“Hey!” I started laughing and glanced over at the Sound.
“Well?” She gave me a sly smile.
“So far so good,” I said. “But I don’t want to jinx anything.”
“You’re not going to jinx anything. I swear there has been something interesting between you two since the beginning,” she gushed.
“How about you? I’ve noticed you’ve gotten pretty quiet about the whole dating thing?” I arched a brow.
“Same old, same old.” She waved her hand, rolling her eyes.
I wasn’t sure I believed her.
“And you’re realizing he loves you for you and doesn’t care about the transplant?” she asked, her tone gentle.
“Yes, mom,” I teased. “He’s been so sweet. I guess I expect it to freak everyone else out as much as it freaked me out. He said those three famous words to me before he left.”
“He did?” her eyes wide.
“Yup, and I said them back.”
“That makes me so happy.”
We were sitting on the patio, having breakfast. Jason had already been in Texas five days, and I missed him tremendously. Our text had gotten a little more sporadic in recent days, but I chalked that off to the convention and possible family stuff. Besides, if he had contacted his aunt who knows what might have happened, good or bad. I was taking care of Tomato and Sunny while he was gone and loved spoiling them, but I was sure they missed him.
“I’m going back there this afternoon to stay with the girls at home,” I said, not even realizing what it sounded like until I looked back up at Brandy.
“Home, huh?” she repeated, unable to wipe the obnoxious grin off her face.
My eyes widened with embarrassment, realizing how presumptuous that sounded and I started chuckling. “I didn’t quite mean it like that.”
“No judgment here,” she said, her voice an octave higher.
“Oh, boy,” I sighed as I saw my phone signaling an incoming text from Lily. I quickly read over the message, grimacing at Brandy. “Doesn’t sound good. Just got the text of shame from our girl.”
“What happened now?” Brandy asked, rolling her eyes.
“Apparently the boss’s son is what happened,” I said, frowning.
“I told her not to,” Brandy groaned. “It’s like she does this stuff on purpose.”
“Maybe she thinks there’s a chance with these guys. Maybe her radar is just a little out of whack,” I offered.
“A little?” Brandy shook her head as disappointment plastered her face.
Granted, Brandy had a lot of fun in college, but she came from a solid family unit. Her parents have been married for twenty-nine years, and her two older brothers adore Brandy to a fault. Her mother, who’s an attorney, runs a non-profit that provides legal help to individuals who can’t afford it. That’s where Brandy first began volunteering. Her dad, on the other hand, threw himself into his construction business. Brandy grew up in an upper-middle class home, but everything her family did was understated, which was in direct contrast to mine.
“I firmly believe that the happily ever after exists,” she huffed, crossing her arms. “And I think Lily is purposefully avoiding it.”
“Well just because it exists, doesn’t mean everyone wants it. Some people prefer career over family. Or would at least like one to take off before the other. Or who knows what I’m talking about.”
“Do you really think that’s true though?” she asked, focusing her stare on me. “I know you’ve said it a million times about yourself, but I’ve never believed it for a second.”
“Is that so?” I arched a brow.
“Yup,” she said, grabbing her phone.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Lecturing her the best I can,” Brandy replied.
“There’s a reason she didn’t send you the text,” I said, smiling. “She doesn’t want a lecture.”
“If she gets in it any deeper, it’s not only her heart that’s going to get trampled. It’ll be her career too.”
“I hate to sound cold, but sometimes the only way to learn is to go through it and get slapped around. If she’s fifty and doing the same things then maybe you should step in but…”
Brandy twisted her lips into a pout and then shook her head. “Nope. I’m giving her my two cents.”
I started laughing and texted a quick message to Lily.
Beware of Brandy’s wrath… I tried to stop her xoxo
“So I wanted to talk to you about some work stuff,” I told Brandy, as she was busily texting away.
“Yeah?” she asked, her brow quirked up.
“I’ve decided I’m going to buy that espresso shop that Jason’s got for sale.” My heart was pounding as I finally voiced it to someone besides Jason. And I was so worried that she’d be kind of mad for getting her to come work for my father’s company if I was planning on bailing.
“Thank heavens,” she squealed, jumping up to hug me. “I’m so excited for you.”
“I wanted to tell you before I told anyone else.”
“So your dad doesn’t even know?” she asked, her eyes huge.
“Nope. I don’t really plan on telling him for awhile,” I confessed, taking a sip of orange juice.
“How are you going to get away with that? He’s going to notice you’re not there,” she said, laughing.
“No. I’m not quitting. I’m keeping the current staff and will start small, baking a few breakfast items to see how it goes.”
“Uh, you’ve gotta be kidding. You don’t want to work nine or ten hours a day and then have to run the coffee shop, not to mention when are you planning on actually baking?” She shook her head. “Don’t like it one bit. You’re gonna wear yourself out.”
“I’ve got it all figured out. The one thing I’m learning pretty quickly at work is that it will always be there the next day. If I leave around 5 o’clock everyday then I can go to the shop, take care of the business side of things, check in with the staff and then I’ll go home, crawl in bed and wake up at three o’clock to start baking. And I’ve already started doing it and you didn’t even know.”
“Why don’t you just quit your day job?” she asked, puzzled.
“I’m a firm believer in always having a backup plan until things take off,” I said.
“Well, if there’s anyone who can pull it off, I’m sure it’s you,” she said. “I’ll help in any way I can.”
“That’s very sweet of you, but your school is going to be starting in a couple days, and something tells me you’ll be plenty busy as well.”
“As much reading as I’ve already done, I can’t believe the semester hasn’t already started. I’m not complaining, but I have a feeling it’s going to be brutal.”
“I don’t envy you,” I said, laughing. “The only types of classes I want to take are fun ones.”
“Who said classes like Legal Researching and Writing or Litigation Basics aren’t fun,” she said, sitting back down.
“To each, their own,” I said shrugging.
“My parents are leaving tomorrow for Ireland. They’re celebrating their anniversary,” she said, beaming. “See? That’s what I want. It does exist.”
I shook my head and smiled as my thoughts fell to my own family. I already knew it wasn’t perfect, but finding out how fractured it had really been was difficult. I hadn’t reached out to Bernie yet, and I felt kind of guilty about that, but I wasn’t sure exactly what to say. Was he like a stepparent at this point or would he rather I didn’t know? I was kind of hoping time would iron that one out for me. If I were to be really honest with myself, there were moments when he’d felt more like a father than my own growing up.
“Well, I say enjoy your time with Jason. It’s been nice having all this study time.”
My brow quirked up. She was definitely up to something.
“Sure it has,” I replied.
I had a full day at work but still had managed to arrive early at the house and gave both gi
rls a bath and tidied up where I could, not that there was much to be done. I did repot his flowers, because they needed some sprucing up, by trading out the geraniums for chrysanthemums, but that was about it.
I was so excited to see him again. This had been one of the longest weeks. Ever.
I heard the Jeep in front of the house, and my heart started pattering a little faster at the thought of him coming through the door. I went and grabbed the ‘Welcome Home’ helium balloon I’d picked up on the way over and had it in hand when he opened the front door. Instead of the warm homecoming I was expecting, I got nothing but a blank expression.
There was something different about Jason as he stood in the entry. Dropping the luggage to the floor with a thud, he tossed his keys on a table and rubbed his eyes. Maybe the visit with his aunt didn’t go very well. We had planned on me meeting him tonight when he got back from Texas. I had expected a warm homecoming, not this—whatever this was. I had never seen this side of him before, but it reminded me of what Aaron mentioned.
“Hey,” I said softly. “Everything go okay?”
Jason glanced over at me; a crashing of emotions he didn’t even attempt to hide swirled between us. My chest tightened with worry as I caught a mixture of hurt, pain, and disgust before he turned away from me.
“Show went fine,” he murmured, barely looking at me. The girls came bounding down the hall, and his mouth immediately broke into a smile as he petted them before they took off up the stairs.
“Did you meet your aunt?” I asked quietly. When he turned back to face me, the kindness immediately fell from his lips.
“Didn’t bother,” he said, turning toward the stairs. “I’m gonna go shower. It’s been a long flight.”
“Want me to come with you?” I asked, attempting to wash away the worry that was churning in my stomach. If he declined the offer something was definitely wrong.
“No,” he said, tapping the banister. “Probably best if you didn’t.”
I stood there staring, my mouth parted, ready to say something—anything—but no words would come. Instead, I took a step back and watched him climb the stairs quickly, not even looking back.
What had I done? What went wrong in a week? We hadn’t even been together for something to go wrong. I spun around quickly and ran to my purse, grabbing my phone.
I quickly texted Aaron, hoping he’d have some sort of insight.
Everything okay with Jason? He just got home and things don’t seem right.
A message came back almost instantly
He hasn’t talked to you about anything?
I quickly typed back
What do you mean? Like what?
I saw that Aaron read it and attempted to stop and start typing back, but then the screen went blank. This wasn’t good. He had something to say, but didn’t know if he should say it.
I wasn’t going to wait around. I typed Aaron a simple message and waited.
Tell me now
I saw that Aaron began typing back just as I heard the water from upstairs turn off. My heart started pounding as I waited for the message to arrive and when it did, I knew our lives would never be the same.
He asked me what the date of your heart transplant was. I didn’t know, so I asked Carla and found out it was November 1st. I didn’t respond back to him. He texted me all week for the date… He knew that I’d found out but wouldn’t tell him.
I leaned against the kitchen island, my pulse racing as I swallowed back the tears. This couldn’t be happening. Why was this happening? The influx of emotions collided deep within my soul as the world around me began spinning. My hands trembled as I placed my phone on the counter. I didn’t want to text my brother back. I didn’t want to ask the final question. In my heart, I knew the answer and so did Jason.
Jason’s fiancé had died on November 1st. She was my donor. I survived because she did not. I began feeling lightheaded as the weight of everything settled over me.
Another text came over the phone.
It’s not your fault. No one could have known. It never occurred to me…
It had nothing to do with fault. It was no one’s fault. It was life and one was traded for another. The lump in my throat was growing with every passing minute that Jason wasn’t down here. I had fallen in love with him, given him everything. I made him believe in love just as much as he had made me, and now I wasn’t sure that was enough.
I heard him slowly walking down the stairs and rubbed the tears off my cheeks. I would be strong for him, and I would be strong for me. I couldn’t make things different than they were.
When he walked down the hall and into the kitchen, he kept his gaze to the floor until he stood only feet from me.
“November first,” I whispered, my hand instinctively covering my chest. “My donor’s name was Natalie.”
“Natalie.” He nodded, his voice hoarse. His gaze dropped to the floor.
“I’m so sorry,” I murmured, unable to move.
“Don’t say you’re sorry,” he snapped. I looked up to meet his hardened gaze. “There’s nothing to apologize for. You didn’t kill her.” His jaw tightened.
His words hit me like a dagger to the soul. Yet there was nothing cruel about his words, only the delivery. I opened my mouth to tell him goodbye, but all that came out was a squeak.
I stood there unable to say anything to save the situation, to save us. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love another human being and because of that I knew I had to let him go. I looked over at Tomato and Sunny and regained my control, my strength. I took a step forward toward Jason, and I could feel the uncertainty roll off him. He didn’t deserve to go through this twice. I was going to make it easy on him. No matter how much I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, I had survived too much to let this take me down, to let him take me down. I needed to end it before both of us got even more hurt.
“I understand. It’s for the best,” I said, nodding, reaching out to clasp his hand. “You taught me how to be myself again and how to follow my heart, my dreams. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that.”
He opened his mouth to say something but closed it slowly. As he looked into my eyes, I could see the pain behind his, and that’s when I knew that some things were just beyond control and always had been.
I had thrown myself into transitioning the espresso shop into my ownership. Rather than the time payments and a gradual takeover that I had planned on, I decided to deplete my nest egg and pay Jason outright for it. He refused at first, but I eventually won out through countless emails and finally a check that arrived at his doorstep. It was better that way for both of us.
I had done a mighty fine job of lying to myself and to him that night I broke everything off, but every day had gotten slightly better than the one prior. Maybe that was another lie. I had lost track, but Brandy did a great job of reminding me that I was full of it.
I had included a tiny note in the envelope that had the payment for Jason to stop by and that pastries were always on the house, but he hadn’t taken me up on the offer. Or if he had, it wasn’t when I was around.
I was busy staring at cheese reports in the day and jetting off at night to take care of the espresso shop, and that’s where I was right now. I decided that I wanted to freshen up the interior and was painting the walls a nice sage green. Actually, that, too, was lie. The old décor reminded me of Jason, and that wasn’t a good thing so I recruited Carla to help, which also meant I needed to tell my father about my side business. He wasn’t happy about it. At all. He was still under the impression that it was a transaction that could be stopped, and I was expecting him here any minute. My hope was with a roller in hand, he’d get the message.
I went over to the window and flipped the sign to closed and locked the door. I took off my sweatshirt and threw it on the counter. The beautiful summer that was bestowed upon Seattle was now being paid for with a vengeance. The moment September arrived Seattle had experienced torrential downpours,
flooding and cold temperatures.
I knelt down by the paint can and flipped the lid off and poured some into the tray just as a pair of headlights turned into the parking lot. Perfect timing! Roller in hand, I unlocked the door and waited for Carla and my father to come inside. My dad looked really good. No one would ever have known that anything had happened.
My dad had said that I was too young to understand, and I was throwing everything away by getting involved in this business. I hoped tonight he would understand that this was where my heart was.
My father walked into the coffee shop, with Carla by his side. He didn’t say a word. Instead he just looked around the café, analyzing and picking everything apart. I could tell. It was what he did with anything I’d ever presented to him in life. Whether it was a My Little Pony or my first car, he would stare at the objects long and hard, dissecting potential issues. And that was exactly what he was doing as he stood in the espresso shop now.
“We saw Jason at the diner tonight,” my dad said, and I caught Carla smacking him.
My heart fell.
“You came for dinner on the island?”
Carla nodded.
“And you saw him?”
This time my dad nodded and began taking in the space, walking around, knocking on walls, and tapping on the floor.
“It’s a great location,” my dad confirmed. “I can see why this was tempting.”
Instead of being ecstatic over my dad’s proclamations, I couldn’t stop wondering about Jason.
“Was he alone?” I asked, glancing at Carla. Her gaze fell to the floor.
“No,” my father said, turning to me. “I know it’s none of my business…”
“You’re right,” I said interrupting him. “It’s none of your business.”
He pressed his lips together and looked at my stepmom.
“Your history of avoidance won’t get you far,” my father said. “Look at what happened with me. I will never forgive myself for keeping your brother and you apart because of my own personal…”
“Dad, it’s not the same. There is no avoidance. I’m a walking reminder for Jason that his fiancé died. That’s not something that can be shoved under a rug and be forgotten,” I argued, more with myself than with my father. “Believe me, he wouldn’t be avoiding it. I saw the hurt in his eyes when we figured it out.”
Beyond Control Page 23
