by Leaona Luxx
“My self-worth came from sex. I often cried after, no matter the age. I determined each path my life took was something I had to pay penance for. I owed it. After my second pregnancy, I was just the whore in town. Huh, no one ever asked me anything; they just assumed I was bad, dirty even. Every man in town knew that if they gave my brother drugs and he couldn’t pay, he would make me. I came to expect it, accept it.
“You see, once I didn’t deserve anything more in others eyes, the more I gave up. Oh my God, don’t you see? Do you not understand? I let it happen. Hoping one day someone would fall in love with me. It’s all I had to offer. I wasn’t pretty. Never have I been intelligent or have a special skill. I could be a concubine, a whore, a receptacle for every piece of trash that pretended they wanted me because I didn’t deserve better.”
“When I met Lath’s father, he told me repeatedly that he loved me. I’d never been told, and by then, Cole had grown old of me. He made me feel he loved me; at least I thought it was love. It started with a smack on the back of the head for something stupid I had done and then, before long, I laid still while he would beat and kick me. I was numb. Dumb.
“How could I put my kids through this shit? I’ve been such a bad mother, letting them be near it. Letting them be near me; I’m no good. I don’t deserve to be their mother. I’ve made so many mistakes with them, never giving them the life they deserve. And still, I bring this on them, around them.”
“Can’t you understand, it’s my destiny for who I was, what I’ve done? I loathe myself each and every day for who I am. My parents died knowing I was nothing; they died with the embarrassment of me being their daughter. Each of my children has a different father, and I’ve never known a more disgraceful, undeserving mother.
“I’m responsible for your sister almost losing her life. Your hotel, I cost you that money. Luckily no one was hurt. Why would you want me? For how long? Until people find out? I don’t deserve one good thing, ever.
“Do you know what Cole did to me? What he was doing to me when Thayer came in? Taking what was his. He came through the fucking open back door. You know, the door you have repeatedly told me to lock. Punching me in the head, time after time. Just like he use to do, so no one could tell he hit me. Until I blacked out and hit the floor. He was on me, with my panties off and my face in the dirt. I fucking deserve whatever I get in life that is intent on killing me. I have never deserved a man like you, Malone. Ever.”
One
I stand here, in utter silence, as she rips herself apart. Laying open her deepest, darkest secrets. Telling her to stop, will be detrimental. She needs to bleed, to rid her soul of the poison which is rooted deep within her.
How can anyone as amazing as she is, think, this so called life she has led is what she deserves? How will I ever convince her perfect pout to only show when she wants something from me, to use it for leverage?
What words can describe the way I feel about her? Seeing her for the first time stunned me. There will never be words to do her beauty justice. Never will I find a way to explain to her the deep need to be good she exudes. I stand in awe of her utter devotion to her children, her parents, and the few she calls friends.
She brings me to my knees with a simple smile. The serene, peaceful way she sleeps keeps me up at night to watch the flutter of her eyelashes on the apples of her cheeks. Her love causes me to surrender. The fire in her eyes turns me on so completely, that I dare to ignite it, just so I can watch it burn. Her passion for the life she hopes for her children, makes them feel as if they can do anything.
Still, the one thing I can do nothing about is the sadness of the child robbed so long ago of happiness and the belief she deserves all of the above because of her. Nothing can compare to her.
What do any of us deserve, if not love? She once said, ‘The funny thing about truth- everyone wants to know it but no one wants to hear it.’ Did she include herself? I have to find a way for her to see, she deserves love. Because of these things, not in spite of them. No one deserves love more.
Most importantly, when did love and deserve ever go together. Love deserves more than it ever gets. Love never gets enough time. Love never gets returned equally. Love does not fix a multitude of things. Love is simply love. You love someone the best you can, and that’s all you can do. Love them with all you have. It’s just love. Not perfect, not always pretty. Just love. Just love. Just be love.
Dropping to my knees in front of her, I put my hands on hers as she wrings. Maddening woman, she never looks at me. Please look at me, I’m about to fuck this up, I need you to help me. Help me find a way to your soul. I need to find my voice, to find a way to her. Say something to her.
“I love you. You need not be more than you. At any time, you need to be, be whatever you need; good, bad, wonderful, frustrating, amazing, mother, daughter, lover, fighter, broken, mender, crazy, dreamer, friend, foe, beautiful, ugly, perfect, different… my love. You must always be my love.”
Reaching to wipe her tears away, she tilts her head, looking at me in confusion. “No more crying for you, unless they’re attached to all the happiness your heart can’t contain.” As my own slips away unbridled.
Taking her in my arms, I kiss her face, her nose, cheeks, forehead, chin, and lips. We move in unison to the bedroom, staying in each other’s arms until day breaks. Entwined by our bodies and souls, never uttering another word.
The entire week, the local media, print, and TV, all run stories about The Apex, the wreck, the attacks on Hadlea, my many site issues. All pointing to me, my love life from the last catastrophe and Hadlea.
“How do they get this so fast?” She has no idea what it’s like to have the media around.
My whole life has been nothing but a media shit storm. Growing up privileged isn’t what it seems. Don’t get me wrong; it has its perks, but as with everything, it has a downside. As only my life can, it gets worse, and my parents call.
“Yes. Yes. No. It’ll be fine. She’s doing better. Yes. How about I come to the house? Why are you already there? I should ask. all right. Hold on.”
Turning, I see Hadlea has left the room, so I go looking for her. She’s getting dressed while on her way to the bathroom.
“Hey. My parents are on their way over, is that all right? You don’t have to have them here.” Leaving it there, I mean who would want this?
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I? This home is listed under Emerson’s. It’ll take them a while to figure it out and come this way. And please, call the others.”
Holding her close, I place my lips to her forehead. “Amazing. Thank you. Mother, how close are you? All right, we’re waiting.” Finding clothes, I hurry to brush my teeth beside Hadlea. She looks nervous, and I hate it.
“Please know, you don’t need to do this. We know how to handle this, and it’s fine if we need to regroup and head out.”
“Are you kidding me? No way! do they prefer coffee or tea? I need to get refreshments,” she mentions as we walk through the house. She pauses to pick up the old newspaper and a cup I had, tidying the house up before our families arrive. My heart swells with pride.
“Baby, you don’t need to do all this.”
She lays a pointed stare at me. “I will not have your family in our home and it nasty. Nor will I not have a refreshment. Now, go clean up the foyer; your boots are everywhere.” Smacking me on the ass as I turn, I come to a stop.
“Our home?” Please tell me you said it. “You did say, our home. Why?” There’s my favorite lopsided smile that does me in. God, she is beautiful.
“I said our home. Is that okay? I mean, you’ve kinda moved in. At least you have when I’m not making you leave.” She giggles until my hand lands on her neck, dragging her to me.
“Yeah, our home, baby.” Kissing her madly, I whisper, “Thank you.” Then, I clean the foyer while smiling the whole time.
Here comes the cavalry better known as my family. Now, I’m a little nervous. I have an amazing family but as w
ith all families, they can be a bit overwhelming all together.
Hadlea’s still so fragile, I want, no need her to be okay. “Baby, they’re here,” I say loud enough for Hadlea to hear me in the kitchen. If she cooks the way she did for breakfast, they’ll never leave.
Opening the door, the cars pull up one by one. My parents, Chord, and then Thayer with Hardy, in his truck.
What the fuck? Are they attached at the hip now? “Hey, come on in. Were you followed?”
Chord hops the steps to the porch as he starts talking. “Why hell no, we got this. Where’s my girl? Lea.”
What the fuck? Chord wraps Hadlea in a bear hug. “Get the hell away from my woman,” I growl as I take Hadlea from his grabby hands.
She giggles. “Hey, Chord. I missed you too.” And then she’s passed among the horde.
“If everyone has finished manhandling Hadlea, we should go in the house.” Everyone laughs as she puts her arms around my waist.
“Look over him, he gets a little domineering when people come around hugging me.”
Now the laughter booms through the house, so I grab her and kiss her fiercely.
“Stop running and I’ll stop being demanding.” Kissing her again, she pushes away, pouting.
“Marry her; that’s sure to keep her around,” Chord spouts as Cal’s hand finds the back of his head. Hadlea’s stunned. My smile couldn’t get bigger.
“Don’t tempt me. Please, let’s sit.” Hauling Hadlea through with me, I place her in my lap as we sit.
“Maybe I should sit on the floor or…” I know I have a ‘what the hell’ look on my face.
“No, you’re fine,” I say as I tug her back against me, and she grins.
I place a chaste kiss on the corner of her mouth as she laces our fingers. Finally, our attention is on my family, and they watch us until my mother speaks.
“It’s so nice to see you smile.”
Glancing at Hadlea, I reply, “Beautiful smile.” Her mouth goes wide.
“I was talking about you, Malone. Hadlea always smiles when she looks at you.” What’s she saying? I smile all the time, don’t I? Hadlea smiles very little, doesn’t she?
“I’m confused. What do you mean?” Chuckling can be heard around the room as Cal starts.
“You never smiled before Lea, Malone. Ever. Lea, on the other hand, smiles for you. When she looks at you, she smiles.” Looking in her glistening eyes, I see her smile now.
“You do? You smile for me?” Chord and Hardy make gagging sounds until Thayer smacks them.
“Yes, dear. Lea smiles for you. Now, you smile for her. I really like it; you two are so natural with one another.”
Movement behind my mother gets my attention. There’s a car in the drive and another behind it; the boys.
“Did you?” Hadlea asks.
“No. You didn’t?” Shaking her head, she walks to the door with me close behind.
We make way for the boys as they come through the door.
“Aunt Thayer texted, said to get over here. Everyone good?” Aksel asks, leading the charge with Lath, Hawk, Willow, and Em in tow.
“It’s fine. Just a presser to bring everyone up to date on the media,” we explain as we make our way around to each of them.
“Since when do you call Thayer, aunt?” Hadlea asks quizzically. Thayer laughs but my mother answers.
“Since we said they could. Now get over here and give Grandmother a kiss.” My mother, Elise announces, and they oblige her. Hadlea is full on crying.
“Should they go? Are you okay?”
“We may need to add on if this family gets any bigger.” Hadlea gives me a heartwarming smile, followed by a sweet kiss.
“Well, good thing your future husband can do it,” Thayer pipes up.
“And yours can help,” Hadlea quips with my favorite impish grin.
“Okay. Let’s get on with this; Hadlea’s made a mountain of food.”
Lath jumps up. “Mom cooked?” And he’s gone. “Please talk, I can hear.”
Laughter fills the room again. This is good. Sitting with Hadlea draped over me, I stroke her hip and thigh.
We have an attack plan and process for these type of things. Hadlea and the boys take it all in, making sure to ask questions about protocol. They work like a well-oiled machine.
“Lea, you have amazing children. Well-deserved for a job well done,” Cal states. My chest swells as Hadlea beams with pride. “They are a wonderful family, Malone. Congratulations.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Lea
Looking around the room, I take in my family. Malone’s convinced we can work things out. Sitting here now, I’m beginning to believe him.
We can do this, have a life together. My children love him and he obviously adores them. His eyes light up when they’re around. They all banter and talk with one another. A connection, deep and filled with love and respect.
I find myself dreaming of a long life with Malone, so full of love that I lose sight who I once was. A love deserving commitment and faith. Faith in one another, in our feelings for each other. I love him. I love Malone and can’t see my life without him.
Almost on cue, dread fills me. The dark that fills the corners of my life begin seeping out. How am I supposed to do this? Why would I ever think I deserve a life like this, with Malone? Once all of my deep, unforgettable secrets come to light, he’ll be gone. Never want me again.
I try to push those thoughts away but knowing Cole, he’ll want to talk. All hell will break loose. I know I’ll lose Malone.
Cole destroyed more in me than anything or anyone else. He terrifies me with the things he knows, the things he can take away from me. He’s done it before, and I have no doubt he’ll do it again.
He’ll do it because he can, no other reason. He’s that much of a fucking asshole. He comes to seek and destroy, to kill and maim. To claim what he believes to be his. I never have been, but he can’t be told that; he’s dangerous. Ruthless.
His want for me goes beyond all understanding. Or at least my understanding. He’s sickening and I need to rid myself of his sickness, once and for all. I’m finished with his ownership of my life.
My stomach begins to revolt in earnest when memories of him touching me surface again. I try to push them down but they consume me. He consumes me, leaving me destroyed.
How will Malone ever understand it? How will I live beyond it? A constant reminder of all that’s wrong with me. Never being wanted for anything but the vile, disgusting things he wants me for, uses me for.
Cole truly believes he owns me as if I’m property. For years, he left me alone. He became disinterested. I was worthless to him. I was nothing more than a slave, too young to get away.
Now, I have more to offer. More to lose. Disheartened as I continue to think of all the things I have for him to ruin. Level like a nuclear bomb. I’ll never get away from him or his control.
Control over me, of me. Money and power with a side dose of greed is usually enough for most people but Cole’s ownership of me goes beyond all of my understanding.
The only thing keeping him away from us is the money I pay him. A price I don’t mind paying. I tumble into despair. Knowing Cole, he’ll be back. He will come to take away all I have. All I love.
One
Watching our family leave, Hadlea’s in my arms and I feel as if nothing can come between us. Well, nothing but Hadlea herself. As the cars drive away, she turns to walk through the door. I take her hand, holding her to me.
“Hadlea. We’re good. Do you understand?” Placing my left hand under her chin, I raise it until we make eye contact, and her eyes are teaming with unshed tears. “What is it, baby? Please, just keep talking to me.”
Falling into me, she puts her arms around my waist. The floodgates open; I just hold her. She is so broken, helping her to heal will be a long process. I pray we make it through. Hadlea remains pressed to my chest as she begins to quiet; rubbing her back to soothe her, she fidgets. Leani
ng in, I place my lips to her forehead.
“It’s all right, baby. One day at a time; some days it will be a step at a time. Why are you fidgeting?” I ask, continuing the soothing rhythm.
“Why do you keep rubbing my back? My mom used to rub it; why are you doing it?”
Affronted, I lean back to look into her eyes. She’s serious. “Hadlea, you’re upset. Like your mother, I’m doing it to soothe you.”
All the tension drains from her body. It breaks my heart to see she’s never been comforted. Will I be enough to love her how she needs to be? Now, I need to be soothed because that scares the hell outta me.
Walking to the kitchen, we begin to clean in unison. Our families had fed like a starved pack of wolves. Damn. Have I mentioned my woman can cook?
“Hadlea?” Calling her name, I see she’s left me. She’s here but a million miles away. I touch her arm to get her attention. “Hadlea? Baby, where are you?”
She shakes whatever has her deep in thought off, lifting her head to smile wide as she meets my eyes. “Hey. What’s up?”
Trying to remember what she’s been through the past few days, I simply answer, “Bed. Let’s go, woman.”
She bumps me with her shoulder as she passes. “After I race you to the shower.”
Wiggling those eyebrows as her glorious ass squeezes by me. Every nerve ending in my body stands to attention. Her ass was made for me. I bite down hard on my lip, releasing a growl when she hesitates just long enough for her ass to grind back on my cock. Fuck. I’m pretty sure, I’m sprung.
Standing in the bathroom door, I watch as Hadlea undresses. There are a few things the young guys miss about a woman. One of those things is the fact that they know how to be smoldering hot without trying.
Some women put it all out there. That’s fine, but a woman who doesn’t know she’s fucking insanely hot just does something to a man. Maybe it’s the innocence she exudes in the fact she doesn’t realize.
Propping against the door jamb, I settle in for the show. Hadlea slowly shrugs her shirt off, then reaches behind to unhook her bra. The way she bends makes her hips shake, while I harden from the movement. Reaching for her button, she unsnaps it. She begins a shimmy as she pulls her shorts and panties off at the same time.
