by Amy Lillard
So his escape came in the form of his cell phone. He knew that it irritated Tess a bit, but she didn’t understand. She had the dream life, raising her goats and staying at home, cooking and cleaning and all the other things that Amish women had been raised to do. The problem was he hadn’t been raised to build roofs. He’d been raised to be a good Amish man, a father and provider. Well, he had provided, but now the stress of working outside his home was sometimes more than he could bear. Was it too much to ask to be allowed to enjoy the time that was his? He didn’t think so, but he had a feeling his wife did.
Chapter Two
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
Tess turned toward Jacob. “Nothing’s wrong.” But it was a lie. Yet to say the words out loud sounded petty and childish. So the lie would have to do, until she figured out what to do with her sadness. It had found its way into her thoughts and hung around like a dark cloud overshadowing her every thought. Why couldn’t she and Jacob go see her family? Why did this marriage seem unfair?
“It doesn’t seem that way to me.”
And if she told him, would it change anything? Probably not. It was simply something she had to learn to live with. This was her life now. And whether she was unhappy with it or not, it seemed to be what God had planned for her.
But does God really want me unhappy?
Or maybe she was looking for happiness in the wrong places. She and Jacob had a nice home, food on the table, everything they needed. She had her goats and the quilting circle, a wonderful group of friends who loved and supported her. It wasn’t that she didn’t like living in Wells Landing, but she hated being so far away from her family.
“Maybe when we get home we could play a game.” Jacob didn’t look at her as he spoke the words. And he said them so softly she was uncertain if she had heard them at all. Then he turned, eyebrows raised as if waiting for her answer.
“After I’m done milking the goats.” Cleaning out their pens and all the other stuff she had to do on a daily basis where the creatures were concerned.
Jacob faced the front again. His lips were pressed together. He looked almost . . . mad. What did he have to be upset about?
He was the one who wanted to go visiting. Was it her fault that the goats needed to be taken care of? If they had stayed home they would have had plenty of time to visit with each other and play games.
Jacob turned the buggy down the drive and pulled up next to the barn. He sat there for a second as if contemplating the merits of speaking his mind. But Tess wasn’t in the mood for it. She had done everything he had asked of her today, and now she had work to do. He had to understand that.
She slid open the buggy door and stepped out without a word. She had chores to do, and she surely didn’t have time for an argument with her husband.
* * *
After changing into her chore dress and replacing her prayer kapp with a faded handkerchief, Tess made her way over to the small pen that held her goats.
As far as she was concerned, they were beautiful creatures. She loved their round bodies and coarse fur. She loved how their lips moved when they chewed on something. In all, she loved just about everything about them.
She had started milking the goats twice daily instead of once in order to increase the milk production. Their property was small and his family had no room to keep the goats. But soon, she prayed, she and Jacob would find a farm on the edge of town. They would move out and she could expand her production. She was starting to sell the goat’s milk raw in addition to making cheese, soaps, and lotions. Helen Ebersol, the bishop’s wife, made a few products herself, but Tess knew that she did it only for friends and family. Tess enjoyed the work, though it was to help their household. She dreamed of a day when Jacob didn’t have to work so hard at his roofing company and she would be able to spend more time with him. Or maybe he could quit the place altogether, and that would mean the end of the cell phone and the Facebook account. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if she and her goats could make all that possible? It was merely a dream, she knew, but if a dream was all she had, she would take it. It gave her hope that one day things would be different for her and Jacob.
But until then . . . She hooked the first goat to the milking leash, grabbed her stool, and got down to work.
* * *
Sunday was a day of rest not work, and Jacob hated to see his wife out milking those goats. In fact, he hated the goats altogether. To him they were a sign of his failure. Tess’s mother had given her the beasts, arranged for her to take over the small herd from an elderly aunt. When she first brought them home she had been beyond excited, chattering nonstop about the money that she would make, money that he evidently wasn’t supplying. But it was hard to save every dime, near impossible to get ahead when paying rent on a house. A house he hated too. He wanted to farm, and though farms were widespread in northeast Oklahoma, farms for sale were a little harder to come by.
As he stood at the window and watched, Tess unhooked one goat and grabbed another by the collar. She looked hot and tired. Part of him wanted to go out and help. Because he loved her. She was his wife, his life mate. But another, more stubborn part of him wanted her to realize how much work the goats were and how unnecessary it was. He wanted her to give it up on her own. But it had been almost a year and showed no signs of letting up.
He turned away from the window. As much as he hated it, it was no skin off his nose, as they say. Somehow she managed to balance all the work she did. The house was always clean, supper was always ready, his clothes washed and hung neatly in the closet. He could find no fault in that. So why did the thought of her keeping the goats make him so angry? He shook his head and took his phone out of his pocket.
Jah, that was one of the stipulations for having a phone in Bishop Ebersol’s district. One wasn’t supposed to use it on Sunday. It was a reasonable rule considering that no work was to take place on Sunday other than only what was absolutely necessary. But more and more, Jacob had a hard time adhering to that rule. What was the harm in scrolling around on Facebook? He rarely commented on anybody’s posts, instead preferring to see what was going on in the world and what everyone around him was doing. He had a few English friends that he liked to keep in contact with and there were the few ex-Amish who had left Wells Landing, Lorie Kauffman and Luke Lambright. It was fun to see their pictures. As far as he was concerned it was like the Die Botschaft, a place for news and connecting. What was the harm in that?
He thumbed open Facebook and sat back in his recliner.
* * *
Monday came and brought with it stormy skies. The rain fell off and on, and still Jacob went to work. Oklahoma storms were hard and severe, but rarely lasted long before moving on.
Tess knew they needed the rain. It would water their gardens, help the farmers, and cool the earth from being scorched in the summer heat. But the rain always made her sad. She could tell herself again and again the rain was necessary, but it didn’t stop the melancholy feelings that stole over her at the sight of the gray skies. Her only hope had been that Jacob would take one look at the sky and call his boss to see if they were working. He would tell Jacob no, then the two of them could spend the day together like they should have on Sunday. But it seemed that wasn’t to happen either.
She took the pan of blueberry muffins from the oven and set them on the stove top to cool. Her blueberry plants were producing like crazy and she knew she would have to can pie filling before long—there were that many of them. Good thing Jacob liked blueberries or they would both be in trouble.
The phone rang out in the barn. Rarely did she go out and answer it, waiting instead till the end of the day to check the messages, but what did she have to do today?
Despite the light drizzle that fell from the sky, she ran out the back door and toward the barn. She managed to catch the phone on the third ring, raising the receiver to her ear. “Hello?”
“Tess?”
“Hi, Lavina.” It was her sister.
Never before had she been more grateful that she’d rushed out to answer the ringing phone.
“Are you busy?”
“Not at all.” It was so good to hear her sister’s voice. They didn’t talk very often on the phone. Tess preferred to go to Clarita and see her sister and family face-to-face. She sorely missed them.
“I have some news.” Lavina’s voice dropped to almost a whisper.
“Oh, jah?” She had to believe that the news was good news. Surely her sister wouldn’t call on the phone to tell her something bad.
“I’m having a baby.”
Tess nearly dropped the phone, but somehow managed to recover. “A baby? But Joseph . . .” She couldn’t finish.
“We’ve moved the wedding up a bit.” It was July now, and Lavina and Joseph had planned their wedding for the first of October.
It wasn’t unheard of for a couple in love to give in to the temptations presented to them. Now that they had, they would have to stand before the church and confess their sins. They would ask to be forgiven. It was a sensitive matter in the church, but none of that was what sent jealousy and remorse burning through Tess.
“I’m so happy for you.” And she was. How could she not be happy for her sister? But she was jealous. Oh so jealous. There was a reason that envy was one of the seven deadly sins, and she would do well to remember that. She prayed about it every day, but perhaps now she should move that up to twice a day. Or maybe she should write it on a piece of paper and pin it inside her dress over her heart so she never forgot.
She was happy for her sister, but Tess had been married for almost three years. She had followed God’s plan and done everything she was supposed to. So why wasn’t she the one calling Lavina with news instead? She just didn’t understand.
“I knew you would be happy for me.” She could almost hear her sister smile. “Of course Mamm and Dat are a little shocked, and I think his parents are as well, but it’s just one of those things.”
One of those things. Just like God’s plan.
“So when is the wedding now?”
“Two weeks. I hope you can come.”
Two weeks. It was a short turnaround, but a necessary one all the same. All the plans that Lavina had made for her October wedding were tossed to the side. There would be no bridesmaids, no long guest list, no big supper. It was sort of a punishment for her transgressions past, but as far as Tess was concerned the trade-off was worth it. Her sister was having a baby. A baby!
“Are you excited?”
“Of course I am. It’s what we’ve always dreamed of, jah?”
Tess and Lavina were barely a year apart in age. They had grown up playing wedding games and house, doing all the things that other little Amish girls did: dreaming of who they would marry, how many children they would have, how big their farm would be. But Tess hadn’t gotten her farm. She hadn’t gotten her children, and that was something she wanted more than anything.
Tears sprang to her eyes and she blinked them back, thankful her sister had called instead of coming to Wells Landing to deliver the news. She wouldn’t want to put a damper on Lavina’s exciting news with her own sadness. Of course it didn’t help that the rain had now begun to steadily pound against the roof of the barn.
“Tess?” Lavina’s voice was soft and filled with concern.
“I’m okay.” Of all people, her sister knew how hard this move had been on her and all the things she wanted from life.
“I almost didn’t tell you. But how could I not? I hope you will come to the wedding.”
They both knew that the wedding was less about celebration and more about correcting mistakes, but it didn’t seem to dampen Lavina’s spirits any. Why should it? She was having a baby. The church would forgive her, and she was marrying the man she loved. Joseph Miller had a big farm on the edge of Clarita. Sometimes he worked as an auctioneer. He was an all-around good guy from a great family in the area. Lavina had the good life, as they say.
“Of course I’ll come to the wedding. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” And that was the truth. But what did a girl do when the life she thought she was going to have wasn’t exactly the life that was handed her? Pray, she supposed. She was almost out of prayer. It seemed she said one so often these days that her words were running thin.
She said her good-byes to Lavina, promising that she was okay and vowing to be at the wedding. Tess hung up the phone and stared at the receiver for a full minute, unable to move from her seat. What was a girl to do?
She looked around her at the immaculate barn, the beautiful wood, the good strong horse they had to pull their buggy. Her house was nice, her husband provided, to the outsider she was sure it looked as if she had everything. She felt heavy and small wishing for more. And there was only one thing to do when thoughts like that arose. It was to pray. But she wasn’t certain God was listening anymore.
Chapter Three
Tess Smiley set the tray of sausage balls on the table set up just outside Eileen Brenneman’s kitchen. She was surprised that Eileen wanted to have the quilting circle meeting today. She had been through so much lately.
Just then Eileen came out of the kitchen. She held a tray of oatmeal cookies in one hand, her mouth pinched with an emotion Tess couldn’t name. Disappointment maybe. Hurt, dejection. Maybe a combination of all three. Eileen had wanted a baby for so long. Tess had only been in Wells Landing for a few months, less than a year really, and even she knew of Eileen’s heart’s desire.
“Hi, Eileen.” Tess tried to make her voice as cheerful as possible, when she herself had a host of issues and concerns. The Lord said love your neighbor as you love yourself, and she did her best to abide by that each day.
“Good to see you, Tess.”
Tess nodded, unsure of what to say next. The week before Eileen’s house had been filled with the sound of little girls’ laughter. The sound of family, of promise. But now the rooms were unusually quiet. Crystal and Brittany, the foster children that Eileen had taken in, had gone to live with their grandparents. Their father had died and their mother had slipped into drug addiction. With no one willing to care for the spunky girls, they had been fostered out. Eileen had been hoping to officially adopt them, then all these weeks later, the grandparents decided that they didn’t want the girls to be raised outside of the family. They had taken Brittany and Crystal back to Glenpool, on the other side of Tulsa. It wasn’t too far for Eileen to visit, but Tess was sure she had been discouraged from doing so.
For lack of words, Tess reached out a hand and squeezed Eileen’s fingers. To her dismay, Eileen’s eyes filled with tears. Tess released her fingers as Eileen blinked to clear her vision.
“Have you been to see Mariana?” Tess asked. She wasn’t sure that Mariana and her twin girls were a better topic, but it was all she could come up with.
“I saw them yesterday.” Eileen gave a sad nod.
Tess was hoping to get to see them this weekend, before they left the hospital. But with Jacob’s job, they just didn’t seem to have the time. He left in the morning exhausted and came home even more so.
But it’s more than that.
She pushed the nagging voice aside and concentrated on placing her platter in an artful arrangement.
“Are those sausage balls?”
Clara Rose Brenneman bustled out of the sewing room, plate in one hand and leash in the other. A golden retriever puppy trotted happily behind her, his pink tongue lolling out of one side of his mouth.
“I made them myself.”
Clara Rose stopped mid-reach. “Are they made with goat cheese?”
“Of course.”
“I see.” Clara Rose pulled her hand back slowly, as if the finger food was a snake about to strike.
“You know, goat cheese is a lot better for you than regular cheese.”
Clara Rose shook her head, her strings dancing with the motion. “That’s what you keep telling me.”
“It’s true.” But she knew her words fell on deaf ears
. “One day you’ll believe me.”
Clara Rose filled her plate with ham and cheese pinwheels and the pickles Mariana had left for them.
“Are you hungry?”
Clara Rose turned a sweet shade of pink. “Jah. Hungry.”
But Tess had a feeling her friend had a secret. It was written there in the color of her cheeks and the smile that graced her lips. And Tess had a feeling what it was too. But she couldn’t ask Clara Rose if she was having a baby. Not with Eileen’s loss so fresh in their minds.
Clara Rose hummed a little song as she filled her plate, then she headed back into the sewing room, the puppy trotting happily in her wake.
“Did you two come to quilt, or are you going to stand out here all day and chin-wag?” Verna stood at the large double-door opening of the bonus room Eileen used more for the quilting circle than she did for church.
Tess turned to Eileen and mouthed, chin-wag?
Eileen just shrugged. “We’ll be right there.”
“So are we eating first?” Tess asked. Her hand hovered over the stack of paper plates as she waited for Eileen’s answer. Verna had already disappeared back into the sewing room.
“Clara Rose came in starving and grabbed a plate first thing. Everyone else is waiting until we take a break. Though I don’t know how anyone can eat that much in this heat.”
The weather outside was typical for Oklahoma in July. Temps were well into the nineties with heat indexes stretching above one hundred.
Tess murmured something she hoped sounded like agreement. It wasn’t the heat that had her appetite down, just as she was sure it wasn’t for Eileen. And she didn’t want to complain.
Together she and Eileen walked into the sewing room. It was their usual crowd minus Mariana Miller, who’d given birth to identical twin girls the week before, and Helen Ebersol, the bishop’s wife. Tess was pleased to see Emily Riehl there. Emily didn’t always make it, and her life had grown ever busier since she’d married Elam Riehl. His father had been kicked in the head by a milk cow a few years back and hadn’t been the same since.
