by Lucinda John
“Yes, baby, I understand,” she said, rocking me from side to side.
I felt Mr. Michael join in on our bear hug. We stood in the middle of the hospital waiting area hugged up, rocking from side to side in silence, before one of the nurses asked if it was okay for her to offer a praying hand. I agreed and allowed her to ask God to take my pain away. During everything I was just numb. I felt myself walking to Mrs. Michael’s car, but I couldn’t recall anything that was going on. I blocked out the world as they drove us home. Instead of taking me to the two-bedroom condo I purchased down the street from them, they took me to their house. It was for the best because I was in no shape to sleep in the house with all of Kareem’s things there, alone.
Mrs. Michael helped me to my old room that was empty, except for the queen size bed and dressers that I left behind. I sat on the bed motionless, as she removed my shoes and my jacket. She pulled the comforter back and I laid back in the bed, pulling me into her arms. As my tears silently fell on the pillow, she was humming in my ears, while rubbing my back.
****
The day I had to bury my son was the second worst day of my life. It was hard for me to get out of bed and get dressed, without the assistance of Mrs. Michael. Even though I had Mr. Michael gather all of Kareem things and donate them, I was still having a hard time staying in my house, so I decided to stay with them.
Kareem Karl Davis burial service was a very small, yet beautiful one. The only people in attendance besides me were the Michael’s, Shantika and Geek. The only reason I invited him was because he was Kareem’s father and he deserved to say ‘goodbye’. As for his family, I really didn’t care enough to give them the opportunity, especially his mother, for being dumb enough to play along with Geek and his shenanigans. Since Shantika decided to come down and pay her respects, I made Geek swear he wouldn’t tell his brother, because I wanted my son’s funeral to be a peaceful one.
I had Kareem buried next to my father. Seeing his tiny, powder blue casket ,being lowered into the ground, caused me to lose it. Before I could fall to the ground, Geek caught me and held me. I wanted to hate him and put all the blame on him, but the tears in his eyes wouldn’t allow me to. Just like me, Geek was mourning the loss of our child.
After the funeral, I declined having a repast dinner and decided to go to bed. I didn’t really want to be bothered with the world. All I wanted to do was lay in my bed, cry, and cuddle with Kareem’s blue elephant.
“I was thinking about moving back down here,” Shantika said, taking a seat on the bed.
“What about work?” I whispered.
“The bank is downsizing. The president offered me the same position down here, at the same bank I was working at before the transfer. Plus I missed being around my only friend,” she said, causing me to crack a smile.
“What about Tommy?” I asked.
“Fuck Tommy. I got a bullet with his name on it if he decided to fuck with me.”
“Do you still love him?” I asked her.
“Yes, I do,” she replied.
“Am I stupid for still loving Geek?”
“No, it’s normal, but baby girl Geek is a married man. He is bad for you, so it is best that you move on,” she said.
“Do you want to know what I learned while I was out in the boondocks?” Shantika asked.
“What?”
“I learned that I have to stop running from my problems. The only reason I rushed and took that job was to get far away from Tommy, but now it’s time to stop running. Stop running Karrueche, life is going to throw you curve balls;, it’s up to you to hit those motherfuckers and get that homerun.”
“Sounds like you’re giving me baseball lessons,” I joked.
“You know what I mean,” she said.
“Yeah, I know,” I sighed.
“It’ll get better.”
“I hope so.”
Today’s events had me so exhausted that I fell asleep while still talking to Shantika. In my dreams I could see white smoke everywhere, and as I walked through the smoke, I saw a man pushing a baby stroller. The closer I tried to get to them, the further they would go.
“Wait for me,” I heard myself call out.
“Make us proud, we love you,” was all I heard before they disappeared.
When the smoke finally cleared, I jumped up out of my sleep and looked around, only to see that the room was empty, except for Shantika,who was knocked out at the foot of the bed, snoring. I looked up to the sky and gave the Lord my thanks. That sign was all I needed to push forward. I know the pain from losing my son and father wouldn’t fade away, but I was going to deal with it so I could move forward. Life was throwing me lemons, and I had plans on making the best lemonade I could out of them.
****
“What do you plan on doing for your birthday?” Smoke asked, as we sat on my porch, eating ice cream.
Since I moved back home, Smoke would make it his business to come kick it with me. Often, I wondered if he looked at me as a baby sister, because he never gave off any hint of being interested in me. My heart was still slowly healing from the damage Geek caused, so I wasn’t really sweating it.
“Nothing, I just want to kick back and relax,” I replied. Around my birthday was the same time I lost my father, so I wasn’t in the festive mood.
“It’s your eighteenth birthday, so turn up,” he smiled, showing off his dimples.
“Naw, no turn up for me.”
“Be that way then, big head,” he said, playfully mushing me in the head. “I gotta make some runs; I’ll be by later to bring you some dinner.”
“Bet,” I smiled.
I watched Smoke jog down the street back to his house, before I went inside. After the death of my son, I had everything redecorated. It was time for me to start my new journey in life and I wanted to start off fresh. The only thing I kept was Kareem’s blue elephant, for some reason, I couldn’t see myself parting ways with it.
Since Shantika wasn’t scheduled to move back down here for another three days, I was alone. I didn’t want to bother Mrs. Michael, so I decided to go to the mall and do some shopping. Walking inside of Kareem’s old room, which I transformed into my personal closet, I searched for something comfortable to wear. Decided to wear a jean romper set, I slipped my feet in a pair of Old Navy flip flops and wrapped my hair into a bun.
“The whole block must be at the mall,” I said to myself, as I circled the parking lot looking for a place to park.
When I finally found a spot, I pulled in and made sure my doors were locked, before walking towards the entrance. Everybody in the mall was dressed to impress, putting my little outfit to shame. Fetching my lip gloss out of my purse, I applied some to my lips to make myself look presentable.
I really didn’t need anything at the mall, but I decided to shop anyway. Every baby store I would pass, my heart would cringe at the thought of what could have been if Kareem was still here with me. Walking inside of a motorcycle gear shop, I decided to buy me a few items to go with the motorcycle I was planning on getting for myself. It was a kind of spur of the moment thing, but it would be my birthday gift to myself.
“You looking for anything in specific?” this biker dude with a face filled with piercings, asked.
“I’m in the process of purchasing a bike and I wanted to get my gear and accessories first.”
“In the process, huh?” he chuckled.
“Yes,” I smiled.
“Why do women always have to do things backwards?” he asked.
“Because we’re complicated,” I shrugged.
“Do you know what kind of bike you want?”
“No, I guess I have to shop around for one.”
“I have a friend that specializes in customized bikes. I can sit with you while you pick out your bike and put in the order for you. The only thing you would have to pay out of pocket today is ten percent of the total price, the rest you’ll pay at pick up.”
“Sweet. Let’s take a look.”
With my accessories and customized biking gear, my total came up to fifteen thousand. Besides my condo and car, this one of the biggest purchases I made with my money. I didn’t want to work while I was in school, so I had to make sure I was managing my money with care.
Once the order went through and was processing, I walked out of the store hungry. I no longer had the desire to shop, now all I wanted was a slice of Galaxy Pizza. I was standing in line for my pizza, listening to Pandora, when I felt a pair of small hands tap me. Pulling out my headphones, I looked down to a smiling Tamya.
“Hey baby, how are you?” I smiled, giving her a hug.
Despite both her mother and father doing me wrong, I held no ill feelings towards her. She was a child and she played no part in her parents’ irrational behaviors.
“Hey CheChe, my sister and I missed you so much,” she said.
“Where is your sister anyway?” I asked, looking around.
“She had to stay home with mommy because she got in trouble in school.”
“What did she do?” I asked.
“She told the teacher to shove it.”
“Oh no, that’s not nice,” I said, remembering how Tamia’s mouth could be.
“Daddy told me my brother went to baby heaven, is that true?” she asked.
“Yes it is, speaking of your father, where is he?” I asked, changing the subject. Although I was slowly dealing with the loss of my baby, it was still a touchy subject for me.
“He’s over there watching us. He told me it was okay for me to come say hi.”
“Well, it was nice seeing you Tamya, I think you should go back and sit with your daddy,” I said, trying to avoid him from coming over here.
“I don’t have to, he’s coming over here,” she said, pointing her little fingers in his direction.
Shit, I thought kicking myself for getting set up like this. I should have known Geek used this poor little girl to trap me. I haven’t seen him since we buried our son. Since we no longer had Kareem, there wasn’t a reason for us to deal with one another.
“Karrueche.” He said, wrapping his arms around me.
The smell of his cologne had me drifting off to cloud nine.
“Hey,” I dryly replied. I really wanted to curse him out, but this wasn’t the place, nor the time.
“Damn, I can’t get a proper hello?” he asked. “Mya, go finish up your food while I talk to CheChe.”
“Okay, daddy,” she said, bouncing away with her long ponytails swinging left to right.
“What do you want Geek?”
I asked, as soon as Tamya was out of earshot.
“You,” he smirked.
“Me? You are a married man!”
“Keep it down, you’re bringing attention our way,” he said, in a hushed tone.
“Geek, the only thing we had in common was Kareem. Now that he’s gone, there isn’t any reason for us to keep in contact,” I said.
“Now, see that’s where you’re wrong, because you carried my seed, I will always be a part of you. Play with me if you want to, CheChe, and I will fuck you up.”
“I know you will, you left evidence on my face, remember?” I said, recalling the day he put his hands on me. “Geek, you are toxic and no good for me. Even if you were, it doesn’t change the fact that you are married! I have no interest in carrying on a relationship with a married man.”
“That’s what your lips say. CheChe look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me,” he said.
I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t lie to him like that. I mean, after all the shit he put me through, I still loved him. I know I wasn’t supposed to feel that way, but I did. I couldn’t understand how my heart could melt for someone who was so bad for it, yet it did.
“See, you can’t even do that.”
“Geek, leave me alone please,” I begged.
“Let me take you to Jamaica for your birthday first.”
“No!” I yelled.
“Come on CheChe, you deserve that much. It’s your eighteenth birthday; let me help you enjoy your day, one weekend that’s all. I won’t even try to have sex with you. Hell, we can even have separate hotel rooms,” he said, trying to sell me on the trip.
“You’re married.”
“Not happily.”
“If you’re not happily married, why are you still with her then?” I asked.
“Because we made an agreement with one another. She wants to stay married to look good in the eyes of her friends and family, but we both have been unhappy for years now,” he said.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“If I did, would you have honestly given me a chance?”
“No.”
“Please come with me to Jamaica; with everything that’s happened we can both use the trip?”
“I’ll think about it,” I said.
“Well, at least give me your new number so that I can get in contact with you.”
“Give me your number, I’ll call you,” I said.
“That’s fair,” he replied, reading his number off to me.
I programmed his number in my phone under “Toxic”, then placed it back in my bag. I walked over to tell Tamya goodbye, before turning on my heels and dashing towards the mall exit. I felt so stupid for feeling the things I felt for Geek still. That selfish son of a bitch didn’t deserve my heart, but why was it still beating for him?
I drove home with thoughts of Geek swimming through my mind. I wondered if it was possible for me to carry on a relationship with a married man. I mean, it wasn’t like they were happily married anyway. I wanted to call Shantika and ask for her input, but I knew she would tear me a new asshole, if she ever found out I was considering going to Jamaica with Geek.
In my mind I made up a million excuses for him. I started overlooking the bad and thinking of the good times I had with him. I decided to proceed with caution when it came to Geek. I wasn’t saying that I was going to give him a free pass back into my life. I wanted to make sure I was really over him before I moved on. As stupid as it may have sounded, I really needed the closure in order for my heart to properly heal. I just prayed that everything wouldn’t come back and bite me in the ass in the end.
Chapter Seven
Geek
“When are you coming back?” Eyanna asked, as I re-dressed.
“When I feel like it,” I snapped.
I didn’t really want to fuck with her grimy ass, but I was left with no choice. With Draya holding out on the pussy and Karrueche playing games, a nigga was deprived. After hitting that pussy for a few hours, I headed home to clean up before meeting Smoke.
When I arrived home, I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized Draya wasn’t there. Lately, things between us have been really stressful. All we did was argue when we were in the same space. I was starting to get sick and tired of that shit. I quickly jumped in the shower to wash Eyanna’s pussy juices off of me. Once I was done, I pulled out a crisp pair of blue jeans out of the closet and paired it with a wheat color polo shirt. Pulling out a fresh pair of wheat Timberland boots, I slid them on my feet and instantly became fresh to death. I was in need of a retwist, so I allowed my dreads to hang freely. Grabbing my gold Rolex, I slid it on my wrist, along with my matching pinky ring. I was going to show this nigga Smoke that I was getting it, with or without him.
One hour later, I was waiting in front of Tommy’s house waiting for him to ride with me. When he finally came out the house, I could see the look of stress written all over his face. I should have never told him about Shantika being at Kareem’s burial, but that was my brother and I couldn’t keep that from him.
“Nah man, I still can’t believe this bitch,” he stressed.
“Give it some time, she’ll come around.”
“This bitch walked out of my life, leaving a positive pregnancy test in my bathroom and don’t even have the decency to put me up on game about my seed.”
“She acting out because she’s scorned right now, but trust me, sooner or later she’ll get at you. If she is pregnant, she can’t keep you away from your kid,” I said.
“I hope so. Shit, I have no problem breaking my foot in that hoe’s ass.”
“Chill out, you know that you love Shantika’s dirty draws,” I joked.
“I used to, until she pulled that foul stunt,” He lied.
I could see right through my twin; I knew he was only talking sideways because he was hurt. At the end of the day, he worshipped the ground Shantika walked on. If the opportunity presented itself, I was willing to bet he would be right back under Shantika’s left titty. He was a fool for that girl.
We made it to the drop location earlier than expected, only because I wanted to scope shit out. I got out the car and tried to open the door to the warehouse, but it was locked. As I was fighting to pry the door open, my phone started to ring.
“Run it.” I answered.
“I see you learned how to be punctual,” a voice laughed.
“Who the fuck is this?”
“Your new boss. Leave the pills in the truck of that tan Honda Accord that’s in front of you.”
“This is some bullshit,” I said.
“I’m not paying you so there is no reason for us to meet. Now drop my product in the trunk and disappear,” he said, hanging up the phone.
Walking over to my car, I grabbed the duffle bag filled with pills and dropped it in the trunk. I looked around to see if I could figure out where Smoke was watching me, but I couldn’t locate him. Pissed, I walked over to my car and pulled off.
“What happened?” Tommy asked.
“That nigga is trying to punk me,” I said.
