The woman hoisted the two platters of chicken and balanced them precariously on two hands. Just as she was about to shove her way out through the double doors, Pam whirled and asked, “How can you resent Seth being here?” She dropped the sprayer in the sink. “How can you talk about punishment when that boy’s already in so much pain?”
Chicken Lady went pale. Apparently she hadn’t expected anyone to challenge her idle gossip. The platters bobbled in her hands. She looked for a place to set them down but couldn’t find anywhere to leave them.
“What happened up there that night was an accident,” Pam said. “That poor boy is devastated. And I admire him a great deal for wanting to be here.”
The woman held the doors open with her behind. “Look,” she said. “This chicken needs to go out on the table.”
“We’ve already lost one kid over this,” Pam said. “If you make Seth Wynn go through more than he’s already going through, then we’re going to lose another. Is that what you want?”
The kitchen volunteers had stopped working to listen. Hilary stood with her eyes closed, her hand over her heart. How could this be Pam? Standing up for Hilary’s son! Her knees went weak, she was so grateful to Pam for supporting him. It would have been so easy for Pam to grab another victory here, to make sure that Hilary had been the one nailed with defeat.
Pam said, “You mustn’t single him out like he was the only cause of what happened. At least three dozen kids out there happened to be at that party. It could have been any of them, any of them.”
Chicken Lady figured it out. “Of course you’d say that. You’re his stepmother, aren’t you?”
Hilary joined in. “He is a young man who has to live with this the rest of his life. Maybe Seth was at the wrong place doing the wrong thing, but so were a lot of others.”
“I’m sorry,” the lady said. “I didn’t realize you were family.”
“Everyone out there in this community is family,” Pam said. “When there’s a young man out there and he’s taking this so hard, how dare you make it worse for him?”
When Hilary left the cart and glasses behind and went in search of Seth, she couldn’t find him. He wasn’t anywhere around. She tried the sanctuary again, where she thought she might find him sitting, staring at Laura’s picture. She tried the patio outside where the teens had gathered. Remy greeted her. Ian waved. Several of the girls offered hugs and said they were glad she was there. “No,” they said in unison when she asked. They didn’t know where to find Seth. They hadn’t seen him in a while.
As Hilary climbed the stairs and squinted down the length of a dark, deserted hallway, she called, “Seth? You here?”
She considered the likelihood that he’d fled after Pam’s tirade in the kitchen. She was thinking, yes, Seth needed protection, but it wasn’t the sort of flailing, offended defense Pam had been offering. And it wasn’t the misdirected duty Eric wanted to heap upon the two of them as parents. The only thing Seth and Hilary could rely on was the quiet, strong safeguard of the Lord. The Heavenly Father would be there for them, however they needed him.
Hilary’s voice echoed down the empty corridor. She tried dozens of doors lining the hallway. She searched each room that wasn’t locked. She asked everyone she knew if they’d run into Seth since the service.
Downstairs she found Emily huddled among a group of girlfriends, with hands shoved into sweater pockets and mascara smudged beneath her eyes like two bruises. She was biting her bottom lip and jiggling her knees and Hilary knew, even from this far away, that she was only pretending to be a part of the conversation. She stood there with her head bowed, her weight balanced on the balls of her feet, sort of bouncing her knees to keep from crying.
Hilary had no choice but to break into the circle. She gripped Emily’s shoulders. “Em? Honey, have you seen Seth?”
Emily looked at Hilary like she was holding her breath underwater. It was Hilary’s question that broke through to the surface, forced Emily to take a gasp of air. “He isn’t here.”
Hilary froze. Emily knew something. Hilary’s chest knifed with fear. “Did he leave? Where did he go?”
But Emily was shaking her head.
“Did he tell you?”
Emily bit her lip so hard that Hilary saw flecks of blood oozing to the surface.
“Em, how long has he been gone?”
Emily shook her head, helpless, didn’t speak.
“Emily, please. You’ve got to tell me, sweetie. For Seth’s sake.”
She opened her mouth to answer and, as quick as that, she was bawling, huge swallows of air — that sort of jagged hoarse weeping that, when you see it, makes you wonder if someone can even breathe.
“He…made me…promise.”
By now all the young women, Class of 2011, had realized they had another friend in trouble. They were quick to surround Emily, to place a reassuring hand on her elbow, to draw the circle closed around her.
“Something he…had…to…do.”
Hilary had a wad of Kleenex in her pocket. She handed the girl several. Emily clutched them inside her fist as if she didn’t have any idea what to do with them.
“He made you promise, Emily? What did he make you promise?”
Emily gripped her arm. “He wanted to go out there again. I told him…it was…crazy.”
“Where, Emily? Where did he go?”
“That awful place —”
“The —” Hilary felt like she’d just been hit in the chest with a club. Seth was on his way to the campsite.
“I don’t know why he —”
“Is that where he’s gone, Emily?” Hilary was frantic. “Has he gone to the place where Laura fell?”
Emily nodded.
Hilary wheeled for the door. Emily grabbed her by the arm. “I want to go with you.” Just as they were leaving, Eric and Pam came into the room.
“Eric?” Hilary asked. “Have you seen Seth?”
“No. I haven’t. Isn’t he here?”
“Emily thinks he’s left. That this was —” Hilary didn’t say the rest: Too much for him.
“Is the truck still in the parking lot?” Pam asked. “Have you looked?”
“It isn’t there,” Emily said, tears pooling in her eyes. “I was already out there looking for him. I wanted to talk to him and tell him not to go. To make sure he was okay. But I remember where he parked it this morning. He’s gone.”
“I’ll get my purse,” Pam said.
“I’ll drive,” Eric said.
Hilary still had her sleeves rolled up from helping in the church kitchen. She took a deep breath and started to run. Together they steeled themselves for whatever would come next.
Emily knew how to get to the campsite and so did Hilary, because she’d driven past the turnoff only days before. The whole time they were headed toward the state park, they were driving farther into the thornbush, weaving through stands of water-worn limestone and billows of shrubs, Hilary stared out the window without seeing anything. I committed my case to you that night on the schooner; I’ve left it with you. I don’t have to ask anything more of you. Seth belongs to you; he’s in your hands.
Emily was giving them quiet directions: “Take a left up here.” “It’s the second right.” “After you pass this next sign, it’s three miles to the camping area.” The left-turn signal clicked off after Eric made the turn. He braked as they approached the sign. Emily was leaning forward, pointing toward the curve in the road. “Once we veer to the right, we ought to be able to see the bluff.”
The parkway changed course and the scrub brush thickened. Rising above the brushwood was a precipice that resembled a giant rotund troll crouching over the horizon. The butte was not all crags and sharp outcroppings as Hilary had expected. It was a gathering of mammoth, once-undetached stones fraught with fissures and crevices, separated by rock faces that had been worn smooth as baby bottoms by some ancient sea. The closer they got, the higher the ridge towered overhead.
S
eth had left his truck at the entrance. Only it wasn’t like he had parked, exactly. The truck had been left in a spot with its windows rolled down and its tires cocked into the turn, as if Seth had leaped from the seat in a panic, trying to escape something.
Eric was the first out. “Seth!” He shaded his eyes. His own voice, calling his son’s name, echoed back at him from the far distance.
“Seth!
“Seth!”
Pam clutched Eric’s forearm. “Do you see him?”
“Where do I even look? How big is that thing? I had no idea.”
Emily stood beside the fence and pointed. She knew the route. “That’s where they started up last time.”
“Seth!” Eric hollered again.
And just like that, Hilary caught herself telling her ex-husband, “Don’t shout. Don’t distract him.” Because she saw a dark asterisk against the slick rock face and knew it was her son.
He was climbing without any rope or harness. With arms outstretched, he moved sideways and melted into grainy shadow. Seth had found a break in the cliff, an ungainly scar where he could stand.
Eric rushed to the wall and searched in vain for a handhold. He set his foot into a notch and started to follow Seth. He slid down after three steps. He jumped the rest of the way to the ground. “How did they do that?”
“Don’t try it,” Hilary said. “You can’t rescue him, Eric. He’s got to do this on his own.”
“I ought to be able to help him,” Eric said. “I’m his father.”
“But you can’t,” Pam said. “Not with this.”
Eric and Hilary held each other’s hands as Seth checked his footing and continued. Once, Seth slipped and Hilary gasped. He landed in a tangle of roots and brambles, two-thirds of the way up. It seemed forever before he screwed up the courage to start heading vertical again.
Pam said, “I don’t know how to do anything except compete with people. My sisters and I, we were verbally sparring all the time. We were always after each other. I never wanted to compete with you, Hilary.”
Hilary couldn’t tell how long they stood there, helpless, as they watched Seth climb again. “It’s hurting Seth,” Hilary said. “It hurt him when his father left. It’s hurting him because I won’t let go of my bitterness.”
“I know that,” Pam said.
“He is a part of your family. He wants to be.”
Pam touched Hilary’s arm, was silent.
Hilary didn’t flinch away. “He was angry at Eric for leaving. He was angry for a long time. But he adores your kids. It would make him happy to be comfortable with you, Pam. But he hasn’t been willing to do it because he’s been protecting me.”
Seth moved hand over hand and searched, often in vain, for footholds. From where she watched, Hilary knew he must be fighting frustration as his muscles grew weak. He lost his grip again and, this time, Hilary, Eric, Pam, and Emily scurried backward as loose scree and pebbles bounded toward their heads. Seth didn’t notice. That was when Hilary sensed Seth’s herculean focus. With grim determination, he moved horizontally across the rock. His every motion had become firm and able. He wasn’t going to fall.
Each time his hand found a hold, the motion was sure and swift. Each time Seth’s knee angled or his leg swung sideways, he made his move with elegance. The steep-sided precipice might be Seth’s enemy, but he was clinging to it however he could, each groping step and each slight swivel of balance another small defeat of the hill.
“I was already pregnant with Lily when Eric left you.” Pam watched Seth, strong and proud, as he conquered the final slope. “There have been times I think he’s regretted your divorce, Hilary. And my whole life, I’ll have to wonder whether he left you because he loved me more, or because I was having a baby.”
“You can’t go forward while you’re looking backward,” Hilary said. “You have to trust what the next step will bring.”
Emily, who had been standing separate from them, wrapped her arms around Hilary. Hilary draped an arm around Emily and drew the girl close.
Pam said, “I’ve tried to do everything I could to feel more sure of myself around you.”
Hilary let out a wry laugh. “Don’t you think it should have been the other way around?”
“Maybe.” Pam shrugged. “But who’s to say how pain manifests itself between two women who have loved the same man?” Pam smiled at Emily. “You know how to do this so well, Hilary. You have all these special young people in your life. That’s another thing to make me envious.”
Hilary said, “We’re hurting Seth unless we can come to some truce between us. We ought to try to do that.”
Seth reached the top and disappeared from view for three maddening seconds. Briefly he stood beneath the tree that was on top of the ledge, and then he glanced over and spotted them. Hilary could see his shoulders heaving. He sat down, and he was satisfied. His feet dangled in empty air.
Chapter 26
Maybe it was fitting that Pam and Hilary found themselves standing beneath the Picasso they both loved, the much-maligned gift from the master artist. It stood in Daley Plaza, the piece of work that some Chi-Town residents, even all these years after it had been presented to the city, would never quite comprehend.
Hilary felt Pam’s eyes on her. Hilary crossed her arms and trained her gaze on the metal statue. “I lost Seth in a swimming pool once. He almost drowned. He was scared to go down the waterslide. I told him I would hold him in my lap and he would be safe. He thought I would drop him, but I told him I’d hang on for dear life, that there was no way he would get away from me.”
Pam met Hilary’s gaze.
“I promised him I wouldn’t let go. I told him that, as long as he was with me, he’d be okay. But we hit that current at the bottom and he flew out of my arms. All that water was rushing out of the tube and pushing me under and I couldn’t find him. The lifeguard had to jump in and pull him out.”
Pam said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with another baby.” She shook her head. “When Lily got potty-trained, I thought I was finished with diapers, you know?”
“You’ll do fine,” Hilary said. “You’ll have a great time watching all those late-night movies. The Revenge of the Ants. That sort of thing.”
After a moment, Pam said, “You had all the first things with Eric. You know how jealous I am of that.”
Hilary looked at Pam.
“His first wedding. His first time making love with his wife. His first son.”
“But look at you,” Hilary reminded her. She placed a hand on Pam’s belly where the baby was growing. “You’re able to give him so much now. You both have a chance to make this really work. You have years left ahead with your children. For me, that time is gone. But now I’ll have time to myself. Time to figure out what the next step might be.” She smiled. “Another season. Another calling. We’ll see.”
Pam met Hilary’s eyes. So, the two of them came to honesty. Together, they were the Father’s pieces of artwork. “Everything’s starting for you, Pam. While I’m learning how to let go.”
Eric, Pam, and the kids were scheduled to leave town in an hour. But before they went, Seth was intent on getting Ben in the front driveway again to shoot hoops. “Can’t go yet,” Seth told his dad. “This kid’s got to practice his chest-high passes before he takes off.”
Eric was in the kitchen filling the cooler with ice. Pam was checking the cabinets to make sure she wasn’t leaving Tupperware containers behind. Hilary was keeping an eye on Lily as she toted her doll Ivy around the front yard. Lily had grown fond of Hilary. She had even begged her parents to let her spend the night at Seth’s house last night and Pam had agreed. Now Pam had also given permission for Ivy to go wading in the cement birdbath in the garden.
Lily was holding Ivy’s hands. Just as she dipped the doll’s bare feet into the water, an unfamiliar car drove up and parked at the curb.
Seth dribbled the ball and bounced it toward Ben. The car door opened. Ben passed the ball t
o Seth, but the ball ricocheted off Seth’s T-shirt. Seth wasn’t paying attention to the game anymore. Abigail Moore was standing in the street. Hilary swept Lily and Ivy into her arms and headed toward their guest. But then Hilary stopped. Seth handed Ben the ball and told him to practice his shots. Abigail took three steps toward Hilary’s son.
Seth’s face had gone pale. He just stood there.
“Hello, Seth.” Abigail closed the gap between them. She held a grocery sack toward him.
Seth eyed her with suspicion. It took him a good thirty seconds before he asked, “What’s that?”
She jiggled the sack at him. “I want you to have it.”
Gingerly, Seth took the bag from her. The item inside was enfolded in newsprint. It was rather large. Seth didn’t take his eyes from Abigail’s face as he peeled away the layers of paper.
Abigail said, “It’s from her yard-art portfolio. It’s one of the pieces that helped her get the scholarship. Laura told me just before graduation that you really liked this one.”
Seth’s hands paused. He stared at Laura’s mother. “I can’t take this.” His nose had gone red. “You don’t want to do this,” he told her.
“Who says I don’t?”
“I do.”
“Well, you’re wrong.”
The last of the wrapping fell away. Seth lifted Laura’s sculpture in the flat of his two hands as if the metal might sear him. “Yeah, I told her how much I liked this one. Her stuff is…was really great.”
Seth held the piece toward Laura’s mother, trying to get her to take it back.
His Other Wife Page 22
