“I used to be a runner, back in the day before the dead.” She shrugs like it’s nothing, “Like, an actual runner. All-state champion and headed to the Olympics.” She smiles proudly and I wait for the inevitable sadness to creep across her face as she thinks about her past, but it never comes. “So what happened? I saw you get dragged out of the mess hall.”
I look up, my gaze meeting hers. She is pretty: golden brown skin, dark brown hair, and her face still holds some form of happiness. Some form of hope. What can I tell her? He hadn’t said our conversation was private, but I’m also not stupid enough to believe I can start blabbing my mouth to everyone about our little chitchat, either. But I had agreed to do it. Through coercion, of course, but agreement no less.
That means several things: One, my life is about to change, again—and I have already expressed how much I hate change. And two, I need at least one person on my side.
So I opt for honesty—or at least a version of it.
“Come with me,” I say, standing up and walking to the door.
She follows me without question, her expression curious. I shut the door once we are both outside so that our words are more private. I look down to my feet to keep the lie from my face.
“They have things happening in the next few months that should make this place more secure, and they’re worried everyone will panic. They want me to help keep everyone calm.”
“Calm? In the middle of the shit that’s gone down the past few months? Calm’s going to be tricky.” I can hear the laughter in her voice.
“I know.” I look back up to her. “Do you trust him? The colonel?”
Tesrin shrugs noncommittally and I wonder if I misheard the threat in his words yesterday. Maybe he hadn’t meant it to sound like it had come across.
“He’s kept us all safe so far.” She leans back against the railing, moving closer to me than I really like. “Why? Should I not trust him? Do you think he’s going to do right by everyone?”
She peers into my face with an unselfishness that I haven’t experienced in months. The way things work these days is that you look out for number one and number one only. Yet Tesrin is showing what seems like genuine concern for whatever is troubling me, and for the people that will be affected by whatever the colonel has planned.
“I have no idea.” I move away from her, finding her proximity stifling. “I think so, though. I mean, why else would he be helping everyone, if not to keep us safe?”
The words taste bitter in my mouth. I understand to some extent what he was saying, though. If everyone knew that there was no government left, it would be total anarchy. People would panic. They would flounder for control. And there is no doubt in my mind that the civilians would lose—against the colonel and against the undead.
Tesrin shrugs. “Probably for the big fat promotion he’ll get after all this mess is finally over.” She grins.
I try to grin back, but nothing will come.
No smile.
No frown.
Nothing but the queasy feeling in my stomach.
This mess is never going to be over.
But I have to lead these people to believe that it will.
“What’s it like…out there?” I ask cautiously.
She holds my gaze steady for a moment, and just as I begin to feel uncomfortable, she releases me before checking all around us. She looks down into the courtyard below us, watching as two guards walked past, smoking cigarettes.
“Truthfully, it’s a mess.” Her pretense at acceptance and hope is gone and replaced with the undeniable truth that, just like me, she has a feeling that this isn’t going to end anytime soon. Selfishly, it makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone in this knowledge.
“The drops are getting more sporadic and less useful, as if things aren’t being handled as well as we first thought. If you know what I mean.” She shrugs and I nod.
I do know what she means. All too well, thanks to Colonel Smith, and it seems that Tesrin gets it now too.
“The colonel told me something.” My chest feels heavy, as if the burden of his information is a living, breathing thing that I need to set free. “It’s about the government.”
I watch for her response, wondering if she is going to freak out or not. But I have to take a chance on her; I need help if I’m going to do this—if for nothing more than my own sanity. Tesrin’s expression never changes, so I press on with my not-so-cheery news.
“It’s gone. All of it.” I swallow, the words leaving a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.
A small frown puckers between her eyes, but other than that nothing changes.
“Did you hear me?” I whisper. “It’s all gone. There aren’t going to be any more drops now. There is no more help. This is it.” I gesture around us to press my point.
I thought that telling my secret would make me feel better somehow, but it doesn’t; it makes me feel worse. Because saying the words out loud has made it all real. But I can’t freak out because the colonel told me I have to keep people calm. And if I’m going to keep everyone calm, I have to be calm myself.
I have to, or he’ll do something bad to them.
“It’s going to be okay.”
I open my eyes and look at Tesrin. “Is it?” I ask.
“It is. It has to be. Like you said, this is it now, this is all we’ve got and we need to make it work. No matter what.” She smiles at me and I stare at her in awe, wondering how the hell she can be so calm about everything.
Colonel Smith has clearly picked the wrong woman for the job.
Tesrin leans over and places a hand on my shoulder, and I fight the urge to shrug her hand away. I need a friend right now, more than anything else…I need a friend. I need someone to share the burden with and someone to help me so I don’t screw the whole thing up.
“Okay, I’m okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” I nod, and she nods in agreement. “Will you help me?”
It’s a shitty thing to do—to ask her to share in my responsibility—but whatever. I’m weak and pathetic; call me an asshole and be done with it. Either way, I can’t do it on my own and I don’t want to. Plus I’m seriously not a very likeable person. Tesrin, on the other hand, is. I figure we can play good cop/bad cop.
“I will.” She leans over, wraps her arms around my shoulders, and pulls me in for a hug.
I resist, fiercely, but she still doesn’t let go until she’s good and ready.
I have a feeling I’m going to like her.
*
In my dreams I still see him—Ben. His wide smile. His deep blue eyes. The warmth of his hand in mine, his breath on my neck…
But those dreams are always shattered by the sound of his screams. Of the blood spilling from his lips. Of the feeling of the truck going over his head and the crunch of his skull under the tire…
I sit upright with a gasp, my hand automatically going to my chest as I pant in and out, in and out. The room is dark. The sound of people sleeping all around me. It’s peaceful, or it should be. But Ben’s screams still echo in my head. I push myself off the filthy mattress and stand on shaky legs, making my way slowly to the door and pushing it open.
Air. I need air.
The room is stifling and clammy, the oxygen not seeming to make it down my throat and into my lungs. I stumble out of the room, the air instantly cooling my skin, but it still doesn’t feel like enough. I still need more, so I let the door fall shut behind me and take a couple of steps forward into the darkness, further away from my housing.
The air is thick and unmoving, and even from this distance, the stench of the pigs hangs in the air. I turn, walking in the opposite direction, away from the grunts of them and toward the back end of the complex.
I follow my own path by the light of the moon, avoiding the guards like the damned plague whenever I hear them getting close. Civilians are not permitted out of their rooms at night in case they are mistaken for deaders. I get that, I understand it, but right now I don’t care.
I just need space and air and the illusion of choice and freewill.
Even though I know it’s all a lie.
At the far end of the complex, I find myself a dark corner behind one of the smaller tents. I’m pretty sure it holds the belongings of most of the civilians—things they’d had with them when they first arrived. Everyone was forced to hand over anything that might be useful for making this place successful. Or at least that’s what they had told us at the time.
Things are becoming clearer now.
We aren’t free; we are so very far from it. And it seems that we might never be free again. If the government has fallen, that means no help was coming, that this is truly it. So far the complex had been run with the belief that things would eventually get better, that it was temporary, but that isn’t true anymore.
The sinking feeling in my stomach gets worse.
It will only end one way, and for the civilians, that will be badly.
I pull my knees up to my chest and suck in slow breaths. I have to pull myself together. I fucking have to. I can’t be the selfish woman that I’ve been for the past year. I have to help these people.
I have no real idea what the colonel will do to anyone who doesn’t behave the way he wants, but I don’t see anything good coming from it. Because I believed him when he said that no one was going to take this place from him. And really, how could we? He has the manpower, the guns, the lock and key to the damned kingdom.
I drag my hands through my hair, my breathing finally slowing down to a more normal pace, and I look up at the moon.
It’s the same moon that had shone down on me all those months ago. The same moon that Ben and I had looked up at on our honeymoon so many years ago. And it’s the same moon that will be there at the end.
Tears slip free from my eyes. The moon is a constant in my life, no matter what happens. It’s there, and it will continue to be there, long after I’m gone.
Chapter Fifteen.
One month later…
“I’m off out on a ration run.” Tesrin kicks the side of my bed and flashes me a smile.
“Bring me back a Twinkie,” I bite out and yawn.
It’s early, the sun barely up, but the days start earlier now than ever before. I swing my legs over the side of my bed and stretch.
“Now now, I thought you were on a diet,” she laughs.
I look over my shoulder at her and grin. Somewhere along the line we had exchanged stories, pasts, futures, and a friendship had been born. It isn’t one I feel completely comfortable with having, if I’m honest. I would much rather have sunk to the bottom of a bottle of despair and faded away, but since Operation Keep the Crazy Civilians Calm has taken effect, we have bonded regardless.
She is way better at the whole people person thing than I am, and yet I can fight our corner if I need to. We are a perfect team. Mainly because, no matter what, our end goal is the same: keep everyone safe. I don’t know exactly when that happened—when my goal went from keeping myself alive and living day to day to actually trying to keep other people alive—but it has. Somehow I have found my way back from the darkness that had begun to envelop my soul.
She pats my shoulder and I grab her hand. “Be safe,” I say.
“I always am.” She smiles and I release her hand, letting her go.
I slip on my boots, smiling fondly at them before standing up and leaving the room.
Most people are starting to wake up now; only those that had been on night duty still sleep. Things have been slowly evolving around the compound. The colonel, while still a total asshole, isn’t as big an asshole as he’d first seemed. Sure, he wants it known that he is in charge and that no one can take that position from him. Who can blame him? He’s king of the complex. But forgetting that, for the most part he is fair with us all.
I have helped to drip-feed information to the other civilians over the course of the past month, and we are finally at the point where they know things have gotten really bad outside and that things are not going to be over anytime soon. But they are dealing with it.
I made a deal with Colonel Smith in week one to let the civilians join in building the place up with more than just counting duties and cleaning out the pig sties—though he wouldn’t fully let us get out of that. It seems I’m a better negotiator than I’ve given myself credit for, because though we aren’t on the same level as the soldiers, I have definitely gotten us on more of an even footing. We aren’t just sitting around waiting to die or waiting to be saved anymore; we are contributing to our new society, and truthfully, people are happier for it. Their confidence in me continues to grow, as do their responsibilities, and with it, my own confidence in my abilities, because so far I haven’t fucked anything up.
The colonel and his big bad army have embraced the apocalypse and all of its horrors with arms wide open, and they have let the rest of us join in. It’s an easier pill to swallow than the one previously, that’s for sure.
I take the steps one at a time, in no rush to get to this morning’s briefing with the colonel and the other section leaders. He wants more civilians to head out on patrol and scavenger runs, where I think that we aren’t experienced enough.
It feels, at least some of the time, that the civilians here are expendable to the colonel. And yet at other times it doesn’t. I’m still learning to read him properly. The only thing I’m certain of is that I don’t yet trust him completely.
I walk across the square, already seeing people getting to work on the walls. They are higher now, and much stronger than previously. The structural engineer is brilliant at his job; no one can fault him.
The walls are high enough now that they serve as real watchtowers. Where soldiers used to have to stand just outside the gates to keep watch for the deaders, now they get to do it from the safety of the top of the wall. Which is also good, because it means we have civilians on duty as well now. It’s another trust issue resolved, having some of the civilians on guard with the soldiers at all times, and it keeps everyone happier. And I’m all about keeping people happy these days. The dark and bitter me has slid away, leaving behind a woman I hardly recognize, but one I know Ben would have been proud of.
I push open the metal door and step inside the dim meeting room. I’m not the last to arrive, and that’s good. Punctuality has never been my strong point, yet these days I hate to be late for anything. It always felt like I had missed out on some important discussion. And I hate to miss out on anything. I’m the eyes and ears of the people now, and Tesrin refuses to let me take that responsibility lightly.
I take a seat next to Carter, one of the patrols from last night. He is tired, with deep black rings under his eyes, but he never misses any of the meetings either. His name also isn’t Carter; that is his surname. Everyone but civilians gets called by their surname. I don’t really know why, or care to understand it, I just go along with it.
“Mornin’.” He nods his head at me.
“You look like you could use some coffee,” I reply and he smiles.
“Sure could. And a plate of eggs and bacon would be good also. It’s unlikely I’ll be getting either of those things, though.” He winks and I grin.
Carter had been one of the soldiers on duty the day I had arrived. He had seen me at my darkest, and I’m glad that he was getting to see me half fixed. I had been a wreck back then—nothing and no one could get through to me; but somehow I had made it out the other side of that darkness, and now here I am. If I had a friend other than Tesrin in this place, it would be Carter.
Colonel Smith arrives and comes around to sit at the head of the table. His movements are always brisk and purposeful. I have a feeling that every thought is calculated and motivated by keeping himself in his current top dog position.
He makes his way around to each section leader, gathering information for the day ahead and the previous day. Things are always busy around here. Something always happening. And sometimes I find it hard to keep up with it all, bu
t at least I’m confident that the colonel is always up to speed on things.
The colonel scribbles some notes down and then looks up before fixing his gaze on one of the men across the table from me. “Sanders. What’s the report back from the new food storage?”
I look over at Sanders, a slender, balding man with a larger-than-average top lip that makes him permanently look like he has been punched in the face. I watch as he checks his notes from a sheet in front of him. “Looking good for completion by the end of the week, sir.”
Along with the walls, the structural engineer has also helped us set up new homes for a lot of people, but his main job is food and weapon storage. Our current ones are barely standing, and since guns and food are what we needed to survive, they, along with the walls, are top priority.
“Daniels, what’s the fuel situation like now? I know last week’s scavenge brought in supplies. Do we have enough to get us through the winter?”
“No, sir. Maybe the first two months, but we still need more. I’m heading out today to check on some new intel. Apparently there’s a location just west of here that might still hold supplies.”
The colonel nods. “Take two of our men and two civilians with you. Get going now. I expect you back by sundown, soldier. Fuel is of the highest priority as of today.”
“Sir, yes sir.” Daniels stands up, salutes, and leaves, and I roll my eyes at his retreating back.
“Masterson, how is Operation Clear All going?” Colonel Smith asks without looking up, his pen scribbling notes across his piece of faded yellow paper.
“Sir, it’s coming along great. We’ve got a lot of the surrounding area cleared and the lookouts are saying that it’s making their job a lot easier. Sir, if I may?”
I watch Masterson with a frown, knowing that this will also affect me and my team since a lot of the civilians have been helping to clear the area with his team. Colonel Smith looks up and gestures for Masterson to continue.
The Dead Saga: Odium 0.5 (Nina's Story) Page 10
