by Amy Lillard
She still wanted—no, needed—for things to be different, but this was definitely a step in the right direction. Tonight gave her hope.
They walked together toward his tractor and she noticed the closer they got, the slower their footsteps became. Was he thinking the same thing she was? That the night was special and she never wanted it to end?
But it had to end, and that frightened her for tomorrow. What if tonight was just a unique time and tomorrow everything went back to the way it was before? What then?
“What are you thinking?”
Jacob’s words startled her out of her thoughts. She couldn’t tell him what was really on her mind. “Nothing.”
He nodded, but she knew he didn’t believe her. At least he didn’t press. He stopped at the tractor and turned to face her. She dropped her hand from his arm and sucked in a breath as she waited for him to say something, anything.
“Well, good night, then.”
That was all? Maybe she was mistaken. Maybe nothing between them had changed. Why oh why had she thought otherwise? Because she had seen the look in his eyes. She knew that tonight was special. But maybe it was better to leave it alone. Especially if everything was going back to normal tomorrow.
“Good night.” She couldn’t keep the dejected tone from her words.
He stared at her and she was certain the world stopped turning. She stared back, waiting, watching.
Jacob raised one hand to the side of her face. The fingers were rough and familiar against her skin. He raised the other hand and cupped her cheeks in his palms. The night hung, suspended in that one moment. It seemed as if the entire evening had been leading up to this moment.
Tess closed her eyes, exhaled, and then his lips touched hers.
It was the sweetest kiss, like sweet strawberries in May, the touch of butterfly wings, and all good things rolled up into one.
Jacob’s lips on hers brought back memory after memory. Their first kiss, their wedding day, the very moment when she knew he was the one. What happened to those feelings? What happened to them?
He lifted his head and she was certain for a moment she felt the night wrap comforting arms around her.
“You don’t have to stay here tonight.” Jacob’s words were no more than a whisper. And she wasn’t certain if he had actually said them or if it was another part of her past memories.
She opened her eyes. He watched her, his expression intense.
“What?”
“You’ve proven your point.”
Tess shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
Jacob flashed her a grim smile. “Amish women are getting more and more independent. We all know that. So you’ve proven your point. But that doesn’t mean you have to stay here. You can come back home.”
She felt as if she had been doused with a bucket of ice water. The beauty of the night disappeared with his words. “What?” she asked just to be sure. She wanted to be wrong. She wanted to not have heard him correctly. But somehow she knew that she was wrong.
“You’ve made your point. Now come home.”
That was what she was afraid he had said. With a sad sigh, she took a step back. His arms dropped to his sides.
“What?” he asked.
“You just don’t get it.” She managed to make the words soft-spoken instead of the roar of frustration she felt bubbling inside her. Tonight had been so perfect. Well, almost. “This isn’t about making a play for independence. This is about me and you and our marriage.” She wanted to cry as she said the words, but she managed to keep her tears at bay. “I thought it meant more to you than this. I guess I was wrong.” She turned on her heel and started back to the house.
“But—”
She faltered a bit as he said the words, but she managed to keep walking without looking back.
“Tess,” he started, but she wouldn’t allow herself to turn around. This was too important. Too much was at stake. If she wanted a marriage like her friends had, she had to keep to her plan.
But she was never going to have that. Not with Jacob. Not with anyone, because Amish marriage was forever.
Jacob working all the time, him selling her goats, that was all she was ever going to have in life, and it wasn’t enough. No matter how much she loved him, she wanted more.
The tears started as he said her name again, but she didn’t turn around as she made her way up the porch steps and into the house.
* * *
“That was some kiss.”
Tess nearly jumped out of her skin as she entered the house. The living room seemed dark and quiet. Almost as dark as her thoughts, but not even close to the turmoil in her mind.
“Sorry.” Clara Rose stepped from the shadows.
“It’s okay.” Tess wiped the tears from her cheeks as discreetly as possible, but Clara Rose was too observant not to notice.
“After a kiss like that, why are you crying?”
The dam broke, and Tess was left without words. Her tears flowed, but she couldn’t tell her best friend what the problem was, not when her friend had everything that Tess herself wanted.
She sank down on the couch, savoring the warmth as Clara Rose eased down next to her and pulled her close.
Tess allowed her tears free rein, for a few minutes then caught herself. “Where’s Obie?”
Clara Rose rolled her eyes affectionately. “He’s in the barn with his puppies.” Which meant he wouldn’t come in on them. Still, Tess was tired of her shame being out there for the entire world to see.
She wiped her tears away and stood. “I’m going to bed.”
Clara Rose was on her feet in an instant. “Are you sure? We can talk about this—”
Tess shook her head. “No, danki. Good night.”
She could sense that Clara Rose wanted to protest, but her friend remained silent as Tess climbed the stairs to the bedroom where she had been sleeping. She needed to leave. Tomorrow. It was better that way.
She undressed and crawled beneath the covers, forgoing washing her face and brushing her teeth for the comfort of the bed.
Just before she had gotten married, her mother had given her all sorts of advice, but nothing came close to this. Her mother had never said this might not turn out the way she hoped, the way she planned and dreamed.
Her parents’ marriage was good enough, she supposed. Her mother seemed to not want for anything. Not that Tess had noticed anyway. At the time, everything had seemed the way it should be.
Just as it had when Tess and Jacob were courting. Everything had seemed fine, perfect even. But now . . .
When had the change come into their relationship?
Just after they were married.
And it had only increased when they moved to Wells Landing.
It was time to go home.
Chapter Six
“Tell me again what happened.”
Jacob shook his head. He didn’t think telling Obie again would help. He wasn’t even sure why he took the time off from work to come over here and talk to the man. “I told her that I understood. That I knew Amish women were trying to gain a little more independence. That she had proved her point and it was time to come back home.”
“And this was after you kissed her?”
“Jah.”
Obie whistled low through his teeth. “What made you think that was a good idea?”
Jacob frowned. “I thought that’s what women wanted. Someone who understood. I was trying to be understanding.”
Obie gave a small chuckle. “It seems to me all you did was make her madder.”
He couldn’t argue with that. “Where are the women now?”
“Clara Rose convinced Tess to ride into town with her and look for material for new dresses.”
Jacob nodded. That was a surefire way to get women into town. They loved looking at material. He knew Tess could stand for hours to pick out the right shade of blue. He didn’t pretend to understand it, but he acknowledged it as a fact. Surely that was someth
ing in his favor.
“I guess I better get going before she sees me here.”
“How are you guys going to be together if you avoid her?”
“I don’t know.” He didn’t have the faintest idea about anything these days. One day his marriage was fine, solid and growing, and the next thing he knew his wife was storming out, determined to move back to her family in Clarita. More than anything, he wanted to get her home before church on Sunday. But it was certain it had already gone through the grapevine of rumors and gossip throughout the entire settlement in Wells Landing. Everyone would know by now that Tess was staying with Clara Rose and Obie. And if everyone knew, he was certain his parents knew as well. It wouldn’t be long before his dat came to talk to him and give him advice. He could well imagine what that would be. His father was a bit old-fashioned. He would tell Jacob to get his woman and bring her home. Even though Tess had sworn up and down that this had nothing to do with her play at independence, he knew that telling her to come back home now would only make her stay gone longer.
“When did women get so complicated?” Jacob asked.
Obie clapped him on the shoulder in a gesture of sympathetic friendship. “Soon as you get married, that’s when everything changes.”
* * *
“All I’m saying is you shouldn’t be hasty.” Clara Rose cast a quick look over her right shoulder, snagging Tess’s gaze. All Tess wanted to do was go home. She hated this feeling of limbo, somewhere in between being married and going home. Plus, she didn’t want to put Obie and Clara Rose out any more than necessary.
“I’m not being hasty. I’m just trying to surround myself with people who support me.”
“And Jacob doesn’t support you?”
Her thoughts filled with Jacob’s threats to sell her goats, to give them away if he had to. She thought of the cell phone and the Facebook account. “No.” But as she said the word, she couldn’t help but think about how hard Jacob worked. He supported her in many ways, that she couldn’t deny. But it seemed as if he didn’t support her in the way she needed the most. “I don’t know how it got to this.”
“Just because we marry forever doesn’t mean we don’t have problems. It’s how we handle our problems that sets us apart.”
Tess let those words wash over her. She couldn’t say she’d handled the situation properly. The truth of the matter was she didn’t know how to handle it, and she didn’t feel like she could get through to Jacob these days. What happened to all those wonderful nights sitting on the porch talking, holding hands, and enjoying each other’s company for the sake of the company, nothing more? Why did things have to change when people got married?
“I asked him to go to marriage enrichment classes.” She hated how accusing her words sounded.
“One time?”
Clara Rose’s words made Tess feel lower than a snake’s belly. “I should ask him again?”
Clara Rose smiled. “If it were Obie, I would ask him and ask him until he agreed. If that’s what you think would solve or help these problems between you, that’s what you should do. Isn’t your marriage worth that much?”
Maybe she had given up too easily. Maybe she should ask him again. Maybe this time he would even say yes.
“Just do me one favor, okay?” Clara Rose asked.
“Okay.”
“Don’t go home yet. Stay with us as long as you need to. If you go back to Clarita now, Jacob will have a very hard time. He won’t be able to see you as often, and if you can’t see each other, how are you ever going to work your problems out?”
“What if the problems can’t be worked out?”
Clara Rose shot her a sympathetic smile. “If they can’t be worked out, then they can’t be worked out. But you have to be absolutely sure. Promise me?”
Tess swallowed hard and gave a quick nod. “Promise.”
* * *
When they got back to Clara Rose and Obie’s house, Tess called Bruce Brown’s cousin and told him thank you, but she wouldn’t be needing his services for the next day. Clara Rose might be onto something. How could she and Jacob work out their problems if they were miles and miles apart?
After a morning spent looking at fabrics and notions, Tess and Clara Rose made another batch of sweet pickle relish.
“I really should go check the blueberries,” Tess mused. And her goats. She really missed her goats. If they were still there. And if they were there, who had been taking care of them? The thought sent a flash panic through her. “I need to go home.”
Clara Rose’s eyes lit up with promise, but Tess shook her head. “My goats. I mean, what if he didn’t sell them or give them away? Who’s been feeding them and milking them?”
“You don’t think Jacob would allow them to suffer just because you’re not there.”
Well, when she put it like that, it was hard to believe, but Tess knew how much Jacob hated the goats. She wouldn’t put it past him to have given them away just so he wouldn’t have to take care of them. And there was only one way to find out.
“Do we have time to go to my house before we have to get supper ready?”
“I believe so.” Clara Rose wiped her hands on a dish towel. “I’ll go tell Obie, okay? I’ll meet you at the tractor.”
The ride over to Tess’s house seemed to take forever. Maybe it was because her heart was pounding in her throat. How had she forgotten her goats for days? It was unforgivable. She’d been so caught up in her own problems that she hadn’t even given them a second thought. She only hoped she hadn’t added fuel to Jacob’s threats to sell her goats.
She breathed a sigh of relief as Clara Rose turned into their short drive. She could see sweet Millie standing on top of the small house she had constructed for them to sleep in. She had known the goats climbed up there, and with only a small leap, Millie would be out in the yard, free to roam and pester the neighbors. “So that’s how she gets out,” she muttered to herself.
Clara Rose chuckled. “That’s some goat.”
Tess smiled. “Jah, she is.” But Tess was even more excited that the goats were still there. And Jacob was gone, no doubt on the job site, though she worried about him when he worked in the heat like this. She knew his boss provided them with plenty of water, but it was still incredibly hot and heatstroke was a constant concern.
“They don’t seem to have suffered from your absence,” Clara Rose noted.
And she was right. But that could only mean one thing. “Do you think Jacob milked them for me?”
“It appears so. But what has he done with the milk?”
“I usually store it in the refrigerator in the barn. Any extra I have that I won’t be able to make into soap or lotion or cheese, I put in the freezer.”
“So let’s check the refrigerator in the barn.”
Tess gave Millie one last pat on the head, then followed Clara Rose into the barn. She opened the refrigerator door to see bottles of goat’s milk stored there, milk that hadn’t been there when she left.
Tears filled her eyes. Jacob had done this for her. There was no way around it. He had worked and worked at his regular job and yet he had come home and milked them at least once a day, but from that amount of milk in the refrigerator she would have to say twice a day for sure.
Suddenly she felt ungrateful, mean, and spiteful. She had been lamenting the things that she wanted not realizing that she had a lot already.
“I think it’s time to come home.” Clara Rose smiled.
“I think you’re right.”
* * *
There was nothing worse than having to redo a job that had been done right the first time. But that was exactly what Jacob had spent the entire day doing. Ripping off perfectly good shingles to replace them with other, perfectly good shingles that were one shade darker gray than the ones that had been used. The worst part? No one on his team had made a mistake. It was just someone being extra picky—wanting more, being difficult, not being satisfied with what they had. Nothing irritated him
more. So not only did he have to redo the work, which made him extra tired, but he was aggravated as well. He pulled his tractor to a stop next to the carriage house. He would put it up later. Right now he had too many things to do.
Tess had left, and though he had threatened to sell her goats, he hadn’t found a buyer yet. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. He hadn’t really looked for one and he surely hadn’t given them all away. So now he had to milk them.
He hopped off the tractor, grabbed his water jug, and headed for the house. Something seemed different as he made his way up the porch steps, but he couldn’t put a finger on what it was. His heart gave a hard pound in his chest. There had been a few break-ins in the county, and most times the culprits were high school kids, bored and rambunctious.
He slowed his steps and cautiously opened the door. The smell of blueberry pie filling scented the air, mixed in with what could only be meat loaf. He had heard of thieves and vandals, but he’d never been told of ones who, once they broke into a house, started cooking.
Just then Tess moved into view. He resisted the urge to rub his eyes and make sure his vision was correct. “Tess?”
“Hi, Jacob.”
“Hi.” Not exactly the most intelligent thing he had ever uttered, but his thoughts were tumbling over themselves. Each one wanted to be spoken first. “What are you doing here?”
“I live here.” She chuckled. The sound was apologetic.
“I know that, but does this mean you’ve come home?” After last night he wasn’t sure she would ever return. He had started to make plans with Obie to come to supper tonight again, doing everything in his power to court his own wife.
“Jah,” she said. “I’ve come home.”
Jacob had never heard sweeter words. This was what he had prayed for, that somehow she could find peace or whatever it was she needed to bring her back home where she belonged.
He crossed the room to stand in front of her, hesitating only a moment before he pulled her into his arms. He hugged her close, cradling her to him. He didn’t kiss her, just rocked her back and forth, his chin resting on the top of her head, her nose buried in the crook of his neck. Tess had come home and the world would be right again.
