by Thessa Lim
Jazmine coughed. “I need water.”
Zara poured water into a cup on the bedside table and handed it to her friend.
“Liam is still at the nursery. The nurse said he should be back here by six. Some newborn tests they have to do.” Zara beamed at her. “You did such a great job! He’s perfect.” She took the cup from Jazmine and refilled it. “Anne and Laine went back to Manila to get some clothes for you and him.”
“Thanks, you gals. I can’t believe I survived last night.” Her face scrunched, and she cried. She reached for Zara’s hand, but her own hand trembled as she moved. “Please don’t leave me . . . I’m s-scared.”
“Jaz, we’re here for you. We’re so sorry we didn’t tell you and brought you here. It was selfish. If-if anything had happened . . .”
Jazmine nodded through her tears. “I’m just glad you’re here. Even if we were back in the city, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you gals weren’t around.”
Zara slid her arm around Jazmine’s shoulders. “Jaz, can you please never ever doubt us? We’re tight, like sisters.” She glanced at the door and back at her friend. “Do you want me to get Liam?”
Jazmine nodded and smiled. “Yes, please.”
Jazmine held Liam and thanked God that he did not have his father’s looks yet. Her baby was perfect. She felt sad that Braden had not been there to experience this. But now, Liam was hers, not theirs, but only hers.
“Jaz, I can’t go through with this. It scares the hell out of me. I’m too young to be involved in something like this.”
“Braden, I can’t do this without you.” Jazmine felt a weight settle in her heart. Suddenly she felt cold.
“And I can’t do this. I can’t take responsibility for this.”
“Braden, please! This is our baby!” Jazmine’s voice hitched. “My family—”
“They’ll want me to look after them too. It’s too heavy for me. Too big.”
“Please don’t do this . . .”
“Sorry, Jaz. Really, I am. But . . . goodbye, Jaz.”
They had been together for two years; it seemed like a dream. They would date every weekend. And even though she was demure, she learned to kiss passionately and hold him close. After weeks of coaxing, then increased intimacy, she was finally seduced.
Jazmine wanted him to be the man she would marry so that she would only ever be with one man her entire life. Braden was not known for steadfastness, but he made her laugh, gave her flowers when there was an occasion, and accompanied her wherever she wanted to go.
He left her when she was five months pregnant.
A month before Braden abandoned her, she went home to Legazpi on the eight-hour rail trip to the eastern end of Luzon. The day was hot and humid, and her hormones . . . The spicy dilis[3] her seatmate was eating reeked and made her want to throw up—it was not dried fish really; it smelled like bloody, dead fish. The chickens clucking among the belongings of another passenger smelled to her like what they were—poultry and their feces. Braden could not join her then; he had to work overtime, he had said. Looking back now, she was not sure he had been at the office at all.
“What? You’re pregnant? What’s going to happen to us?” Jazmine’s mother demanded, slapping her hand on the dining table. “Who will send your sister to school? She’s still in high school!” Her mother stood with a hand on her hip and a glare on her face.
Jazmine’s mouth dropped open, but she quickly closed it. No care, no courtesy. The selfishness laid bare.
“Well, I haven’t really thought about how much the baby will cost . . . not yet,” Jazmine mumbled.
“Does Braden have a good job? How much does he make a month?” her father added and stared at her from his seat. “I welcomed that shameless twit to our home, and this is what he does to me?”
“How can you do this to us?” Her mother threw her hands up in the air. “Can we still expect any help from you?”
She did not even notice that her daughter was sweating, her legs swollen from the trip, and her feet red since she walked the thousand meters from the main road to the house.
Jazmine could only cringe as the implications of the pregnancy on her family dawned on her. Out of the corner of her eye, Jazmine saw her sister, Christine, peeking down at them from the top of the stairs.
What happens to Christine from now on . . . I can’t think of it.
Since Jazmine had started working in Manila after university, she earned enough to look after herself and send money for her sister’s education as well as her parents’ monthly expenses. Six months after she began sending money home, her mother stopped working at the factory, and her father was not so concerned anymore about looking for jobs or keeping them.
At that moment, as Jazmine gazed at her beautiful boy, her Liam, the troubles of the past months all seemed worth the hurt. She had no idea how to take care of a baby. She had read things in books and online, but she was going to have to wing it. She was certain her three girlfriends had no idea either. But by any means, she was going to take care of this baby and give him a handsome future.
CHAPTER THREE
Zara and the Break
Three weeks passed since Liam’s birth. In those weeks, the girls had grappled with learning how to care for a newborn. That and Jazmine’s special attention to Liam’s laundry and diaper changing. During the weekdays, one of them went to Jazmine’s home, dropping off packed food, letting her get in the shower, or joining her for dinner. Over the weekends, they ran errands, played with Liam, and, in the rare times the opportunity presented itself, lazed in front of the television in her apartment.
This Thursday morning, Zara prepared to fly to Cebu to meet Jake. The girls were too busy attending to Liam that she had to take a taxi by herself to the airport.
Jake was her boyfriend of two and a half years. They met while they were at the university, but it was not until they were working that they got to know each other. Jake used to work at an investment bank in the building right next to Zara’s office. They bumped into each other on the street one time.
“I’m on my way to get lunch. Want to join me?” he had said.
She had smiled and nodded wide-eyed. He was wearing black, and good-looking men dressed in black always made her bite her lower lip. A week later, they started dating.
A year passed, and Jake received a job offer in Singapore. Without a second thought, he grabbed the opportunity and relocated. At first, Zara encouraged him, letting him cut Skype dates short or miss her birthday when he was busy abroad, but then later found out that she missed the physical company, the late-night dates, and the hours-long conversations. They only saw each other every three months or less often than that. During those times, Jake either flew to Manila or arranged for both of them to fly for a vacation.
The previous week, Jake had to work late hours in the nights, and on the few hours when he was free to chat online, she was caught up in a meeting or a social engagement. She had lashed out at him and demanded that he relocate back to Manila. Jake pragmatically pointed out why he could not do so, and then she also pragmatically pointed out why she could not move to Singapore. They had reached an impasse. Feeling that she should be reasonable about things, she dropped the subject then.
Jake was waiting for her at the Cebu Airport. They boarded the car he hired to take them to the port where they would catch a ferry to Bantayan Island.
Jake nudged her chin. “Are you okay? You’ve been quiet.”
“I’m often quiet.” She smiled and shrugged. “Just a little tired.” It did not help that she missed a night’s sleep when she took her turn helping Jazmine with Liam a couple of nights before.
She brightened the mood by telling him about all the stuff they could do at the island. She had done her homework and wanted to cover the top five highlights . . . at the least.
As she filled him in about a cave they should visit, his mobile rang. When he glimpsed who the caller was, he lifted a hand and answered the phone. Her mou
th hung open as she paused midsentence.
During the two-hour drive to the ferry port, Jake’s mobile sounded every now and then. Realizing that they were not going to be alone this weekend, she turned her gaze out the window, taking in the different towns they passed. Zara was a writer at a travel magazine and was used to going out of town around the country. The sights were familiar, as provincial towns usually looked the same, and she liked observing people as they went about their daily business.
She smiled weakly as she watched an old man pushing a rickety wooden cart filled with coconuts. He crossed the road as a jeepney[4] stopped at the side. An old woman, lugging a live chicken with its legs bound with rope, boarded the vehicle even though it was already full. Finding out that she could no longer squeeze in, she sat at the edge of the jeepney and loudly tapped on its side to signal the driver to move on. When the engine roared to continue the trip, kids who just made purchases at a nearby sari-sari[5] store made a play of racing after it.
The sun was already setting when they arrived. They were staying at the newest resort on the island. Two-story Mediterranean-style villas, painted with pastel colors, stood all over the Liberty Lodge Resort property. Orange, yellow, and blue tiles that festooned the floor and the tops and bottoms of the walls reminded Zara of pictures of Gaudi’s Park Güell in Barcelona.
Once they entered their room and dropped their bags onto the floor, Jake set his phone aside on the bedside table. He grabbed Zara’s waist and started kissing her on the lips and neck.
“Jake . . .” Zara gasped and chuckled as he playfully nuzzled her ear.
“I missed you.” Jake stared into Zara’s eyes as he cupped the back of her head and kissed her fully on the lips.
He brushed a hand down her long dark hair and smiled. When he ran his hands all over her slim body, his breathing quickened, and his cheeks flushed. She took in the hungry look on his handsome face and his toned body clad in preppy beach attire, and breathed, “I missed you too.”
Zara wanted to talk about the thought that had been nagging her, but before she could say anything, Jake was kissing her with urgency. She felt her body melt against his, and she pushed away whatever betraying notion her mind held.
That would have to wait.
She was going to have these few days with Jake.
The next day, Jake and Zara made plans to explore the island. Even though Jake joined Zara in swimming and lounging by the beach, he only did so in the morning. When afternoon came, he excused himself from snorkeling to return to his laptop.
Late in the afternoon of Saturday, Zara strolled around the small town of Bantayan by herself. Jake had to respond to some emails and had stayed in their room. She walked barefoot along the shores of their resort. The breeze was cool. When the sun began to set, Zara stopped and sat down on the fine white sand. She stared at the orange hues on the sky and hugged herself.
After a few minutes, she heard footsteps pad on the sand. Jake plopped himself down beside her.
“I saw you from upstairs,” he explained.
She nodded but did not meet his eyes. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and moved closer.
When he squeezed her shoulder, Zara finally spoke, “The tide was pretty high this morning. The water was great. I wish we had taken that bangka[6] ride around the island.”
Jake pursed his lips. “That would’ve been nice.”
“But impossible.”
With all the things you have to do.
Jake watched her with a puzzled look on his face. He shook his head and stared at the sky with a frown. Suddenly the smells of the salty sea, the heat and sweat on their burnt skin, and the sunblock made her heady.
“Jake, I wanted to talk about us.”
He grunted. “Last we talked, we couldn’t reach an agreement.”
“I know, but shouldn’t we? I honestly don’t know how much more of the long distance I can handle.”
“Have you changed your mind?”
“No.”
“I haven’t changed mine either. We’ve got to work with what we have now. People have done this before. It’s not impossible, hon.”
Zara clenched her fists but only heaved a sigh. This was what he said the last time as well. “Then I guess you don’t really care that this is killing me inside.”
“Zara, of course I care, but we have to take advantage of opportunities on hand.”
Zara swallowed. Her mind reeled over the fact that she was now seriously considering ending their relationship this very weekend.
As the moon peeked at them from behind the grey clouds, Jake and Zara sat on the wicker rattan furniture on the veranda of their villa. Zara sulked as she curled up on her side of the bench. She had barely spoken since their conversation at the beach. Her dinner had gone almost untouched.
He glanced at her, considering her for a moment. “Did you enjoy this weekend? You look great in your tan.”
She shrugged.
He smiled. “In fact, not just great. Sexy would be a better word.” He reached for her and pulled her up. “Come here.” He leaned forward and bit at her earlobe.
She flinched and pushed him away. “Stop it.”
He frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“You probably talked more to your boss than you did to me this weekend.” She inched away. “And this was supposed to be our time.”
His shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry . . . It’s pretty hectic at the office nowadays. Everybody’s tense about a divestment deal.”
“B-but I’m here. I’m making time for you . . .” She looked him in the eyes. “We’ve barely talked these last weeks. I feel like, like we’re drifting apart.”
“No, we’re not.” He shook his head. “Things are the same as before. Nothing’s changed with me.”
“No, you’re different,” she insisted and huffed out a breath. “You’ve learned how to zone me out. When you attend to your calls and numbers and papers, you don’t see me anymore.”
He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s not true. I . . .”
He can’t even explain it.
Her body shook.
He sighed. “Hon, just come here.”
He touched her arm, but she slapped his hand away.
“Don’t.” He could barely hear her when she whispered, “Years ago, I promised myself I’d never love anybody more than he loved me . . . And yet, here I am with you.”
He seethed and stood up. “Now that’s unfair! How can you question me like this?”
She threw him a dark look. “Don’t think you haven’t given me any reason to—”
“This is low, Zara,” he growled. “You should know how much I love you—”
Her chest ached. How she wanted to believe him. But every week since she asked him to come back, every week that he spent away from her made her wonder.
“Why does she have to call you when she knows you’re away on vacation?”
“Who?”
“Your boss.”
He shrugged. “I’m just moving up. She trusts me.”
On a particularly lonely night, Zara had googled his boss and found her on LinkedIn and Facebook. The woman was probably several years his senior, but she was still a pretty thing. Pretty and single from what Zara managed to dig up.
“Is there somebody else?” Zara breathed. This time, she could not look at his face. Her eyes watered as she waited for his answer.
He cursed. “Don’t pit me against your exes.”
“Then why have you changed? Years ago, you said you just wanted to try working abroad. You said a couple of years was all you wanted. Why haven’t you talked about coming back?”
He shook his head and only continued to glare at her. “Did you even hear yourself just now? Do you know how hurtful your words are? You accuse me of something your mind only made up, because you let yourself feed on your regrets.”
Her palms sweated and turned cold. She braced herself for what was to come.
I can’t h
elp it. I can’t fix this part of me . . . And the distance between us is only making it worse.
With her eyes closed, she said, “Let’s end this now. I can’t do this anymore . . . I’ve been thinking about it since you last went away.” Her voice cracked, and she opened her eyes. “I . . . I’m not strong enough to wait for you every time. And you . . . you don’t want to come back, which makes me feel that I’m never going to be good enough for you.”
“So what you’re saying is, I should go back to Manila or else we’re over?”
Ugly and selfish. But I have to be now to protect myself.
She looked at the ground, her shoulders slumped.
He cursed and walked out on her.
When she woke up the next day, Jake had already packed and gone. He left a note saying he was taking the first ferry off the island and she should take the ferry before noon so that she could catch her flight back to Manila. Zara cried when the reality of the breakup sank in.
He didn’t even fight for us.
After Jake came back to their villa the previous night, he did not talk to her and had a stony look on his face the entire time. He even slept on the rattan sofa.
Zara packed her things and walked the walk of shame to the reception. She found out that they had been checked out already. When asked if she needed two seats on the shuttle van that would bring her to the Bantayan port, she looked away and said she only needed one.
After the ferry ride back to the mainland, a rental car picked her up at the port to bring her to the city. The driver chatted with her eagerly, trying out his Tagalog with her, but Zara could barely smile at him.
Remembering Cebu’s finest, Zara asked the driver to stop by a local market for the famous Cebu lechon[7] and chorizo.[8] She might just gripe about her heartbreak over all the sweet chorizo she could get.
Does chorizo taste good with vodka—lots and lots of vodka?
CHAPTER FOUR
