His hands snake around my back and he unclasps my bra with ease. As I lay back down, he pulls my arms through the straps. I hear a tiny clink as it hits the floor to my left. Then again, he’s gone. You would think I wouldn’t feel completely bare laying here naked with a man who can’t see, but it’s quite the opposite. His hands gently come to my upper thighs. The way he touches my body with his hands, I know he’s creating a 3D image in his brain. There’s not an inch or a flaw left unfelt. He comes to a scar I got on my leg when I was nine when Nina and I and our families went camping. He gently inspects it with his finger, and then moves on. As he touches my body and runs his hands over my skin, I feel like he knows my body better than I do.
I feel two dips in the mattress close to the side of my head, and then I start to feel a strange sense like he’s close. Without being able to see him, I can’t be sure. I don’t know what makes me do it, but I lift my head and by instinct, my lips touch his and I softly kiss his lips. I didn’t see his face in front of mine, it was just a feeling. I just knew his lips were right there. His body comes down on mine, then he lifts up slightly and one hand is removed from the bed. Then I hear the distinct sound of a condom opening. It’s like an exact picture of what he’s doing is playing out in my mind. Even though my eyes are closed and covered with his tie, I can see him putting on the condom in my brain. Listening to the heightened sounds is all kinds of crazy sexy.
Then I feel him as he slowly slides himself up and down my entrance. On a downward stroke, he pushes himself inside me. I can’t help the moan of pleasure that escapes my lips. He slowly continues in and out. I rake my fingernails across his back, and I feel his shoulder blades come together and his back arch with his own pleasure.
Suddenly, I have the urge to see his face. I want to see what this is doing to him. But he wants me to experience what he sees. I raise my hand to his face and brush it across his features. His brows are pulled together and his mouth is open as he groans deep in the back of his throat. His face turns into my hand and he places a gentle kiss in the center of my palm. God, that is hot.
I wrap my leg around his upper thighs and pull him into me with every inward thrust of his body. His head comes between my breasts, and then he trails his tongue over to my nipple. My back arches off the mattress and I take the side of his head in my hands and run my fingers through his hair. The smell of the product or the shampoo he uses in his hair wafts past my nose, and I find it mesmerizing.
His tongue trails from my nipple, up my throat, then over my jaw. He thrusts it into my mouth the same time he thrusts himself hard into me. The bedframe loudly crashes into the wall behind us. Every loud bang fuels every sense that I have, except for my eyes. My orgasm comes quick, but it rolls through my body slowly sending every inch of me into hyper, sensitive overdrive. He continues to move as I ride out the longest orgasm of my life. When I finish, his grunting changes and his whole body tightens. He roots himself firmly inside me, and then he rests his lips at my ear. With every sigh in my ear as he releases, I feel myself falling more and more for him.
Just like the first time, he removes himself from me and I hear him tie the condom in a knot. I’m not even sure what he does with it. Come to think of it, I don’t know what he did with it the last time either. He removes his tie from around my eyes, turns me over on my side, and then firmly tucks me into his side. His arm wraps around me, and the sigh that tickles my ear tells me a thousand unspoken words.
“I’ll never be able to say it,” he whispers.
He’ll never be able to say what? I find myself asking myself that in my head, but I’m scared to say it out loud. I’m scared of knowing all there is to know about him, but I’m scared of letting him let me go too.
“I’ll never be able to say to you those three little words that every woman wants to hear. You need to know that right now about me. I’ll hurt you, it’s guaranteed. I’m willing to give this a try, but don’t say I didn’t warn you and don’t create drama when months down the line, I don’t say the words you need to hear,” he says.
His words are like a stab to my heart. What has this man gone through to make him this way? Do I act the foolish little girl who says that it’s completely fine for now, because I know in time, I’ll be able to change his mind? You can’t change a man. A woman shouldn’t try to change a man. To a point sure, you can change the little things like getting him to put the toilet seat down or getting him to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, but that’s just a courtesy. Saying, or not saying, something as fundamental as “I love you” is huge. Can I show him what love is? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak? But, the way he feels pressed up against my body and what he just showed me were phenomenal. He said he’ll only hurt me. Do I take that at face value, or allow myself to fall deeper and deeper? I think it’s too late. I’m not in just deep. I’m already in way over my head.
I can feel her thoughts radiating from inside her as I hold her tight against my body. Joss is so different from other women. She needed to know what she’s getting into with me. I needed to lay all of my cards on the table, or at least the cards in my hand. But not the ones up my sleeve. As I hold her tight against my body, it’s not doubt that I feel. It’s not the kind of need I’m used to feeling for a woman, or from anyone for that matter.
As I drift off to sleep, a memory, or it could be a foolish boyhood wishful thinking, plays in my mind. I was maybe eight, it was my dad’s birthday, and my mother was in the kitchen, singing, making Eggplant Parmesan. My dad came home with a bouquet of flowers, which was strange because it was his birthday, yet he gave my mother a gift. As she stood at the counter with her back to me, my dad walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. He gently kissed her neck as he placed the flowers on the counter next to her. She turned her head and smiled. It was a genuine smile, not the fake one she usually displayed to others. As he left, he trailed his index finger over her ass, earning another genuine smile from my mother.
Anger builds inside of me. These are confusing visions. Where are these images coming from? Then the car accident, then the last sight I ever see pierces my heart and I fall into a fitful sleep holding Joss in my arms.
The next morning, I wake in a cold sweat in an empty bed. I hear the muffled, distorted sounds of Joss and Nina talking. The bedroom door must be closed and they must be in the kitchen. I can’t make out anything that’s being said.
Shower.
I need a hot, steaming shower.
I feel like this tug of war has taken over inside of me. There’s this ugly, angry side, that holds onto my childhood and my upbringing. Then there’s this time with Joss, and it’s something I never imagined I could feel. But with it brings these new images that I’m not even sure are real or not. There’s this feeling in the center of my chest and it’s filled with frustration and fear. It excites me, but at the same time, it makes me furious.
I rip the sheet off me, and feel the floor with my feet for where I left my pants. I pick them up, dig my cell phone out of the pocket, and hit speed dial to call Josh.
“Are you alright?” is how he answers on the half ring.
He’s probably just as confused as I am. I’ve never stayed at a woman’s house overnight.
“Pick me up at Joss’s in ten minutes. Make that fifteen,” I say, and hang up on him.
I put my shoes on a chair I find in the corner of the room, and then I gather the rest of my clothes and feel my way to her bathroom. Before I can do anything, I need to feel the layout of the bathroom. I find the counter and feel that it has a double basin. First, I set my clothes in the center of the counter. Then, as I run my fingers across the top, I knock over several of her personal items. Nothing frustrates me more than an excess amount of clutter sitting on counter tops. Everything should be neat and items should be kept to a minimum. I feel the individual items: hairspray, a brush, dozens of makeup products, lotion, deodorant, toothpaste, a hair tie, and perfume. I pick up the perfume and bring it to my no
se. Smells like Joss, earthy and sexy as hell. I shove all of the items to the back of the counter, but leave the perfume sitting in the middle. Next to the counter is the toilet, and next to that is the shower. It has a glass door and is a very small, telephone booth sized shower. I open the door, feel along the wall until I run into the knob and turn it on. I crank it all the way over to get the water as hot as it will go. I close the bathroom door, and then breathe in the heavy steam that’s starting to build in the room. I step into the shower and let the scalding hot water wash over my head and my thoughts.
I can feel my emotions on the edge, demanding to bubble over and escape. Bad things happen when I don’t allow them to escape. My weakness is desperate for release. I can’t. Not here. I take in a deep breath, and then feel around in the shower. She has a rack that hangs from the showerhead overflowing with products. There has to be at least ten items here. What in the hell does one need with so many products? I start grabbing bottles, opening lids and smelling them. I’ve narrowed shampoo down to three bottles. I hope that she doesn’t keep Nair in her shower. I pour some product in my hands and rub them together. If it doesn’t lather, then I’m not using it. The familiar smell of Joss’s hair when I ran my fingers through it last night hits my nose. Yes, this is her shampoo.
I quickly wash and get out. The quicker the shower, the less of a chance my weakness has to make an appearance. I feel the wall for a towel bar, grab the soft towel hanging there and quickly dry off. I dress, and then run my fingers through my hair. I feel toward the back of the counter where I shoved everything and find her toothpaste. I squirt some on my finger and run it over my teeth. It will have to do for now.
I exit the bathroom and I immediately sense her in the room. I don’t know where she is, but every hair on my body knows she’s in here. I act as if I don’t know she’s there. I go to the chair to retrieve my shoes, but they aren’t there. A smile is silent, but hers just now crashes into my chest and fills it with that unknown feeling again. That grey matter is suffocating the room. Black and white…I need black and white, yet there’s something intriguing about the grey matter.
I turn around and listen for her. This has to be killing her to be so calm and quiet. The closer I walk toward the bed, I hear her. Her intake of breath through her mouth gives her away. She’s sitting at the end of the bed. I turn back around and walk toward the door. I hear her hand smack over her mouth as she tries to stifle a giggle. I can’t help my own pull of a smile, just imagining what she looks like sitting there. My hands tell me she’s beautiful, but what I wouldn’t give to see her with tousled hair and that just fucked last night look on her face. I turn back around and sit on the side of the bed.
Quickly I turn and wrap my arms around her stomach, bringing her down on top of the bed. I take my shoes from her hands and set them next to me. I bring my hands to her face and feel her huge smile. This feels so right, but it’s confusing at the same time to think that it’s me putting this smile on her face.
I bring my lips down to hers and I kiss her smile away. As her lips warmly move on mine, my cellphone chirps indicating I have a text. I dig it out of my pocket and hit the text to speech button.
“Outside,” the robotic voice reads the text.
It’s Josh. He’s waiting for me.
“I have to go,” I tell her.
I let go of Joss, take my shoes, and then swing my legs over the edge of the bed. I bend down and put them on my feet. I come back to her and give her one more kiss. I stand and walk toward her bedroom door.
“Can I see you tonight?” she asks.
“I don’t know my schedule. I’ll have to get back to you,” I tell her.
“Alright,” she answers quietly.
And there it is. Her disappointment is laced in just one word. She gets up from the bed and walks over to me. Her hand comes to my face, and then gently runs down my stubble. I open the door to leave, but before I exit, I turn back around and face her. I place my hand on her face and don’t get a read on her emotions. I bring my face close to hers and give her one last kiss. Her face morphs back into that huge smile she had just moments ago, and only then do I find that I can leave. I don’t know where the words come from that come out of my mouth next.
“I’ll call you later,” I say.
“Alright,” she says again, but this time happily.
Joss wraps her arm around my elbow and opens the bedroom door. As we get out to the hallway, I hear Nina moving around in the kitchen.
“Later, River,” Nina calls.
“I made coffee while you were in the shower and I put it in a to-go cup for you. I noticed you have half-and-half in your refrigerator at home, so I put some of that in there. I hope that it’s you that likes it that way and not Josh. But, I guess you can always give it to him if it is. I don’t know if you also use sugar, but I can add some if you take it that way,” she says, and then lets go of my arm.
She comes back, takes my elbow again and places a paper cup lined with a cardboard sleeve into my other hand. I take a quick smell, and it has to be the best coffee I’ve ever smelled.
“It smells perfect, thank you,” I say.
She leads me to the front door and opens the door.
“Oh, hi Josh,” she says, once the door is open.
“Joss,” he greets her.
I hear Nina scooting herself as far out of sight in the kitchen as she can go when she hears Josh’s voice.
I squeeze Joss’s hand on my arm, then Josh takes my other arm and he walks me to my car. As I take my seat, I hear Joss close the front door.
“Home to change, then to the office,” I instruct Josh.
The second the front door closes, Nina is in my face and pulling my arm over to the couch. She shoves my ass down on the cushion, takes my cheeks, turns them toward her face, and gives me the look.
“What?” I answer as best I can, with her hands smooshing my cheeks together.
“Don’t what me! River Mason slept in our house last night,” she says.
“So,” I answer with my face still squished.
“Scratch that. River Mason slept in your bed, with you, in our house last night,” she reiterates.
“So,” I answer again.
Inside, though, I can barely contain myself. I’m not a kiss and tell kind of girl, although Nina and I have shared some pretty kinky stuff with each other. I’m dying to tell her about last night. Well, not everything from last night, just the highlights.
“If you say so to me one more time, I’ll cut you,” she says, and then removes her hands from my face.
“Nina, it was spectacular. It was like nothing I could ever put into words,” I start to tell her.
“How about you just try?” she insists.
“I’m scared out of my mind, but I feel like I’m in a fairytale at the same time. He came here last night to warn me, to tell me that he’ll only hurt me. Nina, I can tell he wants to be with me, but it’s like he already knows I’ll only end up hurt,” I begin.
“He’ll hurt you? Like how?” she asks, concerned.
“He thinks he’s no good for me and that in the end he’ll only end up hurting me emotionally. The strange thing is, I honestly believe him. But, at the same time, I find myself irritatingly wanting to accept that. I don’t know when or how, but until then, I want to be with him. He’s so strong and authoritative on the outside, and I have this huge attraction toward him, and I see this wounded bird on the inside, and stupid me…I want to fix him.”
“You know that can’t happen,” she reminds me.
“I do know that. Last night while we were talking, I asked him what it’s like being blind,” I tell her.
“You didn’t!” she says, surprised.
“I did, and then he showed me,” I say.
“How on Earth did he do that?” she asks.
“He took me to bed. He blindfolded me with his tie, which was all kinds of kinky sexy, then he made me feel and hear what he experiences and he showed me ho
w to see without using my eyes. He showed me the tiniest glimpse of what it’s like for him. I know people say don’t take things for granted, and seeing with your eyes is definitely one of them. But, he opened up this whole new world of making love that I never knew existed. Did you know you can actually hear someone unbuttoning a dress shirt? It was spectacular, Nina. I’ve never felt so alive. It was hot and sexy, and nothing like I’ve ever felt before,” I tell her.
I look into her eyes and I see what I must look like talking to her about this. She’s just as intrigued as I am. I saw the worry on her face when I told her that he’d only hurt me. I know how she gets about how a man treats a woman. This is totally different. I honestly don’t think he could hurt a fly. I think she understands that even though I may be setting myself up for the biggest heartbreak of all time, I have to see where this goes. I can’t deny myself this time with him. The ‘what if’s’ are endless. Is it better to end up hurt, than to never have loved in the first place?
A key slides into the lock outside, and the front door is opened as Maddy walks in.
“Good morning, ladies,” her chipper voice calls.
“Morning, Maddy. I’ll take a quick shower, then we can have our morning meeting, and then load up,” I tell her.
Before my ass can come fully off the couch, Nina grabs my hand and gives me a squeeze. I’m so glad she understands.
I walk into my bedroom, close the door and rest my back against it. I look at my bed and see the comforter on the floor, the sheets askew and I smile. I walk to the bed and have a seat where he slept last night. I take the pillow and bring it to my nose. It smells exactly like him when I ran my fingers through his hair. I put the pillow down, and then look at my own. I sure hope I know what I’m getting myself into. Just how do I introduce River Mason to my parents? Mom, Dad, meet River Mason, we’re dating. Why, yes, this is the same River Mason who’s California’s richest, most desirable bachelor.
I See...Love (A Different Road #1) Page 13
