Jas: All the better for snorting with!
Polly: Okay, Crazelope. That is a combination of Crazy plus an antelope.
Roxy: What’s mine? I want it to be something like Snarlufflepagus. Snarly plus Snuffleupagus.
Jas: But you aren’t snarl—
Roxy: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Jas: Okay, Snarlufflepagus.
26
Polly: Just so you know, I will personally kill you if you let anything like this happen to you again. You do realize that someone shot at you.
Jas: I didn’t hear any shot and no one else seems to have noticed. Are you le positive?
Tom: I found this.
Jas: What is it?
Tom: I’m pretty sure it’s a BB pellet from a BB air gun. Which is why there was no sound.
Jas: Could you tell what direction it came from? Or get any idea who shot it?
Tom: After you, uh, went down, I watched for anyone taking off extra fast like you told me to when we were looking for that Robin Hood of the Circus guy last year, but no one did. In fact, like you said, no one seemed to notice, so no one budged.
Jas: Clever.
Tom: Yeah. The only people in the square were—
Jas: A mime, a nun, an old man, and some schoolchildren.
Roxy: We can rule out the mime because I was talking to him. His name is Davos.
Jas: I so hope this doesn’t mean what I think it means.
Roxy: Davos♥ is Greek. I like Greek food. He says his mother is a very good cook.
Tom: Did you see the heart?
Jas: I’m hoping if we ignore it they will go away.
Tom: Good plan. Ignoring.
Jas: Roxy, I thought mimes weren’t supposed to talk.
Roxy: ♥Davos♥ made an exception for me. He has a lovely voice.
Tom: Ignoring really, really hard.
Polly: Hello? Team? Can we get back to how someone tried to kill our Jas?
Jas: BB guns don’t kill people, P. People with real guns kill people. If it was only a BB, then they were just trying to scare me.
Polly: That makes me feel much better.
Jas: It makes me pissed. Mr. T wouldn’t stand for this. They’re toying with me. Like a cat toy!
Polly: I just thought of a Little Life Lesson! Polly’s Little Life
Lesson: If you find yourself mad that you were not shot at with a real gun, seek professional help.
Jas: On the other hand, there would be no reason to scare me if I hadn’t gotten close to something. And since I was shot at near Prada, I could assume it was something I had—or could have— Iearned there. So actually, it’s a good thing.
Polly: Polly’s Little Life Lesson 2: Also, if anything about being shot at makes you happy.
Jas: Ho ho and also ho. Um, Roxy, what are you doing?
Roxy: Practicing my mime moves. Guess what I’m saying.
Tom: “You promised me a gelato but I have seen neither hide nor hair of it as of yet”?
Roxy: Exactly! ♥♥Davos♥♥ said I might be a natural.
Tom: Not. Working.
Jas: “You promised me a gelato but I have seen neither hide nor hair of it as of yet” would make a great song title.
Polly: Not to introduce a trivial note, but I don’t suppose after being shot at you’re ready to turn over everything Arabella gave you to the police and forget all about the investigation?
Jas: Sure, okay.
Polly: Sure, okay? Just like that? No arguing?
Jas: No. By the way, who is Lucien Wilder?
Polly: Don’t try to change the—wait, did you say Lucien Wilder?
Jas: Yeah. He’s someone famous, right?
Polly: He’s only a fashion legend and my idol. You know that, Jas.
Jas: Oh. Well, we were just invited to have dinner with him tonight.
Polly: What?!?
Jas: Just us and a few other people. Is it healthy for your eyes to pop out like that?
Polly: We were invited to an intimate dinner with Lucien Wilder? We have to go!
Jas: I’m glad you think so.
Polly: Why?
Jas: I just like to make you happy. Hey, what is Roxy doing now?
Polly: I believe that is “Doesn’t Jas’s Behavior Seem Suspicious?”
Roxy: No, it was—
Jas: Love to chat but Bobby’s off the phone. Excuse me.
27Roxy: I’ve been thinking. Maybe instead of trying to figure out who killed Mr. Neal or how, we should be looking at why.
Polly: What do you mean “why”?
Roxy: Well, you know how in movies a group of adventurous people will band together to try to steal a huge gem from the eye socket of an Incan idol? And then one of them makes off with it, leaving the others there to die? But one of the others always lives and comes back in disguise to exact a bloody revenge? That seems like a good idea to explore.
Tom: I’m not clear on that use of the phrase “good idea.” Or how you’re going to explore it.
Roxy: I’m going to ask probing yet subtle questions.
Tom: Ah. Of course.
Polly: What are some of your other ideas, Rox? And Tom, try to hold the pants straight while I’m cutting.
Roxy: What if his butler has a really beautiful daughter, and Mr. Neal had his way with her and got her pregnant and there’s an illegitimate child and now the butler has decided to exact a bloody revenge?
Tom: If he has a butler. Also his death wasn’t bloody. Polly, are you sure cutting the legs off Jas’s leather pants is a good idea?
Polly: One hundred percent le positive.
Roxy: Bloody revenge is just a figure of speech. Okay, what if Mr. Neal was part of an ancient blood cult and had decided to spill its secrets so they—
Tom: Exacted a bloody revenge?
Roxy: Now you’re cooking with gas! And of course there’s the Russian Mafia angle.
Tom: Of course. They are famous for their figurative bloody revenge exacting.
Roxy: Or maybe someone stood to make a lot of money on the stock market if he died.
Polly: Those are all really great ideas, Rox, and I will be aflutter to see what your subtle probing reveals. But truthfully, I’m more worried about Bobby Neal.
Roxy: What do you mean?
Polly: He could have been the shooter today. Like maybe instead of running away, he ran toward Jas, covering his tracks in reverse.
Tom: He doesn’t exactly seem like the type to think of that.
Roxy: That’s EXACTLY the type!
Polly: He could also have been the one who hit Jas over the head.
Tom: You mean the first time.
Roxy: Ha!
Polly: Pretend I am laughing. But he could have been. He was in the right place to follow Jas when she left Arabella’s. It all fits.
Tom: What do you want to do?
Polly: I say we should Be On Our Guard. Also Watchful. But I don’t think we should tell Jas. She has enough to worry about.
Jas: What are you guys talking about?
Roxy: Nothing, sweetie. Were you able to get Arabella’s prints?
Jas: Yeah, I’ve got two good ones. I did her phone too. Unfortunately, they all match the ones we found on the pen.
Roxy: Great!
Jas: No, le bad. It means the prints on the pen are Arabella’s. Which means we don’t have anything on the killer. What are you hiding behind your back?
Roxy: Ha ha, me hiding anything. You are such a funny joker.
Tom: Rox, is that thing you’re making supposed to smoke and hiss and have purple sparks like that?
Roxy: The purple sparks are an unexpected bonus. I wonder what they put in that stuff.
Jas: What stuff?
Roxy: Nothing. Evidenceland, Jas. That is your desired destination.
Jas: Seriously, what are you—oh my God, are those my leather pants?
Tom: I think the verb you’re looking for is “Were.”
28
Roxy: What kind of sauce do you think sh
e means? Worstdressedshire sauce?
Tom: Steak-through-the-eye sauce?
Polly: Ho’llandaise? Gawk-amole?
Jas: Actually, I bet it’s just cheese sauce.
Roxy: Ha. Hey, is anyone besides me hungry?
29
BadJas: Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it in dew, cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two?
30
BadJas: The candyman can! The candyman can because he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.
31
BadJas: Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh, soak it in the sun and make a—Jas THAT LE NUFF!
32
Jas: So, Polly—Polly: My phone is on, I have a good signal, and I will come get you if you get any calls.
Jas: That’s not what I was going to say!
Polly: What were you going to say?
Jas: Well, okay, it was. But I was going to say if I should happen to get any calls. Stop rolling your eyes at me!
33
Jas: Hey, P—Polly: No, there were no calls for you.
Jas: I totally wasn’t going to ask that. I was going to ask you a very interesting question.
Polly: Such as?
Jas: Um. Such as. Um. Oh, now I remember. I was going to ask, does Lucien Wilder need his walking stick, or is it an accessory? You shouldn’t snort like that, P, you could suck your brain out.
Polly: He had an accident when he was younger. And if you don’t stop saying I’m snorting, I’ll turn my phone off. Ditto on snoring.
Jas: Polly breathes so quietly and melodiously it’s like the sound faeries make when they snort.
Polly: I’ve got my finger on the power button and I’m not afraid to use it.
Jas: I mean sleep.
Roxy: “I’ve got my finger on the power button” would make a sweet song title.
34
BadJas: Unless that Something is a call from your boyfriend.
Jas: I WAS JUST STARTING TO FORGET ABOUT THAT.
BadJas: As ifo.
35
BadJas: That’ your problem, you know.
Jas: I thought my problem was three letters starting with Y, ending in U, and rhyming with POO.
BadJas: No, it’s that you believe in Happily Ever After. But life doesn’t work like that. That, my friend, is the path to Heartache & Ruin.
Jas: You’re so uplifting and cheery, I wish we had these chats more often.
BadJas: You see, you need to learn to be happy with reality. By practicing Expectation Management.
Jas: Okay, right now I am expecting you to shut up. How will that conform to reality?
BadJas: I’m not sure—
Jas: Or I could start singing selections from Annie.
BadJas: Ack! Not Annie! I think you will find your expectations met.
36
BadJas: I told you not to get too hung up on him.
Jas: Please, be quiet.
BadJas: I knew something was wrong.
Jas: I do not require your services at this time.
BadJas: I warned you not to—Jas: You’re not helping. You’re making me feel like a moron.
BadJas: Takes one to know one. Ha ha ha.
Jas: Okay, now I do feel a bit better, thank you.
BadJas: Wait a sec, that’s not what I meant!
37
Polly: Are you okay?
Jas: Me? I’m great. I figured out something important about the investigation.
Polly: Can you try saying that again, this time with all the feeling in the right place? Are you sure something isn’t wrong? Your expression says something is wrong.
Jas: Can’t you recognize a zesty smile of joy?
Roxy: It looks like you’re having cramps.
Jas: Oh, my funny friend. I can’t thank you enough for making me laugh.
Polly: You’re not laughing.
Jas: I am. On the inside. Now can we get back up to the story?
Polly: Don’t you want to call Jack?
Jas: What’s that? The story can’t tell itself? How right you are. Up up up.
38
Polly: By which you mean growth experience.
Jas: No, I don’t.
Roxy: Just think of all the Little Life Lessons you’ll be able to collect.
Jas: Somehow that does not make me feel better.
Roxy: “Life through the eyes of a squirrel.” That wouldn’t just make a good song title, it would make a great album title.
Jas: Still. Not. Feeling. Better. Perhaps because I can’t breathe.
39
Jas: For all those not dressed as squirrels.
40
Jas: Little Life Lesson 48: Squirrel costumes are not good for subtle standing.
41
Jas: Little Life Lesson 49: Squirrel costumes are not good for hearing.
42
Jas: Little Life Lesson 50: If being able to see is your desire, do not sport squirrel attire.
43
Jas: Little Life Lesson 51: If you wish to have a chat, do not wear a squirrel hat.
44
Jas: Little Life Lesson 52: Trying to conduct a murder investigation? A squirrel costume will only cause consternation!
45
Jas: POSSIBLY BECAUSE I WAS DRESSED AS A SQUIRREL AND THEREFORE NUTS.
46
Jas: Little Life Lesson 53: Squirrel costumes are not recommended for the Making of Barbed Insults.
47
Jas: Little Life Lesson 54: Four out of five doctors surveyed did not recommend squirrel costumes for their patients who wanted to give meaningful looks.
Polly: What is that, Jas? Are you upset about something?
Jas: Grr.
Polly: I don’t think squirrels growl, precious.
48
Polly: I didn’t know “circumstantial” meant “I don’t want to believe the guy I was kissing last night is a killer.”
Jas: I didn’t know “best friend” meant “one who makes up things.” We weren’t kissing. Stop raising your eyebrow at me!
Polly: Whatever you say, HotLips Callihan.
49
BadJas: What’s that smell?
Jas: What are you talking about?
BadJas: Like smoke.
Jas: I don’t smell any smoke.
BadJas: Look out! Your pants are on fire!
Jas: Careful you don’t choke on your tongue when you chortle like that. It would be such a pity.
50
Jas: Agreed?
BadJas: Agreed.
Table of Contents
Cover
Title page
Dedication
Epigraph
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
About the Author
Other Books by Michele Jaffe
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
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Kitty Kitty Page 22
