by Alora Kate
“Our mother got her tubes tied after I was born. For some reason, she kept you but got rid of me.” She looked away, her eyes glossy with unshed tears.
I shook my head. I almost felt sorry for this woman, believing all the lies my mother told her. My mother probably saw a sucker in this woman and tried to get everything out of her that she could. She had no shame, stooping so low as to lie to an innocent woman wouldn’t surprise me.
“I don’t believe you.”
“You have to believe me.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Lex, honey, maybe we should just hear what she has to say,” Ki said softly.
I glanced at my flowers and suddenly wanted to call him. I wanted to thank him and apologize for slapping him. Maybe take him out to lunch, catch up and all that crap. He really needed to accept my apology.
“Lex,” Ki said clearing her throat, “let’s listen.”
“Whatever.”
Emma kept glancing down at her purse and we waited for her to speak. “I didn’t know I was adopted until last year. My mother, the one who raised me, had an accident and needed a blood transfusion. It was then that I learned she wasn’t my biological mom. To make a long story short, I found her, our mother. It took a few weeks, but I did it. I went to her, I met her, and I started meeting with her once a week. I knew about her addiction, I knew about your relationship, and I begged her to introduce us but she said it wasn’t the right time. She said she was a horrible mom and she was trying to make things right. I’m the one who got her into the last rehab facility.” Her voice cracked and her eyes filled with tears. “She only told me your name last week. She said that if anything happened to her, she wanted me to know your name. She knew something bad was going to happen. She was so afraid that she refused to meet with me again.”
“My mother liked her drugs. She liked getting high. She liked to party and forget her troubles; so yes, of course something bad was going to happen. I always knew the drugs would kill her.”
“She told me that she couldn’t even take care of you, let alone two kids, and that’s why she gave me away. She said she wanted to get better and be a great mother, but she said she was heartbroken over your father dying and she turned to drugs. She said after your father died her demons came back, and she didn’t know how to get rid of them but to get high. She had more than a broken heart,” she paused for a minute and wiped her eyes. Her lower lip trembled and Ki gripped her hand. “She had serious mental health issues, something that you never knew about…she kept that from you. She picked the wrong way to deal with them, letting the drugs fend off her demons.”
I knew none of this; my mother told her long-lost daughter all of this but not me.
Was I not good enough?
Why didn’t she give me up like Emma?
If she knew what a horrible mother she was, why did I have to stay with her and suffer?
Why wasn’t I given the chance to live a normal life with a normal family?
Why was Emma good enough to save, but not me?
I thought the last few months we had made progress. She apologized every time I saw her; sometimes she would cry. I really thought she meant it, but she had kept things from me.
“She wanted to repair your relationship before she told you about me.”
“You’ve had her for a year?”
She nodded, and Ki came to stand next to me, putting her hand on my shoulder but that didn’t stop me from speaking.
“Our mother was a liar. An addict. A whore. As much as she tried to hide it, I knew she was selling her body for drugs or money to buy the drugs. Not money to buy food for her starving daughter, clothes to keep her child warm in the winter. Not money to keep a roof over our heads, heat in our home, or the lights on. Don’t get it twisted, Emma, . . . the money she made always went to her drugs. She didn’t care about me, never did until two months ago, and now here you are. You got to know her better than I ever did. You knew my mother better in a year’s time than I did my entire life. But you didn’t really know her, Emma. You didn’t know the look in her eye when she needed a fix, when she would beg, borrow, steal, fuck for her next fix. You didn’t know the way she would slur your name when the drugs started to kick in. You didn’t know how she would sob at night when life got too real. You didn’t know what it was like to be embarrassed of your own mother, to be starving because your mother didn’t care enough to feed you. You didn’t . . .” I stopped, taking in Emma’s wide eyes and I took a deep breath. I couldn’t let her get to me anymore. “You’ve spent more time with her than I ever had, so excuse me when I ask you to leave.”
“What?”
“Please leave.”
“Someone killed her.”
“She killed herself.”
“Please, Alexa, she was getting better. She wanted us to be a family—”
“Family? Mom didn’t know the first thing about family,” I scoffed.
“—and the last time I spoke to her, she told me your name. She was afraid of something. I really think there’s more to her death, if you’d just listen—”
“She’s dead,” I said standing up. “I want nothing more to do with her.”
She stood. “But I’m your sister.”
“If you say so.”
“Lex!” Ki hissed at my side. “Stop being rude.”
“I’m being honest.”
“And rude. Your mom died, you haven’t even cried. You’re in denial, and now you find out you have a sister and you don’t care?”
“Nope.”
“I know you have problems dealing with your feelings and you would rather forget and move on, but this is serious, Lex. You need to talk to me. Or someone else, if needed, but you can’t just shut it out, and go on with life. It’s not healthy.”
“My mother lied to me my entire life. She barely fed me. Sometimes she’d be gone for days and I’d have to lie to my teachers and what little friends I had so they wouldn’t put me in the foster system. I raised myself. Me. No one else. No one was there for me.” I turned to Emma. “Our mother gave you the best gift in life by giving you away.”
They both begged me to stay as I walked away but I couldn’t.
My mother was dead and she was still letting me down.
She was still breaking my heart.
She was still disappointing me.
Would it ever stop?
Chapter 8 – Alexa
The hot water rained on my head, falling over my face, washing the tears away. I shouldn’t cry over her. I shouldn’t be upset she’s gone. My entire life she let me down.
Sometimes I wondered how I even survived her care. Who fed me when I was little and knew nothing? Who changed my diapers? Who bought them? These questions and more haunt me, always have. I didn’t get the time to ask her. I barely had two months of her time, and it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to get closure. It wasn’t enough to move on.
But I couldn’t stop the tears. I couldn’t stop the memories from playing repeatedly in my mind. The good ones, the bad ones, the ones I hid from. Her voice. Her hands. The sorrow I saw in her eyes every time we got together over the last two months.
But then the anger came. I would remember those hunger pains I felt as a small girl, when I would shake my mother awake, begging her for food. And how my heart broke when she would shove me off her, mumbling that I needed to figure it out. I remember thinking how my mommy didn’t care that I was hurting, that I was starving; didn’t care that I was dirty, that people started to ask questions. That was the moment I realized I was worthless to her, and it shattered me.
The tears came faster as more and more memories played faster and faster. The rotating door of men coming to our home. The grunts, the moans, the sobs. The scent of sex and booze and smoke. The dirty dollar bills, the condoms falling from her bed. The scary men that would come over, the ones who would draw the curtains and Mother would usher me out of the room, but when I got older, would push me closer to them. The baggies,
the burnt spoons. The needles and ‘Mommy’s special medicine box.’
I grabbed my sugar scrub and started cleaning my face.
Emma.
My sister. Or was she? Why would she think our mom was murdered? She stuck the needled in her arm, I saw her body and knew what I was told. I knew what I saw. If she was in trouble, she would have told me. I was the investigator, not Emma.
Nothing made sense when it came to my mom.
Ki called my name through the door before it opened. She didn’t say anything, but I knew she stayed in there. She was always here for me, my best friend. She only wanted the best, and I had been a complete mess with everything going on.
I hated to admit when she was right.
I hated to admit when I was wrong.
“I know you’re crying,” she said after I shut the water off. I pulled the curtain back and she handed me my towel. “It’s good, Lex.”
“I don’t know exactly why I’m crying,” I replied, wrapping the towel around my body. I grabbed the other one and bent over to wrap my hair up in it.
“It’s okay that you don’t know, at least your expressing them.”
I stood up and rubbed the foggy mirror with a washcloth and saw that I had scrubbed my face too hard and turned it red and blotchy.
“I’m trying.”
“I know you are.”
“Was she mad?”
“Emma? I got her number, told her we would talk soon.”
“What if she’s my sister?”
“Then you have a sister. It’ll take time but you’ll get to know each other, maybe have a great relationship. Maybe you won’t, but you owe it to yourself to find out. You both deserve to know each other.”
“And my mom? What if she was murdered?”
“Then we find the fucker who did it.”
###
“Hey, Tapper, it’s Lex,” I paused, “Alexa. My flowers . . .” I put my hand to my head while pacing my room. “The flowers are beautiful. Too beautiful for words. I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve you. I mean, I didn’t deserve you, last year or anyone for that matter. I’d let you down. Hell, I already let you down and we weren’t together. Or we were, I don’t even know but you did. You really liked me and I didn’t even see it because I avoid relationships. I avoid feelings. I learned a long time ago how to block them and shut people out. I didn’t want to get hurt or be disappointed ever again, nor do that to anyone. But I hurt you.” I choked up. “I’m so sorry, Tap, so very sorry for the way I acted last year. I didn’t have anyone to love me growing up, therefore I never learned anything about love. But then Ki came along, and somehow, she got in. I let her in and I have no idea why,” I glanced up at her, “but I love her. She’s the only person who taught me what it was like to love and be loved.” I looked back to the floor. “Anyway, I thought if I told you a little more about myself that you would understand that what happened last year wasn’t planned. It wasn’t meant to hurt you. I had no clue because I never allowed myself to see anything in front of me. So, there it is. I’m sorry, I truly am.”
I hung up and tossed the phone on the bed where Ki was sitting.
“I’m so proud of you, Lex.”
“I don’t feel good.” I ran out of my room, into the bathroom, and fell to my knees. Nerves. My nerves were shot. I was exhausted and worn out. Ki shoved toilet paper in my face, and I cleaned my mouth and flushed the toilet. She watched me while I brushed my teeth and then walked me back to my room. “I still don’t feel good.”
“You’re stressed out, Lex. A lot of things happened this week and it’s hitting you all at once.”
Last night after my shower, I crashed. I slept for twelve hours and had a lazy day. But I knew I had to deal with life. I had to deal with Tapper, and Emma.
“Maybe I should go to the doctor.”
“It’s your body. If you feel like you need a checkup, then go.”
“I’ll see how I feel in the morning.”
“You need to rest.” She wiggled my otter at me and I reached out for it, tucking it in my arms.
“Sleep does sound good,” I muttered closing my eyes.
“I’ll see you in the morning.”
I nodded into my pillow.
“Oh, and Lex . . .”
“Huh?”
“I love you too.”
Chapter 9 – Alexa
“I left the message two days ago.” I continued to pace the office, in front of our desks, while Ki sat in her chair doing something on the computer. I really needed to set some time for myself today to organize my desk. Tons of pink post-it notes were stuck everywhere—on the top of my desk, across the top of my monitor, I even had some in the drawers. My black pen holder held my fancy ballpoint pens and a legal pad of paper held all of my call backs and messages I needed to get to today. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t focus because of a certain someone that kept running through my mind.
“You haven’t tried him either.”
“I told him things I never thought I would tell anyone, let alone a man.”
“I’m sure he knows that.”
“Then why isn’t he calling me back?” I tugged my hair out of its ponytail in frustration before I stood in front of Ki’s desk and pulled it back up.
“I don’t have all the answers in life, Lex, but maybe he’s busy. Maybe something came up or he’s still processing his own feelings.”
I looked out the glass windows and watched a few people walk by, and Ki continued, “You broke his heart, Lex. Let the man process the information and decide what to do with it. Maybe he moved on, maybe he doesn’t care, but you were brave and opened yourself up, and I think that will help you move on. You apologized, you were honest and sincere, he knows that.”
“I thought maybe we’d be friends.”
“Or more?” I didn’t need to look at Ki to see the smile on her face or the lift in her eyebrow. I could hear it in her voice, just like she could hear the frustration in mine.
I turned around. “I don’t know. My feelings are jumbled but I still like him, even though he’s an ass. I never saw this rough side of him except when he was in the ring and just like then, it’s a turn on. He was so carefree and happy when we were together, and I really liked that about him. But when he got all serious on me, I bailed. I’m good at bailing.”
“You haven’t bailed on me.”
“Well, there’s still time,” I joked.
“Don’t joke about that.”
I walked back to my desk, my lilies still living and in full bloom. I smiled. God, they were beautiful. “Do you think it would be weird if I sent him flowers back? So he doesn’t forget about me?”
“He’s not going to forget about you.”
She grabbed the ringing phone and answered, “Thanks for calling Two Girls Investigate, this is one of them, how can I help you,” while and I closed my eyes and smelled my flowers again.
The venue was small, but the atmosphere was absolutely electric. The bouncers were sending people away—they sold out of tickets a few hours before the match was set to start. It was standing room only when I got here, but Tapper’s manager ushered me passed, escorting me to my ringside seat. This wasn’t the first match I came to see, but it was the first time I ever got ringside seating. I blushed as people grumbled, and couldn’t sit still once I was seated. I kept crossing and uncrossing my legs, fidgeting with my phone after I sent him a selfie of me in my seat. I heard the men behind me talk about the fight, they had money on Tapper, as he was undefeated, and called me his lucky charm last night, among other things. He wouldn’t have sex with me though, said it was bad luck before a match. I pouted but fell asleep with him whispering all of the filthy things he would do to me after he won tonight’s match.
My phone vibrated in my hand and I grinned. A message from Tap. His goofy smile and crossed eyes lit up my phone with his sweet message. I’m ready to win now that I saw my beautiful lucky charm. I was just about to send a message back,
reminding him to keep his focus on his match when the lights went low, the crowd erupted in cheers, and the deafening music filled the room.
I stood up with everyone else as Tapper and his crew walked into the venue. He exuded confidence, his face set and focused on the ring. As he neared, he moved to me with purpose and my breath caught. His body was perfection, and I felt my body heat with want, anticipating a night filled with moans and pleasure. His strong hands reached for me, sliding up my back, cupping the sides of my head. He kissed me deeply and the crowd went wild. We broke away breathless, a grin curving his lips.
“Watch me, dollface. I’ll be quick in the ring, but I won’t be tonight.”
###
“I have to go see him tomorrow,” I told Ki as I walked into her room. Prescot was sitting behind her on the bed, brushing her hair. I smiled at her and she stuck her tongue out at me. “Prescot, do you have therapy tomorrow?”
He nodded.
“Ki, I’m coming with you.”
“Tapper,” he said looking at me. “He won’t be there.”
“How do you know?”
“Heard he had surgery today.”
My eyes went wide and Ki gasped.
“Surgery?”
Prescot nodded, and I knew he knew nothing more so I turned around and went to my room to find my phone. Picking it up, I called him without even thinking. It went straight to voicemail. I slipped my shoes on and grabbed my purse.
“I’m going with you,” Ki said, slipping her shoes on when I walked back into the living room.
“You’re tired and he’s here, just stay home.”
“I’m not letting you go alone.”
“I’m fine.”
“I’m coming whether you like it or not.”
Prescot came with us and paid for the cab ride, which was super sweet of him. The nurse gave me a hard time because of visiting hours and the fact that he was kind of famous, but Prescot took over and twenty minutes later, they let us visit him. On the way to his room, she said he had kidney stones that needed to be removed but he was going to be just fine. She reminded us we only had a few minutes and left us at his door.
