by Leaona Luxx
Malone could fix all of this if he’d just give me a damn ring. Oh, no. I’ve become one of those women that need a man. Wait, I do need Malone. I want him. I want to be his, to be attached to him by any means possible.
Why’s it so hard to say we need someone or want someone? He completes me, makes me better. I’m good on my own but with him, I’m better. I’ve never been a person who judged others, to each their own.
It’s just, there’s a predilection of something lacking if you need someone. Well, there is, the person you need. Men seem to get away with it easier than women. Women are so hard on other women. If you sleep with different men, you’re a whore. If you’re a virgin, you’re a prude.
I agree, men have a hand in this type of woman-shaming. Some act as if they can’t marry a woman that’s slept around as much as they have, yet they did it. They screw around and get patted on the back. A woman screws around and gets a scarlet letter on her chest.
I feel as if I’ve hit the jackpot with Malone. He knows most everything about me and still wants me. No, most of my past happened in a totally different manner than the aforementioned, but nevertheless, I did sleep around at one point.
Malone loves me, for me. It doesn’t sit well for my self-loathing I have going on, but it’s all good. He wants me, fucked up or not.
So what’s making me have doubts, even worry all the time? Is it him, has he done something to make me feel insecure? I mean, there’s the whole ring thing but I haven’t even told him it upset me. Does it really matter? Yeah, it does. I want one so badly. For total girl reasons already listed, I want to be his. To have something that says I’m his.
He hasn’t moved in either. He still goes to his damn condo every few days. Why? What’s there? Delaney said a few weeks back he may be meeting a girl there; I don’t think so. Or do I? Hell if I know. Now, I’m driving myself crazy.
Hearing my phone buzz across the room, I go to it, still dazed and aggravated. Delaney, shit. “Hey lady, what’s up?” I try to sound nonchalant.
“I was beginning to think you were avoiding me. How are you?”
“No, of course not. I was just on my way out the door. I’m going to One’s condo to see if I left my earrings over there; can I call you when I get back?” Please, please, please.
“Sure. Hope you find them.” Delaney must end the call because the phone goes dead. Oh, she knows I’m avoiding her, but I just can’t take any more Malone bashing. Not today anyway.
I drive to Malone’s condo, although I could have easily walked the beach. The heat and being pregnant isn’t mixing well, especially over the last few days. Maybe that’s why I’m out of sorts? I can’t find a parking spot the first time, which is completely wrong. Malone has two paid parking spots, he is in one of them and the other has a car I don’t recognize in it.
Finally finding a spot, I walk through the lot to his place. He’s standing with the door open, he’s talking to someone. I see a raven haired, svelte woman leaning into him. Comfortable. She looks happy, I can’t really see his face but she’s with him. With Malone. She’s with my Malone.
What? Everything is blurry, I’m dizzy. It’s the heat. I squeeze my eyes shut and look again. No, I see it. She has her arms around his neck, kissing him. She’s kissing Malone. Does he have his shirt off? I’m going to be sick. I turn and run as fast as I can. At my car, I vomit. Again and again. I wipe my mouth and eyes before driving away.
What just happened? I don’t want to see him. I definitely do not want to talk to him. Where am I going? If I go home, he’ll go there. The boys, Thayer’s or even his mom’s; he’ll find me eventually. I knew it. He was too good to be true. I never deserved to be this happy. I have to find somewhere to go, to think.
My phone begins to ring, and it’s him. I need more time; I need to think. But if I don’t answer, he’ll freak. If I answer, he’ll know and then he’ll freak. What the fuck? I pick up the phone. “Hey.” Doing my best to sound cheerful.
“Hey. Where are you?” Malone sounds concerned.
What’s wrong, asshole, worried I’ll find you with your slut? “Driving. You?” Let’s hear the lie.
“Well, at my condo right now. I want to take you to lunch. Can you meet me?”
The hell you say? He didn’t lie. “Why are you at the condo? Who’s with you?” Shit. Too much.
“I had a call about leasing it. I didn’t realize you’d put it up for lease. I was kinda wondering what that means? You know, since we’ll be getting married soon.”
“Getting married are we, when? I don’t remember setting a date. I don’t remember putting your condo up for lease because I didn’t, and obviously you didn’t either. So, if you’re not leasing it, who the fuck was the woman practically fucking your mouth at the door just now. Because it wasn’t me, although that was obvious, since I don’t have fucking black hair! I don’t even have a ring, so I couldn’t walk up and say he’s mine, see. Now get your fucking hands off him. Yeah, so?” You ever see the movie about flying over the nest? That’s me.
Right. Fucking. Now.
“Baby, are you driving?” Malone’s voice is all alpha.
“What? Am I driving? Yes, sir. I am. Driving away from you. You’re worse than all the rest, at least they didn’t promise me forever.” Silence. He’s either scrambling for an alibi or fuming.
“Hadlea, pull the motherfucker over. Tell me where you are. I’m coming to get you. Now.” Damn him.
“No response. Oh, okay.”
“Hadlea. Please pull over. You’re upset. I’ll tell you everything, but not while you’re driving. Please remember the babies; you don’t need to be upset. You could have an accident!” Malone sounds desperate.
“I’m not stopping until I’m far enough away from you. I can’t believe this; I can’t believe you don’t love me. I am so stupid. I should’ve known. I never deserved you. You’re not taking my babies; you’re just like the rest. Wait. Was that Montgomery at your place?” Pulling off the road, I realize, it was his ex-wife kissing him.
“Hadlea, baby, please. Just stop and tell me where you are. I can explain. There’s no one else, ever. Just you. It’s always been you. You think I saved you? No, baby. You saved me. Please, tell me where you are”
There’s a loud knock on my window, Delaney. She stands there, looking at me.
“Hang up,” Delaney says.
I do. I hang up on Malone. Why? It’s because of me, I know I don’t deserve him.
One
How the hell did I get here? I’m sitting on the side of the highway. I keep dialing her number—straight to voicemail. Fuck. Why was she even at my condo? Hadlea can piss me off faster than a rattlesnake getting stepped on, but damnit— she’s right this time.
If I would have seen a man kissing her, I would’ve flipped shit. But knowing it was an ex-boyfriend would have made me livid. Motherfucker. What am I going to do? I have to find her; I don’t know what I’ll do if she’s hurt.
Spinning my truck around, I floor it to get to the house. Whipping into the driveway, I can see she’s not here. Grabbing my phone, I call the first person I can think of, my mom.
“Hello.”
Just hearing her voice has me ready to break. “Mom. I’ve fucked up.”
Knowing my mother, the curse word would be her last worry. Because I’ve never had to say that to my mom. Even with my first marriage, it was bad but not by my hand.
“Malone, where are you?”
“Hadlea’s. It’s a mess and she has every right to never speak to me again. But Mom, I swear, it’s not what it looks like. She won’t answer my calls, she was driving and crying. What am I going to do? I love her.” Shaking so badly, the words come out as I sob.
“Malone, I’ve sent a text to your dad. Thayer is close by, so wait on her. Hardy said twenty minutes. Your dad needs to know if she was in her car.” As only my mother can do, she handles my shit.
I have no idea. I didn’t see what she was driving, but I’m sure she was. “Yeah
, I guess. I didn’t see her. I may never see her again.”
I need to call the boys; they’ll know where she is. She wouldn’t leave them and not say a word. “I’m going to call the boys, Mom. I’ll wait here.”
“We’ll be there in a few minutes’, honey. It’s going to be okay, Lea loves you. She’ll forgive you.”
Not any more, she is done with me. Hadlea will never recover from this, she was already upset over the ring. I have no idea what I’m going to do.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Lea
Laying here in a state of shock, a wave of nausea washes over me. I sit up, looking for a bathroom. Delaney brought me back to her apartment and left my car back down the road. She lives about thirty minutes away from Cherry Grove, which surprises me. She could be working in Wilmington, save herself about fifteen minutes in commute. I need to go home.
I try to stand but I’m hit with a wave of nausea again. Not eating all day wasn’t the brightest decision. Come to think of it, Delaney hasn’t offered me anything either. Probably because I was so upset, she didn’t think I could handle it. Attempting to stand again, I find my balance and wander through the house. Delaney’s nowhere to be found, neither is my purse. Looking for a phone, I come up empty handed again. What the hell?
“Delaney? Delaney?” I search the place as I call for her. It’s dark outside but I can’t find a clock. Reaching for the front door, Delaney comes through it.
“Hey there, sleepy head. You’re up, can I get you something?” she offers.
“My purse? My phone? A phone?”
“Yeah, I think you left them in your car.” Delaney looks everywhere but at me.
“No, Delaney. I was a little crazy but I had my purse and my phone. Where are they? Fuck it, where’s your phone?”
She exhales turning toward me. “I’m sorry, Lea. I was just trying to protect you; I’ll go get them. What are your plans? I’m sure One has tried to reach you. Are you going home?” What does it matter to her? She is so nosy at times.
“Yes. I’m going home with or without your help. I’m sure One is looking for me, but that’s of no importance right now. I need to contact my boys. They’ll be worried. I appreciate all you’ve done, but it’s time I get home.”
Her eyes narrow, and she looks upset before turning to get my stuff. “I’ll just find your purse.”
As if on cue, there’s a knock at the door. Delaney looks nervous as she opens the door to reveal Aksel and Thayer.
“Hey, Mom. Had a helluva time finding you. You want to come home; we’ve all been worried.” Looking for my purse, Delaney leaves the room.
“Been ready. He’s not there, is he?” Making eye contact with Thayer, she only shakes her head. I’m fine with that, I’m ready to go. I’m out the door.
Once on highway 17, I break the silence. “Where is he?” Thayer clears her throat as she answers.
“Mom has him. Why are you all the way out here?” Thayer asks.
Aksel takes my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “He’s a mess, Mom. Wrecked. What the hell happened?”
Tears spring to my eyes as I struggle for words. Thinking of the way she touched him, kissed him, broke something inside me all over again.
“How did you find me?” Aksel’s grip tightens, I’m not going to like this.
“He had your car and phone tracked. Don’t be too mad, your phone was turned off before we got an address. I’m thankful he thought about name recognition to pinpoint who you were with.”
“Where’s my car?” wiping stray tears as I ask.
“We dropped Hardy off, and he drove it back. We’ve been worried sick,” Thayer chimes in.
“It’s okay, Mom. Later. We need to get you home.”
Once at my house, the boys meet me at the front door. Thayer comes in behind me, and I look around slowly. A noise from the kitchen startles me, and I jump out of my skin.
“Damn it! Sorry, Lea, didn’t mean to scare you.” Hardy walks through and gives me a big hug.
I let it all go, standing here in Hardy’s arms. I miss Malone. They all allow me to cry as long as I want. Finally exhausted, I begin to collapse. Hardy catches me and carries me to bed, Thayer close behind. Hardy soothes me, repeating the only mantra I’m sure he could think of at this minute.
“It’s going to be okay, Lea. It’s going to be okay.”
“I love him, but I’m not good enough.” I’m finished.
Thayer curls up beside me. Lath appears with a washcloth. Thayer takes it and wipes my face. Hardy is rubbing my back as Hawk brings me some water and food. I don’t want to eat, but I know I have to, for the babies. Oh, no.
An hour later, I’ve calmed down enough for the boys to be convinced to leave but Thayer and Hardy promise to stay and to keep Malone away.
I draw myself inward, sinking further in this disparaging mess. I don’t know if I should just talk to him or pack my shit and leave while I have the chance. I cry myself to sleep, thinking of One.
Getting to my feet, I traipse to the bathroom. I just need to shower and eat. But the lack of food and my nerves wreak havoc on my stomach, and I begin vomiting. A quick knock on the door then Hardy’s through it.
“Hey, Lea. Can I help?”
Sitting on the floor beside the toilet, I just look at Hardy. Still crying, I have no answer. Nothing.
“Hey, sweetie, let’s get you up. If you don’t get something on your stomach soon, it’s the ER for you.”
“No. No ER. Malone will come, I just can’t.” Hardy helps steady me as we slowly walk back to my bed. Sitting shoulder to shoulder, he asks what everyone has been dying to know.
“What happened? I’d like to say I know, but even One is slightly confused. He knows what went down on his end and that it’s bad.”
“Well, I left my earrings over there but I really was using it as an excuse to go get some of his things. He has some things here, but I was thinking it was time for him to move in. I don’t know why he hasn’t yet, maybe it’s the reason he hasn’t gotten me a ring.” Hardy sits there, listening.
“I’ve been having doubts. Not about him. I love him. I didn’t know it could feel this way. I’ve never been good enough for him and never would be. He keeps saying I deserve this love, but we all know I don’t. When I turned the corner, he was at his door. Fucking Montgomery all over him, and he was shirtless. They were kissing. Delaney kept telling me One was just like the rest, and she’s right. This whole time, I thought she didn’t like One, but she was right about him.” This time, there are no tears. Just deep hurt. Fear.
“Lea. I know you don’t truly believe he was cheating. I mean, with Montgomery. You, of all people, must understand what she did to him. He spends every minute with you— that you will allow. He would have already moved in but you haven’t asked. He wouldn’t push you. He’s all about making you happy. That shit with Montgomery, he needs to explain, but it most assuredly was not what you think. And the ring, well sis, he’s going to kill me if he finds out I told you, but he has one. Well actually, he has two. The first one wasn’t good enough according to him, so he went all out. It took him a while to get it sorted but trust me when I tell you, you will not want anything else. I’ve been through a ton of shit with him, Lea, and he has never loved a person more than he loves you. He’s wrecked.” Hardy’s a great best friend, but I’m not sure about his words.
“Not so sure about that, although I did think he would be beating the door down by now.” Laughing with me, Hardy nudges my shoulder, jerking his head toward the living room.
“Come here.” He leads me through the house, then directs me to the sunroom. One is sleeping in a lounge chair.
“He promised to be gone if we’d wake him before you knew. He just wanted to be near you, but Thayer promised the boys she would keep him away. The girl’s a bulldog when it comes to you. He loves you. He made us FaceTime him so he could see you sleeping in your bed. Crazy motherfucker was up all night. Every time he heard you whimper, he
looked as though he could die. Just talk to him; you both deserve at least that much.”
Malone lay there, fitful. How am I supposed to do this, be with him? Something deep pulls at me. I miss him. Hardy is right: if Malone wasn’t at work, he was here. Except for yesterday— he was with her. Were there other times? There’s that pull to Malone. This feeling of needing him, wanting to be near him so he can make right.
What the hell is this deep yearning? Whatever it is, it cripples me. Never before in my life did I have a need to be with someone. Feel them against me, hear their voice. I’m not sure what this feeling is, but the only thing that will stop it from consuming me is Malone.
Being in his arms, feeling his hands on me, his voice in my ear, and his words in my soul. I need to be with him. As fast as my feet would carry me and this round belly, I go to him.
Walking through the door, I stop to kneel beside him. Taking a quick look over my shoulder, I see Hardy’s left, and Malone and I are alone for this reunion. Staring at his features, something hits me— he’s frowning. His wavy hair a mess, spikes everywhere. It looks like he’s been pulling it.
Tracing his eyebrows, a heavy yearning pulls in my chest. Curving my finger as it drags along his jawline to his perfect lips. He has stubble on his sculpted chin, and his lips appear dry. Raking my thumb over his full bottom lip as a tear rolls down my face, they begin in earnest, one after the other.
Tearing my eyes away from his lips, I look to his eyes, to find them open. He lay there, as I adore him, tenderly touch him with affection, watching me. When a tear appears and runs down his face, I capture it with my lips. Pressing them to his jaw as my hand wraps around his laying on his chest. He tightens it, it’s as if he’s afraid to move.
“It’s still early. Come to bed, I need you next to me.” The meridian blue ocean search mine for meaning, understanding, forgiveness. Standing, I pull his hand and deliver his most favorite grin.
“We’ll talk later. I just have this need for you to love me, Malone. Please. Come love me until I can love myself. Love me until all my doubts run to their dark recesses. Love me, like only you can.”
