by Joss Wood
“And I’m trying to restore it to you!” Cam yelled, obviously frustrated. His anger didn’t frighten her, so Vivi didn’t react when his words bounced off the walls. “I want to give you what you want, what you need!”
And wasn’t that the problem? She didn’t need him to ride to her rescue. She could save herself. She’d done so three years ago, made something of herself without his help, and she could do it again. She needed to do it again. She couldn’t allow herself to rely on him, to let him become her safety net, because she understood that people were fallible and frequently let you down at crucial moments, mostly when you needed them the most. No, it was better to rely on herself, only herself.
And if that meant giving up Rollin’, then she would do exactly that. She’d just find a new spot, make a new home.
“You are stupidly, ridiculously, irrationally independent!” Cam stated.
“I worked damn hard for it, Cam. I won’t give it up.”
“But how much are you prepared to sacrifice in your bid to remain independent? Where’s your red line?”
She didn’t know.
Before she could answer him, not that she had an answer, Cam shook his head, obviously disappointed. “I’ll see you at home, Viv.”
Home, Viv thought, her thoughts immediately going to the house in River Oaks. Dammit, it might be his home but it wasn’t hers. She was confusing fantasy with reality again.
She was not a lead character in a rom-com movie and Cam was not her happily-ever-after. Real life was hard, gritty, messy. It was best that she remembered that before life slapped her sideways again.
* * *
Ryder had thoroughly enjoyed this evening and the company of his friend Camden and Camden’s new woman, Vivi, who cooked like a dream. He looked at the younger man who sat in the chair across from him, his daughter lying in his lap. Cam reminded him of his younger self, reckless, brave, so very convinced of his firm grip on life. Only now did Ryder realize how little he’d known then.
And after sharing a quiet family dinner with Cam, his brand-new daughter and the woman who was currently turning Cam’s life upside down, Ryder realized how much he missed having a family, being part of one.
Yeah, his first marriage hadn’t worked out, but he’d adored Elinah, his second wife, and she’d loved him back. He remembered many nights when Maya had fallen asleep in his arms, her sweet face tucked into his neck.
Looking at Camden’s daughter, he recalled how fifteen years ago, Maya—the child of his heart but not his genes—had often been curled up like that, her mouth pursed. Now she was eighteen and demanding he tell her the exact details of her birth, about how she arrived at their house under circumstances that most people would term as suspicious. A tiny girl with medical issues...
How did he even start to explain? What words would he use to unravel the tangle that was Maya’s birth? Hell, even Maya’s biological mother didn’t know that he was raising the daughter she’d given up nearly two decades ago. And he had no intention of her ever finding out that Maya was, originally and for a very brief period, hers.
Maya was his, and Elinah’s. Why couldn’t that be enough for his headstrong daughter?
Pushing those thoughts away, he glanced at Clementine again. God, he missed that, missed the time when his kids were young. Carrying them up to their rooms, then carrying Elinah to their bed.
Camden was—impatiently, he was sure—waiting for him to leave. Because Ryder knew it would annoy him, he accepted Vivi’s offer of a second cup of coffee. His mouth twitched at his friend’s scowl.
“Is the TCC meeting still on for tomorrow?” Cam asked.
Ryder nodded. “Yep.”
“Then I’ll see you there,” Cam hinted. Ryder smiled and ignored his not-so-subtle jerk of his head in the direction of the door.
Cam scowled at him again before releasing a resigned sigh. “You never told me how your meeting with Sterling Perry went last week, Ry. Did you challenge him to pistols at dawn? Or swords at sunset?”
Cam loved taking the piss out of him. He was one of the very few people he’d allowed to do that. “Sterling wasn’t available.”
But Angela Perry had been...
Ryder shifted in his chair. Holy hell, he was fifty years old and it had been a long time since he’d been that turned on. Oh, he’d had several affairs since Elinah died—he wasn’t a damned monk!—but those had always been about getting his rocks off. Kissing Angela had been...awesome. He’d have been happy to stand there and kiss her for another five, ten, fifty minutes. Since that kiss, his brain felt fried, and all he could think about was the way she stepped up and into him, laying those cool, pink lips on his. Her long, lean body with its subtle curves pressed into him made his head swim.
Dammit, he was utterly and completely attracted to Angela Perry—the daughter of his rival. What the hell was he going to do about it?
* * *
Cam noticed Ryder’s expression change and wondered at the hint of panic he saw on his old friend’s face. The bastard should’ve left a half hour ago and Cam knew, by the laughter dancing in his eyes, that he was hanging around purely to piss him off. But now the laughter was gone and worry turned his eyes a deeper shade of blue.
“Thank you, darlin’,” Ryder said, taking a glass of whiskey from Vivi, who resumed her place in the corner of the overstuffed leather sofa.
Vivi asked Ryder about his kids and Cam looked down at his child. Clem, dressed in pale purple pj’s with spotted dogs printed on them, was sprawled across his lap, legs and arms spread wide. Her eyelashes rested against her cheek, her perfect, rosebud mouth pursed. In sleep she looked like a porcelain doll, picture perfect. In real life, she was a walking, talking Energizer Bunny. The kid never, ever, stopped. Cam was an active guy, fit and strong, but Clem wore him out. Okay, she and her mother wore him out. The hours after Clem went to sleep were his and Vivi’s and they didn’t get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning.
It was as if they both realized that their time together was limited, that they had to take every moment given and enjoy every second. They were both acting like this couldn’t last, like they were living on borrowed time.
Cam looked down at Clem and reminded himself that he’d soon run out of excuses to keep Vivi and his daughter with him. At some point, they’d return to their cottage in Briarhills and he would be left alone in this house. He looked around at his informal, tastefully decorated living room and realized that the only thing giving the space warmth was Vivi’s presence.
Cam tuned out of their conversation, thinking about the way Vivi made him feel. He just had to look at her and his heart rate accelerated, his mouth dried up. He’d had lovers before but none, not even Emma, had made him feel so off balance. Sex had always been another basic function, something he enjoyed and forgot about. But sex with Vivi was different, wild and intoxicating. He couldn’t get enough of her.
Whatever was between them was different from anything he’d ever experienced and he had no clue how to handle it. Before Vivi and Clem, he’d been content to live his life alone, but now he didn’t know how he’d go back to that solitary life when they moved out.
He couldn’t define what he and Vivi had but it wasn’t meaningless. And he wasn’t enthusiastic about rambling around this mausoleum on his own. He liked hearing Clem’s high-pitched laughter, her tiny footsteps, her piping voice and her off-key singing. He liked coming home and seeing Vivi in his kitchen, sharing a glass of wine with her at the end of the day, watching her bathe their daughter. He wanted her to stick around and teach him how to be a dad, to let him share her bed and her body, have her explore his.
He liked this life with them in it.
But could he have it? Did he deserve it? He was, he reluctantly admitted, a controlling bastard. He liked calling the shots; of course, he did. He’d been a child without guidance, too much freedom and not enough di
scipline. He had run wild and free, with no sense of responsibility and no concept of accountability. Eventually he’d taken a path away from crime, but a part of him always thought that no matter how much money he made and how much he gave away to charity—anonymously, of course—he was stained by his past actions.
His daughter was pure goodness and Vivi was pure class. How could he possibly think he was good enough to be with them on even a semipermanent basis?
It would be so easy to lie to himself. To tell himself that he had a right to happiness, that he wasn’t the same person. But he knew he was, deep inside. He’d translated his ability of reading people to scanning the business world with an eagle eye, looking for an opportunity to pounce. He was still the same person—hard, driven, wily and cunning. Except now he just operated in a field that was legal. He was still the boy with a chip on his shoulder, constantly wanting and needing more. He’d never been satisfied with much for long, always looking for something new, something he’d never had.
What if, in time, Vivi and Clem weren’t enough, what if he wanted more? What then?
Cam was jerked out of his thoughts by Vivi’s hand on his shoulder. He looked up into her lovely face and his heart bounced off his chest.
“I’ll take Clem up to bed.”
He nodded and Vivi scooped Clem up, easily holding her in her arms. Cam glanced at his watch, saw that it was getting late and asked if she was going to come back down.
Vivi shook her head. “You spend some time with Ryder.” She turned to smile at the guest. “It was so nice to meet you, Ryder.”
Ryder and Cam stood up, and Ryder’s smile was easy. “I look forward to eating at your restaurant again soon, Vivi. I miss your ribs.”
“That’s kind of you to say.” Vivi’s smile held sadness and Cam reminded himself that he had to do something to convince her to allow him to bankroll the restaurant’s resurrection. He’d find a way past her independence and stubbornness. Her dream deserved that.
“Please tell me that’s she’s going back to work,” Ryder said once Vivi had left the room.
Ryder was so damn sharp, immediately picking up that something was off about Vivi’s response. He trusted Ryder and told him the truth. “Joe was underinsured and wants to retire. Vivi isn’t able to raise the cash needed to reopen.”
Ryder sat down and placed his ankle on his knee, his whiskey glass nearly empty. He shook his head when Cam offered him more. “So, get a group of investors together and fund the renovation,” Ryder said, frowning. “You’ve it done a hundred times before.”
Like he hadn’t considered that idea a thousand times. “She’s won’t let me. I’ve never come across anyone more independent or stubborn than Vivi Donner.”
Ryder chuckled. “She doesn’t want your money?”
“Neither my money nor my help,” Cam admitted.
“That’s hilarious.”
It really wasn’t. Cam poured himself another whiskey and frowned at his friend’s amusement. “I want to give her what she needs but she won’t take a damn thing,” he grumbled.
Ryder dropped his foot, leaned forward and handed Cam a hard look. “Are you sure that money is what she most needs from you?”
Cam met his eyes. “Probably not, but I can’t give her anything else, Ryder. She needs a good man, a man with no baggage, someone who isn’t...me.”
“Camden,” Ryder sighed his name. “Please tell me this isn’t about that horse crap Emma spouted so long ago.”
Emma had just verbalized what Cam knew to be the truth. “I can’t be the husband and father they need. I’m not—” He hesitated, unable to voice his deepest fear. He wasn’t good enough for them.
“Jesus, Cam.” Ryder pushed his hand through his thick hair. “Dammit, boy, when are you going to knock that chip off your shoulder? You’re not that kid you were, the person you were. People can change, Camden.”
“I’m terrified that I’ll let them down, Ry.”
“That’s part of being a dad, Camden, part of love. We all feel like that at one time or another. I felt like that with all my kids, and doubly so when Maya came along.”
Cam cocked his head, interested. “I thought you would’ve felt more confident by then, having had Xander and Annabel already.”
“I worried that I couldn’t love Maya the same way I loved the kids of my blood, that I’d let her down, that I’d fail her.”
“You adore Maya,” Cam pointed out.
“Of course, I do. I love her with every fiber of my being,” Ryder retorted. “She might not carry my DNA but she’s my kid, every gorgeous inch of her.”
Cam wondered whether he should ask and then shrugged. What the hell, Ryder would or wouldn’t answer. “How did you come to adopt Maya? How did she come into your and Elinah’s life?”
Ryder stared at him before looking away. A few seconds later, he spoke again.
“So what I’m trying to tell you is that every father has doubts, we are all scared. And anyone who isn’t doesn’t have the brains to realize how hard the job is,” Ryder said, obviously choosing not to answer his question. Fair enough. It was Ryder’s business after all.
Ryder stood up and placed his glass on the coffee table in front of him. Cam followed him to his feet and tried not to squirm when Ryder stared at him. “If you gave yourself the slightest chance, the smallest break, you’d realize that you’d be a great dad, Cam. Despite your past, you’re as honest as the day is long, and your streak of integrity is a mile wide. You are not the boy you used to be. You’ll be fine.”
Cam released some tension and wished he could embrace Ryder’s words, to trust himself as Ryder seemed to trust him. But he’d have to start doing that, if he was going to be the dad Clem needed him to be.
“You’d also make a really good husband.” Ryder grinned at him. “Bad boys always do.”
Ha-ha, funny.
Not.
Nine
Cam looked a little lost and very alone when he walked into his bedroom later that night. From the window where she stood, way on the other side of the room, Vivi watched him sit on the edge of his huge bed, his elbows on his knees, his fingers tunneled into his hair. His shoulders, usually so broad, were hunched and he stared at the hardwood floor beneath his feet as if it held all the secrets to the universe.
She’d suspected that he wouldn’t come to her tonight, wouldn’t make the first move for them to spend the night together. So, after putting Clem in her bed and showering, she’d slipped into Cam’s room to wait for him. He’d been perfectly charming during dinner tonight, but as she laughed with Ryder and heard stories of Cam’s past, she’d felt him retreat. His eyes had deepened, held more shadows, and he hadn’t engaged in the conversation. Vivi knew he was mentally walking away from her and she wondered why.
“Hi.”
Great opening line, Donner. Surely you can do better.
Vivi watched as Cam slowly turned around, his expression inscrutable. He tried to hide his feelings but his dark, beautiful eyes told her that he wanted her. It was in the way his gaze lingered on her legs, on her chest and her mouth before his eyes slammed into hers.
“You want me,” Vivi stated, her voice stronger.
“You’re a beautiful woman. I’d have to be dead not to,” Cam replied, lifting his feet onto the bed and placing his hands behind his head. The big muscles in his arms bulged and she had to grip the drape to keep her feet in place. Because if she didn’t anchor herself to something she’d be stretched out over him and reaching for that bulging zipper.
Concentrate, Vivi. “But you don’t want to want me. You don’t want the possibility of us.”
For an instant Vivi thought he might deny her statement, but at the last minute he snapped his mouth closed and schooled his features, deliberately placing his hand over his erection. “It’s late, Viv. Are we going to do it, or can I go t
o sleep?”
Vivi blew out her breath as she struggled to hold on to her temper. He was being a jerk and she wasn’t going to let him get away with it. She told him as much.
His eyes widened at her statement and his hand fell from his groin to rest on the comforter next to him. Knowing that she couldn’t allow him the opportunity to talk or walk away, she moved quickly and talked faster. “Let’s talk about what’s freaking you out, McNeal.”
When he stayed silent, Vivi crawled onto the bed next to him, crossed her legs and placed her forearms on her knees. “My being here, Clem being here, is starting to feel less like playacting and more like real life, huh?”
His nonanswer was an answer in itself.
“Sometimes I feel like you want us to stay, other times I feel like you can’t wait for us to leave.”
Cam’s fingers tapped the cotton comforter. “I enjoy spending time with Clem.”
“But you’re not enjoying me?”
Cam lifted his eyes and she saw his confusion. She understood it. So much had happened in such a short time that it was hard for him to wrap his head around it. But they had to, because this wasn’t just about them. They had a daughter to consider. If Vivi was confused about what was happening between her and Cam, then Clem—bright as a button and an absolute barometer when it came to reading emotions—would start feeling confused, too.
“I love—” Cam hesitated and Vivi knew that he was picking his words carefully. He didn’t want to hurt her but knew that he would anyway. “—this. The sex, it’s awesome, Vivi.”
It was awesome. “But?”
“But I can’t be what you want, what you need.”
Oh, this was going to be interesting. “What do you think I need, Camden?”
“I think you need and deserve it all, Vivianne.” Cam lifted one big shoulder and let it drop. “I think you deserve the big house and the nifty car and not having to worry about cash ever again.”
