by Davis, Alexa
I nodded slowly to myself, not wanting to tell her that staying at the house hadn’t been in my plan whatsoever. Back when I formed that plan, I didn’t realize how sick Mom was, though, so maybe it was time to make a different plan. Maybe this was where I needed to be for the foreseeable future, after all.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Mom started once more, making me feel a little anxious. She only used that tone of voice when she had something to say that I wasn't going to like. “But I ran into Kerri today. Do you remember her?”
“Of course I do,” I grinned. “I didn’t realize that she still lived here. I suppose I lost touch with everyone when I left.”
“Well, I saw her in the supermarket with her son and invited her over to dinner. I thought it might be nice for you to have someone to reconnect with while you’re here.”
“Oh my God, she has a son?!” I gasped in shock. “Wow, that’s...something else. It’ll be great to reconnect with her, though.”
My mind reeled with that information, trying to picture my crazy best friend as a mom, but I couldn't quite see it.
It did also give me pause for thought with regards to my life, too. I might have had a career, but I’d given that up, and I was certainly nowhere near to being married or having a child. Was I falling behind? Had I been so focused on moving on that I’d missed out on all the big milestones that were supposed to have happened by now? Was Kerri going to think that I was a real sad freak?
*****
By the time Kerri showed up for dinner, I was all tied up in knots about it, worried that she was going to think all kinds of things about my life. But as soon as she walked through that door, the last few years simply fell away. Despite our lives going in vastly different directions, we instantly became the girls we once were.
This was probably easier because she’d left her son at home with the babysitter because it gave us the freedom to be more of ourselves, but the more that the night went on, the more I wanted to meet him, too.
Mom had cooked us a lasagna dinner, and we all sat around drinking endless glasses of wine and laughing happily as we caught up on one another’s lives. Kerri told us some gossip about the people still living in the town, but I couldn't help noticing that there was one name she didn’t mention: a doctor that I was going to be faced with soon enough.
Eventually, Mom gave up and went to bed, leaving me and Kerri alone, which gave me the opportunity to ask the questions that I really wanted to know the answer to.
“I can’t believe that you’ve had a baby,” I giggled, feeling the wine coursing through me. “That’s crazy. How old is he?”
“He’s two now,” she replied, pulling out her phone to show me a few pictures.
I wouldn’t have normally gone to the next question, but I was admittedly a little tipsy and the filter I usually had was nowhere to be seen. “Who’s the father?” I guess what I really wanted to know if she was married, and if I really was far behind, but luckily, she shook her head and laughed.
“I don’t know. Grant won’t tell me when I ask,” We burst into hysterical laughter at that one. “I’m honestly not sure, but at this point, it doesn’t matter.”
Wow , I didn’t know what to say to that one. Kerri was always a little freer with herself than I was in school, but that was because I was so hung up on Matthew. At least there was one thing to come from it: I wasn't the only one who didn’t fully have her life together. I guessed that was something.
Chapter Seven
Matthew
Monday
I sat at my desk, tapping my pen anxiously, which was a habit I’d gotten into as my finances started to go downhill. But this had nothing to do with money – this was all to do with the test results sitting in front of me. I didn’t want to believe it, but the evidence was there, I was staring right at it.
Peggy Baker was an incredibly sick woman, and I was going to have to be the one to deliver that news to her.
I’d tried to contact the last doctor she’d been to see to see what they had for me, but I still hadn’t had a reply yet, and the time was nearing. She was going to be there at any moment, probably with Ashlee in tow, and I was going to devastate them both.
This was the worst thing I’d ever had to do.
As I looked down, I noticed my palms were sweaty and my hands were literally shaking with fear over how terrible this was going to be. It was silly, really; I gave out bad news all the time. But this was to someone I knew, someone I cared a lot about, someone that I really didn’t want to hurt.
Knock, knock.
There was that light tap on the door again, the one that I was sure belonged to Terri, which only made me feel about a million times worse. I couldn't stand the thought of her and Ashlee being in the same town, never mind building; it was going to be a weird mix of the two, different lives that I’d segregated in my mind, and I wasn't sure that my brain would be able to handle it. I feared my head was going to explode.
“Matthew?” Terri questioned, leaning in to look at me. “Are you okay? I haven’t seen you all morning.”
“I’m fine,” I snapped back quickly, not wanting to get into this with her. I averted my gaze away from hers, fixing it on the floor beneath me. I didn’t want her to see any sort of pain in my eyes because I thought that she might grip onto it and question me until I went insane.
“Okay, well, I just wanted to let you know that Mrs. Baker is in room one.” When I didn’t respond to this other than a simple nod, Terri leapt in with something else, desperate to get something from me. “She has some pretty face with her,” she continued cattily.
I felt my shoulders flinch ever so slightly at this, but I did my best to keep that minimal. Terri knew about my reputation; she might not have when we first got together, but she did now. I was sure that she wasn’t keen on the fact that I occasionally hooked up with other women, too, but we weren’t exclusive, we never had been, so there wasn't a damn thing she could say. However, she did always make these sorts of comments whenever she felt threatened, wanting some sort reassurance from me, and I had no intention of ever giving it.
I sure as hell wouldn’t care if I ever found out she was screwing around with other guys. In fact, she probably was and I just didn’t know about it.
“Right, okay,” I replied coldly. “Well, I’ll be there in a moment, okay?”
I started to write something down, nothing in particular, just trying to look like I was busy until she left the room. Luckily, it didn’t take long for her to get the hint and go, and the moment she clicked that door shut behind her, I dropped my pen and sighed deeply. This was going to suck, but I couldn't put it off any longer. Sitting there, stewing on it wasn't going to make the problem go away. In fact, the sooner we got on with this, the sooner it was all out in the open, the better chance we would all have at fighting this.
Just do this, I tried to warn myself. And remember that this is about Peggy. Seeing Ashlee is just a small part of it. Try not to worry too much about that.
I stood up and grabbed hold of the paperwork I needed before heading into the dreaded unknown. As I stood in front of that door, the one with the large number one on it, I took just a couple of seconds to steel myself.
All that happened was ten years ago, I tried to remind myself. Things might be totally different now. Ashlee might have forgotten about everything; she probably has a brand new life, anyway. A career, a husband, a child...
Then again, would she have up and left everything so easily if she had all those responsibilities? And why the hell did I care, anyway?
A decade had gone past; I really should have moved on by now. I should be in that sort of place in my own life, not worrying about what my ex was up to, even if she was the one who got away...
As I pushed that door open, my breath caught in my throat and my heart literally skipped a beat. There she was, looking as amazing as ever, and it was instantly as if I’d gone back all those years and I was a teen hopelessly in love all over again.
>
That wavy hair, those beautiful eyes, her sexy body: she was exactly the same. Of course, there were a lot of differences in her, too, just as there was in me. We were both older. But it was safe to say that time had been kind to her. If anything, she looked even better.
Why the hell did I let this one go?
My mind zipped into the past for a few seconds, just remembering how good things had been. After that first kiss, we quickly became an official couple. At first, we tried to hide it from everyone, just until we figured out what we meant to one another, but it was too obvious to the rest of the world, and soon enough, everyone knew. I guess we just couldn't keep our hands off one another, even though we’d been friends for so long. I had half expected things to be strange if we ever took that leap from best friends to couple, but surprisingly, it was as natural as breathing.
Where the air had been easygoing and breezy between us before, it became constantly charged with a sizzling electricity, and I loved how wonderful that felt. It became obvious to us both how long we’d been resisting temptation, and I honestly believed that the wait would be worth it. That now that we’d given in, everything would be fine, and that would carry us through forever.
I assumed that Ashlee would be my wife, that we would live happily ever after, but I suppose everyone feels the same when they’re in the honeymoon phase. It was when that started to fade and real life kicked in that the problems began...
“Nice to see you again, Mrs. Baker, and, erm...Ashlee,” I wasn't sure if I should say that, if I should admit to knowing her just yet, but I quickly realized that there was no point in pretending. We had spent far too much of our lives meaning everything to one another for that.
So, I did the next worst thing, and I pulled her in for a very awkward hug.
It was going horribly. I needed to focus on what we were there for.
“So, I have your test results, Mrs. Baker,” I told her as a tight knot of fear gripped onto my heart. I couldn't even look at Ashlee again, not without falling apart. Why did she have to look so heartbreakingly beautiful? Why did she have to remind me of what an idiot I was all over again?
“And, I have to tell you that things aren’t great. I’m not sure what you learned at your previous doctor’s office – I haven’t managed to get hold of him to find out as much – but your cancer is currently in stage three, on the verge of progressing into stage four. It’s at risk of spreading even further now, so we need to act quickly.” I tried to keep my tone professional, but I could hear an apologetic overtone there.
Peggy nodded acceptingly at this as if she’d known about it all along, whereas Ashlee’s reaction was something very different.
“What the hell, Mom?” she gasped out in shock, gripping tightly onto Peggy’s shoulders. “You didn’t tell me it was that bad!”
My heart bled for her a little, and I had to hang my head to stop them from seeing the tears filling my eyes. Ashlee had already been through enough, losing one of her parents at such a young, difficult age, and now she was learning that she possibly might lose the other. I knew from my time of being a doctor that news didn’t get any easier, however old you were.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Peggy grinned up at her daughter. “It’ll be fine, you know me. I’m a fighter.” She patted her daughter’s hand, but I could tell Ashlee wasn't about to be reassured. “What treatment options do I have?”
“Well, I won’t bombard you with every detail about all the treatment options,” I told her, knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle it myself. “Because it can be a little overwhelming. I’ll give you some information packets for you to read through, then you can come back to me later in the week, say Thursday, then you can ask any questions you have and we can talk about your decision.” She nodded at this, which gave me permission to carry on. “I think for now, we should see each other twice a week so I can keep an eye on things, okay?”
“Sure,” Peggy nodded quite serenely at me. “Thank you, Matthew. I do appreciate it.”
As she left the room, and I saw her daughter moving to go, too, a strange sensation crept through my body, one that told me I couldn't just let her go like that. Sure, we hadn’t seen one another in a very long time, and yes, we’d left things in a bad place back then, but surely we could both see through Peggy that life was too short to hold on to things.
“Ashlee?” I asked quietly. “Would you maybe like to come to dinner with me tonight? For...for a catch up? We could go to Rally’s if you’d like?”
Rally’s was a diner we used to hang out at when we were teens, drinking a milkshake, eating fries, and gossiping about life. It belonged to a new family now and had a different name, but it would always be Rally’s. I hoped the mention of something that we’d shared would bring back that misty-eyed nostalgia to her, too. I prayed that she would focus on the good, rather than the bad, but it didn’t seem like I was going to be that lucky...
“No thank you,” she shot me down coldly. “I have too much to do at the moment for that.”
With that, she breezed from the room, leaving me cringing inside. I should not have asked her that after delivering such devastating news. That was heartless and unprofessional of me, not to mention idiotic.
That stern look she gave me as she was turning me down also brought back our very last conversation to my mind – the one where she screamed at me and told me she never wanted to see me again, and I remained silent because I knew I deserved it.
Of course, she didn’t want to spend time with me now. Why the hell would she? And why had I been arrogant enough to assume I had earned it?
Chapter Eight
Ashlee
Monday, After The Appointment
I couldn't stand to go in the house, not with this new information swirling through my mind. I mean, I knew Mom was sick, but I had no idea it was this bad.
Stage-four cancer sounded so...terminal. What the hell was I supposed to do about that? I couldn't survive without my mother; I couldn't cope if she died. She was all that I had left, she was the only family I had. What would I do if I ended up totally alone in the world?
I didn’t mean to go down such a morose train of thought, but I couldn't help remembering how bad things had been when my dad died. That was different in that it happened suddenly, none of us were expecting it, but I was sure that the aftereffects would be the same.
Mom had barely coped with losing Dad, and I knew for a fact that was the reason she’d left as soon as I did, but I didn’t think I would be able to do that. I’d already run away once, all the way across the country to New York, and I’d just given that life up to come back here. I didn’t know if I could handle another escape.
Then again, would I be able to stay if my mom wasn't around anymore? It didn’t bear thinking about.
I heard a car pulling up into the driveway and I flicked my eyes up in shock, wondering who it might be. After that totally bizarre, and, quite frankly, inappropriate moment in Matthew’s office earlier, I had the horrible feeling that it was going to be him... But luckily, it was the one person I could tolerate at that moment: Kerri.
Ever since we’d seen one another again, it was as if our years apart had been literally nothing. We’d simply slipped back into our friendship so well that it made me regret ever letting her go.
When I ran out on Florence, I’d wanted to cut ties with literally everything to give me the fresh start that I so desperately needed, but now I could see how stupid that was. Kerri was an amazing person, and if she’d always been in my life, maybe I wouldn’t have been feeling the insane mess I was.
“Hey,” she smiled sadly at me, pulling herself out of the car, showing me that she already knew some of what was going on. “Your mom called me. She told me you were feeling sad.”
Just as I was about to launch into my whole tirade about everything that was going on, unloading all my emotions, she moved across to the other side of the car and unhooked her son.
“Oh, this must be Grant!” I exclaime
d in shock. “It’s really nice to meet you, little man.”
We had a little play for a while, and I was surprised to see how well I got along with him. I had loved kids and wanted a family of my own, but I’d never been around any children to know that I would be any good at it. All my friends in New York were dedicated career women who didn’t have any time for nonsense like being pregnant.
“He’s a great kid,” I told my friend honestly. “You’ve done a really great job with him.”
“Thank you.” She smiled that motherly smile at her son; the sort that was filled with such a pure and unconditional love that it made my heart melt. That was what I wanted for myself: love, a family, a future. In New York, I’d been wholly focused on just getting by, so I hadn’t allowed that sort of stuff to fill my mind, even for a second. “It hasn’t always been easy, doing it by myself, but I think we do okay.”
The question was there, hanging in the air, about who Grant’s father was, but since she seemed reluctant to tell me before, I could only assume she genuinely didn’t know. Either that or it was someone embarrassing, someone I knew. In this town, where people didn’t tend to leave, that could have been anyone we went to school with.
As Grant played with a ball in the yard, Kerri turned to look at me with concern in her eyes. “So, your mom mentioned she got some bad news today.”
I sighed deeply before telling Kerri all about it. Having that little time out to play with Grant was good because it took my mind off things for a moment, but now, delving back into it was almost even more painful.
“It seems like her cancer is really bad, almost at stage four, and at risk of spreading.” My heart fell a little as I had to say those words aloud; it almost made it more real somehow. “I mean, the doctor gave us all these pamphlets filled with treatment options that I think might help, but it’s almost as if she’s resigned to her fate. I can’t help but feel like she’s just...giving up.” Tears threatened to fall, but there was a block in the way, as if a numbness had set in with the goal of protecting my heart a little.
