead he concentrated on Peter and what he was saying. What was he saying?
“Headmistress Grear called.” Peter started, “She thought you would have already known. She thought the Jeffords would have told you by now.” Peter cleared his throat, “That is to say, there’s going to be a memorial at Phillips for Melody and they'd like you to speak.”
For a fraction of a second Kelly thought Rachel was going to lose the mask she had so painstakingly constructed. He watched it crack and tremble, as if something were slamming into a marble wall. It shuddered and bowed and Kelly felt his frown deepen. Rachel’s lip twitched and her eyes narrowed. But it was only for the tiniest of moments. Then she was back on top, answering just like she knew she should.
“I was expelled from Phillips.” Rachel replied, “It would be impolite to talk.”
“Well, you were also Melody Jeffords’s friend and I think that’s what Grear is going for here. I mean, Melody was your friend, wasn’t she?” Peter’s question was innocent enough, but Kelly saw the blow to Rachel’s conscience. Wasn’t that the question on Rachel’s mind right now? Was she Melody’s friend? Would friends have made this mistake?
Kelly wanted to step closer to Rachel, but he didn’t have the right anymore. There were other people here now. The secret connecting them had to remain just that. Kelly looked at Ethan again and Ethan crossed his arms. There would be a conversation about this later. Probably more than one.
“Of course she was.” Rachel swallowed again, no doubt her nerves getting the better of her. “But that doesn’t mean they want me there.”
“Rachel.” Peter’s tone had changed to one of lecturing, “I think you have an obligation here. Not only to yourself, but to Melody.”
This was the father that made Ethan roll his eyes and set his shoulders. This was the side that couldn’t understand there was anything beyond social obligations. Everything was a test. Everything was a show. Appearances were the only thing that kept anyone safe.
Kelly saw Rachel stiffen at the instruction, but she couldn’t argue, she could only agree, because after all, she felt the very same way. “You’re right.”
Kelly looked from Rachel to Peter and then back again. Was he really right? Did Rachel have an obligation here? Did he know what had transpired that night? Was he there when Jefferson put his hands around her throat in the back of a car? Did Peter know about any of it? Or was he just assuming Rachel had dropped the ball somewhere along the way?
He wanted to say something, but every part of himself was begging hi
m to be quiet. He had listened to part of himself too much lately. The part that told him to go where he wanted. Do what he wanted. Say everything that was inside of him to say.
Slowly, the conversation moved away from Rachel’s obligations. She would be going to back to Phillips and that would be that. There would be no more discussion on it. Both Rachel and Peter had their similar minds made up and no amount of nervous looks from Ethan or Kelly would change them.
Kelly wondered where Logan had gotten off to in the revelation the afternoon had brought and for a split second he wished the kid was still hanging around. Still causing a distraction. Still letting Kelly take a backseat to interacting with Rachel so he could just observe her. Understand her. Enjoy her company without having to say anything. That was the deal they made.
Peter, feeling his fatherly duties had been fulfilled left the room and Ethan and Kelly were left alone with Rachel.
Everyone knew the truth but no one was going to say anything. Not yet, not when the wound was still so fresh.
Rachel cleared her throat, and put one hand on her hip while the other hand rested lightly on her mouth. “I have some packing to do.” Her voice was shallow and she was avoiding eye contact, but Kelly got the message.
He nodded at Ethan and signaled for them to leave.
“You gonna be okay, Rach?” Ethan persisted. He was her brother after all, and Kelly knew he couldn’t just leave her like that. Rachel had her obligations and so did Ethan. Rather unfortunate circumstances.
Rachel’s blank expression softened into a light smile, one meant to relax the receiving party, “I’m fine, Ethan, just a little shocked is all.”
Ethan did not return the smile, and with a hard face he managed to find the words in his throat to concede, “If you need anything, you can talk to me, okay?”
Rachel nodded, trying to sooth him, trying to comfort him. “Thanks.”
Kelly nudged Ethan’s elbow and again hinted at them heading towards the door. This time Ethan listened and exited with Kelly, leaving the broken girl on her own to process what was happening.
