by Alice Walker
DEAR GOD,
This the letter I been holding in my hand.
Dear Celie,
I know you think I am dead. But I am not. I been writing to you too, over the years, but Albert said you’d never hear from me again and since I never heard from you all this time, I guess he was right. Now I only write at Christmas and Easter hoping my letter get lost among the Christmas and Easter greetings, or that Albert get the holiday spirit and have pity on us.
There is so much to tell you that I don’t know, hardly, where to begin—and anyway, you probably won’t get this letter, either. I’m sure Albert is still the only one to take mail out of the box.
But if this do get through, one thing I want you to know, I love you, and I am not dead. And Olivia is fine and so is your son.
We are all coming home before the end of another year.
Your loving sister, Nettie
One night in bed Shug ast me to tell her bout Nettie. What she like? Where she at?
I tell her how Mr. _____ try to turn her head. How Nettie refuse him, and how he say Nettie have to go.
Where she go? she ast.
I don’t know, I say. She leave here.
And no word from her yet? she ast.
Naw, I say. Every day when Mr. _____ come from the mailbox I hope for news. But nothing come. She dead, I say.
Shug say, She wouldn’t be someplace with funny stamps, you don’t reckon? She look like she studying. Say, Sometimes when Albert and me walk up to the mailbox there be a letter with a lot of funny looking stamps. He never say nothing bout it, just put it in his inside pocket. One time I ast him could I look at the stamps but he said he’d take it out later. But he never did.
She was just on her way to town, I say. Stamps look like stamps round here. White men with long hair.
Hm, she say, look like a little fat white woman was on one. What your sister Nettie like? she ast. Smart?
Yes, Lord, I say. Smart as anything. Read the newspapers when she was little more than talking. Did figures like they was nothing. Talked real well too. And sweet. There never was a sweeter girl, I say. Eyes just brimming over with it. She love me too, I say to Shug.
She tall or short? Shug ast. What kind of dress she like to wear? What her birthday? What her favorite color? Can she cook? Sew? What about hair?
Everything bout Nettie she want to know.
I talk so much my voice start to go. Why you want to know so much bout Nettie? I ast.
Cause she the only one you ever love, she say, sides me.
DEAR GOD,
All of a sudden Shug buddy-buddy again with Mr. ____. They sit on the steps, go down Harpo’s. Walk to the mailbox.
Shug laugh and laugh when he got anything to say. Show teef and tits aplenty.
Me and Grady try to carry on like us civilize. But it hard. When I hear Shug laugh I want to choke her, slap Mr. _____ face.
All this week I suffer. Grady and me feel so down he turn to reefer, I turn to prayer.
Saturday morning Shug put Nettie letter in my lap. Little fat queen of England stamps on it, plus stamps that got peanuts, coconuts, rubber trees and say Africa. I don’t know where England at. Don’t know where Africa at either. So I still don’t know where Nettie at.
He been keeping your letters, say Shug.
Naw, I say. Mr. _____ mean sometimes, but he not that mean.
She say, Humpf, he that mean.
But how come he do it? I ast. He know Nettie mean everything in the world to me.
Shug say she don’t know, but us gon find out.
Us seal the letter up again and put it back in Mr. _____ pocket
He walk round with it in his coat all day. He never mention it. Just talk and laugh with Grady, Harpo and Swain, and try to learn how to drive Shug car.
I watch him so close, I begin to feel a lightening in the head. Fore I know anything I’m standing hind his chair with his razor open.
Then I hear Shug laugh, like something just too funny. She say to me, I know I told you I need something to cut this hangnail with, but Albert git real niggerish bout his razor.
Mr. _____ look behind him. Put that down, he say. Women, always needing to cut this and shave that, and always gumming up the razor.
Shug got her hand on the razor now. She say, Oh it look dull anyway. She take and sling it back in the shaving box.
All day long I act just like Sofia. I stutter. I mutter to myself. I stumble bout the house crazy for Mr. _____ blood. In my mind, he falling dead every which a way. By time night come, I can’t speak. Every time I open my mouth nothing come out but a little burp.
Shug tell everybody I got a fever and she put me to bed.
It probably catching, she say to Mr. ____. Maybe you better sleep somewhere else. But she stay with me all night long. I don’t sleep. I don’t cry. I don’t do nothing. I’m cold too. Pretty soon I think maybe I’m dead.
Shug hold me close to her and sometimes talk.
One thing my mama hated me for was how much I love to fuck, she say. She never love to do nothing had anything to do with touching nobody, she say. I try to kiss her, she turn her mouth away. Say, Cut that out Lillie, she say. Lillie Shug’s real name. She just so sweet they call her Shug.
My daddy love me to kiss and hug him, but she didn’t like the looks of that. So when I met Albert, and once I got in his arms, nothing could git me out. It was good, too, she say. You know for me to have three babies by Albert and Albert weak as he is, it had to be good.
I had every one of my babies at home, too. Midwife come, preacher come, a bunch of the good ladies from the church. Just when I hurt so much I don’t know my own name, they think a good time to talk bout repent.
She laugh. I was too big a fool to repent. Then she say, I loved me some Albert ____.
I don’t even want to say nothing. Where I’m at it peaceful. It calm. No Albert there. No Shug. Nothing.
Shug say, the last baby did it. They turned me out. I went to stay with my mama wild sister in Memphis. She just like me, Mama say. She drink, she fight, she love mens to death. She work in a roadhouse. Cook. Feed fifty men, screw fifty-five.
Shug talk and talk.
And dance, she say. Nobody dance like Albert when he was young. Sometime us did the moochie for a hour. After that, nothing to do but go somewhere and lay down. And funny. Albert was so funny. He kept me laughing. How come he ain’t funny no more? she ast. How come he never hardly laugh? How come he don’t dance? she say. Good God, Celie, she say, What happen to the man I love?
She quiet a little while. Then she say, I was so surprise when I heard he was going to marry Annie Julia, she say. Too surprise to be hurt. I didn’t believe it. After all, Albert knew as well as me that love would have to go some to be better than ours. Us had the kind of love couldn’t be improve. That’s what I thought.
But, he weak, she say. His daddy told him I’m trash, my mama trash before me. His brother say the same. Albert try to stand up for us, git knock down. One reason they give him for not marrying me is cause I have children.
But they his, I told old Mr. ____.
How us know? He ast.
Poor Annie Julia, Shug say. She never had a chance. I was so mean, and so wild, Lord. I used to go round saying, I don’t care who he married to, I’m gonna fuck him. She stop talking a minute. Then she say, And I did, too. Us fuck so much in the open us give fucking a bad name.
But he fuck Annie Julia too, she say, and she didn’t have nothing, not even a liking for him. Her family forgot about her once she married. And then Harpo and all the children start to come. Finally she start to sleep with that man that shot her down. Albert beat her. The children dragged on her. Sometimes I wonder what she thought about while she died.
I know what I’m thinking bout, I think. Nothing. And as much of it as I can.
I went to school with Annie Julia, Shug say. She was pretty, man. Black as anything, and skin just as smooth. Big black eyes look like moons. And sweet too. Hell, say Shug, I
liked her myself. Why I hurt her so? I used to keep Albert away from home for a week at the time. She’d come and beg him for money to buy groceries for the children.
I feel a few drops of water on my hand.
And when I come here, say Shug, I treated you so mean. Like you was a servant. And all because Albert married you. And I didn’t even want him for a husband, she say. I never really wanted Albert for a husband. But just to choose me, you know, cause nature had already done it. Nature said, You two folks, hook up, cause you a good example of how it sposed to go. I didn’t want nothing to be able to go against that. But what was good tween us must have been nothing but bodies, she say. Cause I don’t know the Albert that don’t dance, can’t hardly laugh, never talk bout nothing, beat you and hid your sister Nettie’s letters. Who he?
I don’t know nothing, I think. And glad of it.
DEAR GOD,
Now that I know Albert hiding Nettie’s letters, I know exactly where they is. They in his trunk. Everything that mean something to Albert go in his trunk. He keep it locked up tight, but Shug can git the key.
One night when Mr. _____ and Grady gone, us open the trunk. Us find a lot of Shug’s underclothes, some nasty picture postcards, and way down under his tobacco, Nettie’s letters. Bunches and bunches of them. Some fat, some thin. Some open, some not.
How us gon do this? I ast Shug.
She say, Simple. We take the letters out of the envelopes, leave the envelopes just like they is. I don’t think he look in this corner of the trunk much, she say.
I heated the stove, put on the kettle. Us steam and steam the envelopes until we had all the letters laying on the table. Then us put the envelopes back inside the trunk.
I’m gonna put them in some kind of order for you, say Shug.
Yeah, I say, but don’t let’s do it in here, let’s go in you and Grady room.
So she got up and us went into they little room. Shug sat in a chair by the bed with all Nettie letters spread round her, I got on the bed with the pillows behind my back.
These the first ones, say Shug. They postmark right here.
DEAR CELIE, THE FIRST LETTER SAY,
You’ve got to fight and get away from Albert. He ain’t no good.
When I left you all’s house, walking, he followed me on his horse. When we was well out of sight of the house he caught up with me and started trying to talk. You know how he do, You sure is looking fine, Miss Nettie, and stuff like that. I tried to ignore him and walk faster, but my bundles was heavy and the sun was hot. After while I had to rest, and that’s when he got down from his horse and started to try to kiss me, and drag me back in the woods.
Well, I started to fight him, and with God’s help, I hurt him bad enough to make him let me alone. But he was some mad. He said because of what I’d done I’d never hear from you again, and you would never hear from me.
I was so mad myself I was shaking.
Anyhow, I got a ride into town on somebody’s wagon. And that same somebody pointed me in the direction of the Reverend Mr. ____’s place. And what was my surprise when a little girl opened the door and she had your eyes set in your face.
love, Nettie
NEXT ONE SAID,
Dear Celie,
I keep thinking it’s too soon to look for a letter from you. And I know how busy you is with all Mr. ____’s children. But I miss you so much. Please write to me, soon as you have a chance. Every day I think about you. Every minute.
The lady you met in town is name Corrine. The little girl’s name is Olivia. The husband’s name is Samuel. The little boy’s name is Adam. They are sanctified religious and very good to me. They live in a nice house next to the church where Samuel preaches, and we spend a lot of time on church business. I say “we” because they always try to include me in everything they do, so I don’t feel so left out and alone.
But God, I miss you, Celie. I think about the time you laid yourself down for me. I love you with all my heart,
Your sister, Nettie
NEXT ONE SAY,
Dear Celie,
By now I am almost crazy. I think Albert told me the truth, and that he is not giving you my letters. The only person I can think of who could help us out is Pa, but I don’t want him to know where I am.
I asked Samuel if he would visit you and Mr. ____, just to see how you are. But he says he can’t risk putting himself between man and wife, especially when he don’t know them. And I felt bad for having to ask him, he and Corrine have been so nice to me. But my heart is breaking. It is breaking because I can not find any work in this town, and I will have to leave. After I leave, what will happen to us? How will we ever know what is going on?
Corrine and Samuel and the children are part of a group of people called Missionaries, of the American and African Missionary Society. They have ministered to the Indians out west and are ministering to the poor of this town. All in preparation for the work they feel they were born for, missionary work in Africa.
I dread parting from them because in the short time we’ve been together they’ve been like family to me. Like family might have been, I mean.
Write if you can. Here are some stamps.
love, Nettie
NEXT ONE, FAT, DATED TWO MONTHS LATER, SAY,
Dear Celie,
I wrote a letter to you almost every day on the ship coming to Africa. But by the time we docked I was so down, I tore them into little pieces and dropped them into the water. Albert is not going to let you have my letters and so what use is there in writing them. That’s the way I felt when I tore them up and sent them to you on the waves. But now I feel different.
I remember one time you said your life made you feel so ashamed you couldn’t even talk about it to God, you had to write it, bad as you thought your writing was. Well, now I know what you meant. And whether God will read letters or no, I know you will go on writing them; which is guidance enough for me. Anyway, when I don’t write to you I feel as bad as I do when I don’t pray, locked up in myself and choking on my own heart. I am so lonely, Celie.
The reason I am in Africa is because one of the missionaries that was supposed to go with Corrine and Samuel to help with the children and with setting up a school suddenly married a man who was afraid to let her go, and refused to come to Africa with her. So there they were, all set to go, with a ticket suddenly available and no missionary to give it to. At the same time, I wasn’t able to find a job anywhere around town. But I never dreamed of going to Africa! I never even thought about it as a real place, though Samuel and Corrine and even the children talked about it all the time.
Miss Beasley used to say it was a place overrun with savages who didn’t wear clothes. Even Corrine and Samuel thought like this at times. But they know a lot more about it than Miss Beasley or any of our other teachers, and besides, they spoke of all the good things they could do for the downtrodden people from whom they sprang. People who need Christ and good medical advice.
One day I was in town with Corrine and we saw the mayor’s wife and her maid. The mayor’s wife was shopping—going in and out of stores—and her maid was waiting for her on the street and taking the packages. I don’t know if you have ever seen the mayor’s wife. She looks like a wet cat. And there was her maid looking like the very last person in the world you’d expect to see waiting on anybody, and in particular not on anybody that looked like that.
I spoke. But just speaking to me seemed to make her embarrassed and she suddenly sort of erased herself. It was the strangest thing, Celie! One minute I was saying howdy to a living woman. The next minute nothing living was there. Only its shape.
All that night I thought about it. Then Samuel and Corrine told me what they’d heard about how she got to be the mayor’s maid. That she attacked the mayor, and then the mayor and his wife took her from the prison to work in their home.
In the morning I started asking questions about Africa and started reading all the books Samuel and Corrine have on the subject.
&nb
sp; Did you know there were great cities in Africa, greater than Milledgeville or even Atlanta, thousands of years ago? That the Egyptians who built the pyramids and enslaved the Israelites were colored? That Egypt is in Africa? That the Ethiopia we read about in the Bible meant all of Africa?
Well, I read and I read until I thought my eyes would fall out. I read where the Africans sold us because they loved money more than their own sisters and brothers. How we came to America in ships. How we were made to work.
I hadn’t realized I was so ignorant, Celie. The little I knew about my own self wouldn’t have filled a thimble! And to think Miss Beasley always said I was the smartest child she ever taught! But one thing I do thank her for, for teaching me to learn for myself, by reading and studying and writing a clear hand. And for keeping alive in me somehow the desire to know. So when Corrine and Samuel asked me if I would come with them and help them build a school in the middle of Africa, I said yes. But only if they would teach me everything they knew to make me useful as a missionary and someone they would not be ashamed to call a friend. They agreed to this condition, and my real education began at that time.
They have been as good as their word. And I study everything night and day.
Oh, Celie, there are colored people in the world who want us to know! Want us to grow and see the light! They are not all mean like Pa and Albert, or beaten down like Ma was. Corrine and Samuel have a wonderful marriage. Their only sorrow in the beginning was that they could not have children. And then, they say, “God” sent them Olivia and Adam.
I wanted to say, “God” has sent you their sister and aunt, but I didn’t. Yes, their children, sent by “God” are your children, Celie. And they are being brought up in love, Christian charity and awareness of God. And now “God” has sent me to watch over them, to protect and cherish them. To lavish all the love I feel for you on them. It is a miracle, isn’t it? And no doubt impossible for you to believe.
But on the other hand, if you can believe I am in Africa, and I am, you can believe anything.
