He knew he should tell her he was thinking about the move west again—give her the chance to rail at him. But he couldn’t. Not now. Resting his cheek against the silky softness of her hair, he drank in her sweet smell and knew he’d never watch another sunset as lovely as this one.
Chapter 13
A sense of foreboding gnawed at Laney as she and Luke walked arm in arm toward the house. That was not a mere kiss of passion from a man more than ready to be married. It was something more. Fear railed against reason. What was wrong with Luke? He had gone from passionate to gentle to sullen in the span of thirty minutes. Now she couldn’t drag two words out of him.
She had asked him what was wrong, but he insisted everything was fine. He wasn’t being honest, and Laney didn’t like it one bit. A horrid thought wormed into her mind. What if Luke’s mood had to do with a certain Miss DuPres? She was everything Luke had admitted he thought a woman should be. Soft. Womanly. Someone a man could take care of. Laney could just bet that Miss DuPres would never even be tempted to lead a dance. The woman was as curvy as a winding road, too. A man couldn’t help but admire that. Laney cast an unhappy glance down at her own figure. She had about as many curves as little Jane.
Before they even reached the house, they were greeted by the heavenly smells of roast beef and freshly baked bread. Laney’s mouth watered. Pa had refused to come to supper, so Laney had warmed up yesterday’s stew, grabbed Jane, and left him to sulk on his pallet while they were gone.
Guilt pricked her at the thought of him all alone, slurping warmed stew, but she quickly pushed it aside. After all, she thought bitterly, she had given everything for him—even though he surely didn’t deserve it. Couldn’t she enjoy one dinner with her fiancé and the family without his sourness weaseling in to ruin it for her?
And she tried. How she tried to enjoy the time around the St. John table—like old times. Customary laughter prevailed over the supper table, and the loving looks that passed between Mama Cassidy and Papa Dell filled Laney with longing. How could two people love and laugh so perfectly? She knew the story of Mama Cassidy and Emily coming to Papa Dell by wagon train and how the first few months were difficult between Mama Cassidy and Papa Dell. But looking at them now, no one would guess they hadn’t always been in love. Mama Cassidy had shared with Laney once that sometimes love was hard-hitting and fast, snatching your breath away like a sudden wind. And sometimes it happened slowly over the years. Hers and Dell’s, she’d said, was like a twister. It came suddenly and brought with it all sorts of disasters until God’s peace calmed their storms.
Laney glanced at Luke from the corner of her eye. Theirs was a slow love. It had grown from friendship and had almost slipped by unnoticed. But the way Luke was acting now, she worried that perhaps he had decided he didn’t feel any kind of love at all. Was his odd kiss similar to the one she had given him last year? Some sort of test? Maybe she had failed. A gasp escaped her. What if he didn’t want to raise Jane? Or have to put up with her sickly pa?
Luke turned and caught her perusal. He winked, smiled, and captured her hand under the table. Laney smiled, and for a while her fears calmed once again.
Luke gripped Laney’s tiny hand, careful not to hold too tightly. Desperation clawed at him, and he feared Vivienne or someone else would mention Oregon at any moment. He intended to speak with Laney soon, but not yet. He glanced at her practically untouched plate and willed her to hurry and finish so he could usher her out of the house before someone spoke up.
“Not hungry?” he asked.
“Hmm? Oh. I guess not.”
“Are you feeling all right, Laney?” Ma’s all-knowing gaze studied her. “You are looking a mite peaked. Are you working too hard again?”
Relief overtook Luke. If Ma started in on Laney about working too hard and not eating enough, he was safe from anyone bringing up his own dreaded topic before he could discuss it with her.
Laney gave Ma a half smile. “No ma’am. I’m fine. Just not very hungry. Although the food is marvelous.”
Granny harrumphed from her place directly across the table from Laney. “Don’t you think I’d make her rest if we were working too hard? That was the whole point of my helping out over there.”
“Of course, Granny,” Ma said, her cheeks going pink. “I didn’t mean to imply you were remiss in your duty to our Laney.”
Luke’s heart soared when Laney squeezed his hand and grinned at him during the exchange between Granny and Ma.
“I should say not. Besides, if she’s peaked, it’s not because Mr. Tucker’s overworking her. It’s because of that pa of hers.”
Jane gasped, and Granny cut her a glance. “I’m sorry, Jane. I know we had a bargain, but you know your pa can be quite a trial for Laney.”
Luke noticed that the little girl looked ready to argue, then her face softened, and she nodded. “Yes ma’am. I reckon you’re right.” She screwed up her face. “But he ain’t no rascal!”
“Well, we won’t argue about that. Now you children finish your supper. Granny has some licorice sticks Mr. Tucker sent home with me last week.”
Cat, Hope, Will, and Jane shared smiles among themselves and went about cleaning their plates.
Luke was just beginning to relax back into the comfort of his family when Vivienne spoke up. “Speaking of your pa, will he travel west, too, Laney?”
Laney gave her a blank stare. “Why would my pa go west? He can barely go to the out—well, he can barely get out of bed—although he does seem to be feeling a mite better these days. But not nearly well enough to travel. I suppose he’ll stay with me until…” Her gaze darted to her sister. “He’ll stay with me,” she finished.
“I see. So you’ll be joining Luke in Oregon…” She followed Laney’s example and darted a glance at Jane. “Afterward?”
Luke wanted to slip under the table and slither outside unnoticed, now that Miss DuPres had opened up the topic he most feared. Why hadn’t he just talked it over with Laney while he’d had the chance?
“Oregon? How did you know about that? Besides, Luke already decided not to go.”
Vivienne’s face brightened. “Good for you, Luke! You took my advice after all. I told you, this is a wonderful place to lay down roots and start a family.”
“Your advice?” Laney said.
Luke squirmed while Laney glanced at him, then turned a scowl on Miss DuPres. “Luke decided not to go west months ago, before he even met you.”
Pa cleared his throat. Thankfully Luke turned his attention toward the head of the table. “Have you decided for sure not to head west, son? I can always keep you on as manager and pay Floyd what I promised him just to stay on as a hand. Unless you and Laney have decided to go ahead and try to build your own herd. You let me know if I can help.”
“Oh Luke,” Ma said, tears choking her voice. “I’m so relieved. I couldn’t bear the thought of you and Laney off hundreds of miles from home.”
Luke closed his eyes for a moment as Laney slapped both hands flat against the table and sprang to her feet all in one motion. “Everyone stop for just a minute.” She turned the full force of her glare on Luke. “Have you changed our plans without telling me? Because everyone here seems to think you’re headed to Oregon and that I’m heading there with you.”
Luke stood and cupped her elbow. “Let’s go outside and talk.”
She jerked away from him. “I’m not going anywhere with you. You’ve humiliated me in front of the whole family—plus one—now you can just tell me the truth in front of everyone, you low-down, low-down—”
Realizing she wasn’t going to come up with an appropriate follow-up, Luke interrupted. “I wasn’t keeping anything from you. I just hadn’t gotten around to telling you yet.”
The hostility in Laney’s expression gave way to a worried frown. Luke wanted to hold her close and kiss away that fear; but with the family watching, all he could do was be honest and say what she apparently had already figured out.
“Pa hir
ed Floyd Henderson to run the ranch. He suggested I might want to hitch up with the wagon train in Council Grove in a couple of months. I—I wanted to discuss it with you.”
Cold brown eyes stared back at him from a now-expressionless face. “Jane honey,” Laney said without breaking their gaze. “We’re leaving now.”
“But I didn’t get my licorice stick!”
“I’ll get you one tomorrow from Tucker’s. Get your things now.”
The little girl moved to do as she was told. Laney’s voice lowered in volume and tone. “Hitch yourself to that wagon train, Luke. But you’re not hitching yourself to me, too. And don’t think you’re going to come back and claim me after you’ve been gone awhile. No matter how much I ache for you, I’ll never leave this town.”
“Laney…”
She shook her head vigorously, her eyes wide, nostrils flared. “I told you before that Harper is my home. It’s my sister’s home now, too—look at how attached she already is to your family—and it’s even my pa’s home until he passes on. This is where my life is. I want to spend the rest of my days here. Get that through your head. I am never leaving.”
Luke reached for her. “I’ll stay. We’ll get married like we planned.”
Evading his grasp, she moved behind her chair. She spoke as though she had forgotten everyone seated around the table. “I never wanted to be your second choice.”
“Second choice?” Did she think he loved Miss DuPres? “Laney, there’s no one else.”
A short laugh spurted from her lips. “There may or may not be another woman laying claim to your affections, Luke, but that’s not even the point. I don’t want to be second choice to your lost dream. You’d always blame me that you didn’t have a chance to build your own dynasty in Oregon.”
“That’s not true, honey. Let’s just forget about Oregon. I don’t want to lose you.”
Laney continued as though she hadn’t heard him. “You would always be thinking of the what-ifs; and I and any young’uns we had would always be responsibilities rather than gifts from God. If I ever marry, I want to be my husband’s first dream, after God—not something he settles for because of a promise. Good-bye, Luke. I don’t hold any grudges against you, and I truly hope Oregon is everything you want it to be.”
Laney grabbed Jane around the shoulders, and the two left quietly through the door.
Luke watched her leave, pain knifing through him in a way he’d never thought possible.
Silence reigned around the table. Even the children refrained from making comments.
“Oh my,” Miss DuPres finally said. “I am mortified at my stupidity. Luke, I beg your pardon for speaking when I had no right.”
She sounded so contrite, her face ashen, that Luke softened toward her immediately. He smiled. “It’s not your fault, ma’am. I should have brought it up before Laney and I came inside.”
Luke pushed in his chair and stepped out onto the porch. He sighed heavily and swallowed hard past a lump in his throat. Even if he wanted to stay in Harper, he’d never convince Laney he wasn’t doing it out of some sense of guilt or responsibility.
He let out a groan and raked his fingers through his hair. How had he made such a mess of everything? He had always dreamed of going west, but now he wasn’t so sure it was worth it if he had to lose Laney in the process. Suddenly all of his visions of lush green fields gave way to a dismal, brown emptiness of a winter with no snow. What point was there to a dream if he couldn’t share it with the one person who mattered?
Chapter 14
Idiot, idiot, idiot. The taunt kept up a steady rhythm to Colby’s gallop as Laney headed for home. She wouldn’t cry. Refused to cry. This was her own fault, and she wouldn’t allow herself one tiny bit of self-pity.
The nearer they drew to home, the stronger the dread gnawing her stomach became. She dreaded the smug remarks she was bound to get from Pa when he found out his prophecy about Luke’s intentions had come true.
Laney reined in Colby and helped Jane slide from the saddle. “Go inside, sweetheart. I just have to brush Colby down and put him up for the night.”
When Laney entered the soddy a few minutes later, Jane was already tucked into bed and snoring softly. Pa was seated at the table sipping a mug of coffee. Surprisingly the dishes he had eaten from were cleaned and put away on the shelf above her rough-hewn counter.
“You must be feeling better,” she said grudgingly.
“A mite.”
“Good.” She cleared her throat. Now what? It was too early to go to bed, and she would rather cut off one of her arms than make polite conversation with Pa while her heart was breaking. She debated going for a walk by the creek, but to do so would be an admission that something out of the ordinary had occurred.
Pa stood. Relieved, Laney walked toward the kitchen. Maybe he would go to sleep so she could be alone with her thoughts. Instead, he grabbed a mug from the shelf, filled it with coffee, and set it down on the table in front of an empty chair. “Sit.”
Too startled to rebel, Laney sat. “What’s this?” she asked, barely able to keep the sarcasm from her voice. If he was trying to be nice so he could ask for money, he might as well save himself the effort. She’d already given him all she had.
He shrugged his bony shoulders. “Thought you looked like you might like a cup, that’s all. Dump it out if you don’t want it.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want it!”
“Well, don’t act like I’m about to ask fer somethin’, ’cause I ain’t.”
Heat rushed to her cheeks.
“‘Sides, I know you done gave everythin’ you was savin’ just to keep me from goin’ to prison. Can’t rightly say I know why, but I gotta tell ya, I know what ya gave up.”
Laney hadn’t mentioned her conversation with Mr. Garner to anyone, let alone Pa. “What are you talking about?”
He regarded her evenly, and for once his face held not the slightest hint of mockery. “Garner stopped by while you was gone.”
Laney’s hands trembled as they grasped her cup. “So?”
“So he told me to tell ya he’ll wait one extra week for the money, but then he has to sell the land and the soddy to his other buyer.” Pa gave a snort. “Sounded like he hated to see ya hafta give up yer land.”
Realizing there was no sense in pretending, Laney shrugged and sipped her coffee. She set the mug back on the table. “One extra week isn’t going to matter much. It would take me six more months to save enough to pay him off like we agreed.”
“Where you intendin’ on livin’?”
The note of concern in his voice made Laney glance up sharply. She caught his gaze. Was he merely worried about his own hide and where he would sleep, or did he honestly care? Laney steeled herself against the last thought. She would not allow herself to be fooled again. If Luke couldn’t love her enough to stay by her side, she couldn’t make herself believe someone like her pa was genuinely concerned about her well-being.
“Don’t worry,” she said, curling her lip in contempt. “I’ll figure out something for us. Maybe we could all find a good place to squat—just like old times. Huh, Pa?”
Pa’s face darkened. He slapped the table and sprang to his feet. Then he swayed and grabbed on to steady himself. “I ain’t stayin’ here to be insulted.”
“Oh yes you are.” Fueled by the humiliation and disappointment of the evening, Laney’s temper soared to rage, and she stood to face him. He could hit her if he wanted to. This time she wasn’t backing down, and he was going to take what he had coming! “You’re going to hear what I have to say if I have to sit on you and hold you down to make you listen! You drank away any pittance we ever had while Ma was alive. Then you made Ben and me live like beggars and thieves until you sold us like slaves to Tarah and Anthony, the only people who thought we had any value.” A sob caught in Laney’s throat. She paused long enough to acknowledge the prick of conviction, but bitterness had already pushed her too far. Ignoring her conscience, she all
owed her tongue to continue on its destructive path. “Do you know what it does to young’uns when their own pa sells them like they’re no more important than stock? For years Ben and me worked hard to prove over and over that we aren’t like you. Ben made it. He got away. Got a scholarship to seminary and made a better life for himself. I was going to. I tried. But then you had to come back. Now I have nothing—just like you wanted. I hope you’re happy, Pa. Because I sacrificed all I had so you could live.”
“Why’d ya do it?”
Expecting the back of his hand or a good tongue lashing at the very least, the calm four-word response shocked Laney. “What do you mean?”
“Ya hate me, and I’m going to die anyway. Why give up your land to keep me out of prison? I deserved to go for a lot of reasons, and you know it. It don’t make sense.”
Laney shrugged. “I don’t hate you,” she mumbled, knowing full well anything she said to defend her burst of anger would sound ridiculous. “Hating is a sin.”
He snorted. “So ya love yer ol’ pa, do ya?”
She shook her head, already regretting that she hadn’t listened to her conscience, regretting that she had most likely passed up an opportunity to share the love of Christ with her pa. “To be honest, I don’t know how I feel about you. But I do know that God loves you, and He thinks you’re worth saving.”
“Just like you were worth saving when I sold ya to that teacher and her beau?”
“Just like you were worth saving?” For an instant, Laney felt the impact of his words. An image of the cross flooded her mind.
Tears sprang to her eyes. If Pa didn’t deserve her mercy because of the way he had treated her, she didn’t deserve God’s. Jesus had paid a much higher price for her than she had paid for Pa’s freedom. Remorse instantly flooded her. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, her heart reaching toward heaven.
“What fer?”
Surprised, Laney caught Pa’s gaze. She had been speaking to God, but as she stared into Pa’s suspicion-filled eyes, she knew she owed him an apology as well.
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