Shawna

by Maggie Wells

  “Oh, thank God,” Shawn said.

  As Dr. Tracy dabbed at the wounds, Jack started screaming again and tried to pull his foot out of her hand.

  “Isn’t there something you can give him?” Shawna asked again.

  Dr. Tracy pulled a tube out of a drawer. “This will numb the area and prevent infection.” Jack screamed while she applied the gel but then quieted down once she was done. Dr. Tracy finished wrapping Jack’s burns with gauze and looked at Shawna.

  “What exactly happened?” she asked.

  “The bathtub water was too hot,” Shawna said. “He was only in it for a second, I swear!”

  Dr. Tracy put her hand up. “On second thought, I think I need to find someone who can speak with you in private.”

  “I forgot to test it with my elbow before I put him in,” Shawna said. “I always test the water.”

  “Wait, please,” Dr. Tracy said. From the look on her face, Shawna knew that Dr. Tracy thought she had burned Jack on purpose.

  Vivian spoke up. “We’ll speak to whomever you need us to.”

  “Are you nursing him?” Dr. Tracy asked.

  “Yes,” Shawna said.

  “You might want to nurse him right now,” Dr. Tracy said. “To calm him. He’s probably more scared than hurt right now.”

  Shawna picked up Jack gingerly.

  “I will be right back,” Dr. Tracy said.

  “I need to call Philippe,” Shawna told her mother.

  “Go ahead,” she said. “I’ll wait here.”

  She went into the hall. Philippe picked up on the second ring.

  “There’s been an accident,” Shawna said.

  “What the fuck?” Philippe cried.

  “He is going to be okay.” Shawna said. “We’re in the emergency room. My mom is here.”

  “What happened?” Philippe asked.

  “Oh, my God, I’m so stupid!” Shawna cried. “The bath water was too hot and I forgot to test it before I put him in. I burned his legs.”

  “Jesus Christ,” Philippe said. Shawna detected something in his tone that suggested something like this was inevitable.

  “It was an accident,” Shawna said.

  “I should call my parents,” Philippe said.

  “Just come down,” Shawna said. “You can call them later.”

  By the time Shawna hung up, Jack had fallen asleep on her shoulder. The gauze pads on his legs were oozing and the sight made her hate herself for screwing up so badly. She went back into the room where her mother was talking to an older male doctor.

  “Ms. Black,” the new doctor said. “As Dr. Tracy said, your baby’s burns will heal with time. No scary surgery will be necessary. We would like to keep him overnight to make sure that the wounds are properly cleaned and dressed. The nurses will teach you how to change his bandages.”

  Vivian spoke up. “Shawna lives with me. The nurse can teach both of us.”

  “Were you home at the time of the accident?” the doctor asked.

  “No, I teach at Berkeley,” Vivian said. “Shawna called me immediately.”

  “So tell me what happened, Shawna,” the doctor said.

  “I feel so stupid.” Tears sprang to her eyes. “I always test the bath water with my elbow, just like they taught us in prenatal school. Somehow, today I forgot.” She omitted the part about Jack slipping out of her hand. Shawna looked at her mother. “Tell him how careful I am,” she pleaded.

  The hospital admitted Jack; Shawna and her mom accompanied his stretcher as they wheeled him up to Pediatrics on the fifth floor. Shawna sat on the bed, stroking Jack’s head as he slept. Vivian claimed the lone armchair.

  “You don’t need to stay, Mom,” Shawna said.

  “Every new mom has done something like this, Shawna,” her mom said. “I did it to you, my mom did it to me. Why do you think they teach you how to test the bathwater in the prenatal class? Do you think you are the first mom to burn her baby in the bath? Being a teen mom has nothing to do with it. It looks much worse than it is. The doctors know that. Although it probably helps that you are living with me and not in some rat-infested basement downtown.”

  “Somehow you are not making me feel any better,” Shawna said. “I would rather be the first teen mom to not injure her baby.”

  “Okay, sweetie.” Her mom stood and kissed Shawna on the head. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Shawna put Jack into the bassinet, the same type of plastic box that he was transported in when he was born. She climbed into the bed and stared at the ceiling. She was struck by the thought that it seemed like only yesterday that they were in this very same hospital and how different everything felt now. She watched Jack’s blanket rise and fall with each breath and thought what a good, sweet baby he was and how was she ever going to protect him from all of her mistakes, past and future. What have I done by bringing him into the world?

  She thought of Jack at eighteen, struggling in college like she was and feeling like shit. Having his hopes raised and shattered in work and in life—falling in love and having his heart broken. She thought about blood and accidents and death and dismemberment until a wave of grief rolled over her, smashing her onto the rock-hard hospital mattress.

  The next morning, Mrs. Henri arrived to take them home.

  “Where’s Philippe?” Shawna asked. “He was supposed to come last night.”

  “Some school event,” Mrs. Henri said. “And this morning, he has class.”

  “Couldn’t even be bothered to visit his son in the hospital?” Shawna muttered.

  “Well, I am here now so let’s get you two cleaned up,” Mrs. Henri said. “Your mom came by last night with a change of clothes for the baby.”

  Shawna changed Jack on the hospital bed, dressing him in a t-shirt and sweatshirt but leaving his legs bare. Mrs. Henri was staring at Jack’s legs from across the room.

  “Poor baby,” Mrs. Henri said.

  “I know it looks horrible,” Shawna said. “But the nurse put a topical cream on it and he doesn’t seem to be in any pain. Otherwise, he would be screaming.”

  “Stuff like this happens, Shawna,” Mrs. Henri said. “Nobody is blaming you.”

  Yeah right, Shawna thought.

  Shawna buckled Jack carefully into the car seat. He looked like a tiny, maimed soldier with his thick gauzy bandages. She sat in the back seat next to him and was glad she did because Mrs. Henri was a terrible driver, swerving, honking and braking madly.

  “Did Philippe tell you about the time I spilled coffee on him?” Mrs. Henri shouted from the front seat. “This little episode reminded me of it. I had just purchased a new coffee maker and I was trying to figure out how to use it when the whole damn thing exploded and baby Philippe was covered from head to toe in coffee grounds and hot water. What a mess!”

  “How badly was he burned?” Shawna asked. She thought about what her mom had said—you are not the first mom to burn her baby.

  “I don’t even remember,” Mrs. Henri said, laughing. “I don’t even think we took him to the hospital. Just tossed him in a cool bath and wiped him up. This stuff happens.” She braked suddenly at a red light. Jack’s head bobbled on his neck and Shawna clutched the seat back in front of her.

  TWENTY

  SOMEHOW THEY MADE IT SAFELY HOME AND SHAWNA settled Jack in his crib. The car ride had made him drowsy and she was happy to have a few moments to herself. She logged onto Facebook.

  Shawna: I burned my baby with the bath water. I’m a terrible mother!

  Jasmine: Is he okay?

  Shawna: We just got back from the hospital. They kept him overnight. Second-degree burns on his legs.

  Aleecia: Second degree—that’s bad, right?

  Lucie: I googled it—some blisters, no permanent scars. WebMD says to feed him twice as much as usual.

  Shawna: How do I do that?

  Candy: Offer him a bottle every hour and see if he’ll take it. Babies are just like dogs, they’ll keep eating even after they aren’t hungry
.

  Izzy: Dogs or people. I could eat ice cream all day.

  “Gaby and I had lunch yesterday,” Shawna’s mom announced at breakfast a couple of weeks later.

  Shawna was feeding Jack in his high chair, scooping applesauce and mashed peas out of little jars. His bandages were off and his burns had scabbed over.

  “That’s interesting,” Shawna said. “I didn’t know that you two were friendly.”

  “Not friends,” she said. “But we’re family now.” Her mom poured herself a second cup of coffee and sat down next to Shawna. “She is concerned—we are both concerned—about Jack’s safety. You are overwhelmed with school and parenting.” She took a deep breath and set her cup down on the table. “She would like Jack to go live with them until he is a little older.”

  “That is funny, Mom,” Shawna said. “Mrs. Henri and I discussed sharing custody a month or so ago and we figured your response would be, ‘over my dead body!’”

  “We are not talking about joint custody,” she said. “We just want to make sure there are no more accidents.” Vivian made air-quotes with her fingers.

  “What?” shrieked Shawna. “Mom, you know how much I love Jack and how careful I am with him. What happened was one freak accident. You said so yourself. So did Mrs. Henri. I am not the first mom to burn her baby. Did you know that Mrs. Henri scalded Philippe with a whole pot of hot coffee when he was a baby? You said you scalded me. What are you talking about?”

  “Shawna, honey, I was twenty-eight when I had you. I was already out of graduate school and teaching full-time,” she said. “You know you went to that very same daycare where you drop Jack every day.”

  “Exactly!” Shawna said. “I grew up fine in that daycare place—and so will he. And whatever happened to your notion that you were going to raise Jack? Remember when Mr. Henri asked you if you were going to quit your job to raise him? Whatever happened to that plan?”

  “Shawna, don’t be silly,” her mom said. “You know I’m tenured and it would be foolish for me to leave my position. And Daddy is traveling so much these days, goodness knows. Meanwhile, Gaby is home all day and she wants to take care of Jack. You can see him as much as you like but it would take a huge burden off of you, off of all of us.”

  “Burden?” Shawna shrieked. “What burden does Jack pose for you? You read him a book every now and then. I don’t see you feeding him and changing him and cleaning up after him! After all this—you didn’t want me to get an abortion, you talked Daddy into letting me keep him—now you want me to give him up?”

  “Calm down, Shawna. We’re not talking about adoption,” her mom said. “Just guardianship.”

  “Guardianship?” Shawna said, forcing her voice to sound calm. “Isn’t that the same thing? She would have legal right to make all decisions about his health, welfare, and education. Isn’t that basically saying that I am an unfit mother, if my child needs a legal guardian?”

  “The hospital may have filed a police report. I think they are required to do that for any minor that comes in with a questionable injury,” her mom said. “And I think it would take a lot of pressure off of your dad,”

  “Fuck, Mom! Police report, seriously? And what about Dad? What kind of pressure are we talking about? Where is he anyway? I almost never see him, anymore.”

  Vivian took a long sip from her mug and weighed her words, carefully. “You are an adult now, there is no point in trying to keep secrets from you. You know your dad has never supported the idea of you having a child at your age.”

  Shawna’s face was ashen. She nodded.

  “It has been a very divisive issue between us,” her mom said. “I can’t tell you how many times he has asked me what I was thinking in supporting your decision to have the baby. And you know I can’t tell him the truth.”

  “Mom,” Shawna said. “Why can’t you tell him? After all these years together you really believe he would hold it against you?”

  “There are two things, really,” she said. “First is the shame of it—I don’t think he would ever look at me the same way again. And then there is the issue of deception. All these years I have kept a secret from him. When a couple goes through that—revealing a secret that they have been hiding for years—the other spouse starts to question everything—wondering what else has been hidden. And if there were a perfect time to tell him, it would have been when we found out about your pregnancy. So there’s that, too. I’ve held onto it for too long. He would never forgive me.”

  “Where is he?” Shawna asked again.

  “He got an apartment in Sacramento,” she said. “He has been working on a huge corruption case and the commute became too much for him. At least that’s what he has told me. Maybe he has a girlfriend there. I don’t know.” She looked crushed, about to cry.

  “Mom!” Shawna said. “You can’t be serious? Dad does not have a girlfriend!”

  “Well, I think if Gaby took Jack and you moved into the dorm, I might be able to coax him to come back home,” she said.

  “This is not my fault!” Shawna said. “I am not giving up my baby to save your marriage. This can’t be happening. I’ll talk to Dad.”

  “No, you will not!” she barked. “This is none of your business. I should not have said anything.”

  “I’ll talk to Mrs. Henri, too,” Shawna said. “I am an adult and nobody can make any custody or guardianship decisions without my consent. Nobody is taking my baby.”

  While Shawna was nursing Jack in between classes, she texted her father.

  Hi, Dad. I miss you. Can we have lunch this weekend?

  Dad: Sure, kiddo. Will you come here?

  Shawna: Mom said you got an apartment? Can I see it?

  Dad: Not really an apartment. The firm put me up at an Extended Stay hotel. It is kind of a dump, really. Lots of long distance truckers and folks like that.

  Shawna: Okay. Then let’s meet at a restaurant—something good for kids.

  Dad: You are bringing the baby?

  Shawna: Yeah. We are kind of attached at the hip.

  Dad: I’ll find a spot and text you.

  Shawna: Coolio.

  Was her Mom losing her mind? Dad didn’t have an apartment in Sacramento and he certainly didn’t have a girlfriend. And what was this nonsense about giving Jack to the Henris? I will get to the bottom of this.

  TWENTY ONE

  MRS. HENRI DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DO TEXT MESSAGING so Shawna dialed her cell.

  “Hello?” Mrs. Henri answered.

  “Hi, Mrs. Henri, it’s Shawna.”

  “Shawna! How nice to hear from you. Are you calling to schedule a play date?”

  “Yes, how is Sunday afternoon? Around two?” Shawna suggested.

  “That would be lovely, dear. I’ll have Philippe pick you up with all of the baby gear,” Gaby said.

  “So you haven’t bought a crib or anything?” Shawna asked.

  “No, why?” Mrs. Henri asked. She sounded suspicious.

  “Just curious what I need to bring, that’s all,” Shawna said with satisfaction. “Bye.” She hung up the phone.

  Jack was finished nursing so she burped him and changed him and handed him back to the daycare worker.

  She still had time before her next class so she logged onto Facebook.

  Shawna: My mom wants me to give my baby up!

  Jasmine: For adoption?

  Shawna: She wants my baby-daddy’s family to take custody.

  Aleecia: Wait a second! I thought your mom said that SHE wanted to raise the baby!

  Shawna: Yeah, well that was all bullshit. And my dad apparently left because he and my mom are fighting about the baby.

  Candy: Oh, shit, my parents split up over my baby too. Why is it that men always just want to get rid of the baby??

  Luci: I had an abortion a few months ago and I can relate to many of the girls/women on here. I'm 14 years old and I’ve been having sex with a guy that's in his 20's. A combination of irresponsibility and plain bad luck caused the preg
nancy. When we found out that I was pregnant my dad decided that I would get an abortion. I thought I would've been okay after I did it, but I've kind of been a mess ever since.

  Aleecia: Jesus loves you, Luci.

  Izzy: You don’t have to agree to do it, do you?

  Shawna: I’m going to talk to my dad this weekend.

  Jasmine: Let us know what happens.

  On Saturday, Shawna drove the eighty miles to Sacramento. Jack played happily in his car seat. He was starting to make noises that almost sounded like words. Shawna cranked up the radio and sang along with Jack interjecting, “Bah, bah, bah.” Her dad had chosen to meet at a Denny’s and Shawna found a spot in the parking lot. He was waiting for them at a booth in the back with a high chair.

  “Daddy!” Shawna cried when she saw him. He rose and gave her a hug and kissed Jack on the head.

  Shawna tucked Jack into the high chair and sat down.

  “Denny’s,” she said. “I can’t remember the last time we ate at a Denny’s. I wonder if I can get breakfast?”

  “They serve breakfast all day,” her dad said. “Twenty-four-seven.”

  “Do you eat here a lot?” Shawna asked.

  “No, I need to watch my waistline,” he said.

  “You look great, Dad,” Shawna said.

  “You do too, sweetie,” he said. “You have really lost weight.”

  “Sometimes I am so tired I forget to eat,” Shawna said.

  The waitress approached and they ordered.

  When the waitress was gone, Shawna took a big sip of ice water. “How are you, Dad?”

  “This case is really big—Villalobos? The CalPERS corruption case? Have you been following it?” he asked. “The firm stands to earn millions. When this is over, I plan to take your mom to Europe.”

  “Oh, I am so happy to hear that!” Shawna said. And then, matter-of-factly, she blurted out, “I think Mom is worried that you are having an affair and that is why you never come home anymore.”