by Cate Ellink
Damn. How am I going to ask him if he wants me to apply without breaking these stupid rules? An idea pops into my mind.
“You didn’t need to bring the paper, you know. Thank you.”
Jason stares. His eyes bore into mine. It’s intense. He’s staring so hard it’s like I’m burning. “I had to bring it for you.”
Is he saying what I think he means? As I open my mouth to ask, the expedition leader roars and walks towards me.
“That’s it. Do you know what it’s about now?”
Do I know what it’s about? I think I do. I think Jason is saying he wants me to apply. I think he’s saying that he wants my phone number, that we could have more than one night of sex and that there could be a future. How the hell do I know when I’m on a three minute time limit with eavesdroppers and a rule hanging like the Sword of Damocles?
My furrowed brow clears and I smile sweetly at the obnoxious man. “Yes, thank you. The Sergeant was kind enough to bring this to me at the request of the mangrove scientists. Thank you for allowing me to find that out.” My voice rings out loudly. I sound like a prissy miss and I hear the faintest snigger from the men near the vehicle. I hope the expedition leader hasn’t heard it.
I smile at Jason. I hope he can read everything I want to say to him in my look. “Thank you, Sergeant.”
The expedition leader uses his body and arm, without touching me, to herd me away and I walk off. I wish I could give more of a message to Jason but I can’t risk anything further. He’ll probably be annoyed at me for staying when he wanted me to go.
I hear the expedition leader’s raised voice again as I leave. “This will be reported, Sergeant. No fraternisation means exactly that. I don’t expect to find girls here at the campfire when I’ve specifically asked them to stay away.”
I don’t hear Jason’s reply. I only hear the crunching footsteps of the leader following me out. I walk along nonchalantly. Why rush when I’ve done nothing wrong?
“Just a moment.” The commanding tone stops me in my tracks. The expedition leader is going to bawl me out, I just know. “What’s your name?”
“Mac. Willow MacIntosh.”
“And this newspaper, why do you have it?”
“I’m sorry, I thought I explained that. I asked the mangrove scientists if they had any jobs coming up. I’ve finished my degree and I’m looking for work. I had a fabulous time working with them. The mangroves were fascinating.”
“And there’s nothing between you and the army men?”
I gulp quickly. I have to be able to do this. I lift my chin and look at him. “Nothing at all.” The lie falls from my mouth easily. I’d do anything to protect Jason. “The Sergeant was our driver at the mangrove site. I guess the paper came out after we left. I’d have missed the ad if he hadn’t brought it to me.”
My face is examined in minute detail and I stand passively. I refuse to look at the army camp area, or look away from him, so I keep my head up. The moment holds so much weight that it’s like the inky night is closing in on me.
Something must ring true in my tale because he nods his head. “I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the trip. I hope employment comes out of it for you.”
I smile as the sky retreats and the cool night air surrounds me. “Thank you.” Then I take my courage in my hands. I know I’m pushing it but it has to be worth a try. “I’m sorry I broke the rules. I didn’t think it meant picking things up and finding out about it. I…ahh…I don’t want anyone in trouble on my account.” I look at the ground and shuffle my feet a little. Not wanting to overplay my role but needing to help Jason. I couldn’t bear to be the person who ruins him.
The expedition leader pats my arm in a condescending manner and it takes everything I have not to flinch and withdraw from his touch. “Don’t worry. Tonight was a warning.”
Stupid time for a warning on the last night but I nod to him. I’ve done the best I can. “Thank you.” He flicks a look over me and turns away. I’m released but I can’t go where I want to go. I can’t be with Jason. I can’t have sex, not even a kiss.
I may have saved Jason but I’ve ruined my chance at being with him tonight. Emotions tangle inside me. I should be happy but I’m too selfish for that. I dreamed that we’d be together tonight, that we’d plan for a future and that our relationship wouldn’t end with the trip. My dreams are gone.
Heading back to my tent, I try to think of a way I can be with Jason, but nothing comes to mind. I can’t risk it. I can’t put myself above his career. It’s with a heavy heart that I crawl into bed. My last night of the trip and I’m alone. Maybe I can speak to him tomorrow.
The last day is chaotic with everyone frantically packing their own gear and all the camp gear. I can’t get close to Jason or any of the army guys. They’re distant. They’ve been warned, and for one day, they’re going to do the right thing. But it’s the last day and I want to see Jason. As much as I try, it’s impossible. All morning the expedition leader seems to have his eye on me. If I walk close to Jason, the expedition leader appears. I can’t have my lie found out.
I keep asking myself why I want more. I got all I wanted and more. The trouble is I began to dream. The future beckoned even though I tried to keep in the present. I began to dream of working in mangroves, making love all night and waking to Jason’s kisses. Dreams of a future that is so far from my life I must be crazy to think it.
Fiona drags me into the supply tent mid-morning and I pack goods into boxes for the rest of the day. She claims she enjoys my company but I know she’s keeping me out of the way. I can’t tell if she’s protecting me, Jason, herself or the expedition. I’ve never understood or trusted her. At times I thought she was interested in Jason herself, other times I wondered if she knew of our friendship. I catch her watching me but when I do she laughs and smiles and says how much she’ll miss us all. By the time all the supplies are boxed, the gear is all loaded. I don’t even get a chance to perv at Jason loading the gear. I wanted to watch those muscles again and I don’t even get to do that.
There’s a huge rush now everything is packed. I have time say goodbye to Fiona and her crew, get my personal gear and farewell my group before the buses arrive and take us into town. The trip is over and I can’t get near Jason. I have my phone number on a scrap of paper in my pocket. Fat load of good it’s doing sitting in there. I should have left it on a rock for all the good it’s done. I keep hoping I’ll get close enough so I can slip it to him but I don’t like my chances. The army guys are fairly well contained, away from us.
When the buses drop us off, the expedition team stands near the army convoy, effectively guarding them. Just my luck. I wave but that’s all I can do. Disheartened, dispirited and completely despondent, I make my way back to Melbourne. I wish I’d done what some of the others had and booked a few extra days at the end of the trip. I might have been able to find him then. I booked my plane ticket for tonight. I thought I’d be busting to get home, eager to be on the first possible flight out. Who would have thought walking into the airport would bring more tears to my eyes and a choking sob to my chest.
CHAPTER 10
On the plane trip home I draft my application for the mangrove job. I type it up the next day and have it in the mail that afternoon. No one in Melbourne is happy with that decision or distraction. I don’t tell anyone, except Mardi, about Jason. I thought she’d be supportive but she’s been no help at all.
“Why do you want a job up there when your life’s here? You’ll find a man in Melbourne.”
I don’t have a life in Melbourne. I grew up here and studied here but I have always intended to travel and see Australia, if not the world. “It’s not just the man. I love the tropics, the mangroves, the climate, the work. It’s the whole package.”
She turns her nose up and shrugs. “If you reckon.” Grabbing hold of my arm, she tugs me towards her and almost snarls at me. “For god’s sake, he’s the first man you’ve screwed. He won’t matter once you find number two.”
If I wasn’t stunned by her tone and attitude I might have hit her. This isn’t Mardi. Mardi is my friend. Someone who’s happy for me. Someone who supports me.
She gets up and leaves, while I remain mute and immobile.
My family is no better. My parents are appalled that I went away for a six week trip and now I’m talking about moving away for the rest of my life. Mum is the most dramatic.
“What happened to you up there? Why this sudden change? Why are you rebelling? Why do you hate us?”
“I’m not rebelling. I don’t hate you. I fell in love with north Queensland. It’s beautiful. You should see it, Mum. It’s all green. Glorious green. The rivers are clear, with mangroves in thick stands. There are hardly any people. It’s heaven.” She doesn’t seem convinced, so I suggest a peace offering. “Don’t worry, I may not even get the job.”
“Yes, there is that.” Mum concedes. “I can’t imagine they’d give a job to someone like you. You’ve no experience and only just finished uni. You don’t know anything.” Mum turns and walks away. She doesn’t notice how she has just sliced into my self-confidence. Her words are a heavy punch in the guts. Winded and hurting, I’m left gasping for breath. I thought they cared for me. I hoped they had missed me. If they did, they have an odd way of showing it.
Their reactions only make me want the job more. I want to be away from here. I want to find what I found on the trip—people who support me regardless of how slow I am. I scour the newspapers looking for other work in north Queensland just in case the mangrove job doesn’t work out.
Melbourne is smothering, my parents crushing in their attention. Mardi doesn’t have my best interests at heart. I wonder how they all changed so much in six weeks. But I know it is me who has changed. I miss Jason. Not only the sex but the way he treats me, the way he makes me feel stronger when I’m with him. He didn’t know me when he spoke to me on that first day in the river, yet he cared, supported me and gave me strength. Why don’t I get that here? These are the people who profess to love me. Churning inside, I can’t keep thinking about it or I’ll make myself ill. Being home brings me answers to questions I couldn’t answer before. The answers don’t sit comfortably with me.
Finally, I have a phone interview with the mangrove team. I can’t eat breakfast. I can’t concentrate as I wait for my eleven o’clock appointment. At a quarter to eleven my mother rings someone. I stand nearby, my eyes almost falling from my head. I point to my watch and mouth the word, “eleven”. She nods, as if it’s of no importance. I can’t read my notes. I can’t sit still. I pace the back verandah, constantly checking my watch. At one minute before eleven I hear her hang up. I fly inside and take the phone to my room. I sit before my notes and wait.
Ten agonising days after my phone interview with the mangrove team, I am employed. The whole of Melbourne must hear my squeal. I leap around my room, dancing the happiest of dances. No one else is overjoyed but I’m not letting that dampen my spirits. I pack my belongings. I’ll drive up over the next week. I’ll have a holiday on the way to my new job, my new career and it’ll be my chance to find Jason.
Leaving is not as easy as I hoped. My family shed tears. They really don’t want me to go. I can understand that. A part of me would like to stay here too in the safety of those I know. A larger part of me needs to go. It’s a tearful, amicable parting. Dad gives a short speech about the fledgling leaving the nest and that’s how I feel, ready to fly.
When I left for the expedition, Mardi was laughing and happy for me, telling me not to do anything she wouldn’t. This time there’s no humour, no teasing, just spite.
“You’re making an idiot of yourself, Mac. When you get there he’ll have moved on to someone new.”
Her parting words cut deep and I regret telling her anything about my trip. I hug her goodbye but make no promises of returning, or keeping in touch. She doesn’t feel like my friend any more.
Her words create doubt that hovers over me. I try not to focus on it but it remains. Am I making an idiot of myself? I don’t think I am.
As I drive away from Melbourne, my car packed full of my things, I know I don’t care. I have to find out. If Jason has moved on, then I still have a job, a job that I’ll love. Melbourne isn’t the same place as when I left—or maybe I’m not the same person.
Townsville is warm, friendly and relaxed but a huge drive from Melbourne. Exhausted but exhilarated, I organise the key for my rented unit. I feel so grown up with my own place. Entering the semi-furnished unit, ready for me to place my things and call it home, a huge lump forms in my chest. I can’t decide if it’s from nerves or excitement. I’m making my life. I’m setting off on my adventure. I have a job, a new home, a new life to carve. It’s thrilling as much as it’s terrifying. It’s like getting ready to step on a huge rollercoaster when you aren’t really sure you’ll survive the ride.
I unpack quickly. The rollercoaster thought has me thinking of Jason. I have two days before I start work and I need to find him.
Embarrassing doesn’t come close to describing standing at the army barrack’s gates, asking to see a man whose surname I don’t know. My details are sketchy. Every bit of doubt surfaces and multiplies. Why hadn’t I thought this through properly? Did I honestly imagine I’d drive up here and find him easily?
“Miss, you’re saying you don’t know his name?” The young, clean-scrubbed soldier has a glint in his eye. I can’t tell if it’s mischief or mirth. His manner is impeccable, his uniform immaculate and the gates with the sentry are formidable. I almost turned around and drove away but that was never going to find Jason. I’m not sure this is either.
“I don’t know his surname. He’s Jason, a sergeant. He was with a group supporting the recent Daintree expedition. With him were five other men, including Tim and Neil. They’re all from Townsville.” It sounds pathetic to my ears. I naïvely thought that the base would be small, the men well-known and the records at the front gate. I thought I’d mention the trip, he’d look up who did it and Jason would appear in my arms. I didn’t think this through at all. Beads of sweat are prickling out all over my body and it isn’t just from the heat.
“I take it their surnames are also unknown?” The man has to be laughing himself stupid, even though his face is deadpan. When I nod, he continues in the most polite tone. “The best I can do is for you to leave your details.”
I’m not leaving my details with the man. He probably thinks I’m desperate and he’ll give them to any soldier who wants a girl. I write a note instead—Jason, I have the mangrove job. I’m starting Monday the 8th. Love Mac/Willow xo.
I leave it with the polite gate keeper and drive away. My heart feels like it’s torn apart. Leaving Melbourne wasn’t this difficult. I hurried my trip up the coast so I had some time to spend when I found him. I’m such a dreamer. I had two days to find him and I failed in twenty minutes.
Monday morning, I’m unpacked and settled into my unit. I’m up early eager to start work. I drove out there yesterday so I’d know where I’m going. It’s right out of town. The radio’s turned up and I’m singing and dancing in my seat as I drive to my work place. Orientation isn’t as exciting as I hoped. And I’m in a building all day and not in the mangroves. I guess every work day can’t be an adventure. I busy myself learning what I have to learn, filling in forms, touring the site but all day I’m waiting for someone to bring me a message that Jason has called.
When five o’clock comes, the excitement of the first day in my dream job is not enough to mask my disappointment. I walk out to my car. The dancing steps I had this morning are now more like dragging my feet in leaden boots. I get into my car and drive out of the car park. At the turn onto the highway I see an army camouflage-painted 4WD parked on the side of the road. My heart picks up speed as I brake. Driving slowly past I can’t see anyone inside.
Do I stop?
How can I not?
I pull into the side of the road ahead of the vehicle and walk back to i
t. My heart’s not working properly. It’s doing fast crazy beats, then stalling, then going slow, then jumping to my throat, falling to my knees. My breathing is mirroring the craziness.
There is no one there.
Disappointment cuts like a knife. I was relying on him finding me today. Maybe Mardi was right and he’s moved on. Since there’s a base in Townsville, I presume army vehicles park on the side of the road often. I can’t stop at each one. I have to get over this.
Desolate, I walk back to my car, get in and drive away.
Tears well and my chest burns as I try to hold them back and drive. Pathetic. I’m pathetic. I sniff and slow for the corner. Another army vehicle is turning the corner on the opposite side of the road. My heart leaps and I curse myself. Is the place full of them? How am I going to live here when each one fills me with hope?
I look inside the vehicle as it passes, cursing myself as I do. He’s not there, you idiot. But he is. I’m sure it’s him. I pull off the road again. My heart’s pounding against my ribs. Was that really him? I’m not sure, it’s been weeks. It was only a glimpse. I was wishing and probably conjured his face on any man. I watch in the rear view mirror as the vehicle turns down the road I just left.
Would it hurt to follow?
My heart dictates and I make a u-turn and head back, half cursing my stupidity, half hoping.
Now there are two army vehicles on the side of the road parked one behind the other. I drive slowly past the vehicles, looking. There’s a soldier in camouflage uniform standing at the driver’s door of first vehicle. I stare. He’s familiar.
It can’t be.
I pull over in front of the vehicles, turning the ignition off before the car has even stopped. I leap out in a tangle of arms and legs.
“Tim!” I call loud enough the birds fly from the trees beside the road.
Tim looks up and starts laughing. I race towards him as he moves towards me. We meet and he sweeps me into a hug. It feels so damn good. He puts me down as if I’m made of fine china, making sure my feet are stable before he speaks. “We’re looking for you.”
