by Abbi Glines
“Then that night at the honky-tonk. You owned me after that. You may not have realized it but I was hooked. There was no going back for me. I had so much to make up for. I’d put you through hell since you’d arrived and I hated myself for it. I wanted to give you the world. But I knew… I knew who you were. When I let myself remember exactly who you were I would pull back. How could I be so completely wrapped up in the girl who represented my sister’s pain?”
I covered my ears. “No. I won’t listen to this. Leave, Rush. Leave now!” I yelled. I didn’t want to hear about Nan. Her vile words about my mother rang in my ears and I felt the need to scream bubbling in my chest. Anything to block it out.
“The day mom came home from the hospital with her I was three. I remember it though. She was so small and I remember worrying that something would happen to her. My mom cried a lot. So did Nan. I grew up fast. By the time Nan was three I was doing everything from fixing her breakfast to tucking her in at night. Our mom had married and now we had Grant. There was never any stability. I actually looked forward to the times my dad would come get me because I wouldn’t be responsible for Nan for a few days. I’d get a break. Then she began asking why I had a daddy and she didn’t.”
“Stop!” I warned him, moving further down the wall. Why was he doing this to me?
“Blaire, I need you to hear me. This is the only way you’ll understand.” His voice was broken. “Mom would tell her she didn’t have one because she was special. That didn’t work for every long. I went and demanded that mom tell me who Nan’s dad was. I wanted it to be mine. I knew my dad would take her places. Mom told me that Nan’s dad had another family. He had two little girls he loved more than Nan. He wanted those girls but he didn’t want Nan. I couldn’t understand how anyone couldn’t want Nan. She was my little sister. Sure, at times I wanted to kill her but I loved her fiercely. Then came the day Mom took her to see the family her father had chosen. She cried for months afterward.” He stopped and I sank down on the bed. He was going to make me listen to this. I couldn’t get him to stop.
“I hated those girls. I hated that family that Nan’s dad had chosen over her. I swore one day I’d make him pay. Nan would always say maybe one day he’d come see her. She daydreamed about him wanting to see her. I listened to these dreams for years. When I was nineteen, I went looking for him. I knew his name. I found him. I left him a picture of Nan with our address on the back. I told him he had another daughter who was special and she just wanted to meet him. To talk to him.”
That was five years ago. My stomach twisted. I felt sick. I’d lost Valerie five years ago. He’d left five years ago.
“I did it because I loved my sister. I had no idea what his other family was going through. I didn’t care honestly. I only cared about Nan. You were the enemy. Then you walked into my house and completely changed my world. I always swore I’d never feel guilty for breaking up that family. After all, they had broken up Nan’s. Every moment I was with you the guilt at what I’d done started to eat me alive. Seeing your eyes when you told me about your sister and your mom. God, I swear you ripped my heart out that night, Blaire. I will never get over that.” Rush walked over to me and I was unable to move.
I understood. I did. But in the understanding I’d lost my own heart. It all was a lie. My entire life. It was a lie. All those memories. The Christmases that mom baked cookies and Dad held Valerie and I up so we could decorate the top of the tree were all false. They couldn’t be real. I believed Rush. It didn’t change how I viewed my mother. She wasn’t here to tell her side to the story. I knew enough to know that she was innocent. She couldn’t be anything but. This was all my father’s sin.
“I swear to you that as much as I love my sister if I could go back and change things I would. I would have NEVER gone to see your dad. Ever. I’m so sorry, Blaire. I’m so fucking sorry.” His voice broke and I lifted my eyes to see his eyes wet with unshed tears.
If he hadn’t gone to see my dad, things would have been so different. But neither of us could change the past no matter how badly we wanted to. Neither of us could make this right. Nan had her father now. She had what she’d always wanted. So, did Georgianna.
I had me.
“I can’t tell you that I forgive you,” I said. Because I couldn’t. “But I can tell you that I understand why you did what you did. It altered my world. That can never be changed.”
A lone tear ran down Rush’s face. I couldn’t reach up and wipe it away just like the tears were now gone for me. “I don’t want to lose you. I’m in love with you Blaire. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone the way I want you. I can’t imagine my world now without you in it.”
I would always only have just me. Because this man had taken my heart and destroyed it. Even if he hadn’t meant to. I’d never trust enough to love again.
“I can’t love you, Rush.”
A choked sob rocked his body as he dropped his head in my lap. I didn’t console him. I couldn’t. How did I soothe his ache when mine was a big gaping hole large enough for both of us to fit in?
“You don’t have to love me. Just don’t leave me,” he said against my leg.
Would my life always be full of loss? I hadn’t been able to tell my sister goodbye when she left that day and never returned. I had refused to tell my mother goodbye that morning when she told me it was almost time. She’d closed her eyes and never opened them again. I knew once Rush left this room that it would be the last time I saw him. It would be our final goodbye. I couldn’t move on with my life if he was in it. He would always hinder my healing.
But I wanted my goodbye this time. This was my final goodbye and this time I wanted a chance to say it properly. I couldn’t say the words. They refused to come. My need to protect my mother’s name stood between me and the words I knew Rush needed to hear. I couldn’t tell him I forgave him knowing that he was the reason my dad had walked out and never come back. He had taken my dad away that day even if he hadn’t known the damage that picture would do.
None of that changed how I had felt for Rush before he’d blown my world into a million pieces. I would get my goodbye.
Chapter Twenty- Seven
“Rush.”
He lifted his head. His face was wet with tears. I wouldn’t wipe them. They served a purpose. I stood up and unsnapping my shirt and slipped it off to lay it down on the bed. I then discarded my bra. Rush’s eyes never left my body. The confusion on his face was expected. I couldn’t explain this. I just needed it.
I pushed down the shorts I was wearing and stepped out of them. Then slipped off my shoes and slowly took off my panties. Once I was completely bare. I stepped over to straddle Rush’s legs. His hands wrapped around me immediately and he buried his face in my stomach. The wetness from his tears was cold against my skin causing me to shiver.
“What are you doing, Blaire?” Rush asked pulling back just enough to look up at me. I couldn’t answer that.
I grabbed handfuls of his shirt and pulled at it until he raised his arms and let me pull it over his head and toss it aside. Sinking down until I was sitting in his lap, I slipped my hands behind his head and kissed him. Slowly. This was the last time. Rush’s hands were in my hair and he took over immediately. Each caress of his tongue was gentle and easy. He wasn’t hungry and demanding. Maybe he already knew this was goodbye. It wasn’t meant to be hard and fast. It was the last memory I’d have of him. Of us. The only one I’d have where a lie didn’t dirty the water. The truth was there between us now.
“Are you sure?” Rush whispered against my mouth as I rocked against the hardness that I already felt beneath his jeans.
I only nodded.
Rush picked me up and laid me down on the bed before slipping off his shoes and jeans. He crawled over me as his haunted face studied me. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Inside and out,” he whispered as he rained kisses on my face before pulling my bottom lip into his mouth and sucking.
I lifted m
y hips. I needed him inside. I would always need him inside but this would be the last time I had him there. This close. No one would ever be this close again. No one.
Rush ran his hands down my body taking time to touch every part. As if he were memorizing me. I arched into his hands and closed my eyes letting the feel of his hands brand me. “I love you so damn much,” he swore as his head lowered to kiss my belly button.
I let my legs fall open so that he could move between them.
“Do I need to wear a condom?” he asked, moving back up over me.
Yes, he did. No chances.
Again, I just nodded.
He stood up to pick up his jeans and pulled a condom out of his wallet. I watched him rip it open then slide it down over his cock. I’d never kissed him there before. I’d thought about it but I’d never had the nerve. Somethings should remain unknown.
Rush ran his hands up the inside of my legs and then slowly pushed them open wider. “This will always be mine,” he said with conviction.
I didn’t correct him. There was no use. It would never be anyone else’s. After today, I would belong only to myself.
Rush lowered his body over mine until I could feel the head of his erection pressing against me. “Never been this good. Nothing has ever been this good,” he groaned then slid inside me. The stretch was welcomed. I wrapped my hands around his arms and cried out as he filled me completely.
Slowly, he moved out and then rocked back into me. His eyes never left mine. I held his gaze. I could see the storm in his eyes. I knew he was confused. I could even see the fear. Then there was the love. I saw it. The fierceness in his eyes. I believed it. I could see it clearly. But it was too late now. The love wasn’t enough. Everyone always said that love was enough. It wasn’t. Not when your soul was shattered.
I slipped my legs up around his waist and then wrapped my arms around his neck. Close. I needed him close. His breath was warm on my neck as he pressed kisses against the tender skin there. He whispered words of love and promises he would never have to keep. I let him. Just this last time.
The pleasure that had been building reached its peak when Rush brushed a kiss against my lips and said, “Only you.”
I didn’t look away from him as I clung to him and let the feeling of complete bliss rush through me. Rush’s mouth opened and a loud growl vibrated his chest as he pumped into me two more times and then went still. His eyes never left mine.
We both breathed fast and hard as I said all that needed to be said without words. It was in my eyes. If he was looking closely enough.
“Don’t do this, Blaire,” he pleaded.
“Goodbye, Rush.”
He shook his head. He was still buried deep inside me. “No. Don’t you do this to us.”
I didn’t say anything more. I let my hands fall to my side and my legs slip down his waist until I was no longer clinging to him. I wouldn’t argue with him.
“I didn’t get a goodbye with my sister or my mom. Those were final goodbyes I never got. This final goodbye I needed. This one time between us with no lies.”
Rush grabbed the blankets underneath me in both hands and closed his eyes tightly. “No. No. Please, don’t.”
I wanted to reach up and touch his face. To tell him it would be okay. He’d move on and get over this. Us. But I couldn’t do that. How could I comfort him if I was empty inside?
Rush pulled out of me and I winced at the hollowness that echoed through my body. He stood up and didn’t look at me. I watched in silence as he began to dress himself. This was it. Was empty supposed to hurt? When would the pain stop showing up?
Once he had his shirt back on he lifted his eyes to look at me. I sat up and pulled my knees against my chest to cover my nudity and to hold myself together. I was afraid I might literally crumble.
“I can’t make you forgive me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I can’t change the past. All I can do is give you what you want. If this is what you want, I’ll walk away, Blaire. It’ll kill me but I’ll do it.”
What else could there be? I’d never be the same. The girl he’d fallen in love with was no more. He’d see that soon enough if he stayed. I didn’t have a past. I didn’t have a foundation. It was all gone. Nothing made sense and I knew it never would. Rush deserved more.
“Goodbye, Rush,” I said one last time.
The pain that clouded his eyes was too much. I dropped my gaze from his and studied the blue plaid blanket beneath me.
I listened as he walked toward the door. His footsteps were muffled on the old faded carpet. Then the door opened and the moonlight poured into the dark room. There was a pause. I wondered if he would say more. I didn’t want him to. Every word he said only made this harder.
The door closed. I lifted my eyes to see the empty motel room surrounding me. Goodbyes weren’t all they were cracked up to be. I knew that now.
“He wasn’t what sent me running. He was what made me want to stay.”
Their story isn’t over…
Never Too Far
Coming March 12, 2013
Visit abbiglines.com to see the cover for Never Too Far
Other Books by Abbi Glines
The Vincent Boys
The Vincent Boys
The Vincent Brothers
The Vincent Brothers
Breathe
Because of Low
While It Lasts
Just For Now
Existence
Predestined
Ceaseless
About the Author
Abbi Glines can be found hanging out with rock stars, taking out her yacht on weekends for a party cruise, sky diving, or surfing in Maui. Okay maybe she needs to keep her imagination focused on her writing only. In the real world, Abbi can be found hauling kids (several who seem to show up that don’t belong to her) to all their social events, hiding under the covers with her MacBook in hopes her husband won’t catch her watching Buffy on Netflix again, and sneaking off to Barnes and Noble to spend hours lost in the yummy goodness of books. If you want to find her then check Twitter first, because she has a severe addiction to tweeting @abbiglines. She also blogs regularly but rarely about anything life changing. She also really enjoys talking about herself in third person. www.abbiglines.com
Representation:
All questions regarding subsidiary rights for any of my books, inquiries regarding foreign translation and film rights should be directed to Jane Dystel of Dystel & Goderich.
