by Anna Collins
He was pulling me further away from what I knew of myself. It was a fine line between love and hate.
“When you are alone tonight, Lucy, I want you to remember what Daniel did. That is the kind of kiss that every woman wants and you had the honor of having both of these guys service you in this way. If I were you, I would count yourself lucky that Devlin doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body.” Angelica said as she eyed the two guys.
Tomorrow was another day, but I had no idea how I would feel when I opened my eyes and realized what kind of trick they had pulled.
“I don’t think that it was right for you to force me into something that I didn’t ask for,” I said as I continued to hold the sheet against me.
Angelica walked over to the bed. She looked down at me with the expression of somebody that was going to school the child.
“You have to know that he would never take you for granted. You may see this, as some kind of betrayal, but can you honestly say that you would have welcomed it with open arms. If they had suggested anything of the sort, you would have told them with no reservation that you weren’t ready for something like that. It’s easier to forgive than to ask for permission.”
There was something on my mind and it couldn’t wait.
“You did that without any warning and I’m tired of having my feelings ignored.” I should’ve been able to tell them that I was ready and I would gladly give them the night to change my mind. Dancing to that tune was a different melody and one that I didn’t feel like doing.” I had no idea how long Daniel had been down there, but he had certainly made a lasting impression.
“I’m sorry that you feel that we did something wrong, but I think that you’ll see that it was for your own good.” Angelica said as she caressed my cheek with her hand.
I vowed that I would keep them away from me, but how long I was going to be able to fight that feeling was anybody’s guess. I was constantly looking over my shoulder never quite knowing what Devlin was going to pull next. It was kind of interesting to be in that position, but I didn’t want to believe that days could become years. Moments disappear, but tonight time stood still.
“Daniel, you basically took advantage of me while I was sleeping and for that you should be ashamed of yourself. With that being said, I will admit and you’re very good. You’ll only hear me say this once.” I didn’t want to feed his ego, but I thought that I would give them a glimmer of hope that I was coming around.
I was petrified that they really were going to leave and never come back. I really didn’t know what I was signing up for and maybe if I did, I would’ve thought differently about it. Being here in the now was making me start to believe that I was capable of a whole lot more than I thought I was.
“The one thing that you need to know is that you’re not trapped and this is your chance to be something more. This thing between you and I is really happening. I would never say the L word. I don’t think that I could ever feel that way about any woman ever again.” Devlin could say that, but his eyes told me a different story.
“If you think that this was something, then you haven’t seen anything yet. Devlin has always been a man of different faces. He suffers for his art. Not taking his medication allows him to live in that moment of sheer bliss. He may seem temperamental, but that’s his way. It’s something that you’re going to have to get used to. It helps that he uses meditation and yoga poses to keep his mind from truly going someplace darker than necessary.” Angelica talked about him like she knew what to expect.
That was indeed a scary thought.
I was under the mistaken impression that I needed a man to sweep me off my feet.
“Angelica, you might know what this feels like and you’ve probably been subjected to this yourself. This is a strange way for him to show his affections. I’m going to need time to think about things. Give me some space. I really don’t like people telling me how to feel.”
I was thinking out loud and saying what was on my mind. There were times that I didn’t have a filter. What I needed to say would blurt out. I wanted him to remember my name. He saw the woman on the outside, but he didn’t see what was between the covers. He was making up his own rules and drawing conclusions that I had wanted this. I suppose by coming here that I gave him the opening to push the envelope.
“I appreciate that you speak your mind, but there is always something for quiet solitude. I’ll see you at breakfast in the morning and I do hope that you will give us all the benefit of the doubt. We don’t do this for ourselves. You may not believe that, but it’s true. We get more pleasure out of unleashing the inner animal from within a subject. Daniel and Angelica have both been where you are, except that I have always come to my subjects and not the other way around.” Devlin moved down the hallway without saying anything more.
He had apparently said his peace and wasn’t about to stay around to be chastised.
Daniel didn’t say anything either, leaving me with Angelica still standing there looking at me like I was this specimen underneath the microscope.
Chapter 15
“I think that you should leave. I think in your own way that you’re trying to help, but it’s only doing the opposite of what you intended. I am not this open sexually. I can’t just throw caution to the wind. Devlin has this way of making me think that what is wrong is right. I don’t even know if that makes any sense.”
“Believe me, I understand where you’re coming from, Lucy. I felt the same way the first time. These things have to be taken slowly. I find it fascinating to help people become fully aware of themselves under the teachings of Devlin. I will tell you that he seems to have an affection for you that goes beyond just wanting his next masterpiece. He probably doesn’t even know it himself.”
“Who was this past love of his?” I should’ve been asking Devlin, but I doubted that I was going to get an open and honest answer.
This was my way of fishing for information and I had no problems asking Angelica for a few tidbits of wisdom when it concerned Devlin. I saw the pain in his eyes, but I also saw a brief flicker of light. He was still this mysterious artist, but there was a method to his, so called madness. What I had learned already was enough to make most people run and never look back.
“I would love to tell you everything that you want to know, but this is a story that is best left to the author. He needs to tell you this himself and he will in time. What you need to do most of all is to be open and ready to march to a different drum.” She said as she looked back to make sure that Devlin had really gone.
I had heard about bipolar personalities and how they can lose themselves in their own world. He had done that by painting my body. I’d seen it for myself and it was an eye opening experience.
“I don’t know how much more I can take of this. It’s only been one day and already he has done things to me that have never crossed my mind.” I really didn’t want to elaborate any further.
It really wasn’t any of her business. I had no idea how much she knew. It was possible that Angelica and Devlin shared everything and that my story was like an open book to her. I would hope that he had the good sense for discretion.
“This is not an easy journey to take and for some, it does leave them a different person. The warmth and comfort of who you were before are hard to let go. Don’t worry; I’m sure that we will be able to break you free of those chains.” She was talking like she was a part of this.
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but what had already happened was something that made me feel like I was walking in somebody else’s shoes. Having him take me like that last night and then feeling like I was there for their amusement at dinner was definitely taking off the kid gloves.
“I came here under false pretenses. He told me that he wanted me to be his subject. He never even mentioned anything about what has happened already or what he thinks is going to happen next. I’ve been tested. I know that what I need to do is to hold onto my faith. It’s hard to do with him and e
ven harder when he brings in reinforcements.”
She walked back to the doorway and then turned and said something that made me wonder what she meant.
“You’ve only just begun. This is not your typical kind of awakening. You have no idea what is going to happen next. You’re going to need your rest.” Her smile seemed, so simple, but yet there was an underlying meaning that I didn’t fully comprehend.
I had discovered things about me that made me look back and wonder how it was that I was able to do any of it.
There was no way that I could sleep and I got up and went downstairs to find myself curled up with a good book. For some reason, I found that I identified with the character. The woman was of a mild nature and this charismatic young man with dimples to match had decided to corner her one day. He whispered something into her ear in public that made her eyes grow wide. The reader, namely myself had to wonder what those words were that made her take a step back.
The book in question was that of a manuscript that was lying there looking to be read. I had no idea who the author was. The title was Seduction 101. It kind of reminded me of those other books. That one series captured the world, but it didn’t compare to the ones that were written today. The writing was subpar and really didn’t capture the emotion of the moment. There were several known writers, but there were also several unknown writers that had yet to be recognized for their work.
Whoever had penned this story was somebody that was uniquely aware of their effect on others. I began to believe that maybe Devlin himself was the one that sat here and made this creation with his bare hands. His thoughts laid bare like that was daring me to open it up and reveal his secrets.
One passage alone made me feel like he was talking about me. This character could have been represented by that of my own name. With each word that crossed over my vision, I became vividly aware that this was his way of giving voice to his inner thoughts. That one passage stuck with me, almost like one of those quotes that were made in movies that you would remember forever.
“I see her as a work in progress. There’s no way that she can walk away without finding out more about herself. I have the blueprints to her pleasure and I’m going to show her what it is to drop the pretense. She’s in the process of a spiritual awakening. This will open her up to a new way of living. She’ll never have to feel ashamed of her feelings or of those fantasies that keep her up at night.” They had a ring of truth to them. By the time that I closed that book, I felt like I had read about me.
I think I knew that the library would be someplace that I would spend a lot of my time. I wasn’t sure why it was necessary. The world that I knew was changing all around me and that simple comfort of losing oneself in the pages was everything to me.
It had taken a lot out of me and I think that was courtesy of the words on every page. With each glimpse into this woman’s life, I became invested in seeing how she was going to make this work.
I looked back one time and I was tempted to grab that manuscript and take it upstairs to finish it. I was aware that this was his mind at work. His creativity did not just fall on the canvas.
I was barely moving like the hands of a clock. I stopped every so often to look around and wonder how I had gotten myself into this. I remembered when I was cold and looking in. I never used to mind it, but maybe I was only fooling myself. Those things that were out of my reach were now easily attainable.
The only thing that I could hear was my own breath and the beating of my heart. Everything was this very clear silence. I felt like I was treading water, but somehow he had thrown me something to hold onto. I was trying to do my best to fight against the current, but every time that I thought that I was in control something below would pull me down. My feet didn’t touch the ground.
The one thing that I found strange was that there were no family photos. There wasn’t even anything that would tell me who this woman was. I found myself moving back down the stairs and then going into his studio after hours. I knew that I shouldn’t be there and I promised myself that I would wait to see it when his creation was completed.
The canvas was no longer on the floor and it was back on the easel. It was covered with a light white sheet, but with one flick of my wrist, I could get a peek at the way that he saw me. I didn’t notice before, but there were other easels with other creations covered in sheets.
I was actually immersing myself into the naughty side of my personality. I could run and try to hide, but there was nothing that I could do about how he was going to act from one moment to the next.
Taking a deep breath, I unveiled that first creation to see a beautiful woman with spun gold hair. Her dress was virginal white and had this sense of something that you would see back in the 1850s.
This must’ve been the image that haunted him every day. His brush strokes captured the innocence of the woman. The little sparkle in her eyes showed the kind of love and devotion that she shared with him without reservation.
I wanted the same thing for myself. With each one that I uncovered, I saw a different side of Devlin. There was the innocent virginal white dress and then there were the ones that screamed obscene. It was like I was seeing her getting in touch with those fantasies that she had never voiced.
There was one covered in dust in the corner. It was almost like it was mocking me. I knew that it was wrong for me to be here without him, but I just couldn’t help it. He could only blame himself for my curiosity. I knew the old saying about curiosity killing the cat, but I really didn’t pay it much mind.
I actually found my hand shaking. I gripped the bottom of the sheet that was covering one of the only two that I hadn’t seen. I wasn’t going to look at the one of myself, so this was going to have to be the next best thing.
The rhythm of my heart was beating like a drum and I felt like my mouth was dry like that of the Sahara desert. I slowly pulled up the sheet revealing the same red slinky dress that he had got me into that first sitting. I hoped that he wasn’t trying to replace her memory. I didn’t think that it was possible. We were very different people.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly through my mouth. The way that he felt for her was seen easily through his emotions on the canvas in front of me. She had her hands crossed over her chest defiantly. She didn’t look at all comfortable in her own skin. I think that we had that in common. Her raw sexuality was alive and in this position, she appeared to be cross with him.
Swallowing hard, I lifted the entire thing off to a cloud of dust that obscured my vision for a second. I had to wait until that dust settled and then everything became clear. My mouth was open with agape of shock at seeing her face slashed. Her body was still intact, but that smile that I’d come to know had been turned into something ugly.
I heard the door slam and I literally jumped 3 feet into the air. I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar and what he intended to do about it was anybody’s guess.
Chapter 16
I knew that when I went into this that I was going to be testing my limits, but I never really knew how much. Devlin was under the impression that he was the one that was teaching me. I think for the most part it was true. I had done things already that I had never fathomed in my life. Things that would have made a grown woman blush in obvious embarrassment for her actions.
I was standing there in his studio knowing that I had been forbidden to come in here after hours. This was my chance to rebel, but seeing that face ripped to ribbons by what looked like a knife was a little jarring in itself.
I heard the footsteps approaching. I shook uncontrollably in fear of some kind of retaliation for my misbehavior. I had my eyes closed like some sort of coward. I had already seen what he was capable of when he was the one in control. What exactly would happen when he felt like somebody had betrayed his trust?
“I thought that you might be a naughty girl. I didn’t think that you were foolish enough to take that curiosity into his studio,” Angelica said, as she stood behind
me and made me feel intimidated.
“I hope that you’re not going to tell him,” I said while wondering what I was going to have to do to keep her mouth shut.
“This little lapse of judgment can be our little secret, but there will obviously be a cost.” She had said those words like it was a threat, but I knew that she was only stating a fact.
“I had a feeling that might be how this was going to work. I really don’t want him to know that I was here or that I discovered his dark secret. I would say that he lost himself when she died.” I didn’t want to make any assumptions, but I was starting to get a good feel for who Devlin really was.
He was an artist that had suffered a terrible loss. He translated that into works of art. He had this way of pushing past what most people would consider normal behavior.
“Lucy, I’m not going to ask for much and I think that what I have in mind is reasonable under the circumstances. If he were to find out what you did here, I believe in my heart that he would rip up the contract and send you on your way.” Angelica was laying out the possible punishment for what I had done.
