by Lisa Ferrari
“He’s persistent,” Kellan says. “I’ll give him that.”
“Think I should go?”
“Heck no.”
“But it’s Random House. That’s… big.”
“I know. But we don’t even know if he’s telling the truth.”
“Why would he lie?”
“The same reason men have been lying to women for thousands of years. To get into their pants.”
“You really think he’s lying?”
“I don’t know. I wouldn’t put it past him. Look, let’s just hold off until we find out if we got the movie roles. Once we know that, we’ll be able to plan better. If you get the role, once the movie comes out, your book sales will skyrocket all by themselves. Every publisher in New York will want to talk to you about your books. Every agent in the country will be fighting to represent you. You won’t need Hamburger Wellington. What’s his name again?”
“Nathan Wentworth.”
“Oh, right. I like my version better.”
Kellan has a point. But if I don’t go to Manhattan to talk to Random house and I don’t get the movie role, I may not have anything. And then I’ll be pissed.
Kellan kisses the back of my hand. “Claire… don’t worry. Trust me. Look… if you really really really really want to go to Manhattan to see Sexist Hamburger Boy, then go. But if you can stall for time, just a little more time, I think it would be best. That’s what I would do.”
My life has improved radically since having met Kellan The Killer Kearns. So I agree.
“So, what about your birthday?” he asks.
“I don’t know. What if we went back to Monterey? We had such a good time there for your birthday.”
“That’s true. We had an amazing time there for my birthday.”
“Let’s go there.”
“Okay. I’ll set it up.”
“Maybe we can go to the aquarium this time. If we can keep our clothes on long enough.”
“Sure. Anything you want. You’re the birthday girl.”
We drive in silence for a while, holding hands. It’s a beautiful morning. Sunny. Blue sky. Not too cold.
“So,” Kellan says, “I’ve been meaning to ask you, what sort of wedding would you like to have?”
“What?”
Kellan holds up my hand. The sun catches the diamond on my finger.
“What sort of wedding would you like to have?” he asks again.
“Gosh, I have no idea. I haven’t even thought about it.” And with more than a bit of horror, I realize this is true.
“That’s confidence inspiring.”
“No, it’s just that all my energy has been going into training and eating and sleeping. Maybe… Would it be all right if we don’t worry about it too much right now? We just got engaged two months ago. I’m still enjoying being engaged. I don’t think I’m ready to put all my effort into planning the ceremony and stuff. At least, not until after we know what’s going to happen with the movie. Is that okay?”
“Of course. There’s no hurry. We can enjoy being engaged for as long as you like. Take a whole six months if you like.”
“Only six months? That means we’ll be married by Halloween.”
Kellan smiles knowingly.
“Kellan… please don’t pressure me.”
“I’m kidding.”
“Do you really want to get married that soon?”
“I’m ready to get married today. If you wanted to go to Vegas and do it tonight, I would do that. I’d prefer that we plan it a bit more than that so we can have a dream wedding someplace with a big cake and a photographer and drums–”
“Drums?”
“Yeah, like those big Japanese bass drums the guys beat on with big hammers. I saw them in college one time. Imagine walking down the aisle to that. That’s a wedding everyone would remember forever.”
“You’re joking, right?”
“Of course. Seriously, though, I think a year or so is a good amount of time to be engaged. Maybe a year and a half, and then we can have a nice ceremony we’ll always remember. Schwarzenegger had six cameras at his wedding. So I think we should have seven.”
“Seven cameras? Why don’t we just live-stream it on YouTube and Periscope while we’re at it?”
“Okay! We can charge admission! Forty-nine dollars to attend our wedding live. Imagine if a thousand people signed up. That would be forty-nine grand. Or what if it was ten thousand? That would be four hundred and ninety grand. We could clear almost half a million bucks in one day.”
“You want to monetize our wedding?”
“It’s a thought. Depends on whether or not we get the part in the movie.”
“Seriously, though, you’re thinking we get married next summer? That’s roughly a year and a half from now.”
“Sure.”
I don’t say anything.
“Does that scare you?” Kellan asks.
“No.”
“Calire… Talk to me. Does that scare you?”
“Doesn’t it scare you?”
“Maybe a little. It’s a big step. Marrying someone. Taking a vow to be together forever. But that’s what I want. I love being with you. And I would love to stand up in front of all our family and friends, whichever ones can fit our wedding into their busy schedule, of course, and declare to the world that you are my wife and I am your husband. Is that scary? Yes, of course. But in a good way. You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”
“No! God no. Are you kidding? I love you. I love you more than I have words to say. I love you so much.”
“Good. I feel the same way. Look, don’t let the wedding freak you out, okay? It’s like going down to L.A. to read for the movie last summer, remember? You were feeling anxious and intimidated so we reframed it. We put it in a different context. And what happened?”
“It became less scary.”
“Why?”
“Because it was just us going down to meet some of your friends to talk about a project.”
“And how did it go?”
“Um, it went well.”
“Yeah, I’d say it went better than well. Remember how impressed they were with you?”
“I remember.”
“So our wedding is very much like that. It’s not this huge production with tons of preparation and hours and hours of work to do. It’s a celebration. A celebration and a party with an amazing dinner and all of our friends and family, again, the ones who can fit us in, and it’s a chance to declare our love for one another. And that’s not scary. That feels really good to me.”
“It feels really good to me, too.” And it does.
“Great.”
“So, we need to get a ring for you, too.”
“That’s true. You want to pick it out?”
“Really? Can I?”
“Of course. I picked out your ring. You pick out mine.”
“What if you don’t like it?”
“How could I not like it?”
“Maybe it’s not your taste or something. What if I get you a gold band but you wanted platinum so you take it back and exchange it for something else? That’s what Denise did.”
“Really? Denise did that? Why?”
“Her ex got her a gold band with a really nice trio of diamonds that looked like three roses but she thought it was too small. Plus she wanted platinum. So they took it back and she picked out the ring she wanted which was double the price.”
“And where is it now?”
“I’m not sure. She’s joked about selling it and using the money to take a cruise, but I can never tell if she’s serious.”
“Didn’t she give it back to the guy?”
“No. She said his infidelity was a sin without measure and the violation of her trust carried a price greater than any ring.”
“What happened with that, anyway? Why did he stray?”
“I don’t know. She told me that he told
her that it was because she was working all the time and she was married to her career and that lawyering was more important than her husband and over the course of about two years they grew apart.”
“Did he remarry?”
“Yeah, to the woman he cheated with. He met her in his Bikram yoga class. I guess they liked getting really sweaty together. She’s a kindergarten teacher. They have two kids now.”
“Does Denise want kids?”
“Not right now. She says maybe in five or ten years.”
“Does Mark know that?”
“I don’t know. Whatever. It’s their business.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Do you want kids?”
“Of course. I’m pretty sure. I mean, I think so. It’s not something I’ve spent that much time thinking about. But, yes, I always assumed that someday I would get married and have children. I’d love to have your children. I know that much.” The thought of Kellan knocking me up, the actual act, and then us holding our baby together tickles my heart and my delicate lady parts equally.
“And I’d love for you to have my children, and to have children with you,” Kellan says. “That would be a nonstop party, that’s for sure. Kids are a hoot. Imagine two or three or four or ten little versions of us running around all over the house. How great would that be? My sister has two kids. Two little girls, five and two, with a third on their way. They’re really something.”
“We should go visit them. I’d love to meet them.”
“We could do that.”
My phone pings.
“Oh, Lord, it’s not Hamburger Wellington again, is it?”
“No, it’s Denise. She wants to know when I can come over so we can start planning the wedding.”
“Funny.”
“So, what kind of wedding dress should I get?”
“Whatever kind of wedding dress you like. Something elegant and classy but sexy. Something that shows off your boobs, so I can look at your cleavage while we’re saying our vows.”
“Would you like that?”
“I would love that.”
“Would you like it if I had my toy on under my dress, so that night on our honeymoon I could bend you over and take you as my husband?”
“I would love that.” Kellan shifts in his seat. “God, you’re turning me on. I’m getting hard.”
I lean over, unbutton Kellan’s jeans, pull his long, thick, and getting-thicker penis out of his boxers and begin sucking it.
Kellan keeps driving.
I don’t hear any trucks, so hopefully no one can see what I’m doing and it simply looks as though Kellan is in the car by himself. But I can’t see and I want to make him come so I don’t really care.
I suck him nice and hard, stroking him at the same time with my hand, squeezing and pulling on the shaft each time I come up.
Kellan keeps saying I’m going to make him come.
“So come.”
“In your mouth?”
“Of course. We’re going to be married, right? A wife should revel in her husband’s semen.”
“That’s a valiant and loving sentiment but are you sure it doesn’t taste like Clorox, like what Denise said about Mark?”
“When did she say that?”
“Five months ago, at her Halloween party. Remember? We went into the bathroom and got it on because we were so turned on by our Conan the Barbarian costumes and when we came out of the bathroom Denise cornered us and asked us where we’d been and she said you had semen breath and it smelled like pineapple and cinnamon and then she said Mark’s tasted like Clorox. I believe the words she used were ‘goddamn Clorox’.”
“Wow. You have a really good memory.”
Kellan grins.
“In that case, they should put their heads together to find a solution.”
“Right. Change his diet, take supplements, start eating buttloads of pineapple and cinnamon. See if that helps. I read a long time ago that drinking milk makes it more alkaline and makes it taste more bleachy.”
“You don’t really even drink milk.”
“I know.”
“I wonder if Mark does.”
“I did see a gallon of milk in Denise’s fridge that night.”
I resume fellating my fiancée.
Kellan comes in my mouth. It’s hot and sweet and tangy. And a little bitter. I swallow all of it.
Chapter 9
KELLAN TAKES ME to Monterey for my birthday, just the way we’d planned.
We roll in to the same beachfront hotel in Kellan’s green Huracan. The same valet is there. Kellan gives him a hundred bucks to take care of the car. The valet assures us that he will do so.
Our suite is gorgeous and has an ocean view that is amazing. We deposit our bags and food and stuff in the room and then drive around the peninsula to the aquarium.
We’re strolling through the massive undersea exhibit and I know I should be enjoying myself but I’m not. We’re here for my birthday, I have the man of my dreams all to myself, we have a lavish hotel suite in which we can make love all weekend…
I should be thrilled.
But I’m not.
And I don’t know why.
I’m moody and sullen and quiet and I answer Kellan’s questions with adolescent one-syllable answers.
I’m not even on my period.
Kellan, God bless him, does his best to be understanding. He offers to buy me some of everything we see: food, drinks, coffee, sweets…
But I’m testy and pissy and refuse everything.
“Do you want to go home?” Kellan asks.
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like….” I struggle to put my finger on it, to identify what’s bugging me.
And then it hits me: “I feel like we should be training. I just know Calista is down in Redondo carrying elephants up and down the stairs on her back, making her sexy, perfect, iconic legs even sexier and more perfect and more iconic. And I’m wandering around an aquarium ogling fish and salivating over ice cream and waffle cones I don’t actually even want.”
“I know. I’ve been there. Forcing yourself to relax or to take time off when you don’t really want to can be frustrating. Okay. Let’s go back to the room and we’ll go do some drills on the beach.”
“Like we did with the SEALs?”
“Not exactly. We’ll do some M-one-hundreds.”
“What’re those?”
“You pick an exercise and do a hundred reps of it as fast as you can, kinda like what they do in CrossFit. A hundred push-ups, a hundred burpees, a hundred squats, a hundred lunges…”
“A hundred lunges?”
“Sure. How do you think I got my legs and butt so big? By training high volume. You have to be careful of your joints and connective tissue, but M-one-hundreds are a great way to mix things up, to shock the muscle and make it grow.”
“Why are they called M-one-hundreds?”
“The name comes from fireworks. M-eighties, M-one-hundreds, M-one-thousands. We used to play with them on the Fourth of July when we were kids.”
“So, is it a hundred lunges total? Because that would be fifty per leg.”
“No, it’s a hundred per leg.”
“Sounds hard.”
“Of course it’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. If being in shape and looking like you’re in shape and having a hot, sexy body were easy, everyone would do it. But they don’t.”
We continue talking as we drive back to the hotel and change our clothes. Before we head down to the beach, Kellan says, “Oh, wait. I have something for you. A birthday present.”
He removes a package from his duffel bag. It’s neatly wrapped in shiny green wrapping paper and has a gold ribbon.
“Did you wrap this?”
“Of course.”
I open it.
Inside are tw
o black tee shirts. I hold one of them up and read the green writing on the back, “ ‘When I Feel Like Giving Up, I Remember All The People I Have to Prove Wrong.’ ” Yes. “I love it. Thank you.” I give Kellan a big hug and a kiss and put on one of the new shirts.
“Does it fit? Did I get the size correct?”
“It’s perfect. I love it.” I feel galvanized.
“Success is the best revenge. And it makes your breasts look amazing.”
Kellan stands behind me and presses himself against my rear end. He reaches around and begins caressing my breasts through the black tee shirt. I feel his erection through his training shorts pressing against my buttocks.
“Okay, let’s go…” I say. “We can do this later. If we do it now, we won’t work out. And that’s what we’re here to do.”
Kellan kisses and bites the back of my neck. “Are you sure?”
Chills spread up and down my body. I could so let him screw my brains out right here, right now, standing up in front of the mirror.
But we have to train.
I have to beat Calista.
This new tee shirt reminds me of that.
“Later, when we can relax. Unless we’re writhing around in the bed in agony.”
“Don’t worry, that part comes tomorrow and the next day. Domes.”
“Domes?”
“Yeah, remember? D-O-M-S. I told you about it at Iron Palace. It stands for Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. It usually comes on twelve hours after a workout and peaks at around thirty-six to forty-eight hours. But as you now know, sometimes it comes on sooner than that, which means it’s going to hurt even more. Which is what we want.”
“We do?”
“Absolutely. No pain no gain. Unless it’s bad pain. Like joint pain. Then you have to stop. Or if it’s pain from a muscle pull. Then you also have to stop. But as long as it’s only a good muscle burn from the lactic acid build up, you’re fine. Keep going.”
All the while, as Kellan is teaching me about DOMS, he’s preparing our cute little water pipe Roger and Hera sent us. He hands it to me and I get the first hit.
“Not too much,” he says. “We don’t want to become complete stoners. Just a little to lower blood pressure and to help us focus.”
By the time we’re downstairs, trudging through the dry sand toward the water, I’m high. But I feel great. The moodiness I felt at the aquarium is gone. I’m focused. And a tiny bit angry. I’m not certain why I’m angry, but the words on the back of my new tee shirt have injected a fire and hunger into me. Or focused that which was already present.
