by Anna Collins
“I always knew my mother was a sensitive soul. This was a girl who liked to write poetry. She had a real creative side. My mom not only liked to write, but she sculpted and painted for the sake of expressing herself. When she was taken away, it was the hardest time in my life, and my father was there to hold me up. We both helped each other to get through it. I’m surprised with your vast resources you didn’t know she had passed away,” I said with him looking away as if he was embarrassed about something he couldn’t take back.
“I hoped I was never going to have to say this, but I did know of her passing. The funeral was beautiful, and I stayed away from you and your father. If I had come in with a few somber words of goodbye, I’m positive you and your father would have questions I couldn’t answer,” he said as his words slurred like he had been drinking heavily during a bender.
“I want you to know before you pass out I am eternally in your debt for this. I have already expressed my desire to Leslie about cooking her favorite desert and leaving it on her doorstep on her birthday and Christmas. I think I can do better for you. I don’t see any reason why we can’t get to know each other. I am going to have to tell my father about you, and this is a conversation I’m not anxious to have, but I don’t see any reason why I can’t have two fathers who care for me in different ways. I will make this clear; your money means nothing to me. I don’t want you to go out of your way to make my life easier; this will only push me further away from you. Don’t interfere in my life and maybe we’ll have a chance to repair the mistake my mother made,” I said hoping I would follow through, but had no idea if I was willing or able to give him this promise.
“I don’t want you to say anything you can’t take back. Let’s just take it one day at a time. I’m not an easy man and Leslie can tell you I have done things that would probably make you turn away from me in disgust. I want to be the kind of father you need in your life. I’m not sure I can ever be this caring. You’re the mirror image of your mother, and that’s hard for me,” Spencer said as he took one long drawn breath and then his eyes closed.
Leslie came over and lifted his lids to see he was completely out of it. She went ahead to check his vitals and then she turned to me. I think our little secret had made us unlikely allies. It would have gone up in smoke had she given my father any indication this was some kind of ruse.
“As a scientist, I am curious to see how this is going to work between father and daughter. As a woman, I have to say what he is doing for you touches me in a way I never thought was possible. I have always wanted a man who cared for his family, and I never thought I could get this from him. It’s the reason why I sheltered myself and only allowed him a piece of me. That piece can never be taken away. I have to tell you even though he’s here because of what I said, it doesn’t undo the fact he did come down here willingly, without anybody forcing him to do the right thing. That in itself shows he has redeeming qualities I might be able to work with,” Leslie said as she did finally give me a sedative.
“You can’t build anything you have on mistrust and lies. It would be a good idea for you to tell him the truth. You never know, he might admire you for coming forward. He might go off on a tangent that might hurt you with words. It will be like tiny needles in various parts of your body. Give him a chance, though. It’s the only way you’re going to know if you can trust him with your heart. You say you’re not in love, but I think you might be protesting just a little bit too much. He believes you could never love him, but I think deep down you have already lost your heart to him,” I said as the drug made me feel weightless. My whole body went numb with a certain sensation that felt like ice water being poured on my skin.
“I’m a coward, and I know that, but there’s no way I can tell him the truth. You might be right, and he could be accepting, but he could also want to cut me off his life entirely. It is possible something will make me blurt it out, but I hope I have good enough sense not to ruin a good thing,” Leslie said as she watched me and made sure I was in the best shape of my life to go under the knife.
“It doesn’t have to be that way. You can have everything you’re looking for including a family, but you will need to unburden and confess your sins. You could do it in a church; they will forgive you and tell you all you need to do is to repent. I don’t believe that. The only way you’re truly going to rest is if you can get this off your chest. You don’t want this to end what you have with him. It’s pretty damn clear in the way you look at each other. You don’t necessarily finish each other’s sentences, but you do share knowing glances which are almost like a secret language in itself. It’s not too late to fight for what you want. It may have been wrong for you to lie to him in the first place, but you don’t have to leave it there,” I said not knowing if she was going to listen, but at least I had said what was on my mind before anything was to happen.
“I’ll give what you said some thought, but I don’t know if it’s going to make me jump on top of that grenade. In the meantime, I need you to take long deep breaths and let your mind drift. Tristan is right here. He has a few words to get you through this,” Leslie said as she put Tristan on the spot and I had to admit this was a good idea.
“I look at you, and I remember the girl who dared to talk to me. I was not sociable, and I had no interest in what most people had to say during idle chitchat. It was so mundane and boring it was almost a waste of time. I tried, but I never did feel comfortable enough around people to give them a reason to like me or dislike me. With you, it was easy to talk to you. I was in a position to help you or send you down the wrong path altogether. I was the one responsible for bringing you here. I thought it was the wrong thing to do, but now I see it was the only thing to do,” Tristan said as he held my hand with both of his clasped over my right one.
“You were a pompous ass when I met you. You had no bedside manner, and your scientific curiosity was a little hard to take. You didn’t look at me like a person. I was just this experiment. I don’t know when it happened, but I suddenly saw a flash of interest in your eyes. I didn’t want to believe it, but I saw it, and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I decided to ignore it for as long as possible, but that became an effort in futility. I was under your control, and you may have thought it was the other way around, but I can assure you I was just as powerless to resist you,” I said with the room spinning in circles of light which seemed to stretch on for as far as the eye could see.
“I’m the first one to admit I was a bit staid and cold when we met. I had no interest getting involved in a long-term relationship. I’m not one to share my feelings. What happened with Jessica broke my wings, and you helped me fly again. The look of love in your eyes helped me open up and reveal myself. This whole thing has been one very intense learning curve. I have money, but I don’t have the resources Spencer has. I could have taken you to France to the finest doctor money could buy, but I decided it would be better to trust your treatment to someone who was a little unconventional. Let’s just say I took it on faith that what I was doing by bringing you here was the right thing. I don’t know what it was about Spencer that gave me a reason to hope he had the answers. He was very compelling and the way he talked about helping you made me feel as if he was some sort of humanitarian. I might have been wrong about this, but his insistence to help was driven by his need to protect himself. He thought he could use you and then discard you without even thinking about the daughter he has. He didn’t understand you could show him his legacy didn’t have to die with him,” Tristan said as he pulled out from behind his back a bag which contained a jellyroll.
“That is my favorite. I can’t possibly go to sleep without this sugar rush. Bring it to me and don’t make any sudden movements to attract Leslie to what you are doing,” he pressed the delicate treat up against my mouth, and I savored the cream, and the taste was like I had been brought back to a more innocent time of my childhood.
“You’re going to have to make it last. Savor every bite. This is my
way to tell you you’re going to make it. Believe it and if you don’t, then look into my eyes and tell me if I’m lying to you. There’s no sense in looking back. When I’m with you time stands still. I want you to promise me that you won’t give up the fight. I will be there when you wake up, and I will be the first thing you see when you open your eyes. If you can’t believe anything else, then you need to believe this. I can’t in good conscience leave you without being by your side during the entire procedure,” he said as he smiled and let me lick his fingers clean. That seemed to give another part of him some ideas.
“OK…but you’re going to have to do all the work,” I said seeing him blur out of focus, knowing it wasn’t going to be too long before I joined my father.
“I’m sorry. You already know sometimes it has a mind of its own. It got a taste, and now it’s a junkie for your form. You can’t blame me. It’s not like I have any control over how I feel about you,” Tristan said as the lights began to dim and his voice became more like an echo inside a tunnel.
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. We wasted too much time, and I promise I will never allow that to happen again. We both have been burned in the past, and it has made us a little gun-shy to begin a relationship. There’s no doubt in my mind you love me, and I want to make it perfectly clear I feel the same way. I hope this is enough. It’s all I got. I have laid myself bare for your judgment,” I said sounding like a fortune cookie, wondering what other words of wisdom I would come up with in my drug addled state.
“It’s more than enough, Willa. I just hope you mean what you’re saying. There have been moments people have been drugged to say something they regret. We’ll have to say the same words when you are of sound mind. This can’t be easy for you. I want you to take my strength and use it as your own. I would gladly change places with you. That is a sacrifice I would be willing to make. Everything has been a little brighter with you in my life. I just hope this is something that’s meant to be. I feel we deserve a chance to see past the bedroom eyes,” Tristan said with his voice drifting in and out, but I managed to hold onto the reality for as long as possible.
There were shadows and lonely dreams. I saw him fade away and his voice lowered in volume until I could barely make out the words he said. This was out of my hands. I always thought I was in control, but now I had no idea of what was going to happen next.
Chapter 27
It was strange to wake up and feel like I was not in Kansas anymore. The room was draped with a gauze of mosquito netting over the bed. There was a breeze blowing through the window, and the sheets held me tightly. I couldn’t move. I looked around, and this did not seem like the same place I had just been. There was something magical and a feeling like things were as they should be.
There was something strange in the air. It was an aroma sickly sweet and quite addictive. I closed my eyes and let myself float aimlessly through the ether of this scent in the air. It was like sugar cane and sweet apples. It made me look around for the source.
I managed to struggle free of the sheets which felt like a straitjacket getting tighter every time I tried to pull it away from my naked body. I maneuvered my body until I was touching the warm floor with my bare toes. I stood and grabbed onto the bed frame for support. The walls were stark white, and there was a brilliant light coming from outside blinding me and making me cover my eyes from the burning effect to my retina.
There was a spread on the table of some fine delicacies which made me hunger for a taste. Lobster cracked down the middle with the meat seeping from within its shell calling for attention with a garlic butter that made it much more appetizing. A steak which took me back to the days when my father was barbecuing in the backyard. It was perfectly cooked; just the way I would have wanted it to be. It had that pink center, and the juices were still making it mouthwatering and quite something to behold.
There was a balcony. There was the sound of rushing water, but there was no visible door I could see. The walls were plain with no decorations or photos, and suddenly there was one of my dogs. It was like I had brought Pepper to life all over again in that canvas. It was so lifelike I could almost reach out and touch it. I moved my fingers towards the painting and Pepper turned and looked in my direction. I took a step forward with my hands still outstretched and then his tongue made contact with my fingers like it was only yesterday he was brought in after being found stranded on our doorstep.
The only thing that was strange about him was that his collar was studded with diamonds and rubies. There was no way I could afford something like this back in the day and neither could my father. It was weird and comforting to see something familiar, but then I turned my attention to the sound coming from the balcony.
I felt a little exposed and vulnerable in a way that had me looking around for anything to cover the shame of my nudity. I saw a colorful robe and put it on. It was like a fluffy cloud enveloping me in its warmth. It had the logo of Robeworks. This was the kind you would find in any high-end spa. I was in the lap of luxury. I could have died happy, and then it dawned on me maybe this was heaven. That somehow the procedure didn’t work, and I was to wander aimlessly like a ghostly apparition. It didn’t feel like this was the hand of God. It felt like I was in purgatory waiting for where I was going to go next.
This robe was an original. I had seen it in a catalog. I knew it cost more than I could ever come up with. This was made for comfort, and it was like all of my favorite things I remembered growing up emerged out of my mind to become a reality.
A woman was standing on the balcony wearing all white, looking like an angel sent down to guide me to the promised land. There was something about her, it seemed like we had met in the past. I walked to the threshold, feeling a little faint and needing to grab a glass of chilled water which was suddenly there in my hand. I let the ice cube touch my lips, and it reminded me everything here was more than it should be. I could drink as much as I wanted and the glass never emptied. I spied the lobster and scooped up some of the meat from the tail. I dipped it into the still steaming garlic butter and put it to my lips. It sent me instantly to a small Boston seafood place my parents had brought me on vacation one year.
Everything about this place was a reminder of pieces from my past; they were pleasant memories. There was nothing here to give me a bad taste in my mouth. The garlic complemented the lobster and seeped into the meat to give it a unique flavor of its own. I sat down and slid the fork and the knife into the meat like it was nothing. It split down in the middle. I brought one piece into my mouth, and I could literally see the time in my life where a very memorable date had taken me to this steakhouse. He was surprised by how I had devoured a 20-ounce rib eye and left nothing on my plate afterward to make it look like I was some dainty salad eating flower.
There was a glass of wine. One taste and I was back in the Napa Valley at a wine tasting which had put a smile on my face and left me a little giddy. The wine consumed was making my head swim. That was the night when I consummated my relationship with the boy who had taken me to the steakhouse. I thought he was the one. That was before the memory of his cheating ways. I saw the cheesecake, and that was a comfort food I was drawn to when painful memories would keep me up at night tossing and turning in the sheets.
I remembered the woman out on the balcony. I had gotten sidetracked by the food and the wine which didn’t seem to give me the same feeling of walking on air. I had no visible effect from the consumption of the liquor. I must have had a hollow leg. I devoured the steak and tore into the lobster as if it was my last meal. After I was finished, I turned away from the table and then looked back to see everything was there again. The steak had not changed, and the lobster was mocking me like it was daring me to take another bite. This wasn’t real. I needed to find a way to get out of here. The panic set in before I took a deep breath and convinced myself I had nothing to worry about. It was a mantra I played over and over in my head with visions of Tristan keeping me from screaming
in a way that would wake up the dead.
“I know it’s hard for you to understand, but everything here is because of your making. Your mind conjured all of this. I have to admit you do have some refined tastes,” the woman said as she turned with the light blinding me. I was not able to recognize the mystery woman who was speaking to me.
“I’m going to ask the obvious question. Am I dead?” I said hoping the answer was going to be negative but prepared it was time to move on to the next phase in my life.
“That is a difficult question to answer. Death is relative. There are several different kinds, and right now you are on the precipice of making a tough decision. I’m here because they wanted me to be here to show you the way to salvation is through the gates. They expect me to convince you to come with me, but I’m not going to do that. That is your decision to make. The one thing I can do is to remind you that you have a lot to live for. I don’t have to tell you this. You already know it.” This woman said as she came out of the light and the beauty standing in front of me brought silent tears to my eyes. It was my mother.
“I want to believe you are really here, but how can I when everything else isn’t? I have to admit this whole thing has taken me by surprise. Something is nagging at me. I sense somebody wants me to go back and there’s this pull which has me wanting to turn away from you. How can I do that when I have been blinded by the light of your angelic vision? I’ve missed you more than you can ever imagine. I have talked to you from time to time, and I could only hope you could hear me. Is that even possible, or am I just wasting my time? What is the meaning of life?” I asked as she broke down in hysterics and laughed like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard.
