Divorced and Deadly

by Josephine Cox

  ‘I’ll sleep on the beach then.’

  ‘It’s freezing out there!’

  ‘I’d rather freeze than have my throat cut when I’m asleep!’ His eyes swivelled towards the big man, ‘I wasn’t born to be barbecued neither!’

  ‘He scares me too, but I have a plan.’

  ‘What plan?’

  ‘One that will protect us. So, are you with me or not?’

  ‘Only if you promise to keep me and Battersby safe.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Promise then!’

  ‘All right! I promise, is that good enough?’

  When he nodded reluctantly, I lost no time in accepting. ‘Right, we’ll take it,’ I told the big man. ‘Thank you.’

  Holding out his hand, he fixed his black eyes on me.

  ‘He wants his fiver,’ Dickie whispered in my ear. ‘Give him it, and he’ll go away.’

  Fishing a five pound note out of my pocket, I gave it to him, and just as Dickie said, he went away, but not before eyeing us with a sly, furtive smile, ‘Sleep well.’ He chuckled and was gone.

  ‘Did you see that!’ Dickie was frantic, ‘He means to kill us! He’ll creep in here when we’re fast asleep. He’ll have us for breakfast. Look at Battersby…he knows what’s up. He senses these things.’

  He was right. The hairy mutt was quaking and shivering; his big eyes stared up at us, a look of desperation on his face.

  I felt really sorry for him, ‘It’s all right, Battersby,’ I leaned down to stroke him. ‘The nasty man won’t be able to get in, because I intend to barricade the door.’

  We soon discovered he wasn’t afraid of the big, bad man. Instead he was desperate to go to the loo, and now it was too late, because the floor was awash, and I was standing in it. ‘Get away from me, you dirty animal!’

  ‘You leave him alone!’ Dickie made a beeline straight for me; then he went skidding across the floor to smack head-first into the wall. ‘There’s a leak!’ he yelled, ‘The whole place is under water!’

  ‘It’s not a leak, you dope. It’s that hairy mutt, and his disgusting habits. We can’t sleep here…not in that lot!’

  ‘Filthy beast!’ Dickie shook his head so hard it seemed like his hair had slid all to one side. ‘Filthy, filthy creature! I’ve a good mind to put you in a home for unwanted dogs!’ He didn’t expect Battersby to leap on him, but he did, and the pair of them slid along the wall in a river of urine.

  As if that wasn’t enough, as Dickie staggered to his feet, the wall opened up and a big iron bed sprung out and squashed them flat. It was the strangest, most frightening thing I’ve ever seen.

  And now the big man was at the door again, ‘I forgot to tell you…’ he gawped at the bed, with half a dog and Dickie’s twisted leg sticking out from under it. ‘Oh, you found it then,’ he grinned, ‘Sleep tight…mind the bed bugs don’t bite.’

  As he departed, he grumbled. ‘There’s a real smell of damp. I’ll need to get that seen to.’

  He slunk off, leaving chaos and destruction in his wake. ‘The man’s a psychopath!’ Dickie squirmed out from beneath a ton of iron, ‘He wants locking up!’

  ‘And your dog wants plugging!’ I told him straight, ‘I don’t care how you do it, but you’d best clean up the floor.’ I’d seen a pile of old rags in the corner, ‘Use some of that stuff there. After what the big man said, I’d best check the bed for bugs.’

  There were no bugs; just a few holes in the mattress, with little mountains of escaped stuffing here and there.

  Dickie used the old rags to wipe the floor; only to realise they were old blankets, obviously meant for us, because we searched every nook and cranny of the room, and found nothing but old beer cans and planks of wood in the corner holding up the ceiling. ‘That’s it! I’m going home!’ Dickie wailed, ‘I hate Blackpool, it’s been one disaster after another!’

  Fed up with his whining, I had a go. ‘Oh, yes…blame Blackpool, that’s it! And whose fault is it really, eh? Who snuck into my car when all I wanted was a quiet weekend, away from you and that dirty animal.’

  ‘Well, I’m sorry, Ben…but me and Battersby are going home, and that’s that!’

  ‘So, it’s all about you again, is it? You selfish article!’

  ‘We’re leaving and nothing you can do or say will make me change my mind!’

  ‘Fair enough, go then! But you’ll have to go on the train, because I’m staying here. Tomorrow, I mean to have a good day, and nothing you or the mutt can do will stop me enjoying myself. Have you got that?’

  ‘We can’t go on the train.’

  ‘Oh, and why’s that?’

  ‘Because, if we go on the train, they’ll probably put Battersby in the guard’s van.’

  ‘Good! Then he can’t cause havoc in the carriages.’

  ‘It might smell in the guard’s van.’

  ‘It’ll smell even more when the mutt gets in there!’

  ‘I’m not going on the train.’

  ‘So, what are you going to do?’

  ‘Aw look, Ben. Can’t we find somewhere else, then. Please?’

  ‘There is nowhere else, as well you know.’

  ‘Anywhere’s better than here! There’s something wrong with that bloke, and you know it.’ He glanced furtively at the door. ‘Did you see how he looked at us?’

  ‘So?’

  ‘Didn’t you think he was creepy?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘If me and Battersby stay, do you think the big man might sneak into the room while we’re asleep?’

  ‘Okay! Yes, his is creepy, and yes, it is possible he might sneak into the room while we’re asleep, but we’re in Blackpool…capital of fun. Anything’s possible!’

  ‘He frightens me.’

  ‘Why does that not surprise me? A kid on a toy scooter would frighten you! Besides, we’ve got the mutt to protect us.’

  ‘What! He’d be more frightened than us. You said you would protect us.’

  ‘And I will.’

  ‘So, how do you mean to do that?’

  ‘Well…I thought if we left the door open, and he came after us, we could make our getaway.’

  ‘But if he came after us, he’d shut the door behind him…probably lock it too.’ His eyes popped out of his head.’We’d be at his mercy!’

  ‘Hmm…’ I must admit, I hadn’t thought of that. ‘Okay, but if we left here, the only place to sleep would be the beach. We can’t sleep in the car, because we left it at the hotel and I don’t fancy walking back there. Besides, it’ll be damned freezing in the car, and damned freezing on the beach!’

  ‘Battersby would keep us warm.’

  ‘Yes, and wet, and his fleas would keep us scratching all night!’

  In fact, the prospect of sleeping with Battersby was horrific. ‘What makes you think I want to be smothered to death, or peed on from a great height, or worse still, have a slobbery tongue all over me!’ (Mind you, I suppose it depends who the tongue belongs to.)

  ‘Please, Ben! Let’s get out of here!’

  ‘NO!’

  ‘All right. You stay here and be murdered in your bed. Me and Battersby are off to sleep on the beach.’

  I watched him collect his bits and pieces, before lolloping out of the room, with Battersby sloping behind.

  When I heard the front door shut, I watched through a crack in the wall, and there they were…going down the street, a real sorry pair.

  ‘Go on then…clear off, and the best of luck to you!’ Dickie was right, the place was a real dump, but it had to be better than sleeping rough in the cold.

  By now I was in a foul mood, ‘Scaredy-cat Dickie!’ Frightened of the big man because he thought he looked at him in a funny way. Mind you, who wouldn’t look at Dickie Manse brains-in-his-pants. I mean, just look at the state of him! I’ve never been able to make head nor tail of him neither!

  I muttered and moaned as I curled up on the corner of the bed, ‘Go and sleep on the beach then, and take the hairy monster
with you, see if I care!’ In half an hour I reckoned he’d be back with his tail between his legs!

  The idea of the pair of them creeping back through the door and Dickie grovelling apologies, made me smile. Oh, yes! They’ll be back all right, but I wasn’t going to let them in…well, not until I’d made them suffer for their treachery.

  I hated him. I hated myself, and as the minutes ticked away and still he didn’t return, I got more and more uncomfortable. I was determined not to go after him. This was my holiday and he’d ruined it. I was not about to let him dictate the terms of what time was left. No way!

  Murdered in my bed. What an imagination he had. Then a shiver went through me. What if he was right? Naw! He was just peeved because we’d been thrown out of the hotel. Anyway, what had he got against the big man? For all we knew he might be the softest, gentlest creature on earth.

  But the more I thought of the big man, and what Dickie has said, the more I was on edge. Why would he want to come into our room in the middle of the night? I reassured myself, ‘He’s done nothing for us to be worried about. In fact, he’s been really kind…letting us stay here when he doesn’t know us from Adam. And besides, who else would have let a mutt like Battersby into their house?’

  The thought of the dog made me homesick. He’s accident prone. He stinks to high heaven, and when his rear end gets talking, it’s like thunder and lightening all at once.

  Actually, when I got to thinking and wondering, and asking myself why the big man even let us through the door, I began to wonder if Dickie Manse brains-in-his-pants, wasn’t right after all.

  Feeling a fool for letting myself believe the ranting of a bloke like Dickie, I laughed out loud. Snuggling down I was determined to ignore his warning.

  Actually, to tell the truth, the bed wasn’t too bad once I’d got settled. Fully dressed, and with some of my clothes thrown over me, I felt myself nodding off. ‘At least I’m warm,’ I told myself. ‘At least I’m not shivering on a cold, lonely beach.’

  I don’t know what time it was when I woke, but I was freezing cold. ‘What’s that?’ Someone was touching my leg. I had visions of myself and the big man’s pretty daughter, rolling about the bed, getting to know each other, and was I thankful that Dickie Manse brains-in-his-pants was not here? You bet!

  There it was again…all soft and smooth against my leg, ‘Stop it…you’re giving me goose bumps!’ By now I was sniggering like a silly boy. It was just like the day I got Julie Tumble in the bike shed at school.

  There it was again…velvet-soft against my leg, giving me goose bumps, ‘You naughty…naughty girl.’ I couldn’t see anything in the dark, but she was snuggling up to me and it was all too much, ‘Come on then!’ I felt well pleased with myself, ‘If you want me…take me. I’ll never be more ready than I am now!’

  When the touch of her soft skin slid up my thigh, I knew I was in for a real treat. In fact I hadn’t been that excited since I slept with that woman I picked up and got kicked out of house and home as punishment.

  Worried that the excitement might wear off, I held out my hand and slowly raised my head, ‘That’s enough of the teasing, why don’t we just get to it!’

  She was on my neck now, all soft and cuddly, the wispy fringes of her hair tickling my face, ‘That’s enough!’ I was beside myself. ‘Take me now!’

  Determined to steal a peep, I looked up, straight into the eyes of the biggest rat I’d ever seen. Then I realised they were all over me; dozens of beady eyes staring back at me, their needle sharp teeth ready to strike. Screaming like a lunatic, I leaped up and ran, ‘Aaagh! Where are you, Dickie!’

  They must have heard my screams in Timbuktu, ‘Get ’em off, Get ’em off!’ I was running about in panic, when the big man burst into the room. ‘What are you doing to my daughter? Don’t deny it…I heard you telling her to “get ’em off”. I’m warning you…if you’re not out that door in two minutes flat, I’ll break every bone in your body!’

  Busy thrashing me with a yard broom, he didn’t think where his daughter might be, or Dickie, nor did he see the rats as they scurried into the shadows. He launched himself at me, like a man demented, ‘Dirty pervert! I knew you were trouble the minute I clapped eyes on yer!’

  Fearing for my life, I grabbed my bag and ran, falling and tripping all the way down the street. ‘Dickie!’ I was panic-stricken. ‘Dickie! Where the hell are you?’

  I could see the daughter peering at me out of a window, but there was no sign of Dickie, the deserter. The big man must have been a champion javelin thrower, because the broom came whistling through the air like a jet-propelled rocket. Catching me square in the back of the neck, it threw me at speed along the promenade, before momentum had me over the wall and on to the beach.

  Bent and broken, I lay there, in the dark, on my own, without a friendly soul in the world.

  In that sorry moment of mayhem, with my brain still reeling, Dickie and his hairy mutt seemed like the best mates a man could ever have.

  ‘I’ve got to find them!’ I told myself, ‘If I have to search every inch of this beach and every street in Blackpool, I will find them!’

  After catching my breath, I gathered myself together and felt the damage: a torn right ear, a bruise on my nether regions, and trousers I couldn’t keep up because I’d fled without my belt.

  Dejected and lonely, I kept a tight hold on my pants, and began my way along the beach.

  Where would Dickie have gone? I looked left and I looked right, and then I looked again, and all I could see were endless miles of beach; all I could hear was a couple making love noisily under the pier, and a mangy dog howling for a mate. From somewhere in the distance came the sound of hearty laughter, and all along the promenade the colourful lights danced and twinkled.

  Suddenly it was like all my troubles melted away. With the carnival lights illuminating the night skies, the comforting feel of sand squashing under my feet, and the tangy smell of the sea in my nostrils, I believed that Blackpool might still turn out to be every bit as magical as I’d imagined.

  After a few hundred yards, I heard the music and with lighter heart, I began trudging towards it. ‘Here I am, Dickie!’ I shouted to the elements. ‘You’ve been a good friend to me, and I’ve never needed you more than I do now!’

  ‘Bugger off, gobbie!’ A man yelled out of the blue. ‘You find your Dickie and leave the rest of us in peace!’ Then I heard a girl’s voice giggling, ‘Ooh, Monty, you’ve never touched me there before. You can do it again if you like.’

  I didn’t need to guess what they were up to, but it made me think. ‘All right, Dickie,’ I chuckled, ‘we came to Blackpool to have fun, and that’s what we’ll do…all of us, you, me and the hairy mutt!’

  SOME TIME LATER…

  I must have walked for ages. My feet ached, my back hurt, and my throat was dry as paper. But I wasn’t going to give in. I kept going; the twinkling lights were never far behind me, and in front the beach stretched on forever.

  After a while trudging along, I dropped, exhausted, into the sand. I didn’t try and get up. Instead I just lay there, stretched out, every inch of my poor, battered body aching. I knew exactly what John Mills felt like in that film Ice Cold in Alex.

  I must have been lying there for a good ten minutes or even longer, when I heard singing. ‘Alice…Alice…Who the hell is Alice…’ It was rowdy and cheeky, and though I couldn’t be sure, I thought I recognised Dickie’s voice. I thought it might be him, because nobody else could be so out of tune.

  Clambering up, I yelled out, ‘Dickie! You were right; I should have left when you did! There were rats everywhere…in the bed…eyeing me up, gnawing at my bits and pieces! Listen, Dickie…it’s me! It’s Ben! I’ve come to find you!’

  When the singing stopped, I waited a while, then I shouted again, and still nothing. Then I heard a soft, wooshing noise and before I could look round, I was brutally wrestled to the ground. Then I recognised the smell.

  ‘Get off, you stin
king mutt!’ Shoving Battersby aside, I looked up and I thought I’d gone to heaven, because right there before me were two angels, each with long hair and dressed skimpily.

  They reached out to help me up, and then Dickie was there. ‘I knew you’d find me,’ he said cockily, ‘I said you’d be along soon, and here you are.’

  After a swift introduction, we walked back along the promenade; Dickie arm in arm with the dark-haired girl called Frankie, and me all wrapped round Joanna, the blonde. ‘So, you managed to find a hotel that would take you in, eh?’ I was well chuffed.

  ‘Not exactly a hotel,’ he answered.

  ‘Oh? So, if not a hotel…what?’

  A few minutes later I found out.

  It was a two-berth camper van parked near the promenade, it was not even big enough to swing a cat in, which meant Battersby was in your face and you could hardly turn over. That was the downside.

  The upside was that Battersby could be tied up outside, to the rear end of the camper van while the rest of us stayed inside, nice and cosy, which meant that we could all get to know each other very well.

  Dickie and Frankie went away to the front of the camper van, shutting the curtains behind them, while me and Joanna retreated towards the back. ‘I do like you, Ben.’ She had the sweetest voice.

  ‘You don’t even know me.’ Though with a bit of luck and careful handling, we could soon put that right, I thought hopefully.

  ‘I still like you.’

  ‘Ah, well, that’s good. So now we know each other’s names and we like each other. That can’t be bad, can it, eh.’ Honestly! How lame was that for an opening bid?

  ‘Ben?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Are you married?’ She was making cow-eyes at me, but I didn’t care. Wow! She had such beautiful eyes, all shimmery and dark brown and kinda mesmerising.

  ‘Ben?’

  ‘Yup?’

  ‘Are you…?’ she hesitated.

  ‘Am I what?’

  ‘Are you married?’ she asked again.

  ‘Nope!’ Saying that felt really good. Okay, I know! After Laura, I said never again, but who knows? For the right woman, I might be tempted to bite the bullet. In fact, there was a moment when I even thought of taking little Poppy out on a date, but she was bit young for me really.