by Leigh Hutton
Her front end twitched as she crossed the main rut, the vibration of the machine shook her hands, daring her arms to make a mistake. She was parallel to Lasha, but carrying much more speed a euphoric feeling, the adrenaline charging her, making her feel superhuman. She was in front, finally ahead of one of her bullies. Lasha was no match for her, neither was Dee Harding. Clover imagined herself strong enough to take both girls on, and win. Maybe ice racing would give her the confidence she so desperately needed.
Lasha got back on the throttle. She was set up well to exit the corner safely and slingshot out into the final straight away.
Clover didn’t let off. Drunk on the pass. Being in front of Lasha felt so good. But she was speeding directly for the outside snow bank, and the spectators beyond it.
She forced herself to ease off the throttle. The bike slowed, enough to turn the few degrees she needed. Just enough. She pulled the throttle back on, feeling each solid beat of her heart … the throttle hit the stop, she waited for the arm-wrenching hit, as the screws in her back tyre bit into the frozen surface.
But it didn’t come.
Her left hip hit hard. Clover and her bike slid on the ice.
She pulled the kill cord and put her screaming bike out of its misery. Time stood still as she flew across the ice, a wall of white cascading over her head as the 116-kilogram machine skidded through the snow. Then her body lurched as it made contact with the bank. Engulfed by cold.
She coughed to clear the chunks of ice and snow from her mouth. Her ears were ringing, but there was no other sound. She lay back, feeling the chill coming in, and wiped the front of her goggles with a shaking hand. Her eyelashes were frozen together she stared through the thick black sticks, up at the glistening blue sky, replaying her mistake over and over in her mind. She felt angry to again be reminded of Dallas and that painful mess that she’d created she just wanted to look forward with her life. But his words kept finding their way into her consciousness …
You are in control of how you feel.
She took a deep breath, and forced a slight smile. I’ll get it, she told herself. Don’t be so negative and hard on yourself!
Then her legs started kicking, and she freed herself from under her bike, standing it back up.
Clover was brushing off her backside when Ernie reached her, the snow was deep, making it hard to run. ‘You okay?’
‘I will be.’
FOURTEEN
Clover walked back to the pit area from watching the final junior practice of the day, smiling to herself, visualising what it would feel like to nail the outside line and pass Lasha, when she stopped. Dallas was standing next to her father’s truck.
Clover’s mind took off, threatening to free-rev. She glanced around quickly, searching for her dad and relaxed when she spotted him, his back to them, looking out at the racetrack.
She closed the gap to Dallas and looked up at him slowly.
‘Hi, Clover,’ he said.
Dallas pulled his sunglasses from the top of his team hat, and slid them over his eyes. He kissed her on the cheek. His lips were cold. Clover had the urge to tense against him, but forced herself to relax.
He let her go, and leant against the tailgate of Ernie’s truck.
Not only did she have a boyfriend, but he’d found his way to her race track. She was used to being with Dallas around Silvertown, but having him here, so close to her father and her sport, had thrown her off balance.
Dallas was staring her down. ‘So, yeah, your mom told me where you were.’
‘Oh, right. Was she nice?’
‘Seemed pretty stressed. But yeah, she was nice.’
‘Cool.’ Clover nodded and looked up at Dallas, her nose wrinkling from the power of the afternoon sun.
‘How are you feeling?’ Dallas asked.
‘Ah … ’I’m pissed off I just crashed, but psyched to be ice racing!
Other than that … pretty damn good. Her headache was totally gone, much to her delight, as it had been serving as a constant, pulsing reminder of New Year’s. Of last night. Clover shuddered, as a thick tar of regret oozed up from her stomach, and coated her mind.
She squeezed her eyes closed. Had to make the hideous feeling stop.
When she re-opened her eyes, her stomach felt uneasy and Dallas was studying her face. He looked down, kicked at the ice. His face wore a foreign expression, his eyes and full lips turned down with sadness. Uncertainty. Clover knew she should feel something, say something tell him everything was all right. That she wasn’t mad and that they could work it all out. After all, he was her boyfriend. They had slept together, and he had said he loved her. But her mind was blank, her feet were heavy and her chest was cold. It was as if she was frozen, from the heart out. Dallas had hurt her. She’d come so close to losing her bike the thought made her stomach clench. She was ashamed and regretted the night. But what now? The regret was so strong, it was almost paralysing. When you’ve done something so shameful, how hard is it to forget?
Dallas looked up at her. The corners of his mouth pulled up, into a hopeful smile.
Her heart thawed, just a little. She knew Dallas wasn’t entirely to blame. It wasn’t as if she’d been force-fed the alcohol she’d been using the stuff to deal with the pressure ever since crashing out of juniors. And he loved her. Said he did, anyway. But did she love him?
She didn’t know how it should feel. Her body did feel drawn to his, like she wanted to be a part of him. Was that love? I love Dallas. She imagined the statement dancing in front of her, and was surprised to find that the words sucked from her all the guilt and regret and fear. I love him.
Stating this as a fact made everything in her life seem simpler. The last thing she wanted was to go back three months, to before she had Dallas and her new popularity. When everything in her life was a total mess. What love was, entirely, she still couldn’t be sure. Her heart beat faster when they were together. It must be love.
She had to tell him.
But suddenly, Dallas took a fast stride backwards. ‘Hi, Mr. Kassedy.’
Clover’s spine went rigid as Ernie appeared around the side of the truck and slapped his hand on the back tailgate.
‘Hello, Dallas,’ Ernie said.
Dallas took another step away, a good metre from Clover now, and shoved his hands into his pockets.
Ernie looked at Clover. ‘You’ve come to watch my daughter ride, have you?’ he asked, without taking his eyes off her.
‘Yes sir.’
‘Clover, is it okay that Dallas is here?’
Her eyebrows rose with surprise. They hadn’t discussed Dallas, that morning when she and Ernie had sorted out her racing and her future. ‘Yeah Dad,’ she said. ‘Of course it is.’
‘Okay, then.’ Ernie folded his arms. ‘Dallas, you are her boyfriend, at least for the time being, so you can stay. But she’s driving home with me.’
Later Clover pulled her dad aside, ‘Our deal, Dad, that includes Dallas, right?’
‘You can see him. Being allowed to have a boyfriend can be part of your reward for being a good girl. But it’ll be on my terms.’
She rocked back up onto the balls of her feet. ‘Okay.’
‘My terms, Clover. No sleepovers. No dates on school nights or going past curfew on the weekends. And no interference with your racing.’
She paused, expecting to feel angry, and humiliated by his rules, to cry unfair and to stamp her feet how she probably would have acted before the party, before her decision to start a new, clean life for racing. Instead, she found herself saying, ‘Fair enough,’ and looking out at the track. The last Pro Class practice race was just finishing. The big KX and CR500s rumbled off the ice and back to their trucks.
She couldn’t wait to get back on her machine, couldn’t wait for her first ice race. Then she spotted Lasha, strutting across the pits, one of her besties on her arm.
Next time, she’s mine.
FIFTEEN
Later at their favourite o
utlet mall, Clover told Sera and Sydney her news. ‘I’m gonna be away a bit this year. Dad’s taking me to Florida, and if I can podium there, the World Champ’s in the Czech Republic as long as I don’t play up, which I’m not planning to do. I want to become the best woman Enduro rider in the world.’
Sera’s eyes bulged from their sockets. She tried to yell something, but instead began choking on her wad of bubble gum. ‘What? Why?’
‘Why’re you being such a cow?’
‘You’re the bitch taking off, leaving us here. You won’t even miss us and you don’t even care that you’re gonna miss like all the parties. Who am I supposed to go with?’
‘You’re unbelievable, you know that? When did I say I wouldn’t be coming to any parties? All I’m giving up is drinking, it’s not that big a deal.’
Sera huffed. ‘It’s a huge deal. You’re choosing racing over us!’
‘I am not! Don’t be so dramatic! I can race and have my life in Silvertown, obviously. You guys are my besties. And what d’ya mean, I won’t miss you?’ Clover said, moving close to her best friend. ‘Stop being ridiculous! I’m really excited about this and I thought you’d be supportive.’
‘Guys, come on.’ Sydney reached across the table to grab Clover’s hand, which was balled into a fist.
Clover glanced around. The people at the surrounding tables looked back to their meals. She’d been speaking louder than she thought. Not that she cared. Sera made her so mad sometimes.
‘We are supportive, Clover,’ Sydney said, in her comforting tone. ‘Sera’s just trying to say that we’re gonna miss you. We’re excited for you, of course we are. I think it’s really cool, that you race. We think it’s really cool, don’t we, Sera?’
Sera was staring hard at the table.
‘Don’t we, Sera?’
‘Yep,’ Sera said finally. ‘It’s cool. I just … I don’t understand, I guess.’ Her voice softened as it trailed off. ‘You didn’t even say how long you’re gonna be gone for.’
Clover took a deep breath, then shook her head. ‘Why am I friends with such a spaz head again, remind me, please?’
‘You’re scared you’ll get your ass kicked without me for protection.’ Sera kissed her skinny arm. ‘That, and you like my jokes.’
Clover couldn’t help but laugh, until Sydney moved in close, and whispered into her ear, ‘So do you have anything you’d like to tell us about what happened with Dallas after you two left the club on New Year’s?’
The sky was dark by the time Dallas’s hockey game finished and everyone drained out of the rink. Clouds were building, and the temperature had dropped well below zero. Not that Clover noticed. Dallas was the only thing on her mind.
‘Thanks for coming,’ Dallas said, as he dropped his gear bag on the frozen ground and rested his hockey stick lightly against the bed of his Ford. He pulled his keys from the pocket of his team jacket and hit the keyless entry button. ‘I play better when you’re here.’
Clover smiled warmly, remembering how his face had lit up when he’d spotted her and the girls settling in to the Home Team bleachers. ‘You played awesome,’ she said. ‘That goal in second period was unreal I thought your dad was gonna jump down onto the ice and hug ya.’ She wrapped her shivering hands around his waist and buried them into the back of his jacket, feeling the warmth of his toned, lower back. ‘You’re the reason you guys won.’
Dallas grinned and pulled her close, lowered his lips to hers, but before they could touch, a gust of wind whistled from around the rink, and hit her face. Her whole body trembled. She reached up quickly to kiss him he was so warm and her legs turned to jelly as their lips met.
This was it, she realised, her moment to say the three magical words. For the very first time.
‘Dallas?’ she said. ‘I’ve gotta tell you something.’
‘Shoot.’
‘Here’s the thing. I was pretty freaked out about New Year’s … ’
‘I know.’ He reached down and pressed his palm against her cold cheek.
He was so affectionate, Clover thought. So mature about being seen with her in public, about holding hands, hugging. She was sure this was one of the things she loved most about him. That and his rock-hard body. His strong thighs. She had to catch her breath at the thought.
‘I’m sorry about what happened,’ Dallas said. ‘But you don’t have to worry, you’re what’s important to me and we can go at whatever pace you’d like.’ He dropped his chin and kissed her on the cheek.
‘There’s something you need to know.’
He cocked his head to the side.
‘I love you, too.’
As soon as she’d spoken the words, Clover knew they were true. Her heart seemed to swell, mend itself, covering over all the wounds of regret, uncertainty, and shame. Fully healed.
Dallas pulled her up against his body, and kissed her hard.
If Clover had been thinking clearly, if she hadn’t been subjected to Dallas in that tight T-shirt, if his hands hadn’t been on her body, his tongue in her mouth, she might have remembered to tell him about Florida and the World’s.
SIXTEEN
Clover was sound asleep when the blizzard hit during the night.
She only noticed the change in the weather the next morning. It wasn’t severe enough a storm for school to be called off, so she was forced to make her morning trek from the house to the garage and to her truck. Snow was still blowing sideways at 8.00am as she hurried across the yard, Dallas’s white and black jacket pulled tightly around her. By the time she made it to Silvertown High, fought her way through the wind and sharp snow into the warm building and tucked herself up at a desk in the English room, Clover had forgotten all about the weather. About most of everything, actually.
All the other kids in the room disappeared, her chest inflating with pride, as she stared at the bold, red ‘95%’ in the top corner of the cover page of the assignment Mrs. Frost had just handed back. She looked up at her teacher, blinking with disbelief.
Mrs. Frost nodded. ‘Good work, Clover! It’s nice to see you finally applying yourself.’
Clover laughed, feeling good about the fact that she’d actually come to enjoy school work while being grounded for those two months. She’d continued the routine in the Christmas break, and was even making it to school early some days, to make sure she was on top of things. Was Clover Kassedy actually getting her shit together?!
Clover was relieved and excited that things were looking up on the school front. There were only three weeks left of term, all she had to do was get through mid-terms and finish off a few more assignments. Just sit down and do it was a phrase she’d started telling herself any time she tried to procrastinate. It actually worked.
Her next class was math. She was in the ‘dumb kid’ level, but was hoping to work her way up. She took her usual seat, next to Sera, who seemed even more abrasive than normal, and had a distant look in her eyes, too. It was obvious she was upset about something. But when Clover asked if she was alright, Sera shot back, ‘Fine!’ so Clover didn’t push the issue.
Sera didn’t speak another word for the rest of the period. She just stared at the chalkboard, occasionally checking her phone. Clover was struggling to understand the problems in her textbook she was sure she was dyslexic with numbers so didn’t pay much attention. With about ten minutes left of class, however, Clover’s attention for algebra had dissipated. She turned to Sera, who was sitting next to the window, and was struck by the force of the blizzard outside. Mother Nature was going nuts on the other side of the thin glass. After math, Clover broke from Sera who mumbled something about having to go meet Chris and headed for the canteen.
Today, Clover felt not a hint of insecurity entering the hub of the school. She didn’t feel the need to hurry, or keep her eyes on the floor. She was starting to feel comfortable in her new popularity, and appreciated how it made her feel. That she deserved to belong.
When she sensed someone standing across the table,
she looked up.
‘Dallas?’
Her body went rigid at the sight of his face his eyes were as cold and as crazy as the blizzard. His jaw was set, lips pressed together. ‘What’s wrong?’
He sat down across from her, his eyes fixed on hers. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
Clover was suddenly aware of all the people around them, gawking. ‘Tell you what?’
‘You know what. I can’t believe I had to hear it from someone else.’
‘Whoa, wait a second.’ Clover jumped up and moved to sit next to him, ‘I have no idea … ’
‘Florida. And … The Czech Republic! Why would you hide this?’
Because … I forgot! She thought desperately. Or, maybe, because, deep down, I knew you would react like this! And I need to have both you and racing in my life!
The only two people she had told about the races, apart from her family, were Sera and Sydney. She knew Sydney wouldn’t have spoken a word of it to anyone. Sera, on the other hand, was getting weird and had been acting downright mean. She must’ve told Dallas.
Of all the annoying, hurtful things that Sera had ever said or done this was the worst. She’d been betrayed by her best friend, and within her lava was spitting hot flecks, smoke rising in a haze.
Clover became aware of Dallas staring at her, so she forced herself to adopt a softer tone, for the flames to die in her eyes. ‘I’m only going away for about a week to Florida and a few more for the World’s. The race is six days long,’ she said, trying to casually drape her arm around his shoulders, which remained stiff. ‘I won’t be gone for more than a month!’
‘A month is a long time. But I’m mainly pissed because you kept it secret.’
‘I didn’t mean to!’
‘I felt like an idiot when Sera started talking to me about it this morning. She kept saying that I should stop you, that I’d be the only one you’d listen to.’
