by Stefania Gil
They both were surprised and embraced. I was glad for them. They deserved a big goodbye.
The words spoken formed an untenable knot in my throat making me cry like the girl I was.
Sam was a wonderful man and he was making it clear to Holly that she should move on with her life and fall in love again. He explained he would cross over into the light following him everywhere and at last go to the place fate had planned for him.
“You give them a kiss from me. Remind them, every day, how proud I am that they are our children,” he concluded.
“I will,” Holly said tearfully.
“Thank you for everything, ladies,” Sam told the group of women who were murmuring. They smiled and nodded without ceasing to pray. “And you —then Sam turned to me. Come give me a hug.”
Without thinking, I approached him and hugged him.
We didn’t say a word. It was not necessary. With my tears, I was expressing my feelings. I knew he understood my feelings because he intensified his embrace when I broke down crying.
After he and Holly kissed, he walked to a corner of the room and disappeared.
It was the best true love scene I had ever witnessed in my life and the truth was I didn’t regret having been there to witness it.
***
All our effort, had been worth it. Holly looked relaxed and even happy.
The ladies in the esoteric store had done an excellent job. They achieved, in a way, I believed that yes, there was something out there always accompanying us. I remembered my mother and the absence of her words and hugs.
How happy I would have been to have a chance to see her again like what had happened with Holly and Sam.
After all we experienced in the esoteric shop, they did a full tarot reading for Holly and I was tempted to do one myself.
I wanted them to tell me what would happen between James and me. If we would see each other again. If I would have the opportunity to explain everything to him in person.
Although it didn’t take a psychic to know the answers to my concerns, seeing it was quite obvious what would happen in the future between James and me.
Nothing.
When we got back to Holly's house, her children and her father were waiting for us, anxious to know how everything had turned out. While they were talking, I sent Steve a message telling him he should stop by to see Holly, but not before going to the florist and asking Rick to make a nice bouquet of tulips to give to her. Steve was already aware of everything. He replied in his message, Claire had called him a few moments ago and, also suggested he visit tonight.
I asked Rick to have everything ready for Steve when he came to get the flowers.
During dinner, she explained to her children and her father everything that happened and how she felt after having lived through the experience.
“Anyway,” she said at the end of the conversation, “I'm going to ask Steve to recommend a therapist for me to consult once a week. I think it would be good to talk with someone who doesn’t know.”
“At last you are beginning to sound like the Holly I know,” I said laughing while thinking I should do the same with the therapist business.
“Tomorrow I will go to the bakery like normal. I want to start my new life.”
“That should start when you talk to Steve,” I said. My friend's face rose.
“He's been very worried about you, Mom,” Jason said.
“He hasn’t stopped calling. He is about to drive me crazy. Even Adam doesn’t call me that much,” Claire said, laughing.
“Don’t be cruel,” Paul told his granddaughter. “He is in love with your mother. I knew it as soon as I saw him at your birthday party.”
The doorbell rang.
Jason and Claire looked at each other with complicity and then at their mother. They kissed each of us and disappeared into their rooms while Paul opened the door.
I already knew, it was Steve. I smiled at Holly with complicity and was glad to see she returned the gesture.
“Go let him in.” Give him the big hug he wants. “I assure you, your father and I, are leaving,” I said softly as we walked to the living room. I greeted Steve and took Paul by the arm. “Come on Paul, these two have to talk.”
Paul blew Holly a kiss in the air as we closed the door.
“Thank you for everything, Jen,” said my adopted father when we were in front of the cars.
A lump rose in my throat. Now, I would begin my struggle. It was evident also because Paul hugged me.
“I've known you since you were a mischievous little girl. I know you're not okay and these days, you've been an oak to support Holly.” He pulled away a little from me and rested his hands on my shoulders. “Lessons in life are hard, honey, but things happen for a reason. I know your sadness has a name and surname. Everything passes. You will see.”
I hugged him again, very tight. I couldn’t tell him anything. The lump in my throat wouldn’t allow it.
We said goodbye and I went home to mourn, I needed to.
And a few more years passed...
It had been almost two years since James hadn’t wanted to know anything about me.
I let a sensible amount of time pass between our last call and the first—of many—calls I made to try to explain what had happened that night with Holly.
That night, I was also furious he was not interested in hearing my explanation. I wished he would go to hell, however as the weeks passed and ... some months, I understood I would have reacted the same way.
There were many times during our relationship, James suggested that he wanted me to meet his daughter. A little insinuation about his family in general, but I had to admit he did mention his daughter’s name several times. Always in an innocent way: ‘A Sienna loves to wear pink, you'll see when you meet her’ or maybe when we ate the chocolate mousse I liked preparing so much, he would say: ‘With this mousse, Sienna is going to go crazy’ and my lamentable answers were a drastic change of subject. James loved me in his life and had endured much.
Partly, because he understood me. He knew my problem with trusting someone again would take time. Time in which, all he did was show me I could trust him completely. That he would be incapable of hurting me. I, as always, refused to see my beautiful reality.
Everyone had a breaking point and it had been logical for James to have his, even if he had chosen the worst moment to break.
I had called him many times. In all the calls, at the third ring, his voicemail came on. I knew he was diverting my call to voicemail. I had done it with Carl in the past. With this action you send a message to the person calling insistently: I do not want to talk to you.
I hadn’t stopped calling. I only called less often. Sometimes, I would let a lot of time pass by to see if I could catch him off guard and have the good fortune of him answering the call without checking who it was first. Although, it seemed he had given me a special ringtone to know to avoid taking the call.
So much later, I appreciated the abundance of work.
I dedicated myself to working everywhere. Sometimes in the florist's shop, sometimes in the bakery and so, when I got home, I was so tired, that I only had strength to cry for a few minutes before falling into Morpheus’ arms.
Considering how I missed James, I didn’t know anything about him and I wanted to. No, I wanted to see him with my entire being.
Each day that passed, I proposed to forget him. But I couldn’t. I still loved him as much as the day I discovered-without realizing it-how much I loved him.
During that time, I planned a thousand ways to present myself to him and say: “You have to listen to me whether you like it or not”. I even thought about flying to Hawaii, however, with my famous fear, this time, to rejection I never dared to take the step. My bravery began and ended with phone calls.
That morning, I had woke up with more courage. Maybe Steve and Holly’s pending marriage had injected me with some type of hope.
The wedding had been simple but cha
rming, those two were as much in love as a couple of teenagers and I was happy to be Holly's maid of honor, again.
I smiled on my way to the florist, thinking about the ceremony and everything we had planned to celebrate. Holly was beautiful in her white dress. Rick and I, made her a bouquet of tulips, her favorite flower.
I sighed. How nice it was to feel as much in love as the two of them were!
Everything led me, in one way or another, to think about James.
I shook my head, as if that action shook my thoughts.
I entered the florist's shop.
Rick was already there.
“Good Morning.”
“Hello, darling,” he greeted me smiling.
Rick knew my situation with James. I had to tell him everything that happened between us when I was absent from the florist shop for an entire week.
He knew something was happening to me and didn’t hesitate to confront me. So I told him everything.
I thanked him for listening to me, considering I needed to talk to someone. Much later, I told Holly everything. She could only support me. It was too late to tell me ‘I told you so’ or ‘do you see what happens when you don’t show your feelings?’
“You look good this morning,” Rick said, taking out the flowers we would use to make the bouquets.
“I try.” I smiled at him. “I was thinking Holly's wedding was beautiful. And maybe that...”
I sighed.
“Are you encouraged?” Rick asked.
I nodded.
“Have you tried calling him again?”
“No, Rick. It's already clear he doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s not two days that has passed, it's almost two years. I’m sure, he continued with his life. I should do the same.”
“Have you tried sending an email?”
I shook my head again.
“Never?”
“No. I think it’s too informal for the situation.”
“Yes it is, but in emergencies, there are no formalities. And this, my dear, was an emergency from the beginning. He has to know how you feel.”
“What would I achieve with that?”
“I don’t know. At least, you're going to lighten your burden you're holding there.” He pointed at my heart.
“I'll think about it.”
“If you think about it, you won’t do it. I know you. Stop that.” He took the roses I was preparing from my hands. “I'll take care of everything. You, go to your office, turn on your computer and send that email.”
What was the worst that could happen? James didn’t respond?
Rick was right, maybe it would serve as therapy for me. With that email, I managed to say everything I had planned to tell him the day I saw him again. If it ever happened, of course.
I went into my office, turned on the computer and started writing.
I had never written so much or so fast in my life. Despite, I felt what I wrote wasn’t enough to express all my feelings completely.
Nor my fingers fast enough to follow my thoughts.
But I did it.
I ended by writing:
“I value and appreciate the infinite patience you bestowed upon me. It was not in vain. I learned to love you and to wish for a life with you. Unfortunately, I realized it very late.
I love you.
Jen. “
My stomach churned as I pressed “Send”
Yes, I felt a little lighter after having told him exactly how I felt however my weight, wasn’t accumulated by words. My weight was sadness. It seemed that even time couldn’t heal.
Rick interrupted me.
“Honey”, Carlota is here.
“Oh yeah! I immediately got up to attend to her.
I inspected my appearance in the bathroom, and went out to meet my client.
Carlota was a longtime customer. Not only for parties, but also for decorating her house daily. Every week, I sent several orders to her house always full of flowers.
For that reason, when she arrived a week ago, asking me to be the one in charge of decorating with the most beautiful seasonal flowers for the surprise engagement party for her son. In which he would ask his girlfriend to marry him, I couldn’t refuse the offer. In addition, I could charge double, due to the speed with which we had to work.
That was very good. In addition, I added the pastry service to the engagement party. I would win all the way around. Which would help me complete the figure I was going to offer Carl for his part of the florist.
Everything was going well at work. At least.
“Carlota” I hugged her as I usually did with my trusted clients. “What brings you here?”
“I come to check on the progress of the preparations.”
Carlota was a 70-year-old woman although she looked 60. Charming, very refined and a perfectionist.
I nodded smiling.
“Everything is going great. Today we received the last orders of the flowers you requested and we will begin to assemble the arrangements tomorrow. By Saturday morning, I'll be there and help you put everything in its perfect place.”
She smiled pleased.
“That's why I always work with you. You know how I like things.”
She pulled out a small envelope from her wallet.
“I always put you to work and I never let you enjoy the event. That night dear,” she handed me the envelope, “you're invited. It's a very special night for everyone. My son finally found the woman of his dreams. The one who makes him immensely happy.”
“Oh!” I opened the envelope with surprise. “Thank you very much. You shouldn’t have bothered.”
“It is rather, a pleasure you accompany us that day.”
“I'll be delighted Carlota, thank you very much.”
***
That week passed slower than a turtle’s journey, despite the fact we were extremely busy at work. We didn’t have enough time to cover the work scheduled for the day. I was thinking of hiring one more person to help us out, because if we continued like this, Rick and I wouldn’t be able to cope.
It was Friday. When I arrived at the office, the first thing I did, as I had done a thousand times before, was to open my email to see if I was lucky enough to have an email in my inbox. From James.
But, like the other days, I found nothing and I began to lose hope of renewing contact with him allowing me to express my feelings.
I deflated. Although I tried not to lose hope due to us having to leave everything ready for Oliver to dispatch the decoration bouquets for the party at Carlota's house.
It had been days since I had heard from Holly. I dialed her number.
“Hi darling, how are you?” she answered cheerfully. The noise surrounding her, led me to believe she was already in the bakery.
“I am fine, how are you?”
“All right. Excited. I was going to call you to tell you last night, Jason surprised me with the news that he is going to propose to Samantha.”
“How wonderful!” —I’m very happy to hear it. Samantha is a great girl and they love each other. “When do they plan to take the step?”
“I still don’t know but I'm sure it will be on the trip they have scheduled in early summer.”
Oh! Yes! We were in the spring. My favorite season a few years ago. Now, they all seemed the same to me.
“What are you doing this weekend?” Holly asked. “Steve and I are going out of town. Do you want to come? You need to rest a little.”
“I can’t. A client, Carlota —Holly knew her— invited me to the party she is giving at her house tomorrow and I didn’t want to let her down.”
I remembered when I let James down.
Damn it! I'm not going to stop thinking about him.
“Mmmm, we'll plan another trip.”
There was a silence between us and I knew what it meant.
“No Holly, I still don’t have any news from James.”
I had called her the same day I sent the email to James telling her what I
had done. She was dying to know what happened next.
“Wow! Surely he is busy and hasn’t had time to check his email.”
“Umhum,” I said incredulously. “I hope so.”
“I have to go, a wave of customers are coming in,” she said hurriedly.
“OK. Today, I can’t be there in the afternoon. I can’t leave Rick alone. I’ll see you on Monday. Enjoy your weekend.”
“Thank you, friend, enjoy your party.”
We hung up.
I went to work with Rick. We had to get to work if we wanted to finish everything for the next day.
***
On Saturday morning I woke up with a strange feeling. I hadn’t slept badly, despite that, I had a heaviness.
I soon realized it wasn’t heaviness, it was an anguish that had settled in the pit of my stomach.
I remembered my mother saying, something always happens. I hoped it wouldn’t be bad.
I tried to nullify the feeling by distracting myself.
I checked my emails and nothing.
I got dressed, ate a piece of toast with cream cheese and my usual coffee before arriving at Carlota's house.
I was at her house all day. We placed all the arrangements in seemingly fitting places and I helped her finish other celebration details so that everything was in order on time.
When I left there, I decided to go to the mall.
A few days before, I had seen a beautiful dress with vibrant colors. Very spring and I wanted to buy it to wear to the party.
I needed to revitalize myself and the best way for a woman to revitalize herself and “end” depression is by spending money.
So I didn’t just buy the dress. I bought shoes, other dresses, matching bags with shoes, aromatic salts for the tub and some moisturizers for my face.
In the shoe store, I almost had a fit. I fell in love with a pair of fuchsia heeled sandals that made me remember how much James would like to see me naked in those shoes.
Thank God, the shop assistant saved me from my ‘almost crisis’ by showing me more models and encouraging me to try them all on.
