“Only his doggie knows for sure!” Trapper John’s voice cried triumphantly.
“What the hell is this?” Rhotten demanded angrily.
“Has your rug slipped lately?” Hawkeye’s voice inquired as a slide of Rhotten having his hair lifted by Boris at the airport in Casablanca filled the screen.
“Glue your wig with Ever-stick!” Trapper John cried as a slide of Rhotten, first chasing his wig under the airplane and then of him clamping it, somewhat cockeyed, on his head, flashed on.
“Lights,” Hawkeye called.
“That ought to zing them, out there in TV land,” Trapper said, “don’t you think?”
“You wouldn’t dare!” Rhotten said. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Don-Baby,” the Hon. Edwards L. Jackson (Farmer-Free Silver, Arkansas) said, “I know these guys. Believe me, they would.”
“Where did you guys get those pictures, anyway?”
“That would be telling,” Trapper John said. “Let’s say a little sheep told us.”
“What do you want from me, anyway? How much?”
“It’s not money,” Hawkeye said. “Perish the thought!”
“What then?”
“We have a few little suggestions for changing your story that we’d like you to listen to,” Trapper John said, “a new slant, as I believe you call it.”
“I refuse to do it,” Rhotten said. “I have my television ethics; newscasting is my sacred duty!”
“As I was saying to Howard K. Smith just the other day,” Hawkeye said, “the one thing a TV journalist must have is ethics, a sense of duty.”
“That wasn’t Howard K. Smith you said that to,” Trapper said. “It was Walter Cronkite.”
“So it was. I forgot all about him. Well, we’ll give Howard the rug-and-dog shots, and Walter gets the scalping shot. We wouldn’t want to play favorites.”
“Let’s hear your suggestions,” Don Rhotten said. He knew he was licked.
“Bring in the new film, boys,” Hawkeye said, “and the tape recorder. We have to do a new voice-over.”
Two hours later, as the satellite passed overhead, the slightly revised story was telecast to Don Rhotten’s 11,345,213 viewers. Monitors had been set up for the amusement of the guests of His Majesty in the hotel banquet room.
“Good evening,” the familiar voice said, “this is Don Rhotten, and this is a special ‘Rhotten Report’ from Marrakech, Morocco. Americans have been much in the news here in the last day or two.”
His face vanished from the screen, and there was film of the Sheikh of Abzug and Miss Penelope Quattlebaum signing documents.
“Through the brilliant personal diplomacy,” Rhotten said, “of this beautiful and charming young American diplomatress, Miss Penelope Quattlebaum, the Sheikhdom of Abzug today signed an agreement with the United States for joint exploitation of Abzugian oil.”
The Sheikh finished signing, stood up, leaned over, kissed Penelope on the cheek and raised his glass toward the camera. At this point, Mr. Rhotten diverted from the straight facts.
“The Sheikh here toasted Abzug-American Cooperation in the future,” Rhotten said. Only those Americans who could read lips knew what the Sheikh really said with his benevolent smile: “Your mother wears army shoes.”
“It will be,” Rhotten went on, “sadly, Diplomatress’s Quattlebaum’s last diplomatic triumph. Her marriage to Sheikh Omar ben Ahmed, heir-apparent to the Sheikhdom of Abzug, took place earlier today, performed by the Rev. Mother Emeritus Margaret Houlihan Wachauf Wilson, of the God Is Love in All Forms Christian Church, Inc., in a joint Christian-Moslem ceremony.
“This correspondent has learned exclusively that to mark what he called ‘a whole new era in Moroccan-Abzugian-American diplomatic relations,’ the Secretary of State personally telephoned the King of Morocco to inform him that he is replacing all American diplomatic personnel in the area immediately. While the new Ambassador has not been named, it has been announced that it will not be the current Deputy Assistant Under Secretary of State for North African affairs, whose retirement has just been announced.
“And this TV journalist has learned, exclusively, that the King of Morocco, in honor of the Quattlebaum-Ahmed nuptials, has issued a general pardon for all Moroccan citizens under a death sentence. It is reported that he took this action at the request of his American medical consultants, Drs. B.F. Pierce and J.F.X. McIntyre, who came to Morocco on vacation, but have since devoted themselves entirely to Abzugian-Moroccan medical problems.
“The King was so impressed with what he called the ‘nose-to-the-grindstone’ attitude of the American physicians that he has forbidden them to do any further work while in the Kingdom. He says he hopes that they can now find time for a healthful recreational activity, such as golf, before returning to the loved ones they miss so much.
“And finally, there was a rumor that French interests were attempting to block the American-Abzugian oil deal, but they were laid firmly to rest tonight when the President of France announced that, as a token of his all-around esteem for the Abzugians and the Americans, the Government of France is donating a maternity hospital. It will be named the Boris Alexandrovich Korsky-Rimsakov Memorial Lying-In Hospital, after the star of the Paris Opera, to be constructed in the Abzugian capital. As a token of his appreciation, the opera singer presented the President with a home movie of the President’s wife, taken earlier today.
“And that’s the news, the unvarnished news, from Marrakech. This has been ‘The Rhotten Report,’ and this is Don Rhotten.”
His famous face vanished from the monitor in the banquet room. The lights were turned up. Horsey de la Chevaux got up, walked over to the Reverend Mother and asked her to dance. The band struck up “The Sheikh of Araby.”
MASH 06 MASH Goes to Morocco Page 24
