The Way We Were (Solitary Soldiers Book 2)

by A. T Brennan

  * * * * *

  Allie had a tough day at work. She was exhausted from not sleeping, and she couldn’t concentrate because Ben was dominating her thoughts.

  She didn’t know how she felt about the night before. In truth, the only part of the night she wasn’t confused by was when they’d had sex. She’d wanted it and he’d been incredible. Her skin would flush and her body tingled when she thought about how attentive and wonderful he’d been.

  It was the massive confession session they’d had after that was messing with her head. He’d made some major confessions to her, opened up exactly the way he had when they were kids, but they weren’t kids anymore.

  They’d lived separate lives for fourteen years. He hadn’t just broken her heart, he’d shattered her world, and she still had no idea why.

  He might still act and feel like her Ben, but he wasn’t. They were different people and they were older.

  She didn’t know what she wanted. For the longest time she’d searched for love, hoping and praying to find someone who made her feel the way Ben had. When she hadn’t found it she’d tried to fool herself into believing it could develop, and she might feel it if she gave whatever relationship she was in a chance. That thinking had made her stay with men a lot longer than she ever should have.

  She’d stuck by cheaters, abusers and a few who downright played her for money or other perks. She’d been used by married men who’d kept their true marital status secret, and by assholes who’d promised her the world but only wanted her for sex.

  Every time she’d stayed with someone or been used by someone she was trying to help, it had been her fault. She’d made the choice and the decision to stick around and give people infinite chances, but she knew she’d done it because it was a way to cope with losing Ben.

  Now he was back, kind of. He’d called her, talked with her, fucked her, then laid out a lot of personal shit. Now that it was the day after she had no idea what was going to happen. He’d reached out to her. He was the one with her number and he was the one who’d come back into her life and thrown her world upside down. The ball was in his court, and she had no idea what he was planning to do.

  Sitting around and waiting for him to make a move or a decision would be hard and most likely result in her having her heart broken again, but putting herself out there and being rejected sounded like torture.

  He’d ended things all those years ago. Now it was up to him to prove to her that he either wanted her or he didn’t. It would be hard, but she refused to risk having him break her heart again. She didn’t think she’d survive it a second time.

  * * * * *

  “Good afternoon, Alison Chase speaking.”

  “Allie?”

  “Ben?” Allie looked up from the spreadsheet she’d been filling out and then glanced down at her desk phone. She’d been so into her work she’d answered her cell thinking it was her work line. “Sorry, hi.”

  “Well you sounded like a grown up, all professional and shit.”

  She laughed and leaned back in her chair. “Yeah, they kind of frown on saying ‘what’s up’ to clients.”

  “Can you talk now?”

  “I’m pretty much the only one left here. It was quitting time an hour ago.”

  “Yet here you are, being the dedicated employee,” he teased.

  “Not exactly.” She chuckled. “My computer froze five minutes before I was going to clock out. Of course it happened the day I forgot to save my work for almost two hours.”

  “Ouch. That blows.”

  “It’s going faster this time around. I’ve already done it once so some muscle memory seems to have kicked in.”

  “So how long are you going to be at work for?”

  “Another half hour should do it.”

  “Are you busy after?”

  “For what.”

  “What?”

  “You haven’t called me for four days. No text, no social media requests, nothing. I have no idea what you’re thinking or where your head is at.”

  “You didn’t make any effort to contact me either.”

  “I’m not the one who reached out to you. You came into my life, that makes me feel like you’re the one who has to make your intentions clear.”

  “Like you want me to ask permission to call you?”

  “Don’t be a dick. I just mean you have to keep me in the loop. Do you want to get together as friends? Is this a date? Is it a ‘we’ll see what happens because I’m not sure what I’m thinking either’? Or is this a booty call?”

  “I’d never booty call you. I feel stupid just using that term.”

  “Call it what you want. Is this you calling me for sex?”

  “I don’t know what it is.”

  “Friends?”

  “I think we’re past friends.”

  “A date?”

  “I don’t know if we’re there yet.”

  “So more than friends but not quite dating?”

  “I guess, if you have to label it.”

  “I need a label, Ben. I can’t live with the ‘what ifs’ and the in-betweens. I’m not nineteen anymore. I need answers.”

  “I guess a casual date is the best way I can label it. There are a lot of unknowns in my life, and I can’t make any permanent decisions until I figure my own shit out.”

  “That’s fine. I can handle that. I can’t handle being played again, not by you.

  “I never played you—”

  “I know. I just mean I’ve been messed with and used a lot. I don’t want to be that girl anymore and it would be harder if you became that guy. You’re the one man who always treated me right.”

  “I promise I’ll never play you, Allie,” Ben said seriously. “I may not say or do the right thing, and I can be a jackass when I feel vulnerable or am having a rough day, but I’ll never use or play you. I couldn’t do that to you.”

  “I believe you.”

  “So, would you like to go out with me tonight?”

  “I would.” She grinned. “Do you know what you want to do?”

  “I’m not great in crowds, not yet.”

  “How about you come over? We can order in, maybe watch a movie or something. Just relax with no pressure. Or do you have to be home for Zeus?”

  “I can leave him for a while. I’ll have to come home to let him out before it’s too long, though.”

  “Okay. So my place?”

  “Sounds good. Nicole said you were living in your parents’ house?”

  “I am.”

  “How about an hour? Is that enough time for you?”

  “Should be. How about you pick dinner and I’ll pick the movie?”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  “I’ll see you in an hour then.”

  “See you, Allie.”

  As she ended the call, Allie grinned. She was proud of herself for being so upfront and honest with Ben, and she was happy he’d finally called.

  * * * * *

  It took her almost forty-five minutes to finish her work, and another fifteen to get home. She was running late and hoped Ben wouldn’t be waiting for her.

  He pulled into her driveway as she was unlocking her front door. She paused and waited for him to lock his car and come up to the door.

  “Wow, don’t you look like an adult.” He grinned as he looked her up and down.

  “It’s amazing what a pencil skirt and heels can do to transform your look.” She laughed and pushed open the door. “After you.”

  “Shit.” Ben stepped into the foyer and looked around. “Wow, Allie. It looks like a completely different house.”

  “That was the look I was going for. Why don’t you order us some food while I change? And make yourself at home. I have beer, wine, soda. Grab whatever you want and find a comfy place to sit.”

  She smiled after he nodded and headed up to her room to change out of her work clothes and into something a little more comfortable.

  He was right when he said the house looked
completely different. She’d done a massive reno on it, basically ripping it apart one room at a time until it was modern, clean and felt welcoming. The colors were a mix of neutrals and bright accents, and the décor was modern and matching. She’d opened up as much of the main floor as she could to create sightlines and a bright, airy feel, and the bedrooms had been redecorated. The bathroom and the kitchen had been gutted and she’d even finished the basement to make extra living space. The house now looked like it belonged on their street and blended in with the other homes around them, instead of looking derelict and disgusting.

  She’d invested a lot of money into the changes, but now the house was worth a small fortune compared to some of the other houses around, and especially compared to what it had been.

  It was her house now. It was just sad that it had taken thirty-three years for her to feel comfortable and safe in her childhood home.

  She stripped off her work clothes and tossed them in the hamper. Then she looked at her clothes. They were staying in so she didn’t have to dress up, but she didn’t want to look like a slob. She also didn’t want to look like she was inviting him to have sex. She wanted him, god how she wanted him, but she didn’t want to make it too obvious.

  After pulling several things out of her closet, only to hold them up against herself and then stick them back on the rung, she went to her drawer and pulled out a pair of thick tights with a damask print on them. She loved those tights but had never had the confidence to wear them out of the house or around someone. She always felt she should be more modest in public, and the tights showed off every curve and roll on her body.

  Ben had already seen her naked and he’d seemed to like what he’d seen. If she couldn’t be comfortable with him in her own home than she should forget about sleeping with him again. When the tights were on she slipped on a pair of fuzzy socks and pulled a tight black sweater over her head. She was comfortable but didn’t feel like she was wearing pajamas.

  She pulled a brush through her hair and then took a deep breath. She was as ready as she’d ever be.

  “Wow. You look amazing.” Ben looked her up and down as she came into the living room. He was lounging on her couch with a soda in his hand.

  “Thanks.” She blushed and sat next to him. “Did you figure dinner out?”

  “Is Greek okay? I’ve had a hankering for Greek potatoes for days.”

  “Sounds good, what did you get?”

  “The platter dinner for two, from Kosmos’.”

  “Have you had them since you’ve been back? They’re still as amazing as they were when we were in school.”

  “I haven’t.”

  “You’re in for a treat. I call a trade.” She grinned at him.

  “We haven’t even gotten our food and you’re invoking a trade?” He laughed. “Sure, whatever you want since you did it properly.”

  “You can have my potatoes if I can have your salad. I don’t know if you’ve changed your mind since the last time we had dinner, but I remember how you weren’t a fan of salad.”

  “I’m still not.” He grinned. “It’s not food, it’s what food eats.”

  Allie laughed and leaned back on the couch. “Still using the same excuse?”

  “It still applies.”

  “Very true.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Where are your parents?”

  “Nicole didn’t tell you?”

  “She said your mom died. She didn’t say how, just that it wasn’t a peaceful way to go. She didn’t know about your dad.”

  “Mom did die. She was diagnosed with HIV six years ago. It turned to AIDS really fast and she didn’t respond to treatment. She ended up with pneumonia and died two years ago.”

  “Shit, I’m sorry Allie.”

  “Dad fucked off about a year before her diagnosis. He left and never came back. I have no idea if he’s still alive, if he’s positive, or what. Honestly I don’t care.”

  “What happened?”

  “Nine years ago the police called me to tell me he’d been arrested. It was the third time in a year. Once it was for public intoxication, once it was for drinking and driving. This time it was for assault. He got plastered at a bar and decided to get into a fight with the bouncer. I bailed him out, brought him home and then a few months later I get a call that he missed his court appearance and a warrant was being issued for his arrest. I was out the bail money and I was pissed. I told his PO exactly where he could find him. The charge was eventually lowered and he had to pay a fine and do some community service since no one was hurt in the altercation. He said he would never forgive me for turning him in and I told him I was done with his childishness. I wasn’t going to bail him out or cover for him anymore. He never spoke to me again.”

  “I’m sorry, Allie.”

  “He was never around in the first place. At least this way I had my life back and wasn’t getting dragged into his shit anymore.”

  “Did you ever make up with your mom?”

  “When he left for good. Things were still rocky. She was still a selfish bitch when she didn’t get her way, but facing her mortality calmed her down. She admitted she wasn’t ready to be a mom and should never have kept me. She apologized for how I was forced to live, and I forgave her.”

  “But not your dad?”

  “He’s dead to me, if he isn’t already dead.”

  “Why did you move home? I mean, into this house. It looks completely different but you were never happy here.”

  “Mom and Dad never married so when she died the house was left to me. The place was a shit-pit but it was paid for. I got a line of credit and used the money I made from selling my house in the city to fix it up. A lot of houses around here have been flipped so it’s a pretty sought after neighborhood now. I was going to sell it, but I decided to stay when it was finished. The foundation of the house might be the same, but now it’s mine. I designed it, chose everything in it. I made it mine and I wanted to make happy memories in it.”

  Ben nodded and reached out for her hand. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Any of what you have.”

  “It is what it is. My family was a fluke. I was born into it and nothing could have changed that. Most of the shit that happened to me is because I made stupid decisions. Some is because of other people, but most is because of me.”

  “And me.”

  “Ben—”

  “I don’t care what you say, Allie. If you’d married me than none of that would have happened. You would have been with me away from here. None of those men would have been in your life. You wouldn’t have been at that bar that night, you wouldn’t have had to deal with your dad or your mom’s illness alone.”

  “True, but maybe something worse might have happened. Sometimes shitty things happen and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. If they didn’t happen here then they could have happened somewhere else. You couldn’t have been around me all the time. It’s true I wouldn’t have dated those assholes, but I still could have had friends who used me. And I could have still met a man who would chose to…do what he did to me. A wedding ring isn’t going to stop someone who wants to hurt another person.”

  “I know. It makes sense. But I still feel responsible.”

  “Don’t. I don’t hold you responsible for any of it except breaking my heart.”

  He opened his mouth to say something, but the doorbell rang before he could start talking.

  “I’ll get the food.” He jumped up and headed to the door.

  Allie waited on the couch for him. She felt better for telling him the truth, but she was still shocked at how easily it had come out.

  “Do you want a beer with dinner? Some wine?” she asked when he came back into the living room with two takeout bags in his hands. “I don’t feel like sitting at the table so maybe we could eat in here, start a movie?”

  “Sure.” He nodded. “About the movie. I’m good with soda.”

  “Y
ou sure?”

  “I don’t drink anymore. There was a time when I drank a lot, too much.” He shook his head as he sat down with her. “The only way to get control of it was to stop cold turkey.”

  “Is it okay if I drink in front of you? Do you want me to have soda too?”

  “No, have whatever you want.” He smiled and opened the bags. “It’s my issue, not yours. You don’t have to hide it from me or try to shield me.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive.”

  “Then I’ll go get a glass of wine, and some cutlery.”

  Ben watched Allie head into the kitchen, his eyes settling on her ass as she walked. He loved those tights on her. They showed off her incredible figure but were still a little modest and even teasing. He could see the shape of her legs and ass, but not her skin. They made him picture how she looked without them, and he loved remembering.

  Again he was a little shocked by how open and honest she’d been with him, and how maturely she’d handled everything that had happened to her. It didn’t matter what she said or what she thought, he still blamed himself.

  The one part of the conversation that echoed in his mind was her saying he’d broken her heart. He’d known he’d hurt her, but he’d hoped she’d been young enough to get over him quickly. It seemed that wasn’t the case, and he felt like an ass.

  Allie came back into the living room with a glass of red wine and a handful of cutlery. He waited as she cued up a movie, grateful when she picked a comedy because he could never know if a movie would trigger him or not. He couldn’t handle war scenes, gun battles or watching soldiers die. Things set in the desert were hard to watch and explosions startled him.

  They settled in to watch the movie, eating their food off her coffee table. When they were done she went into the kitchen to put their dishes away and came out with another soda for him and second glass of wine for her. He was glad she was having a drink if she wanted one. He’d meant it when he’d told her not to alter her behavior for him. He was the one with the problem, she shouldn’t have to give up something she enjoyed just because he’d abused it.