Morgan might have argued, but the man’s tone changed.
“We have a very sick little girl who cannot be exposed to anything that might stress or traumatize her situation.”
Morgan softened his own stance. “We don’t intend to traumatize her. We’ve been part of this whole process.”
“I understand that. But I have a fourteen-year-old patient and two very worried parents to consider. Any decision would be completely up to them.”
Morgan drew a breath, but Jill interrupted. “We understand. We only want to do what we can for Kelsey. And let Cinda and Roger know we’re here if—”
“How bad is she?” Morgan tried to keep his voice steady.
“I’m sorry. That information is for the family only. If they choose to share it—”
“Jill?” They all turned to the gray-faced man in scrubs coming through the door.
“Roger.” Jill’s voice was scarcely more than a whisper. She must be reading the man’s condition as clearly as he.
Morgan swallowed. So this was Kelsey’s dad. Large, slightly hunched, gentle sounding.
Jill asked, “How is she?”
Roger couldn’t answer for a long moment. Then he turned to the doctor. “Her breathing’s worse. She’s really fighting. Isn’t there anything more we can do?”
Dr. McGraine glanced at them before answering. “This morning’s tests revealed aspergillus infection, which is causing the pneumonia. We’re treating with a fairly effective drug, amphotericin B.” He kept his face perfectly neutral.
“Is that going to help?” Morgan couldn’t stop the question, unused to the communicational nuances in doctor-patient relations. He didn’t care; he wanted to know.
Roger eyed him as though he’d just realized he was there. Morgan returned the gaze. “I’m Morgan Spencer.”
Roger nodded, his eyes flicking to Jill, then back to him. “I’ve seen your picture.”
Jill stepped between them, a small motion putting only her shoulder in front of his chest but enough to get her point across. “Roger, we came when Cinda called, hoping there was something we could do. Medically or …”
Roger spread his hands. “We all want that. I’d give anything ….” He choked up and tears filled his eyes. Surprisingly, he returned his gaze to Morgan. “You want to see her.”
Morgan’s throat tightened painfully, and he nodded.
“She doesn’t look …”
“I don’t care how she looks.”
Dr. McGraine intervened. “She’s too weak to handle a shock.”
Morgan kept eye contact with Roger. “I just want to look at her. I won’t say a word.” It would be enough for now. Later, he’d tell her all the things he wanted to say.
Roger turned to the doctor with a questioning glance.
Dr. McGraine shook his head, then released a breath. “From out-side the observation window.”
Morgan grasped that he was being admitted. Something inside him trembled as Jill slipped her hand into his and they were buzzed through the doors. He walked with more confidence than he felt, realized Jill was equally vulnerable and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
They stopped outside a glass cubicle filled with equipment, tubes, and a bed. In the bed, a person partially covered by a sheet, no way to guess at sex or age, and nothing at all like the elfish pictures he’d seen on her family’s walls. Pain like nothing he’d experienced seared through him. “Why is she so swollen?” The words escaped in a whisper. Was this what his marrow was doing to her?
The doctor answered. “Her kidneys are no longer processing fluids and toxins.”
Kidneys. Morgan gripped the edge of the window and turned on the doctor. “If hers won’t work, I have one to spare. And Jill has another.”
Dr. McGraine took a moment before saying, “She can’t withstand a surgery. We’re pouring platelets into her body, but even so she’s hem-orrhaging. We can’t stop it.”
“Then what can you do?” Morgan hadn’t meant to holler. Jill gripped his arm, and he forced himself to calm. He turned back to his daughter and noticed the woman at her bedside. That must be Cinda, the one Jill had trusted more than herself to raise their daughter.
Morgan dropped his face to his hand, resting his forehead against the glass. “Is there anything at all?”
Roger said, “Pray.” Then he went into the room and spoke to his wife. She glanced up, sent Jill a weak smile, met Morgan’s eyes briefly, then returned to her bedside vigil.
The doctor seemed to debate a moment, then left them. Neither one of them moved as he walked away. Implicit was that they could stay there outside the window. Jill slid an arm around his waist, shaking with her silent tears. Morgan held her shoulders, but walls were coming up inside. “You can’t take responsibility for the outcome. The odds are only ten to thirty percent that she will survive.” The counselor knew nothing about how impossible that was. His body, which had wrongly created her, was now killing her. And there was absolutely nothing he could do.
Pray. What a perversion that would be.
Kelsey burned. Drawing air into her sodden lungs took more effort than she had strength for. Her mouth was filled with pain from sores that wouldn’t heal. Her mind could not focus. Her kidneys did not understand she didn’t want this extra fluid.
Her palm sweated in Mom’s hand, comfort passed osmotically. She could only think medically, picturing the inside of her body more clearly than the oozing, hairless skin. Images of blood cells mutating, spasming, attacking their companions. Nerves screaming overload messages to her brain that already knew but had no answer. Bones devoid of marrow, hollow, brittle reeds, filling with alien cells that made war on her.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
But she did! She wanted smooth skin and hair she could braid. To see Josh again, to laugh with him. She wanted to sing in church, play softball, and run faster than anyone on her team. To hit a home run over the fence. She wanted to sit under the big tree in her yard and crochet blankets for the babies at the crisis pregnancy center. Babies like her who happened by mistake.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
How long since she’d walked between the rows of corn, felt the hot earth between her toes? How long since the rain fell on her out-stretched palms? Since she’d spun herself dizzy with the wind in her hair and the song of birds all around? Walls, steel bars, beeping, buzzing, blinking machines and tubes, tubes all over her, though most had been disconnected now.
He restoreth my soul.
Her soul cried, Jesus. My Jesus.
Mom’s hand tightened, and there was Dad’s voice. “Hey, baby. You hanging in there?”
She squeezed, drawing a damp, worthless breath, but no words came.
“She hears you, Roger.”
“That’s my girl.”
She tried to open her eyes. Sometimes she made it.
“It’s all right, Kelsey.” Mom’s voice like chocolate pudding. “Just rest. We’re here with you. We’re praying.”
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death …
Was this the final valley? How many more breaths must she take? She fought the urge to stop, to simply stop. It wasn’t time. There was something, someone … She gathered strength and opened her eyes. Mom’s face, and Dad. Love surged. But … She looked past Dad’s shoulder to the window.
Jill. And Morgan. It had to be. Was she dreaming? No, their pain was too real. Lord. Her mind could not form the thoughts. But Jesus knew her heart.
She closed her eyes. The room had faded anyway. Angels closed in around her, a brilliant guard backing toward her until the light from their wings illuminated her skin. If she could raise her hand, she would touch the vibrant feathers. What is it? What are you doing?
The angels pressed closer, swords raised outward, until no space remained between them and they became a circle of light. The darkness was engulfed in their shimmering brilliance, light pure and beautiful, bathing her as she sto
od inside their circle. She could no longer see the enemy, yet somehow she knew it was there, stronger and more malevolent than before. Why didn’t they fight? Why had they drawn back, crowded into her like a bright cocoon?
We’re losing the war. The thought formulated and clung.
One massive seraph turned to look over his shoulder. We will guard you to the end.
But what about the others? Mom and Dad, and Jill and Morgan?
Their battle has just begun.
She wanted to help, to comfort. But she couldn’t penetrate the circle of light. A moment of fear.
Again the seraph addressed her over his vigilant pose. Do not be afraid. You will not be alone.
And she knew that without question. I’m not alone. I’m never alone.
And then He was there, standing above her, and the seraphim had dropped a knee and pressed their swords to their breasts.
Talitha kum. Kelsey heard the words in her heart. Its beating no longer blocked them. Come where, Lord? Where do you want me?
At the answer, longing became joy. Such joy.
Little girl, arise.
She lifted her hands toward him and they were light, so light.
Come.
For one moment doubt stirred. Tears? Yes, but not hers. The tears of those she left behind. I’m sorry. I have to go. You must see. I have to. I want to.
Then joy. Only joy.
CHAPTER
36
Jill stood at the window when the room changed, a machine sounding, Cinda’s head dropping, her shoulders shaking with tears, Roger closing in. Kelsey’s glance had been so brief, but she knew it was goodbye. She should be glad the suffering was over, but a grief too wrenching for tears tore her insides.
People passed into the room and the curtains were drawn, leaving her reflection and Morgan’s on the glass. She sagged against him. Oh, God. His head still rested against the pane, and she knew it was more bitter still, since he had nothing but one brief conversation and that single glance.
He turned to her, eyes like broken glass. “I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. He could not take this on himself.
“Let’s get out of here.” He caught her hand and walked her out of the secured hall and through the passages of the hospital to the valet parking, where he turned over his ticket without a word. Jill might have stayed and offered a word to Cinda and Roger, but it was probably best that they simply go.
Tears streamed unbidden from her eyes as Morgan drove them back to the airport. When would she realize that it was over? Her mind knew, but the rest of her was numb. Like a soldier on the battlefield who has no idea his limb is missing, she couldn’t even question why.
The sun was setting when they reached the airport, and Morgan buffaloed an employee into finding a pilot to fly them back on whatever charter plane they had. It was dark when they landed and took a taxi into Beauview. A light turned on in Mr. Deerborne’s window as Morgan paid the driver and walked her inside. Jill was so far from caring what her neighbor or anyone else thought about Morgan going in with her at one-thirty in the morning.
They sat together on the couch and after a while they dozed. It seemed disrespectful to give in to sleep, yet her system was functioning on such a subnormal level it was inevitable. She woke with her head pressed into Morgan’s neck, his arm heavy across her shoulders. As soon as she stirred, he opened his eyes. They pulled apart, and she looked into his face without words. He reached up and cupped her cheek, then let his hand drop.
She cleared her throat. “You need coffee.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I can … I have …”
He closed her hand into his. “There you go again.”
She pressed her brows together. “I want to do something.”
“You can’t.” The poverty in his tone this time was pure desolation.
She started to cry. Kelsey couldn’t be gone. All these years knowing she was out there, growing, learning, living. Jill pressed her hands to her face, sobbing. Morgan’s hand warmed the back of her neck, but nothing penetrated the chill inside her. Their daughter was dead.
Morgan waited for Jill’s sobs to ease. Then he let her go and went into the bathroom. He heard her crying again, mourning Kelsey with everything in her. He could not get the image of his daughter out of his mind, her bloated body, angry blistered skin, but most of all the eyes she’d opened and turned to him. His eyes.
She had known he was there, but he’d been utterly helpless to stop her dying. He scrubbed his face and wiped it dry, then went back out and stood behind the couch. Jill’s sobs had become weary sighs. She needed someone who could do something, help her in a way he could not.
He had nothing to offer. Everything he’d accomplished was dust. He had no control over anything that mattered. It was all a joke. The very marrow in his bones had failed. When she took a turn in the bathroom, he went to the kitchen and picked up the phone, flipped Jill’s book open to Shelly’s entry and punched in the number. To the man who answered, he said, “Yeah, is Shelly there?”
The guy hollered to someone in the room. “Brett, where’s Shelly?” Then he came back on. “She’s asleep. Who’s calling?”
“Is this Dan?”
“Yeah, who’s—”
“Jill needs someone with her.” He glanced behind him to make sure she was still in the bathroom.
“What’s the matter? Is she okay?”
“Please send Shelly over.” His throat closed on the next words, but he forced them out. “Kelsey’s dead.”
The silence on the other side of the line told him Dan understood. Morgan hung up, picked up his bag beside the door, and went out. He walked along the sidewalk to the street, then took the route he and Jill had run. At the Starbucks he could call a cab in from Des Moines.
Jill came out of the bathroom, more composed if not peaceful. Morgan didn’t need her falling apart. His grief matched hers. She stepped into the hall, pushing the hair back from her face. Dan stood in the main room and turned when she entered. She searched the living space with her glance. “Morgan?”
Dan said, “He called for someone to be with you.”
Fresh pain. How could there be more? She caught the back of the couch. Dan hurried around and clasped her elbow. Where had Morgan gone? And why?
“Come and sit.”
Would he leave without saying good-bye? Now that Kelsey was gone, he had no use for her? Maybe he went for coffee. But her eyes fell to the place he’d left his bag. She sank to the couch with Dan’s help.
“Jill, I’m so sorry.”
She nodded silently, fresh waves of pain too deep for tears. Shelly took over for Dan when he left with Brett for work, keeping her company and for once not forcing conversation. She handled phone calls until Jill asked her to unplug it altogether. She could not make herself function, and the phone was a constant reminder that all around her, life was happening. But it shouldn’t be. Why had Morgan gone? And why, why had Kelsey died? It was all so useless.
Shelly brought her a cup of broth and Jill did manage to swallow it. She turned to her friend. “You were right. Faith changes nothing.”
Shelly caught her hands and held them. “It helps you bear it.”
Jill nodded. Maybe. But right now she didn’t believe she could. Especially when Shelly opened the door to her parents. Lord God, I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t.
“Jill, I’ve tried to call you for two days.” Mom stepped inside and took one look at her face. “So I heard right.”
What had they heard, that the word was out? That people knew she’d had an illegitimate child, that she’d seen Morgan? Surely not that her daughter had died, that Morgan had done everything possible to save their child, then stood like an outcast for one brief glimpse before she died.
Jill had not risen from the couch. She hardly had the strength to hold back her tears. Her parents’ indignation was a drop in the well of her grief.
Shelly gave her a quick hu
g and whispered, “Sorry.”
Jill formed a thin smile. “Come back later.”
Dad took the giraffe chair while Mom joined her on the couch. Dad cleared his throat. “I guess you know in a town this size secrets are hard to keep.”
Did he have any idea how hard? What it cost her to pretend, to hold her shame and sorrow inside so tightly she could not experience joy and relationship? Mom searched the townhouse with her gaze. “Is he here?”
Jill slowly turned her head. “No. But if he were, I would beg him to stay.”
“Oh, Jill, why?”
“Because after Kelsey, he’s the best person I know.”
Dad cleared his throat. “There’s no question he’s done well for himself. Fortune magazine and all that.”
“No, not all that, Dad. I’m talking about what’s inside him. How he helps people.”
Mom huffed. “Well, he certainly didn’t help you. Coming back here and destroying everything we’ve done to keep—”
“The truth from being known?”
“To keep you safe from the consequences of your mistake.”
Jill’s heart split. “The consequence of my mistake was a beautiful girl with features like mine and Morgan’s deep blue eyes. She spent half her life battling a terrible disease but used her suffering to give others hope and tell them about the love of Jesus. Get on the Web; read Kelsey’s Hope Page. See for yourself the consequence of my mistake.”
“We’re not condemning the child.” Dad used his deacon’s tone.
She turned to him. “And even though we lied to Morgan, let him believe I had destroyed his child, falsified information to obtain a termination of custody, and gave her away without his knowledge, he donated his bone marrow to try to save her. He paid a third of a million dollars in medical expenses—”
“He could afford it,” Mom murmured.
Jill spun, staring in disbelief.
Mom dropped her gaze. “I’m not criticizing.”
“You’ve done nothing but criticize him since the day you met him.”
The Still of Night Page 45
