This time, the blackness seems to last only a second or two. And then I’m blinking, pushing myself up off the dirt floor.
“I did it,” I say, momentarily elated. It takes me a second to notice that I’m stark naked. With a shriek of surprise, I turn and run back through the tunnel. I’m naked. I look around the basement and find my clothes in a rumpled pile. My face hot, I hurriedly pull on my underwear and jeans, then my shirt. It’s silly. I know it’s silly. Harmon has seen everyone in the community naked hundreds of times. He’s even seen my identical twin naked, which means he’s basically seen me. It’s nothing to him.
I smooth my hands over my clothes, take a deep breath, and return to the sitting room. “Did you undress me?” I ask when I’m seated opposite him. “When I was blacked out, you took my clothes off?”
“I didn’t look at you,” he says, sounding slightly offended. “It’s like if you needed medical attention. There’s nothing sexy in that context, trust me. I would have been happy to let you do it yourself. But those jeans were not going to do anything but cause a lot of pain when you were transitioning.”
“I guess,” I say, still feeling weird that he’s seen me naked. Of course, I’ve seen him naked, too, when I spied on him. So I guess we’re even.
“I promise,” he says, holding up his hands. “Not that you put much on a promise from me. But really. I wouldn’t look at you like that when you were going through what you did.”
“Okay. I believe you.”
“You’re not the one who has anything to be ashamed of,” he says, turning his attention back to his cards, his face darkening.
“You don’t, either,” I say. “You’re not a wolf or a human, but you’re still you. Like you said to me.”
He snorts and lays down a card. “You’re a beautiful human and a beautiful animal. What do you know about being ashamed?”
“I’m a girl,” I say. “I think it’s in our DNA.”
“Why don’t you ask me what you want to know before you go,” he says, frowning at the card he flips up.
“Am I going?”
Bitterness creeps into his voice. “Why would you stay? I knew the danger when I made you shift. Not just for me, but for the pack. But you said you didn’t want to kill anyone, and I trusted you. There’s no reason for you to stay now. You wouldn’t tell anyone about us, because you’re the same. And you hate it here. You hate us. There’s nothing keeping you.”
“You’re just going to let me go, just like that, after all this time.”
“Yes,” he says, flipping over three more cards. “That’s why I didn’t go get your mother when you asked for her. I knew she’d stop you again.”
“Why let me go now, after holding me hostage all these years?”
“It wasn’t my decision until these last few months,” he says. “I should have made it sooner. But I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know when it would happen. You’re not a wolf, where it happens at the same time every month.”
I run my thumbnail along the edge of the wooden table, leaving a faint line. “How did you know I’d ever shift?”
“You’re a shifter,” he says with a shrug, moving a pile of cards to another. “You’d do it eventually. When it started last night, I knew it was time to let you do it. Time for you to know who you really are.”
“Why now?”
“Why not? I was selfish to keep you here as long as I did. And a coward.”
I smile a little. “I don’t know. You risked me eating your face off.”
“I didn’t want to be alone,” he says, ignoring my attempt at humor, his tone scathing. “So I made you stay with me in this misery. You shouldn’t have been stuck with me for the past two months. But you were. The best I can do now is to make sure it’s only two months, and not two more years.”
“More like sixteen more years.”
Finally, he looks away from his game. He sets his cards down again and pushes up on the edge of the table, bracing his palms on the surface while he navigates his body out of the chair. It’s easier for him now, more normal.
“I think you should talk to your father about that. It probably would have been better if you’d seen him before you shifted. But I told you I’d take you to see him, so let’s do that now.”
“I already found him.”
Harmon pulls up short and studies my face. “Right,” he says. “I forgot. I summoned him in the mirror.”
“You did that? How? And how do I know it’s real?”
“I thought I was the one who had a problem with mirrors.”
“I don’t have a problem with mirrors. I have a problem trusting you. So if you summoned that image, how can I trust that it’s real?”
“Why would I lie about it?”
“Because you knew I could shift into a tiger and eat you. I can’t believe you kept me down here with you for this long.”
“At first, I thought you knew. I figured once you saw your father as a mountain lion, he’d explain it to you.”
“We didn’t have much time for pleasantries,” I say. “First, we were escaping from you, and then we were rescuing Mrs. Nguyen, and then we were being attacked by shifters. The question-and-answer portion of the evening was brief.”
Harmon scowls. “You were escaping from me? In case you forgot, your father is the one who did this to me.”
“Because you were trying to kill me.”
He pulls back, looking genuinely surprised. “Why would I kill you?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because I almost killed your Alpha, who’s basically like your god and master, not to mention that he’s your literal father. And then there was the little matter of me pretending to be Elidi and tricking you into Choosing me at the coronation.”
“I wasn’t trying to kill you,” he says, his voice tinged with hurt. “I followed you to protect you. And I knew who you were when I Chose you.”
“What are you talking about?” I feel my face warming at the thought of that night, of the way Harmon held me, and kissed me until I couldn’t think of anything else.
“I knew it was you.” His eyes search mine, and in them, I see all the hope and fear and vulnerability of that confession written all over his face. “I Chose you for my mate, Stella.”
I don’t have time to ponder the meaning behind some boy’s words, even a boy who kissed me like it was the last the world would ever know. So I just ask. But…why?”
“Because you’re my mate,” he says. “Now that I know you, I know why. And I…I love you, Stella.”
I swallow hard, an ache swelling in my throat. But I have other things on my mind. I still want what I’ve always wanted. And that’s not Harmon.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, and I mean it. “I…I liked being your friend. But I can never trust you again, and I can’t love someone I don’t trust.”
“I know,” he says, his eyes moving away from my face, to his mismatched hands.
“I need to see my father,” I say after a pause. I square my shoulders and force myself to look at him as if he didn’t just tell me he loved me. A year ago, I would have died to hear those words. But things are different now. I’m different. “Not in the mirror,” I add. “Tell my mother to let him go.”
“I don’t know if I can make your mother do anything,” he says slowly.
“Don’t you have power over them? They have to obey you, right?”
“I told you, I’m not the Alpha,” he says, as if pushing the words out is physically painful. His fist clenches. “But I will be. I’ll unite our people with the other valleys. That’s the prophecy, so it will come to pass.”
He sounds more angry than sure.
“Fine, then I’m going out as a tiger,” I say. “It’s on you if I eat someone.”
“Don’t,” he growls.
“You know, you’re pretty loyal considering your pack hid you away in the basement for the past two months.”
“They’re still my pack,” he says. “If I wanted to force them to acknowled
ge me as Alpha, even though my father didn’t confirm me, I could try. But who would follow me? I don’t even have the pack bond yet. That voodoo, as you call it. And I can’t transition. I’m not an Alpha. I’m an abomination.”
“No, you’re not,” I say. “You’re just…you.”
“And I’m doing what’s best for the pack. Waiting to see if I can transition at the next full moon. If I can’t, I won’t be Alpha, and I’ll do what’s best for the pack then.”
I swallow hard, my heart suddenly pounding. “What’s that?”
“I don’t know,” he says, staring down at his cards. “I could leave and become a lone wolf. Maybe I’ll join the goblins. I already live underground. I’ll fit right in.” He smiles, and I can tell he’s attempting a joke. But it makes me ache.
“The pack wouldn’t take care of you?”
“They would,” he says. “But I don’t want to be a burden on them. They’re my pack, whether I’m Alpha or not. They always will be. I’d live and die for them, Stella. This is where I’ll always belong, but if I’m not a wolf anymore, I’m nothing but an inconvenience. I want them to be healthy and happy and complete. A wolf who can’t shift is not helping to make that happen.”
“That’s sick,” I say fiercely. “There should be room for people who aren’t all the same.”
He smiles. “There is. They wouldn’t kick me out. And I’m not angry about leaving. I’d do it because I want to. I will always want what’s good for the whole. What’s best for the pack is best for me.”
“I guess I can’t understand because I’m not a wolf,” I say with a shrug. “I don’t belong to your pack, and I’ll never think that way. And I’m kind of glad. I want to be happy, too, not just make a bunch of other people happy.”
“And you will be,” he says. “You can be. Go and see your father now, Stella. You’ve been in here too long. It’s time for you to go.”
26
Though Harmon is right, and it’s time for me to leave this godforsaken place forever and never look back, I falter. Even as I climb the stairs, my chest tightens. As crazy as it sounds, I don’t want to leave him. He betrayed me, but I still... I want him to come with me.
But he belongs here. And I haven’t yet found where I belong. I emerge from the basement into the light, blinking in the bright sunshine. No one attacks. No one throws me down the stairs. No one is there at all.
Every step I take, I am waiting. Waiting for them to attack. But this time, the fear is mixed with something else. I almost hope they will attack me. They’ll see what happens when they try to throw a tiger down the stairs. All that time, they thought I’d never figure out who I really am. But now I know.
I march straight up to my mother’s front door without seeing anyone but a couple kids playing in the woods beside one of the cabins. At Mother’s, I hesitate. I’ve never come to her door before. I was always dragged through it, or hidden behind it. Now I don’t know if I should knock or smash down the door. Even though I’m in human form, the power of my knowledge gives me courage and strength I didn’t know I possessed. I am a tiger. Not a helpless girl among vicious wolves.
After a second of indecision, I turn the knob and walk in. No one in the community knocks. They walk into each other’s houses like they own them. I know much more than the fact that they are werewolves. I know all their customs and habits. For three years, I was an observer, a spy gathering bits of information as if they were the crumbs keeping me alive.
When the door swings open, my sisters both turn from the sink, where they are washing a tub of beets.
“Stella,” Elidi gasps.
Zora snorts as if holding back laughter. “Oh moons, what happened to your hair? It looks like you haven’t combed it since I last saw you.”’
Once, I was obsessed with my appearance, and that comment would have sent me scurrying for cover. Now, I barely register her scorn. I haven’t seen a mirror or a hairbrush in months, thanks to her pack’s decision to throw me in a basement with their disgraced Alpha. My hair is the least of my worries.
“Is Dad here?” I ask. When I saw him in the mirror, I didn’t know if it was an illusion. But I guess I do trust Harmon, because I’m sure he’s here. Still, I want them to say it.
Elidi’s gaze moves from the dripping beet in one hand to the scrub brush in the other.
“You can’t come back and live here,” Zora says.
“Why, because Mother has a new prisoner to torture? Surely she has enough cruelty for two.”
“Then why are you here? She said you’d found somewhere else to live.”
“Mother’s out back in the garden,” Elidi whispers.
I turn away from them in disgust. I used to idolize Elidi, to fantasize about trading places with her and living her blessed life. She had a family while I was alone. She was powerful, while I was vulnerable. But Mother was right when she said I’m not like Elidi. I may have been as timid as her before, when I had no choice. When one wrong move meant punishment at the hands of an entire community whose weakest member could kill me without struggle. But if I’d been raised knowing I was strong and deadly, I wouldn’t be so spineless.
For a moment, I can’t help but despise both my sisters, but especially Elidi. At least Zora has some fight in her. Elidi could be fierce and fearsome, but she cowers under my mother like a beaten dog.
Without another word to them, I turn and stride to the back door and throw it open. Mother looks up from her small backyard garden, where she’s weeding a row of collards. “Where’s my father?” I demand.
Mother stands, her shoulders square, her eyes blazing. “Who let you out?” she demands.
“I let myself out,” I snap. “I’m not a dog to be kept in a cage and let out for walks.”
“Does Harmon know you’re here?” she asks. “He’s supposed to be watching you.”
“Oh, Mother,” I say. “Despite your every attempt to convince me I’m worthless and unlovable, it turns out I have a certain charm after all. Did you really think Harmon would be as cruel to me as you were?”
Her eyes narrow. “He let you out?”
“Or maybe you were hoping I’d kill him, get rid of your competition,” I muse. “Is that it? You’re leading the pack now, after all. If the Alpha recovers, you’ll be relegated to second-in-command status again. You always did love lording your power over me. Now you get to lord it over the whole pack.”
Even as I speak, the bitter words rolling off my tongue, my insides tremble. The fear of her is ingrained into every muscle fiber in my body. My hands are sweating and my heart palpitates. Entering this house again is like being swallowed by a nightmare. But I won’t back down.
“What do you mean, kill him?” Mother asks slowly. “You wouldn’t kill Harmon.”
“No,” I say. “But I could. I could kill every single one of you. And you know it.” I relish the words as I speak them, relish their truth. I can feel my tigress stirring, as if she’s scratching at my insides, reminding me to let her run. A surge of power floods through me. Defiant, I meet my mother’s eyes.
Understanding flashes across her face. She may be cruel, but she’s not stupid. She hardens her expression, her eyes locking on mine, letting me know she’s not afraid of me, either. For a long moment, we stare each other down, silence stretching between us.
“Now give me the key,” I say.
She lifts the chain from around her neck and tosses it onto the porch at my feet. “Take him away,” she says with a sneer. “I’m sick of his whining anyway.”
I turn and race back into the house and up the stairs. Fingers trembling, I shove the key into the lock and turn. The door swings open, and there is Dad, lying on the bed with his back to me.
“Dad?” I whisper, my throat tight. He rolls over slowly, throwing off the dark wool blanket as he does. He sits up and blinks at me from a face thick with matted facial hair. For a second, he doesn’t speak.
“Stella,” he says after a pause. “I thought it was a drea
m. How’d you get the key?”
“Why didn’t you tell me I was a shifter?”
Once, I would have run to him and fallen into his arms, sure he was the saint I built him up to be. But he lied to me longer than my mother. His betrayal is deeper.
He rubs his eyes. “Who told you that?”
“No one. Someone showed me that.”
“How about that,” Dad says. “So you finally did it, after all that time.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask again, gripping the loose door knob.
He sighs and shakes back his stringy, greasy hair. It breaks my heart to see him like this. But not enough to blind me to everything else. I’m tired of having my questions put off for later. “It’s complicated,” he says at last.
“Then uncomplicate it,” I say. “I’ve got all day.”
For a long moment, he studies me. “You’ve changed.”
“It’s been three years, Dad. I’m not thirteen anymore.”
“I guess you’re not.” With another sigh, he shuffles towards me, and I see then that his hands are cuffed together and secured to a chain around his waist. He’s wearing a pair of dirty, navy blue shorts and a dingy t-shirt. He’s changed, too. His hair is thinner, now straggly and almost to his shoulders. I don’t remember if it’s changed since spring, when I saw him last, or if I was too busy being attacked by shifters to notice then.
“I’ll get you out,” I say. “But I want answers. Now.”
“Okay, okay,” he says, holding up a hand, which lifts the other one with it. “Let me get my thoughts straight. What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
“Everything,” he says with a chuckle. “Let’s start at the beginning. Your mother and I, when we found out, thought it would be difficult to raise you here, among wolves. You were bigger, harder to control. And so headstrong…” He breaks off and smiles into the distance. After a moment, his eyes narrow with calculation, as if he’s trying to decide how to best tell me something unpleasant. At last, he goes on. “As it became apparent that you wouldn’t take orders like a wolf, your mother and I decided to divorce. It was better for everyone if we moved somewhere else, gave you a normal life. But it wasn’t fair to your mother or sister to make them leave, too. They belonged here. We didn’t.”
Beastly Beauty: A Fairy Tale Retelling (Girl Among Wolves Book 2) Page 16
