He watched me sit all rigid and probably abnormally, then scrubbed a hand over his face. “Bianca’s been coming here to see me—every day.”
I’m not surprised. I had no idea why he was telling me this. Did he want me to feel jealous? Or maybe guilty? Guilty that I didn’t come see him, but Bianca did? Well, I didn’t feel that. I just felt even more betrayed, if that was possible.
Finn grimaced. “She’s trying to convince me I love her—not you.”
“Maybe you do.”
He laid his head on the table and exhaled. “The doctors here are trying to tell me I don’t love either of you. That I wouldn’t have cheated on you if I loved you.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Sounds reasonable.”
“Zoey! Stop being like this. I do love you! I have always loved you.”
“You cheated on me.” I folded my arms, still trying to be what he was getting at with his “stop being like this.” Distant and unemotional. “Maybe Bianca’s right. Maybe you love her.”
“Zoey, I don’t! You know I don’t. I don’t love Bianca. I don’t want Bianca. I only want you. You’re all I ever wanted, from the moment I first laid eyes on you, Zoey. It was always you.”
“Then you really blew it.”
Finn blanched, all the blood draining out of his face. He clenched his jaw muscles, wiping at his pooling eyes. “Yeah, I blew it, Zoey. I admit that.” He shook his head somberly. “I blew it so bad. But what about you?” His eyes locked on mine. “My best friend, Zoey?” There was such hurt in his voice. I used to would have caved at that. Big time. But now I braced myself, remembering him and Bianca—seeing them together—and his constant denials. Constant lies that made me feel pathetic and crazy for being suspicious and jealous of them.
When I didn’t cry or act moved by his emotional distress, Finn quickly took another tack. “He’s a player, Zoey. You know that. But look, you also know me. I’m faithful to you. I’ve always been faithful.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“Okay. One screw up. One. But the guy is probably back with Ava right this minute. You know that, Zoey. He always goes back to Ava.” He tried to take my hand, his voice going soft. “Just like we always go back to each other.”
I shook away his hand and shook my head. No. No way. I wasn’t going to be manipulated. Not this time. Yes, I’d forgiven him for things over and over. But that was back when he was my bright shining angel—back when I trusted him and believed he could do no wrong.
But the boy had wronged me—big time. A hundred times over. And unfortunately for him, my eyes were opened now. I knew what I wanted.
What I wanted was the boy who had bought me my favorite green sweater, and let my little brother pee in his hot tub, and my sister wash his hair—I wanted Riley.
With all of my heart, I wanted Riley.
But it seemed he no longer wanted me.
Finn was probably right. Riley was back with Ava right this minute. Back where he always went—into Ava’s arms.
CHAPTER15
Riley (two days after kissing Zoey in his office)
I’m sitting on my bed thinking about Zoey—of course. I can’t get our kiss out of my head. I want to just bounce to her house and scoop her up and say, “Screw, Finn. He had his chance and he blew it.”
That’s really all I want to do. Forget Finn. Be selfish. But Zoey can’t do that. I know she can’t. She thinks she can, because she’s hurting right now. But … she can’t. Finn is under her skin … like she’s under mine. Like she has been ever since I first met her. Stuff like that, it doesn’t just go away.
I hear a knock at the front door. For a second, my heart is all excited thinking it’s Zoey. I swear, it almost slams out of my chest. But it’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. Of course it’s not Zoey at my door.
I know it even before I hear Ava’s voice coming from the other side. Still, my heart drops like a brick. I rub my face, thinking about not answering, though she’s straight up saying she knows I’m here.
She rings the bell and pounds. “I know you’re in there, Riley. Your precious car is parked in the driveway.”
She keeps coming by. Bringing me things, whispering things. Doing her usual. Things that used to work with me—big time—when she wanted to get back together with me.
Thing is though, that stuff makes me sort of sick now. Now that I kissed Zoey. Now that for a moment I let myself dream I actually had a chance with her.
I wince, knowing I’m an idiot. My best friend’s girlfriend—why? What kind of sick, self-inflicting sadist am I? I want to bash my head into the wall. Instead I murmur, “It’s open.”
Ava comes breathlessly inside, in a very, very short skirt. She looks like she’s been crying. Which always gets to me. When tough, cold Ava breaks down and cries. She knows I’m a sucker for that—her tears and trembling lip.
She stares at me from across the room. Then her voice is all broken as she says she can’t take losing me. “Really,” she sobs. “Without you, Riley, I just want to die.”
It’s not fair what she’s doing. My best friend is in a mental hospital. A mental hospital. She can’t tell me this junk. Not now.
She comes closer to me. “Remember our first kiss, Riley?” She’s running her soft fingers through my hair. “I can’t get that day out of my mind,” she whispers. “The day we met.”
She tangles up my thoughts, trying to coax me to kiss her and remember things I don’t want to. She doesn’t know it, but the thoughts she’s making me conjure are about Zoey as much as her. Maybe even more about Zoey.
… The day I met Ava, actually bothered to talk to her … it was back in middle school. At a carnival. I’d left Zoey and Finn alone in the tilt-a-whirl line—just ’cause I kept catching myself being stupid—staring at them holding hands, my heart full of hurt and wanting.
Instead of admitting anything like that—those kind of feelings—I’d tried to make it seem the total opposite. I backed away from them, muttering in a half-teasing, half-disgusted tone, “You know what? You guys kind of make me sick with your cuddling. I’m going to go hang out with the guys for a while—after I puke.”
As I was walking away, Zoey called playfully after me. “What?! We were just going to use the kiss you won for Finn in the Basketball Toss—we thought you wanted to be around to see it.”
I flinched hearing her say that—having that moment thrown back in my face. Though she was only teasing and had absolutely no idea what was going through my mind back at the Basketball Toss—back when I won her kiss. If she did—if she knew—she wouldn’t have said anything about it now—she would have never mentioned the moment ever again.
But she didn’t know. She didn’t have a clue.
See the beginning of that day, at the carnival, I’d hung around her and Finn and tried seeming sad that Jade Silver and I had recently broken-up. Like I had liked Jade a lot or something. I don’t know exactly why I did that. Just to bug Zoey, I guess. Make her think I was into someone that wasn’t her. But it was pathetic and sad, of course. Because I didn’t like anyone but her.
I spent a lot of time that day wincing at the carnival. I couldn’t help it. I’d wince whenever Zoey and Finn would get cuddly—which was constantly. Wince when Zoey would laugh at Finn’s lame jokes, or smile at him, or look at him. Yeah, I spent basically the whole morning wincing. Real fun.
Then I saw it—the sign at the Basket Ball Toss: Five dollars—one kiss. My eyes popped open wide. It was just a joke, I figured. It was hand-written at the bottom of our school’s fundraiser booth sign, under the real message:
One dollar—two throws
Two dollars—five throws
I didn’t mention the sign to Zoey. Instead, I ran a hand over my face, trying my best not to crack a grin. “Hey, Jones, weren’t you going to work one of the booths for a while?”
She made a face. “Yes. Why? You want to get rid of me?”
For a second, it seemed like she was going to get mad. For real. But she
didn’t—not really. She just gave me a fake grimace. “Fine. Whatever. Have Finn to yourself for a while. I get it—guy time.” She gave Finn a playful kiss on the tip of his nose. It was so cute.
I didn’t mean to watch. But I did, anyway. I couldn’t tear my eyes away, though it made the pit of my stomach crush with an ache and longing that I didn’t quite understand—though sadly, in a way I did. Enough that I felt doomed.
Zoey caught me looking at them and laughed, totally misunderstanding my expression. “Wow. We really do make you sick, huh?”
For some reason she thought I hated her. Maybe it was because I said things like I answered that day, “Well, you guys are pretty disgusting.”
She laughed and kissed Finn again—just to taunt me. And it worked. I was taunted, big time. Just not the way she thought. She thought she was grossing me out. Only, it was the total opposite. Total. Opposite.
I watched her glittery pink lips press against Finn’s and I felt all the blood drain out of my face.
“Wow!” Zoey said when she playfully glanced my way. I was probably all pale—I felt pale.
My throat was all tight and tremors wracked through my body.
Zoey’s lips formed an “O.”
The muscles in my jaw tensed. “Are you going to go or what?”
Whoa, ease up Riley. It’s not her fault you’re a goon with a crush on her. Still, all I said was, “Your booth is waiting.”
It wasn’t really that I wanted to kiss my best friend’s girl. (Okay, I did want to—bad … but I wasn’t really planning on it.)
I tried telling myself I just wanted to see Zoey squirm when guys lined up to get a kiss. Like it was just supposed to be funny. Only the thought made me sort of sick. So, the joke was more like it was on me.
See, I was really screwed up. Big time. And I did stupid stuff like that all the time. I had no idea why. I was just seriously messed in the head from having a crush on my best friend’s girlfriend.
That crush—it tortured me. Haunted me. Made me do crazy, stupid, heart-killing things.
No doubt—I was crushed by the crush.
***
While Zoey worked at the Basket Ball Toss, Finn and I rode the tilt-a-whirl a bunch of times. Then he got nauseous. While he went to the bathroom to throw up—or whatever he planned to do in there—I watched Zoey from afar as she worked at the booth. It was by the bathroom, so it wasn’t exactly stalking. Well, okay it was totally stalking.
Watching her, I held my breath. It was like the other day when I sat listening to her read her poem in class with my heart aching—no, actually breaking. She loved my best friend. And there was absolutely nothing I could do about that.
Every day I would watch her saunter up to the board in class and I couldn’t breathe. I needed to move away. Change schools. Something.
Finally, there was no line at Zoey’s booth. She was alone. I wandered over to her without even realizing I was going to. I just found myself there. At her booth.
When she saw me standing there, watching her, she dropped the book she was holding. She was flustered around me—always was. Like she knew there was something going on inside me even if I never confessed it. At least I thought she knew—suspected, anyway.
She gave a surprised gasp, then tried to cover for it by being overly friendly. “Oh, hi Riley!” She smiled all toothy but awkward, like Why are you here without Finn? But all she said was, “By the way, thanks for the band tickets the other night. My friend, Summer, and I used them—since Finn didn’t want to go.”
I nodded slightly, at first not saying anything. The band tickets—not exactly my finest moment. I’d bought them knowing (well, suspecting) I’d be paired with Zoey for this school thing … and I’d been right. We were paired together. But of course I couldn’t go through with this idea I’d had—suggesting she go with me to see my favorite band—which I knew was her favorite band too.
Even as I bought the tickets, I knew I wouldn’t use them. My only saving grace was the fact I wasn’t altogether certain I’d be paired with Zoey … but of course in the end, I was. (And deep down, I’d known I would be.)
Funny thing was, while the school computer had paired me with Zoey, it paired Finn with this guy, Max—a guy in our band. But he and Finn blew off the assignment and planned to go to the movies instead—and they went, even though I gave Zoey the tickets and she begged Finn to take her to the concert.
Finally, I managed to speak, tearing my eyes away from her smile and focused on the conversation—Zoey using the tickets I’d given her and ending up going to the concert with Summer instead of Finn. I managed not to look sympathetic. Or overly interested. “I know—Finn told me.”
She gave a weak smile. “He didn’t want to miss his zombie movie.”
I grinned a little, “Or his date with Max.”
She laughed. “Right.”
Her laugh made my heart pound. I looked away from her, feeling guilty.
And I didn’t feel any better about myself as I got a rush hearing her next words, “They’re my favorite band. I’m so glad you had the tickets. I didn’t even know you liked them.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, then tried to give a teasing smile as I raised my eyebrows. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
Before that could be taken too accurately, and seriously, I added really quick, “But maybe that’s for the best—I hear I’m a heartbreaker.”
I watched her pretty face redden. As I knew it would. I’d overheard her call me that—a “heartbreaker.” She said it to one of her friends that had had a crush on me. But I really hadn’t known how to handle the girl’s crush. I mean, she was Zoey’s friend, and I was in love with Zoey. So, it didn’t seem fair to the girl. And really, I didn’t think I could handle it anyway, dating someone that would talk about Zoey all of the time. So, when I shot the girl’s plans down—that we go to a movie or something—Zoey told her, “You don’t want to get involved with Riley anyway—he’s a heartbreaker.”
But see, really I wasn’t like that. Only, I guess to Zoey I was. ‘Cause she didn’t know. Had no clue what she did to my heart—that she was the heartbreaker. And that she was the reason I avoided getting serious with girls … because they weren’t her.
Zoey’s cheeks grew even redder as I just watched her reaction, unable to hide my teasing smile. She stammered out, “You—you heard me say that?”
I breathed out a laugh. “Yeah, I heard you. You said it right in front of me. How could I not hear it?”
She raised her eyebrows, getting some of her spunk back. “Um, because you don’t listen to a word I say?”
I just smiled at that. The chick had absolutely no clue that I hung on every word she uttered.
Zoey sighed, apparently thinking she needed to explain (which she didn’t). “Riley, she’s my friend and she liked you a lot. You hurt her feelings.”
I mockingly covered my heart with my hand. “Well, you hurt mine, Zoey—calling me a heartbreaker.”
She rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. Mocking right back to me, “Right. I hurt the Heartbreaker’s heart with my cruel, cruel words. Can you ever forgive me? Please?” She held out a basketball to me. “Here, have a free throw—it’s on me. And then we’re even.”
“Even?” I leaned over the counter of the booth, tilting my head up at her. “I’ll make us even.” The words came out more husky than I’d meant.
Zoey tilted her head at me, her eyes full of question. Like, What are you talking about strange heartbreaker boy?
“Here’s five dollars,” I said softly.
“Ok-ayy,” she said, like I was acting funny. But she didn’t question it. She figured she just didn’t get me and that was okay with her since she usually didn’t have to. I was just a guy she had to tolerate for Finn’s sake—but she didn’t have to understand me.
Without questioning me, she took my money and gave me five balls.
“Okay.” I took one of the balls and tossed it from one hand to the other
. I grinned at her. “If I make the shot, then I want what the bottom row says.”
She scrunched up her brow and followed my gaze to the sign. She read the bottom row, then breathed out a gasp. Five dollars—one kiss. Until that moment, she hadn’t noticed it written there. Apparently. Now she was all red-faced again. And I tried telling myself I did it just for that—to see her pretty blush again.
She stammered out, “Right—well, I’ll send Jade right over.”
“Jade dumped me—remember?” The words weren’t true—I’d dumped her. But Zoey didn’t know that. For some reason, I liked her to think I was crushed—maybe so she wouldn’t think I was such a heartbreaker.
“I’m sorry,” Zoey whispered, turning pale. “I didn’t know that’s what happened. Jade’s dumb. You deserve better.”
I widened my eyes. Her words did something to the pit of my stomach.
Trying to console me (I guess) she blurted out, “If you make the shot—I’ll give you this pretty stuffed snake.”
My eyebrows went up. Along with the corners of my mouth. “No, I want the kiss.”
“Right,” she laughed. “I doubt it will make anyone jealous but Finn. Jade’s not around—she won’t see.”
I tossed the ball back and forth, back and forth, from one hand to the other, not saying anything, just watching her.
“I don’t want to make anyone jealous,” I said. “I just want the kiss.”
Zoey’s lips parted slightly, and she dropped the stuffed snake she was holding. But she recovered quickly.
“Sure,” she said with a forced shrug, trying to act as though her cheeks weren’t on fire. But they were as red as a juicy, ripe tomato. Then she added with a wicked smile, “If you make the shot.”
I grinned, raising my eyebrows. “So, we have a deal?”
“Sure,” she said again, but then she added, because that’s Zoey, “But just so you know—and don’t get your heartbreaker feelings hurt—no one’s made the shot the whole hour I’ve been here.”
Fall Forever (Fall For Me) Page 5
