by Alora Kate
Pouring a glass of wine, I tried to pull my thoughts together. What was I going to say? What was he going to say? And what the hell was I going to wear?
Chapter 12 – Tapper
I was released from the hospital this morning, and I’ve been on edge ever since. I drove Ma crazy from the minute I left the hospital to the minute she left my loft. I was a bundle of nervous energy, so much so that Ma was almost afraid to leave me on my own. She knew better though.
I had a cleaning service that came to my loft often and kept the place nice and neat because I couldn’t do it all on my own. That wasn’t enough for me today though. I kept moving things back and forth, like the pillows on my couch. I wanted to impress Alexa. I wanted her to know that I could take care of myself.
I could take care of her too.
Finally, after Ma and I had lunch, I agreed to settle in for a while. I didn’t want to be completely exhausted for when Lex came over, and I saw how overwhelmed Ma was feeling with my nervous energy.
I was sitting in bed, resting, waiting for Lex to show up. She never replied when I said I would see her at four, so I assumed she would be here.
I checked the time, it was three minutes after four and I sent a text letting her know the door was open.
I didn’t have anyone to love me growing up, therefore I never learned anything about love.
Her words crushed me, and all my hate and anger toward her went out the door. I no longer cared about what happened last year or the fact that she broke my heart. She didn’t know anything when it came to love but I was going to show her. I wanted to show her I loved her because my feelings for her have never changed.
A few weeks after she left me, I was attacked and I never had the chance to date or move on. All my time and energy was focused on my recovery and I’m glad it was because my feelings were real and overwhelming for her.
I would never forget Alexa Tanner and she wasn’t going to forget me, not again.
I heard her soft voice call out and I told her I was in the bedroom. She walked in slowly and I patted the side of the bed next to me. She left her blond hair down and was wearing a long, dark blue summer dress.
“The dress is new?”
She glanced down at it as she sat next to me. “It’s this thing with, Ki. She got flowers from Prescot and the card talked about wearing a dress, and I found out—” She glanced at me and shook her head. “We both wore dresses today.”
“Well, you look beautiful.”
“Like my flowers.”
I sat up and couldn’t hide the pain that shot through my stomach forcing me to lean back against my headboard, feeling like a failure that I couldn’t even bring myself to kiss her.
“I’m sorry it hurts so much,” she said softly, twisting her hands in her lap. She looked amazing, she smelled great, and here I was acting like a pussy.
I wanted her here for a reason.
It was now or never.
I forced myself up, reached out to her, and she knew want I wanted. She met me halfway and I finally had what I wanted for the last year.
I had her.
Despite what she thought, she was mine. Those feelings she thinks she doesn’t have, she has them. She still wants me. Tapper Low. Wheelchair and all.
“I missed this, Lex,” I whispered against her lips and felt her hand squeeze mine. “God, I’ve missed you so damn much.”
“I’m so sorry, Tap,” she whispered putting her forehead to mine.
“I know.”
She closed her eyes and gave me her lips and I slowly laid back against the headboard and she followed me, slowly putting her leg over me, straddling me. As soon as our kiss deepened she pulled back out of breath. “Am I hurting you?”
“Think I care about that?”
My arms tightened around her when she tried to move and her swollen lips slowly smiled at me as one word left my lips. “Dollface.”
One word.
One fucking word and I broke her.
She blinked her eyes a few times but she couldn’t stop them from falling.
“God, Lex. I’m sorry.”
She put both hands on her face and mumbled that she needed a moment, and there was nothing I could do but give her that moment. My dollface—last year, I would hardly call her Alexa or Lex, she was always my dollface. She was my lucky charm in and out of the ring; I always wanted her with me, by my side, and I did everything I could to make that happen.
If I wasn’t training, I had wanted every moment of her time.
I had been selfish.
“Was I selfish?”
She cracked her fingers and peeked at me. “What?”
“I got the message, I understand you had a shitty childhood . . . but when we were together, was I selfish? Did I ask too much of you?”
“No, Tap.” She slid her fingers under her eyes. “No, it was all on me.”
“Don’t blame yourself.”
“We both know it was me.”
The past needed to be put behind us; I was sick of living there.
“I gotta stop living in the past, Lex. I’ve carried that anger toward you for way too long and you don’t deserve that.”
“Neither of us do.” She slid to my side and curled into me the best she could.
“We have a lot to talk about,” I told her while my hand sifted through her hair, bringing back memories of better times. “But for now, can we just sit here, without words or expectations and enjoy this?”
“I’d love that.”
###
Hearing a soft whisper in my ear calling my name woke me up. With my eyes closed, I rolled my head toward her and felt her lips, so soft and sweet as she pressed them on mine and then slowly pulled away.
“I need to get home, Tap.” I glanced at the window and could tell the sun was setting by the colorful hues coming through the blinds. “And you need to rest,” she finished on a yawn.
“I just did that.”
“I know, but I should go.” She sat up, ran her hands through her hair, and pulled it over her shoulder.
As much as I wanted her to stay, I wasn’t ready to go all in, not yet.
“I understand.”
She grabbed my hand and pulled it to her mouth and placed a kiss on my palm. “Can I come back tomorrow?”
“You better.”
“We’ll talk more tomorrow then . . . about us.”
“We can talk about whatever you want to talk about, Lex.”
She nodded, and once again said nothing about her mother.
I wanted to tell her I knew.
I wanted her to cry on my shoulder.
I wanted her to hit something.
Whatever it took to help her deal with it, I wanted to be the one who helped her. But she said nothing and I knew it wasn’t my place.
She wasn’t ready.
For now, I’d take what I could get but I knew someday she’d be ready. Someday we would have it all.
“Can I tell you something before you leave?”
She nodded, holding my hand in her lap.
“You’re it for me, Lex. I knew it last year, and still to this day, I know it’s true. Last year, when you left, I didn’t fight for you. I let you go. It was stupid of me and I promise you this, I’m not letting go this time. You are my future, dollface.”
She kissed me goodbye and unlike last year, this kiss held a promise. A promise of something more. A promise that she would be back.
Chapter 13 – Alexa
“So, you talked about nothing, but everything?” Ki said, sitting on her bed when I walked back in with a bottle of beer. “How’s that possible, and why did you buy beer?”
I carefully made my way back to her bed. I swear, something may be alive under the pile of clothes that are on Ki’s floor. You’d think with her OCD issues, her room would be perfect but I knew she was stressed out and if one thing could be out of order, I’d prefer it to be her room and not our business. She calls it her ‘controlled chaos,’ but it
would drive me insane.
“It’s my favorite kind,” I replied.
“Yes, but you haven’t had beer in a while.”
“So, I wanted something different.”
She shook her head at me. “Okay. Well, tell me more.”
“That’s it.” I sat at the foot of her bed and crossed my legs.
“There has to be more.”
“He wants me, Ki, just like last year and he said he was going to fight for me. He still kisses me with so much passion that it makes my head spin.” I couldn’t help the smile that kept tugging at my lips. I finally saw my old Tap, the spontaneous man that I thoroughly enjoyed last year. The man who would kiss me without abandon in front of anyone and everyone.
“That’s so sweet, about the words, not the kiss. The kiss sounds hot.”
“It is and it was,” I said pulling the beer to my lips.
“You don’t seem excited, Lex.”
“Still processing,” I said, circling my beer in front of me. “You know . . . the feelings. How I feel. How we’re so different now, and why he changed his mind so fast? He was so angry and mad at me, and now he seems like he’s back to the old Tapper that I used to know.”
He said a lot tonight that I had to figure out.
Ultimately, I wanted Tap. And I’m not sure if I ever stopped wanting him over the year. No one ever stuck to me like he did. The detective was the only man I’d been with since I left Tap, and I didn’t care to hear his stories nor did I get that small skip in my heart when I saw his name flash on my phone. I mean, I liked him but I think my feelings were confused because the ones I had for the detective belonged to Tapper Low.
Tapper said I was it, that I was the one and he said it with conviction, like it was a fact, not a feeling.
How is he so sure of me, of us, when I can’t even count on myself half the time?
I know I won’t walk away from him this time because the feelings that had been in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart since I walked out of his loft won’t go away. They’re strong and I’m holding on for whatever wild ride that Tapper was going to bring me on.
“You opened yourself up, Lex. You gave him a piece of you and made sense of what happened last year. He’d be stupid if he kept pushing you away.”
“I missed him, Ki. I didn’t even realize it until he kissed me.”
“Well, I’m glad things are looking up for you with Tap, so happy about that, but can we talk about your sister?”
“Why the change in subject?”
“She called again. I know that dealing with your sister and mom will help you move on. You can’t just let that sit out there, not being solved, not dealing with it. The longer you ignore it, the worse it’s going to get.”
Sighing, I took another drink of my beer then said, “I’m working on it.”
“Good.” She adjusted her pillow and laid down, but stayed facing me. “But hurry up so you can move on, Lex. I really like Tapper, but you have unfinished business that might prevent you from making things work out with him.”
I loved my best friend’s honesty and so thankful I had her. She smiled and after a minute, she said, “I’m nervous about tomorrow.”
“The doctor’s appointment?”
“Yes.”
“Want me to come?”
“You can but Prescot will be there, along with Donovan.”
I’d let the guys take care of her so I could work. “Worst case, they make you wait longer to heal. Your dad seems fine.”
“I think he’s good at pretending.”
“A lot of us are good at pretending.”
She gave me an all-knowing smile and snuggled into her pillow more. “Have you seen my otter?”
I glanced around the room and eyed the dirty clothes on the floor and decided to clean her room. I slid off the bed and set my beer down and started to pick up clothes while looking for her otter. “I think I heard that Olivia and Ophelia Otter were off fighting the evil woodland creature villains again,” I said as I grabbed a handful of hangers and set it on the top of her dresser. “Or, they may be lost in the volcano of Ki here.” I nudged a heap of clothes with my foot.
I heard her giggle-snort but she didn’t engage in my antics. “That’s what happens when the two of you make me wear a dress. I had to search my closet and then I was so tired from pulling everything out that I just left it there.”
“I’ll take care of it, besides we both looked pretty damn good today.”
She looked away and her cheeks pinked. “The dress went over very well with Prescot.”
I knew it would. It hugged all her curves, the ones she tried to hide. “Is he coming over tonight?”
“I haven’t heard back but he’s got a key, remember?”
She gave him a key the other day so we could keep the door locked. Ki got a few quotes on the security system and was going to pick one of them over the weekend. I trusted her to make big decisions so when she asked me to look it over, I declined. We had a great laugh about it and she promised to teach me how to use it so I wouldn’t accidentally set it off.
She said she wouldn’t fall asleep while I sorted her clothes but she was fast asleep by the time I got done. I hung up the clean ones, and tossed the dirty ones into the basket she kept inside her closet and slowly slid the doors closed.
I set aside Ki’s favorite soft cotton lounge pants and a black tank top. I knew how nervous she was for tomorrow and knowing Ki, she would barely sleep. I wanted to do what I could to help her, and even if it was something as easy as setting out her favorite comfy clothes, I would. I rifled through her drawer and pulled out a grape sucker and set it on top of her clothes. When I went to grab my beer, I noticed her otter was wedged between her nightstand and the bed. I grabbed it, tucked it into her side, and then turned her fan on because I knew she liked the noise. I shut her door behind me and went to deal with my life.
I thought about Tapper, then Emma, and then my mom. I had to deal with it and I hated that I had to, but it had to be done. My emotions were screwed up and I had to start sorting through them like Ki said before they got out of control or I did something stupid.
I walked around the living room drinking my beer thinking about everything I knew, which wasn’t much. I had to start with Emma.
Grabbing my notebook and pen from my purse, I went to the kitchen island and started making a list. A list of questions that I would ask her. I finished two beers when I realized that I had forgotten to check my messages. I let Tapper know when I had gotten home and he asked if I would call him before I went to bed. Technically I was doing that, but it was almost midnight.
His last message read, I don’t care when you call, dollface, but you have to call. It came through ten minutes ago so I hit the call button and put the phone to my ear.
Barely one ring later, his sleepy voice put a smile on my face. “Dollface.”
“I’m so sorry, I was working and drinking beer and I lost track of time.”
“Why are you working?”
“Um, I’m making a list of questions for a new case I’m working on.”
“Sounds fun.”
“It’s not, hence the two beers.”
“You always found a way to find the fun in things.” I could hear the smile in his voice, no doubt remembering times he helped me in the past.
“Not lately.”
“We’ll change that,” he mumbled into the phone.
“You sound tired, Tap, I should let you go.”
“I wish you would have stayed.”
I wish I had to.
“Maybe next time.”
“There’ll be a next time?”
“Of course, Tap.”
“It’s like music to my ears.”
“Did you take a pain pill?”
“I might have, does that make me weak?”
“It makes you a man.”
He laughed and then whispered, “I’m glad we found each other again, Lex. Goodnight.” He didn�
�t let me answer before he hung up.
Typical Tap, always leaving me breathless. He also knew me better than I gave him credit for. He knew I needed to hear these things, but also knew I couldn’t respond to or reciprocate those feelings yet.
I put my beer bottle in the bin and made my way to my bedroom.
Tapper Low was the reason I was going to sleep with a smile on my face and a lone butterfly in my stomach—and he barely even touched me.
Chapter 14 – Alexa
“So, you’ve spent the last year with her?”
Emma nodded, twisting in her seat. She was a bundle of nerves.
“And she refused to tell you my name?”
“She said she needed more time with you before she told you about me. She wanted to try to repair your relationship first since this was huge news.”
“Huh.”
“She was adamant about it; a year went by, so when she finally told me your name, I knew she was serious about being in trouble.”
“When you asked her about it, she didn’t give you any details?”
“No. The last time I spoke with her on the phone, she said, ‘If something happens to me, her name is Alexa Tanner and she’s a private investigator.’ I think she was trying to tell me something.”
The silence was deafening in the office as we all waited for my next move—like an incredibly tense game of chess. Ki kept looking between me and Emma, Emma kept her eyes mostly to the floor, and I couldn’t take my eyes off Emma. Every time I looked at her, I tried to see what my mother saw in her that deemed her life worth saving. What was so special about her that gave her the right to a life away from our mother? And when I couldn’t find one damn thing wrong with Emma, I turned on myself. What the hell was wrong with me that my mother wouldn’t think I deserved the chance. I had my next question on the tip of my tongue, but I really didn’t want to know the answer. It wasn’t like I wanted to dislike Emma, and I worried that when I found out her answer, I would.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was now or never, but I had to know. I had to know where we stood. “So, you were raised by good people?”
