by Nelson, Dara
I did my best to help him enjoy the trip back. In the late afternoon on the first day, I went below to heat up dinner for us. I drank mine then took off all my clothes, crept back up top, sat on the couch behind him, laid his two pints on my stomach then said, “Hungry, honey?” He killed the engine and was on me in less than a second. The next night it was dinner in bed. The next evening, I strolled out onto the bow in my tiny bikini and lay down to ‘sunbathe.’ I wasn’t alone out there, or in my bikini, for long. By the time we pulled into the port in Miami, Matt was the only man on my mind, most of the time. I didn’t miss Carlos too much, which I was glad for, but it was hard to not contact him, just to see how he was doing. I kept having to tell myself, ‘Give it time, Sarah, we both need that.’
I felt the stress begin to creep back into Matt on the flight to Peru. He had a huge amount of work to deal with when he got back. He had to find a replacement for Ramon – his security assistant who had betrayed us to Malina and almost gotten us killed, for one thing. He had to deal with those who had abandoned us when Malina fell – a dozen or so of our team had left us. Malina was one of the remaining evil Elders who hadn’t been killed when we first fought them off and broke their hold over all vampires, and who it turns out had a revenge streak a mile wide. She tried to take back what we had taken from her, first by kidnapping Matt and then by coming after me. But she had failed – most notably when she and I fought – and I tore her head off. Ramon had disappeared when the fighting broke out but he was young and a follower who now had no leader, so we weren’t worried about him.
I also had an idea forming in my mind of something I wanted to try when I got back, but I had to get the approval from the other cabinet members first. If they agreed, it would keep me very busy too.
On the ride from the airport, I snuggled into Matt in the back seat. “I’m sorry” I said.
“For what?” he said.
“For hurting you.”
I felt him cringe next to me; he clearly did not want to talk about any of this. “Sarah, please don’t. Not now,” he whispered.
“I won’t,” I said. “I just had to say I’m sorry, and don’t you dare say it’s okay, because it’s not. It’s not okay, it never was okay, but I’m doing everything I can to make it right.”
He kissed my forehead. “I know.”
The car pulled up to the gate and we walked through the courtyard in the moonlight. I glanced in the back corner, realizing that even though it had only been a few years, it seemed like a lifetime ago that we had stood over there and gotten married. Nobody had been trying to kill us then (or so we thought), the friendship line between me and Carlos wasn’t completely blurred back then, I never thought I’d face a devastating loss again (even though it turned out to be fake, that Matt really didn’t die, it didn’t lessen the pain that I felt at the time that I thought he was dead. After losing my first husband, Rob and my 4-year-old son, Scottie, in a car accident that happened when they were on a fishing trip and then seeing what I thought was Matt’s death on a DVD (that turned out to be fake), well, it just brought back all of the pain, heartbreak and loss that I’d ever felt and it was too much for me to handle; my body shut down, I went into a stupor, a coma. And Carlos had stayed with me the entire month that I was in it, taking care of me, playing nursemaid), we never thought we’d face death, we never thought we’d be forced to be apart. It was only three years ago and how I desperately wished we could go back to how we were then. But, then the Elders would still be here, Malina would still be here, vampires worldwide would still be sad, lonely and afraid. As hard as things are right now for Matt and me and Carlos, I can’t have any regrets. I have to learn from this, grow from it, use it to make everything better. I have to, or it will all have been for nothing. I also knew that in order for both of us to get over it, we’d eventually have to talk about it. Something he’d probably fight tooth and nail. I thought tonight was not the night for that. But I was wrong.
I moved closer to Matt and wrapped my arms around him as we walked down the hall. I was devastated. I should be relaxed, happy and hopeful now. Instead, I was worried, scared and doubtful. It crushed me. “Are we going to be okay?” I whispered. His step hesitated, but he continued forward the final few steps to our room without responding. His silence just about killed me. We got inside the door and I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Matt?” I choked out. He dropped the bags, hanging his head with his back to me, hesitating. “Oh God,” I groaned, sinking down to the floor with my back against the door.
Suddenly he was there with his hands on either side of my face. “Don’t,” he gasped. “I had to think about my answer, that’s all.” I tried to nod but didn’t bother to try to stop the sobs that were pouring from my chest. “You asked if we’re going to be okay. That’s up to you, Sarah. I have no intention of going anywhere. I’m here forever, unless you tell me to go. But it’s entirely up to you to decide if we’re going to be okay. I don’t know what’s in your heart, honey. Only you know that.” He turned and sat next to me, taking my hand in his. I leaned over and put my head on his lap. He began caressing my hair.
“I kissed him, Matt,” I said, and I felt the slight hesitation in his hand, before it moved again.
“I know,” he said.
“I kissed him and I wanted to do more, a lot more.”
“I know,” he whispered.
I turned and looked up at him. “But why do you still want to be with me? Why don’t you hate me?”
“Sarah, I can’t hate you for what happened. You didn’t kiss him before you thought I was dead, did you?” I shook my head as he continued, “You didn’t want him before you thought I was dead. I mean, first she made me sleep with her. That had to have hurt you Sarah, even a little, even though you saw on the DVD that I was starving, strapped to a table and didn’t have any choice. And, of course, my kidnapping and quote, unquote, death had a profound effect on you. I knew it would. Malina knew it would. She knew your past history. She knew that having you lose another person that you loved would send you over the edge. Quite honestly, I knew that the only way you’d survive it would be for you to cling to someone else and I also knew that the only one close enough, strong enough and loving enough for that to happen was Carlos. You two are so much more alike than you and I. You both have such compassion and a huge zest for life. It scares me, but you’d really be perfect together. But I think what took all three of us by surprise is, the feelings that you developed for him in order to survive this whole ordeal, when those feelings didn’t go away after you two found out I was alive. Your feelings for me didn’t diminish, I know that, I’ve always felt that from you, but neither did your feelings for him, or his for you. That’s where we sit right now. Only you can know what’s in your heart, only you can figure out what it is that you truly want and only you can know if we’re going to be okay.”
“But it’s you that I want,” I whispered.
He leaned down and kissed my temple. “It’s easy for you to think that now, honey, because he’s not here. You won’t know the answer to that for sure until after he comes back.”
“But I want that to be the answer,” I sobbed.
“I know you do sweetheart, and so do I, believe me, so do I.”
We stayed there the rest of the night, my head in his lap, his hand caressing my hair, his head leaning back against the door. Finally, after the sun was streaming through the windows on the other side of the room, he leaned down and kissed my cheek. “We really should go to work, honey,” he said.
I nodded my head. “I know,” I said, “but will you do something for me first?”
“What’s that?” he said.
I turned and looked at him. “Will you make love to me first? Please?”
He smiled at me. “That is a question where the answer will always be yes,” he said. He leaned down, placed his lips on mine, scooped me into his arms and carried me to the bedroom.
Chapter Three
We were showered and ready
by nine a.m. We walked together to the kitchen to grab breakfast and then Matt dropped me at my office. “Good morning Missy,” he said to my assistant, as he kept his eyes locked on me.
“Good morning Matthew,” she said from her desk.
Matt leaned in and tenderly kissed me. “I love you so much,” I said when he finally stopped.
“And I love you,” he said. “I’ll see you in a little while.”
I nodded and forced myself to not cling to him as he turned to leave. As I walked into my office I said to Missy, “I need to see Billy and Bahiti as soon as possible.” Billy was my vice president, Bahiti was my finance minister. I had, surprising to me, been voted in as President after we had forcibly removed the Elders from power after figuring out how corrupt they were. I sat down and then noticed that Missy was hovering near the door. “Yes Missy?” I said.
“Um, I, um, well,” she mumbled as she fidgeted.
I motioned to the chair across from me. “Missy, please sit and tell me. It’s okay.”
She hesitated then moved quickly to the chair. “It’s just that, um, well, I’m sooo sorry about Ramon and I swear I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t. But I would totally understand if you want to find another assistant.” She looked down at her hands, waiting for my response. For a moment I didn’t know what she was talking about and then it dawned on me – she and Ramon had been dating when all of this Malina crap had gone down.
“Missy,” I said, “I know you didn’t know and there isn’t anybody who could measure up to you, so why would I bother?”
“Really?” she said. I watched the relief flood into her. “Thank you, Sarah. Thank you so much.”
We stared at each of for a few seconds. “Well?”
“Well, what?” she said.
“Bahiti and Billy?” I said.
She jumped out of her chair. “Oh, yes, I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ll get them right away.”
They were in my office fifteen minutes later. “I have an idea that I wanted to run by you two,” I said.
“Sure, Sarah, go ahead,” Billy said.
“I’d like to open up our medical facilities to the villagers.”
“Excuse me?” Billy said. Bahiti just watched and listened.
“Well, think about it. We have a state of the art medical facility for a bunch of vampires who rarely need it. We have top notch doctors, who rotate between here and human hospitals and who were all excellent doctors for humans before they were turned. Right now, if one of the villagers has an emergency, it’s a two hour flight to the nearest mediocre hospital, and that’s if they can stay alive until the plane gets here. The kids need immunizations, the adults need routine care. We have the staff, we have the equipment, we have the money, we have the time, why can’t we?” I said.
They both stared at me. “I think it’s an excellent idea,” Bahiti said.
“Well, of course it’s an excellent idea, but how do we keep it from getting out of control?” Billy asked. “How do we keep the word from getting out, from spreading to the next village and the next, and so on?”
“So, let it,” I said. “It can only go so far before it doesn’t make sense for them to come here because they’re too far away.”
“I suppose you’re right, Sarah. But just to be safe, can we do it on a trial basis, reserving the right to shut it down if it becomes too much?” Billy said.
“I can live with that,” I said as a huge grin broke out on my face.
“Okay, Sarah,” Billy said, “this is your baby, run with it. Just keep us informed regularly, okay?”
“Of course I will,” I said, trying desperately to contain my excitement. I saw them out then turned to Missy, “I’m going to be in the medical wing the rest of the day, if Matt comes by, will you please let him know?”
As I rushed out the door, Missy said, “Okay, but is everything alright Sarah?”
“Everything’s great,” I called over my shoulder. “Better than great.”
I forced myself to slow down before entering the clinic. As I walked in, Dr. David Graham looked up. “David,” I said, “just the person I wanted to see.”
“Hello, Sarah, what can I do for you?” he said.
“I have a proposition for you,” I said. “Do you have a little time?”
“Of course,” he smiled, “it’s not like I have a lot to do around here. Please, have a seat.”
As I sat I said, “Actually, what I want to talk to you about has to do with bringing you more work.”
“Why?” he said. “Do you know of a bunch of injured vampires?”
“Not vampires,” I said, “humans. I want to have our facilities available to the villagers.”
We spent the next few hours discussing it, and going over the changes we’d have to make – available blood, plasma, drugs and anesthetics, X-ray machines, plaster for casts, surgical instruments. We made calls to the other two doctors who rotated in the clinic with David: Cameron and Andy. They were both as enthusiastic as we were. “I don’t have a medical background, but I’d like to help as much as I can,” I said.
“Oh, absolutely,” David said.
“How soon do you think we can be ready?” I said.
“Well, if I order the equipment within the next two days, and we work really hard, I’m thinking four weeks, six tops.”
And work we did, tirelessly, over the next five weeks. We added exam rooms, installed new equipment, bought a computer system for patient records, and built a waiting room. We were exhausted, yet I felt energized, rejuvenated. I was doing something good, something that would help people. We had nothing to fight, but everything to fight for. This meant something, it was important. I noticed the change in me almost immediately. I felt happier, more alive, than I had in months. I had a purpose, something other than trying to stay alive. I noticed it, and so did Matt. It rekindled what had been bogged down in all the muck of the last year and a half. Buried under the stress, the anger, the fear, the pain, the confusion. Our love for each other threatened to overwhelm my heart again, and that thrilled me to no end.
We took long midnight strolls in the woods, we laughed, we talked, we found out things about each other than we hadn’t had time to find out before. And we made love endlessly. Whenever we had time, and sometimes even when we didn’t. It excited him every time that I linked to him and thought to him, ‘I’ve got ten minutes, meet me in our room?’ He usually never bothered to answer with anything but a growl, which excited the hell out of me. I barely ever thought of Carlos, and I never reached out to talk to him. He needed time and I did too. I missed him terribly, but I wanted to be sure I was missing him for the right reasons. I wanted to miss my best friend, the one who could always make me smile, always make me laugh, and that would take a little more time, for both of us.
The day before the clinic opened, I asked Matt to join me on a walk through the village. We put up fliers and talked to a lot of people. They were all really excited about having the clinic, but not nearly as excited as I was about running it. And as excited as I was, I had no idea how much of an impact it would have on my life.
I was in the clinic at seven the next morning, and so was everyone else, even though the doors weren’t supposed to open until eight. We had two doctors on duty, David and Cameron, along with four nurses and Missy’s best friend Tanya at the front desk. A few people arrived early, including a young mother, Carmela, with her two small children. Her three-year-old boy was due for immunizations and a check-up, but she didn’t have a babysitter, so she had to bring her four-month-old baby girl with her. I was talking to her when her son tugged on my dress. I bent down to him, and he pointed to the toys. “Do you want to play with the toys?” I asked. He nodded and then put his hand in mine, dragging me over to the play area with him. My heart sputtered for a second – the last small hand I had held was my son’s– but then he looked up at me with his big, beautiful, brown eyes and smiled. And I couldn’t help but smile back. He pulled on my arm and I knew he wanted me d
own on the carpet next to him. I sat down crossed-legged as he pointed to the blocks. I handed some to him and he and I started building, laughing and playing. His mom came and sat in the chairs next to us, smiling, as she rocked her little one, who had started to fuss. Monica came in then and told her that the doctor was ready to see Juan. Her little girl was really fussing now.
She looked at me. “Would you mind holding Sophia while I take Juan inside? I don’t want her crying to upset him.”
I looked at her for half a second then stood up. “I’d be happy to,” I said and I held my arms out. I put Sophia’s head on my shoulder and began rocking back and forth and bouncing on my knees, just like I used to do for Scotty, but hadn’t done since. I quietly hummed to her, and it wasn’t long before her fussing stopped. I sat down in the chair and placed her on my legs. She stared at me and began cooing, and then she smiled. It started to dawn on me that room around me was completely silent. I looked up and saw that every face in the room was staring at me. Tanya, Cameron, Lisa, Sandy… and Matt. I smiled at him, “Come meet my friend, Sophia,” I said. As he walked over I asked, “Why is everyone staring at me?”
Matt looked at the others and said, “I think we’re all in awe right now, this little one was fussing like there’s no tomorrow, and in the space of about thirty seconds you had her smiling. We could all feel how natural this was for you, how perfect you are at it.” They all nodded and I blushed. Matt was standing in front of me, so I cradled the baby in my arms and stood so I could lean into him. He stuck his pinky out so she could grab onto it. When she did, he beamed. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” he whispered. I nodded but couldn’t speak.
I suddenly had an image in my head that couldn’t possibly happen – an image of us as a family, of Matt and me as parents, raising a child together. That might have been an option before I was changed, but not anymore, was it? Of course it wasn’t. Vampires can’t have children – and they sure don’t live in an environment where they can raise them if they adopt. But it sure felt nice right now. If only for a few minutes, it felt so right to feel like a family. I leaned up and kissed Matt on the cheek. He smiled at me and pressed his head against mine, all the while keeping his eyes on Sophia, who was now smiling at him and cooing. Suddenly Juan appeared from around the corner, followed closely by Carmela. Juan was carrying a sucker and looking at the Band-Aid on his arm. I could see tears in his eyes.
