by Hazel Kelly
"That's enough," I said, getting up. I walked over to grab the jeans hanging over my desk chair. "Do you have any idea how crazy you sound? I never told you I'd take you to the dance."
She stomped one strappy sandaled foot on the ground. "But we have a thing!"
I shook my head and pulled my jeans on. I thought Chi O's were supposed to be more chilled out than this. So much for judging someone based on their collective reputation.
"Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?"
I could see all the white around her blue eyes.
"For all the girls in my house to be getting ready and making sad eyes at me cause you blew me off?!"
"I told you straight up that I wasn't looking for anything serious-"
"Sounds like whatever you had going on last night was pretty serious."
"Sorry. What are you hoping to accomplish by repeatedly reminding me that you have a team of conspicuous blonde spies running lose on campus? Because it's not making me feel closer to you." I bent down to open my mini fridge and pulled out a half empty blue Gatorade.
"I didn't come here to listen to you be a jackass."
I furrowed my brow and swallowed a huge gulp of the cold drink. "Why did you come here then? To catch me with her?"
She looked down at her entwined fingers and swallowed. "I was hoping you might apologize. Or at least explain."
I raised my eyebrows and set the open Gatorade on the desk. "Explain what?"
"Why you didn't ask me?"
I sighed. "Look, you're a great girl, Chloe, and we've had a lot of fun together, but I have feelings for someone else."
She ran her hand through her thick blonde hair and swept it to the other side of her head. "Hold the fuck up. Now you have feelings?"
I walked over and closed the door behind her. If she was going to yell, I didn't see why she should disturb a bunch of other innocent guys.
"Let me get this straight. You just wanted to have sex with me- no strings. And then some other girl comes along and you've got the audacity to have feelings for her?"
I leaned against the door. "Actually, I think I've always had feelings for her."
Her eyes flashed. "What?!"
"I didn't know it when you and I were together, but-"
"You are so much more of an ass than I thought." She shook her head. "Everyone told me to give you a chance to explain, but you're obviously just a commitment-phobe with no respect for women."
I squinted and scratched one side of my bed head.
"I thought we were going to get a place together when we graduated. I thought we were going to give this a real go when-"
I raised a palm between us. "Hold on a second. I never promised you any of that stuff. I think you have me confused with someone else."
Her whole face took on a red flush. "Are you accusing me of something now? Because I'm not the one sleeping around."
I craned my neck back. "So you don't hook up with that Sig anymore?"
Her lips fell apart.
"And your ex from high school? The one who still comes to visit you? You expect me to believe you never give him a little something to keep him sweet?”
"How dare you insinuate-"
"What? That there's a reason we always got along so well? Because there was." I crossed my arms. "But it's not because we want the same things in the long run."
"So you don't even feel bad?"
"For what?"
"For not asking me to the dance when everyone thought you were going to."
"No. I don’t,” I said. “And I don't know who counts as everyone to you, but based on this fit you’re throwing, I actually feel pretty good about the decision I made."
"You're going to regret this, Shane."
I bit my tongue.
"I thought you were smarter than this, but if you're one of those guys that needs to lose something before he recognizes the value it holds for him, then fine." Her eyes were like blue ice. "We'll see who comes crawling back."
"Fine by me, but don’t hold your breath."
"Prick," she said, huffing towards the door.
I stepped away from it so she could let herself out.
"Good luck finding someone who can deep throat like I can," she said, yanking the door so hard I thought it might come off its hinges.
"I already did!" I yelled, leaning into the hallway so she’d hear me as she fled down the stairs.
I felt bad as soon as I said it, but whatever. She always got a rise out of me. That's why the sex was so good.
But long term it was a recipe for disaster. After all, she was obviously more unhinged than I realized.
I walked back over to my Gatorade and finished it.
I'd heard rumors of women imagining whole relationships that didn't exist, but it was even more terrifying to witness it firsthand.
Still, I was kind of grateful for Chloe's surprise visit. Because it reinforced the idea that I was ready for something different.
Something real.
Chapter 31: Andi
I woke up just before noon, and my mind immediately began racing with flashbacks.
Shane's hands on me, pulling me against him, his fingers churning my insides…
His dick in my hand, pulsing against my palm until I put my mouth around him…
Mike's hands around my neck, my heart beat in my bulging eyes. Shane's face when he saw me.
Anything to protect her.
I reached for the glass of water on my nightstand so I could free my tongue from the place where it had dried in my mouth.
Could this really be happening? Me and Shane? After all this time? After all this convincing myself it would never happen?
There's a first time for everything.
I set the water on my nightstand, opened the drawer below it, and pulled out the photo he gave me for Secret Santa.
I didn't usually keep it in the drawer, but I put it in there after the first time he kissed me, as if not seeing him every day might make it easier to shut all the "what ifs" out of my head.
Its regular place was on a thin shelf above my desk next to a picture of me and Izzy dressed as pirates and a photo of my parents on the Fourth of July. It was taken two days after they found out my mom was pregnant.
She once told me she wouldn't have been any happier if she'd won the lottery, and my dad said, as far as he was concerned, they had. Because I was their greatest treasure.
No fucking pressure.
I wondered what they'd think if they knew I was fooling around with the only guy they ever seemed to like. Scratch that- they’d probably been hoping this would happen the whole time, and I couldn’t blame them.
After all, he was everything I never thought I could get. He was smart, handsome, funny, and kind. I figured I'd be doing well to score two out of four, though lately I'd been settling for one.
I dragged two fingers along the outside of the frame and looked at the expression on our faces.
We looked deliriously happy. But that could've been down to youth, not chemistry, right?
All I knew for sure was that being with Shane made me feel empowered, made me feel like I, too, had lots of lovely qualities.
And that boost couldn't have come at a better time.
I'd been letting myself be victimized for too long, and that wasn't me. I didn't recognize myself in the scared and self-doubting role I'd assumed in my last relationship.
And I didn't want to either.
I wanted to go back to being that girl that felt brave enough to try new things, brave enough to live in a way that didn't require me to lie regularly to myself and others.
And I could have that with Shane.
Sure, Shane could only pick me up so far. It was my responsibility to find myself again in the noise.
But I was determined to do it.
I pulled the covers off, went to my overflowing dresser, and pulled some gym clothes out of the bottom drawer.
I wasn't exactly disciplined about hitting th
e gym, but when I did, I hit it hard, often punishing myself on the rowing machine.
I liked that I couldn't watch TV or read while I rowed. Every single part of my body was occupied by the activity.
It was kind of like being around Shane.
Anyway, I always felt strong when I was done, and that's what I wanted to feel now.
Plus, I knew if I let myself wake up slowly, have a coffee, and chat to Steph, I’d never make it, and I desperately needed to do something besides think about the fact that I had my best friend's penis in my mouth last night.
I was halfway to the gym when my phone rang, and my heart fluttered at the thought that it might be him.
"Hi Izzy!" I said too cheerfully.
"You sound like you just woke up."
"No. I just haven't really talked to anyone yet today. I'm on my way to the gym."
"Time for your seasonal fall workout?"
"Shut up. Last fall I went at least twice."
She laughed. "My sincere apologies."
"So what's up? Did you sleep with your professor yet?"
"No," she said. "But you know me. I'm all about the chase. I'll probably lose interest as soon as he actually learns my name."
I furrowed my brow, my feet keeping a good pace below me. "What does he call you?"
"Isssabelle."
"Italian?"
"Yeah."
"Mmm. I can see why him calling you Izzy would suck."
"Speaking of sucking, I'm calling to check on you."
My heart froze in my chest. "Excuse me?"
"I wanted to make sure you're properly on the rebound and not pining over Mike?"
Did she know about last night? "Why do you ask?"
"Because it's my job," she said. "Besides, I can’t rely on Steph to encourage you to fuck someone else as soon as possible."
"No. I suppose not."
"Well?"
I sighed and turned the corner, raising my eyes to make sure the gym was still at the end of the street. "I'm definitely not pining."
"Promise?"
"Would I lie to you?" Why the fuck did I say that?
"Right. Well, good. That makes me really happy."
"Good."
"And project rebound?"
I scrunched my face. "I wouldn't say I'm making a project out of it."
"You should," she said. "It's important to move on quickly in these situations, especially because time is running out."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean when we graduate, it's going to become less socially acceptable to make bad relationship decisions."
"And you think whoever comes next will be a bad decision?"
"Only because your choice in men lately hasn’t inspired much confidence."
"Thanks for your honestly."
"Of course,” she said. “So?”
“So what?”
“So tell me something good."
I stepped into the street to make way for a cluster of joggers. "About project rebound?"
"Yeah. Who've you got your sights on?"
Oh god she fucking knew. "Umm." I squeezed my eyes shut. "How do you know if you're on the rebound or if you just genuinely like someone?"
"Theoretically, I suppose both conditions could be met by the same person."
I hopped back on the sidewalk. "Interesting."
"Why? Who do you like?"
"No one."
"Seriously, Andi. If you don't at least find someone to crush on, I'm going to come over there and pick someone for you."
"That won't be necessary."
"Who’s the hottest guy you have class with so I can creep him on Facebook?"
"You're nuts."
"Do you realize how difficult it is for me to micromanage your dating life remotely?"
"Is it more difficult than if you stopped caring?"
"I'll never stop caring," she said. "And I don't mean to be obnoxious. I just think even something casual might help distract you from the bullshit relationship you just survived."
She didn't even know the half of it.
"There must be someone-"
"There's a guy in one of my classes."
"Uh-huh."
"But I don't know his name. He's… shy."
"Okay, normally I would say the shy dope at the back of the class is a lousy target for some slate clearing rebound action, but I'll let it slide since you threw me a bone."
"Thanks."
"But promise me you'll work on having sex with someone as soon as possible."
"Okay," I said, swiping my ID at the gym's front door. "I'll see what I can do."
Chapter 32: Shane
I lifted my shirt and dragged it down my face. "Okay," I said. “Ready when you are."
Kevin pressed his blonde head into the weight bench. "Ready."
I watched him pick up the bench press bar and reach it over his head, letting my fingers hover just below it at all times so he wouldn't accidentally drop it and knock all his teeth out.
"Yep," he groaned, five reps later.
"One more or I walk away."
"Fuck you, Jennings," he said, his eyes on the bar as it shook over his face.
"Oh look. Britney's here."
He lowered and lifted the bar one last time.
I helped guide it onto the rack.
"I know you were fucking with me," he said, staying on his back for a second before sitting up.
"It worked though, didn't it?"
"Are you kidding? I'd move the Earth if I thought it would impress that girl."
I knew the feeling. "I take it things went well at the dance?"
Kevin made a sheepish face. "You could say that."
"You going to see her again?"
"Yeah." He stretched his neck. "I'm taking her to dinner this week."
"Nice."
He smiled. "She's not at all like I thought she would be. She's sweet and…"
"Stop stalling," I said, gesturing for him to get up.
"Then again." He rose to his feet and swapped places with me, wiping his forehead on his shoulder. "I always thought Chloe was a nice girl so-"
"You heard that, huh?"
He laughed. "Everyone in the fucking house heard it, Shane. She came in like a swarm of angry bees. I thought she was going to murder you in cold blood."
"How exactly? By choking me out? Her hand is hardly big enough to fit around my-"
"You bitches here to talk or lift?" Tyler said, walking past us with some large dumbbells.
Kevin rolled his eyes.
I glared at Tyler's scrawny back and laid down on the bench. "This is the last set, right?"
He nodded. "Yep. So don't leave anything in the tank."
"Deal." I raised the bar over my head and straightened my spine against the mat, pressing my feet into the floor to make sure I was stable enough to pump out some reps.
"So," Kevin said, his fingers hovering below the bar. "Chloe's out and Andi's in?"
"First of all," I said, lowering the bar to my chest. "Chloe was never in."
"Oh right. It was all in her head." He kept his eyes on me as I raised the bar. "I think I overheard that bit."
"Yeah. She's delusional. We've both been hooking up with other people ever since we first got together. I assumed we were on the same page."
"You can't assume anything with women."
"No shit."
"And Andi?"
"What about her?" I asked, a bead of sweat trickling over my temple.
"You disappeared for quite some time at the dance."
"What's your point?"
"Is it serious?"
"I don't know," I lied. "She's hard to read."
